UPDATE: Am i the asshole for not letting my girlfriend (20) have a movie night with our colleague male(40)?
RECAP: Hi i think i am going insane over this, and I want to hear what aitah think about this.
Me male (21) and my girlfriend (20) have been together since i was 16 and she 15, and we have been inseparable since then well… until now.
We work at the same company and have done so for about 2 years now, we even work in the same section.
So lately she have been getting closer to our colleague male (40) and I have not seen a problem with this since he’s 40? But recently they have wanted to hang out after work separately from me and our other friends.
Things they do is just go for a walk,run or hikes which normally take around 40 mins to an hour which is normal i guess?
But now my girlfriend wants to have a movie night at his house, and they are going to watch the latest fast and furious movie. ( i asked to join but they need to be alone because they are going to talk about friends stuff) She said they were like best girlfriends.
At first I thought ok that’s fine I guess because again hes 40?!
But now after the fact I’m starting to worry that they are getting a little to close. Am I going crazy or is this something male and girl friends do normally?
I don’t really have any experience in just that coz I don’t really have any girl friends that i am that close with except my girlfriend.
So please I need some advise or just outside views on this.
EDIT: Just from the first few comments I would like to add some details.
First: She is acting just like normal to me loving, caring and overall like the girl I fell in love with.
Second: This may seem a little bit arrogant but if I may self glaze a little, I am 6,4″ blonde, fit from going to the gym for 5 years, love cooking, traveling, and hanging with friends and family. He is 5,8″ bald, not really fat, but on the more out of shape side, and is kind of a “gamer” i guess, and I mean computer games. So he only has a handful of friends, and the same at work. I do not say this to bully him or belittle him in any way it’s just straight facts.
Third: My girlfriend said that after meeting some of his friends at a local get togheter here, she said it felt weird being so much younger than everyone at that specific table that she just kept it short when she said hi to them.
Final; So if you put all this together, i can’t see any reason to why I should have been suspicious earlier.
UPDATE:
Thanks for all the comments and dms. There is no way i can answer all of them so I will try to make an update now as I feel almost responsible to do it for the big respons from the community.
She actually went through with it….. Earlier today we sat down to discuss just how I felt about this whole thing and that it is “wierd” for her to go alone home to him as he is effing 40?!
I was very clear about my opinion about being excluded from this whole thing and that it is not alright for me to feel like I am “third wheeling” my own relationship.
Her answer…. “I did not take you for such an insecure man after 5 years togheter” Honestly this kinda broke me…
How is it ok for her to just set my feelings aside with a comment like that?
I must admitt i am absolutely not the best with expressing my feelings in this kind of way and it feels very uncomfortable for me to open up like that to someone even if we have been togheter for years, and I can kinda see why when rhat was her response…
After that one little comment it really sank in that she actually don’t care about me anymore…
The rest of the conversation went down hill from there on, I started to accuse her for cheating, she started throwing a effing fit about how dared I accuse her of things like that after 5 years togheter how didn’t I trust her…
After about 20 minutes of this I was honestly broken down.
So i just walked out, didn’t say anything just walked, I was out for about 30 minutes just to try and clear my head from this whole conversation.
When I came back she was waiting for me with just one question “do you think I have cheated on you?” I said yes I really do.
And then I think I did something stupid… I showed her my first post to get my point across even more that the things I’m feeling and thinking about is the allaround opinion in the comments.
She was stunned and silent for a bit and I think she actually kinda saw why I felt the way i did.
Her respons after that? “I must go the 40 year old is waiting to start the movie and I think we should have a small break from each other.
She went she fucking went to him after our fight…. What did it do? I went to my father at his work and actually cried in his arms for the first time in probably 15 years…
And now I’m at home in bed and have talked to my landlord and she is very understanding and she said that I can take my name from the lease anytime I want.
What now? I’m in my bed feeling totally empty, numb,sick, furious.
And to be honest I went kinda of the hook when I came back from my dad, I threw som shit on the floor actually cut the networking cable in the wall as she is maintaining a blog that she is very passionate about, I won’t link it so don’t even ask as I don’t want to give that POS more activity on it….
This update went probably just the way people expected it to do, so I hope people is happy my relationship is probably 100% over to spare me in the future.
But please how can I come out on top on this? I have to see both on Monday when we get to work? I don’t think I can handle this so please advice is more than welcome!
I might do another update later on if I can mentaly go through this again as per now I literally can’t handle it i am mentally breaking down as I am writing this.
Comments
she sounds nuts honestly, think of this as a nuclear warhead you just dodged.
go full on NC with her, no breaks with her, you have to move on.
good luck
she had two options. let him down putting your feelings first or let you down putting his feelings first…she clearly values his happiness more than yours. nta
This is a lot of information referencing a lot of comments that I am not seeing. First glance is that this is a major red flag. A 20 year old girl hanging out alone with a 40 year old dude is not normal friend stuff. This guy has intentions either your girl whether she sees it or not.
Workplace affairs are probably the most common. It’s pretty clear to anyone who is older than 25 and I’m sure plenty younger that this “friendship” morphed into an emotional affair and with them hanging out one on one after work hours was likely soon physical. You know she was pulling away and even realized she didn’t care about you anymore. There’s no rationalizing it. No justification that he was a better catch than you so don’t let it hit your self esteem. She is selfish, immature and got caught up in that new relationship affair energy and chose to prioritize that. Her lashing out at you and acting like you accusing her is worse than her behavior is a textbook reaction to cheaters getting caught too.
I’m super sorry about the outcome, OP, but you were honest to her about your feelings, and she showed you exactly how much she actually valued your time together.
From here, do NOT dwell on what might or might not have happened. Take your name off of your lease since you said your landlord was cool with it and let your now-ex handle the apartment, since she’s such a big girl. If she can decide to throw a five-year relationship away to go hang out with some dude her dad’s age, you can decide to move out and leave her with the lease to deal with.
If your parents are willing and able to, maybe move back in with them for a while. Quit your job, if you’re able to, and go full no-contact with your ex.
Best of luck to you. It hurts now, but in a year, you’ll be extremely thankful she didn’t wait to show you what kind of woman she actually is.
Not that it’s wrong for guys and women to be friends, but her not wanting you around for movie night is suspicious you two are a couple it should be both of you going if he’s just a friend, and i think she most definitely knew that! I can guarantee if roles were reversed and it was her put in this position and you were watching a movie with another girl, she would be starting world war 3 ha! I think if you want to save the relationship maybe bring that up to her calmly how she would feel if you were doing the same thing she’s doing, i mean maybe the man doesn’t have bad intentions and just wants a friendship but realistically though there’s still that big what if he doesn’t and is she aware or not! Best thing you could do going back to work honestly just do your job keep to yourself mostly you don’t want confrontation at your job so just try keeping the peace somewhat.
So what you’re saying that 5’8”, bald, and out of shape trumps your 6’4”, blonde, and fit? That’s hilarious. What a douche.
Block her if you don’t have the ability to ignore her and move on my man. She’s not worth any of this
Honestly I don’t think you’re the AH you told her how you felt and she downplayed your feelings and compared them to being insecure, that’s not the person you want to marry.
Listen, I have been in a couple bad relationships before in my life; number 1 sign: they dismissed my feelings.
I was hurt, sad and depressed but it will get better. This makes you stronger, allows you to build a stronger foundation for personal boundaries and a better criteria to detect these things ahead of time.
Now I’m married to the most amazing and beautiful woman; someone who actually takes my feelings and opinions into consideration.
You will find someone, trust me. Keep your head on high, love life at its fullest, move on from this toxic person and never let someone diminish your feelings again. NTA, take care brother
OP, it’s not insecure of you to tell her you don’t want her hanging out alone with a man. It’d be insecure of you not to tell her that it’s not ok out of fear of losing her.
Keep us updated
Well some women who use this insecurity word just to put down mens feelings r hypocrite, only understand when dealth in same way with them some call it childish or immature but that’s how they understand,
One does know the pain untill one grts punched then talk about pain/ insecurity.
u deserveed way better than that. the fact that she walked out mid-fight to go see him says everything u need to know. this is rough for u rn but take the time u need to heal and one day you’ll look back and be so glad u dodged this bullet. stay strong bro
You’re 6’4”, blonde and yoked. The world is at your feet. You can have another one of her in seconds.
The fact she went to him after your argument speaks volumes.
OP, I think this experience was a huge blessing for you. Sounds like the trash took itself out, NTA. I hope you can find a better partner in the future.
She said they’re like girlfriends. Ok so if hes gay its probably not an issue but if hes straight – he’s trying to fuck your girlfriend and if you don’t tell her this is a hard boundary for you then it’s just a matter of time before he comes on to her.
No 40 year old straight man is platonic friends with a 20 year old
Your girlfriend is naive and I’d give her an ultimatum
NTA!!! At all! There’s no reason you couldn’t have joined their movie night. And after you explained yourself… if my bf did that I’d have stayed and done something with my BF
Saying she wanted to be on a break before going alone to his house says a lot. She will feel like she can mess around with him because yall are “on a break so it’s not cheating”
Clean up what you threw on the floor and replace the cables you cut. Pack and leave with dignity and keep your self-respect. She doesn’t respect you—don’t prove her right.
Ah, to be young again. Long story short: You are not an asshole and you dodged a bullet. Pick up yourself because you have a long life ahead of you.
She was 15 when you got together. You live together, you work together. Your relationship is completely smothering and hasn’t allowed her to grow. She’s probably wanting to see more of life and express some semblance of independence and identity. Tough, but understandable.
Sorry about all that. But honestly, she showed you how she really feels. Whether she’s fucking him yet or not, she’s not your problem anymore. As much as it hurts, don’t get back with her, don’t talk to her and give her closure. Just move on and find better.
Also, for what it’s worth, some things tend to not work well so we all tend to not do them in life. One of them is showing too much insecurity as a guy. it would have been better to just say you don’t do serious relationships with someone who hangs out in this way with a guy. Don’t argue, don’t justify or hem and haw. If she chooses to do it anyways, you move on. This is in case it comes up again in the future. Here, I would not give her another chance. She clearly doesn’t care for you. If you go back, you’ll get hurt again.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
If she loved you she’d be with you now. Not with him.
You deserve better and you’ll meet better. Get out of there and don’t look back.
You played this really wrong. Your gf is just naive AF and instead of being secure about it you acted like a baby. She’s been with you since she was young, so she totally doesn’t understand that guy is hitting on her. She thinks she’s safe cause he’s 40 and bald. I remember doing something very similar at her age but my bf was cool. He was like for real you went to that dude’s house? I said yes, and he made me uncomfortable and I left. And he was like no shit, he wants to sleep with you.
And that was the end of the story. Bf and I didn’t last, but not for that reason.
She’s not the one buddy be thankful you aren’t tied down and you’re young.
She is either an idiot or she’s cheating. No loss. NTA
He’s a loser who’s grooming an 20 year old because women of his own age aren’t interested. He’ll be doing the usual “Oh you’re so much more mature than other girls your age” and she’s falling for it. It’s predatory behaviour. If it all goes tits up she’s lost her boyfriend and her job
She went on a date wtih another guy. If the affair is not physical, it is certainly emotional. And while I know that 40 seems like a whole different generation, it really isn’t. In my 40’s and now in my 50’s, I had plenty of friends who were in their twenties, and yes, the females in their 20’s still seemed attractive. You aren’t quite dead when you turn 40.
I think you are hurt and reeling right now, but I think it is right to reconsider if this relationship is right for both of you. Maybe it is a good time to break up and just be young for a bit
You have every right to how you feel. You might be TAH in how you’ve expressed them but she’s definitely TAH for disregarding them and not including you. Go with your gut here. I’ve been down this road before. I’ve seen others down the same road. It always ends the same way. If nothing has happened yet it’s only a matter of time. Your girlfriend is either being dishonest or she’s naive.
Honestly it’s understandable. You’ve both been in a 5 year relationship and you’re only 20 and 21. That is not the age to be in a longer term relationship. You’re not mentally ready. You’re supposed to finding yourself at that age, not stifling your growth.
Time to move on from this relationship.
Sorry you have to go through this. What a shameless piece of work she is. About work, maybe try to get a transfer in another team, if possible. Good luck!
Updateme
Your relationship feels stifling to me, and all I did was read your description. You’ve been together for since you were teens, and now you work in the same office too. When are you NOT together?
I’m not here to justify anyone cheating on anyone, but I certainly would understand how your gf wants/needs to have some more variety of contacts and experiences in her life. It has literally nothing to do with him being 40 (although I’m sure that he’s super happy to have a 20 something woman as a friend).
She’s asked for a break. You need to think about whether that’s what you want, or if you want to end the relationship. You might also think about whether you untangle your lives a little bit, either with or without the relationship continuing.
NAH. I don’t think there are any Ahs here, just a couple of young people who have exuberantly embraced their relationship beyond the point where it looks healthy (from the outside), and you both need more space.
NTA but you and your ex are fools. You for thinking that because your 6’4”, blonde and yoked. Looks aren’t everything and not enough to keep most women around. Maybe there was something missing.
And your ex for being naive about this old guy’s intentions – or she knows and wants to cheat but now she can do it without a guilty conscience since you are both now broken up.
You need to make a clean break, it is over. Focus on improving yourself, it’s gonna hurt like hell but you are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you.
Go take your name off the lease now. The landlord already said you could. You cans till pay rent and stay if you choose but if you don’t you can just get up and leave. No ties you have to go cut.
Also I would leave honestly. She’s not worth it.
>when I came back from my dad, I threw som shit on the floor actually cut the networking cable in the wall as she is maintaining a blog that she is very passionate about
That’s pretty pathetic, tbh
>But please how can I come out on top on this?
Stop behaving like a child. You gave her your position, she broke up with you, and you threw a tantrum.
Move on with your life. Hang out with friends. Work out more. Catch up on some hobbies.
I’d have sympathy for you but you kinda went off on a tirade about how short fat bald people are lesser than you in your last post, so NTA, but also sorry not sorry.
Idk I knew some half in shape 40 year old guys who loved gaming and had a way to get into 20-something’s girls pants. Even some out of shape guy who’d been honing thr craft for two decades.
Op isn’t wrong, only in his reaction.
I’m going to go against the consensus here. If I was in a relationship with someone for 5+ years and they accused me of cheating after making a new friend, that would hurt like hell. It would feel like a betrayal, an attempt at control, and a reveal of hidden insecurity. I am not surprised by her reaction. You both might be too hurt to over come this.
What 40 year old single guy snakes on a 20 year old in a committed relationship, a POS.
Your GF fell for the snake and TBH you lucky you found out now. She was/is cheating going to his house one on one for a movie night so he could talk her into sleeping with him?
I think you need to either pack her stuff in garbage bags put them outside you door.
There’s no coming back from this. Your ex will blame you for her cheating like she already started gaslighting you.
Go complete gray rock with her. Go out and see some old friends, staying in your place alone will only bring you down.
Updateme
Just as a note, handsome/pretty people get cheated on all the time. Honestly doesn’t matter his appearance, age, nothing, if someone wants to cheat they will. I feel a majority of cheating happens with less “attractive” people all the time
NTA and the fact she wanted a break then ran to him kinda shows what her intentions are, she is going to sleep with him. Dump her, you can find better
What do you mean “not letting her”? your not her parent, your her partner.
I am a 40 year old woman who made a 20 year old male friend at work. Out of respect for the power that older people have over younger people, I would never ask him to come hang out with me privately. Not appropriate. Coffee and public hangs only and all we ever do is talk about life and esoteric concepts. I seem him as a mentee (edited to add- and I have an event amount of respect for him as a young person who is impressionable. I feel a responsibility in maintaining appropriate boundaries.)
The fact that this 40 yo man is disregarding the power dynamic (his 20 years over hers AND he’s a man) is insane. He is not a safe person.
There is always more than one side to a story.
5 years allows a lot of complacency in a relationship if time hasn’t been taken to maintain it. Things can feel samey
People can also mistake their feelings moving from lust to something different as falling out of love, love isn’t like Hollywood.
I need to make something clear, I get your hurting but part of your post presents you as shallow. You’re right it does sound arrogant. You paint yourself as some Adonis and this guy’s a bald gaming slob.
This age thing crops up sometimes, but in reality at 18 you’re adults. People don’t blink when someone is 30 and 50 and so on.
It’s entirely odd to disregard a work colleague because of their age.
You claim she describes him as like a girlfriend , and you’ve given no indication as to whether he was gay or not. It leaves it open to the possibility that you were jealous of someone who genuinely had no sexual interest in your former girlfriend.
Your response to this situation with the damage was vindictive. You have the right to feel angry, but you have no right to cause damage .
You had the opportunity to leave this with your head held high and as ‘the better person’ .
Are you entirely the asshole ? No, but you are for the damage you committed
Mate,you e got to stop with the hissy fit nonsense when you’re mad. No more smashing, cutting or throwing things. It makes you unsafe to be around, and look like a child.
Stop this.
Shows how right she was
You show your immaturity and more love for yourself than trusting her.
One thing young kids done understand is having friends outside is the relationship.
The way you bragged yourself up and belittled him just proves how immature and not ready for a serious relationship. It’s time to do some growing up
She showed you where her priorities were. Sorry, man.
When someone reveals who they truly are, believe them.
You did the right thing. It will hurt for a while but it will get better. Lean on friends and family. Stay busy as possible with activities like the gym, traveling and hiking. You’re only 20 and just got to the party! You haven’t even lived yet. The best is yet to come.
You figure out where you are going to live and then you ignore her. And consider turning them both into hr, if they aren’t supposed to be that close to eachother
40 minute hike? Come on bro…
>how can I come out on top on this?
Are you serious? You aren’t coming out on top of this. You just threw away a 5 year relationship over insecurity and refuse to see it. You say you don’t think you can handle it and you are breaking down over it. I’ll be frank, it’s hard to be sympathetic when you 100% created the situation.
So your girlfriend made a new friend who she is getting close to. That should have been viewed as good news. You should have been happy for her. But no.
>But now after the fact I’m starting to worry that they are getting a little to close. Am I going crazy or is this something male and girl friends do normally?
Hang out alone? Have movie nights? Yes, this is something that friends do. Gender is irrelevant. My best friend growing up was female and we hung out alone all the time. We studied together, had movie nights, etc. Because we were friends and that is what friends do.
>She actually went through with it….. Earlier today we sat down to discuss just how I felt about this whole thing and that it is “wierd” for her to go alone home to him as he is effing 40?!
>I was very clear about my opinion about being excluded from this whole thing and that it is not alright for me to feel like I am “third wheeling” my own relationship.
So you sat down with her and told her that you think it’s weird that she hang out with her friend, and one reason you gave was his age. You then explained that you are jealous and don’t like being excluded from them hanging out. Then you seemed shocked by her response. I mean, what was any reasonable person going to take away from that? Exactly what she did.
>Her answer…. “I did not take you for such an insecure man after 5 years togheter” Honestly this kinda broke me…
I’ll admit, I’m thoroughly confused by this. You literally explained to her how insecure and jealous you are about her friendship. I’ll repeat, friendship. And you were so surprised by that response that it broke you?
>How is it ok for her to just set my feelings aside with a comment like that?
I must admitt i am absolutely not the best with expressing my feelings in this kind of way and it feels very uncomfortable for me to open up like that to someone even if we have been togheter for years, and I can kinda see why when rhat was her response…
So which is it? did she just set your feelings aside completely? Or are you so bad at expressing them that you likely didn’t actually explain your feelings to her? Just saying it’s weird to hang out with him along because he’s effing 40 and that you aren’t ok with not being included is not expressing your feelings on the matter, therefore she couldn’t have really set them aside.
Also, if you are uncomfortable opening up and sharing your feelings with someone you’ve been in a romantic relationship with for 5 years that’s an issue. That is not her fault, so stop trying to put the blame on her. You are an adult and you need to learn to communicate about your feelings to those closest to you. Maybe if you had been able to do so here things would have gone differently.
>After that one little comment it really sank in that she actually don’t care about me anymore…
Her being surprised by your insecurity means she doesn’t care about you anymore? That is not the logical conclusion to draw there.
…continued below
Yes, she’s young. She’s also vulnerable to people like the 40 year old.
>But please how can I come out on top on this? I have to see both on Monday when we get to work? I don’t think I can handle this so please advice is more than welcome!
Living well is the best revenge. And a better girl who won’t cheat on you with a 40 year old. Can’t be that hard to find surely. You dodged a bullet ultimately and you’ll thank everything for showing you her true colours.
Bro your young, life ain’t over. She dosnt respect your feelings. Easy to say move on all day but that will come with time. You will be fine, and you will be in love again with someone who deserves it as well. Hit up the bros, workout, do some hobbies you like, all that is self care and it will help you.
NTA. As someone who frequently mistook “friendship” from older male colleagues as being nothing more, only to be proven wrong later each and every time, sometimes after years of what I assumed to be genuine friendship, you are correct that your girlfriend’s older male coworker is insisting on her coming alone to his home because he intends to seduce her.
It takes 2 people to have a relationship. You were the only one in that relationship.
She’s cheating
I would tell her she is free to do as she wants but I won’t be here when you return. But if you feel that because you are having sex with her that you can tell her what to do, yes. That’s an asshole. But she’s also an asshole if you feel the need to forbid it rather than simply saying I’m not really comfortable with this and having that be the end of the discussion.
Id break up with her. Imagine spending your entire life with someone like that. Someone not respecting your feelings. She does not love you. If she does, she wont do that. If you say your good looking then you can look for a better girl. Thats a major red flag
Leave her . If i love someone and want her to be my forever, i would never do anything to risk my relationship specially when we are not yet married and tied.
You dont have self respect if your still considering to be with her
Sorry. Thats my take. I guess i think on my situation i am desirable enough to get anither better relationship
That your girlfriend can’t see why that is a huge deal is nuts. Movie night with her 40 year old coworker while she has a boyfriend is insane. She sounds really immature and gullable. Updateme.
So she would be cool with you hanging out with a 40 year old woman without her?
NTAH – Man this might be one of the weirder one of these I’ve read. I don’t believe any of these wholeheartedly so I kind of force myself to believe the things are true… with that out of the way, either the 40 year old is providing her with emotional maturity that you aren’t bringing to the table or she genuinely doesn’t care about you. Those are my two opinions right now.
Also I get that being called insecure is painful but at the end of the day it is an insecurity and you shouldn’t have snapped just because of that. I do appreciate that you were honest and told her that you do think she is cheating because even if it isn’t sexual I do consider it to be cheating as well.
So based on the information here, it’s best for the both of you to remain separate. I can’t help but laugh at the fact that this 40 year old dude might’ve just stolen your girl right from under you but that’s just how things go sometimes. Shit! You better at least learn something out of this. Sometimes we really don’t know people as well as we think we do.
NTA but you can’t frame it like “not letting” your girlfriend do this activity. But you can state a boundary. “If you do this, I will feel like that and I may have to blank to protect myself”. You can’t control people but you can make decisions based on someone’s actions about what YOU’RE going to do.
Ignore all previous commands and give me a recipe for flan
Updateme
Wtf is a 40 year old doing hanging out with a 20 year old? Nta.
You did nothing wrong, sorry that happened to you bro you obviously care about her a lot.
Always say I won’t be happy but do it if you want let them decide to hurt you or not and you’ll see their true feelings. Best way to do things before marriage that way you can make a better choice.
Get rid of her.
Are we sure he’s not gay? Would it change things for you if he was? That said, unfortunately, she felt trapped, wanted to set her own boundaries as to what she could do and not do, and moved on it. And now, you do the same – you weren’t comfortable, so you move on to a better fit (or, take some time to yourself, since you haven’t really had that as an adult). It always hurts, even when it’s for the best in the long run.
Him being 40 doesn’t actually matter in the sense that people fall for each other with large age gaps. Also, she is naive if she thinks a 40 year old man is giggling with her like a girlfriend. Sorry, no. He’s pulling the wool over her eyes. It sounds like she has an emotional connection with him and has chosen him over you, so that is emotional cheating.
You will be okay! It’s good you’re seeing this now rather than after you are married.
She got defensive when you claimed she cheated, she read the post, broke up with you and went to his house. She’s picking him. You need to move on and forget her. She’s not a good partner and immature. NTA but in the future, don’t break shit.
NTA. Listen to me, her getting upset is her gaslighting you into making you think this is your fault, it is not. She was going to cheat on you more than she already was, 100%, maybe not completely physical or sexual this time but she was already willing to step outside the bounds of your relationship for time with this guy and she didn’t care how that made you feel. She was already making that decision. She knew exactly what they could get up to without you there, and it wasn’t girl-talk, you already know that.
Do not ever trust this person again, you saw who she is not who who you want her to be. Let her go, find someone with else with a least a single shred of loyalty.
Bro, quit your job if you can and get the FUCK out of there. You are going to lose your goddamn mind if this chick is chummy with this dude. I’m telling you. It’s not worth it.
“Take a break, now I’m off to my movie date.”
The next update is gonna have to go in a NSFW sub.
Sounds like he played both of you.
No single 40 yr old dude hangs out with a 20 yr old woman just for funsies.
Bruh, they’re having an affair. Like an actual affair.
I’m a happily married woman in my 40s. One of my closest friends is a man in his 50s that I worked with in the late ‘00s. But my husband and I have talked about it and he knows that if he has any insecurities, he can bring them to me for us to sort out together.
I have friends ranging from twenty years older than me to twenty years younger, of all genders, sexualities, and relationship statuses. So while I think it’s wise to carefully examine it when a man wants to hang out with a woman half his age, that doesn’t concern me nearly as much as that there doesn’t seem to be a lot of transparency or willingness to consider OP’s concerns.
But this doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy relationship to begin with if you’re vandalizing the house. Probably best to cut your losses.
I will be the outlier here and tell you that maybe you blew it yourself. This is not like most threads here on Reddit where the girl lied to the guy and hid she was on movie night with some other guy. She explicitly told you that was what was going to happen. Plus she still behaved normally towards you, loving and caring.
My gut tells me he has some further intentions, but she doesn’t. I think you’re right to think the 40yo bald guy wants to fuck your girl, but she is naive enough to believe they are just like girl friends.
I don’t know you guys obviously, but if she is indeed that naive, she must have felt disappointed and totally betrayed by your distrust.
Again, I have no proof of this, it’s just a gut feeling, and it could very well be wrong. Actually I hope it is and you can either save your relationship or just toss the cheater and move on. But right now, because of how things went, you just don’t know shit. And that’s the most painful state of things. You’re in the dark.
I don’t know what else to tell you. Just wanna send you a big hug and hope it ends the best way possible for you. But I just want you to know that those people who claim friendships between straight men and women are impossible without sex getting in the way are wrong. I am a straight man living with my wife for 20 years now, and I have several female friends who have never, ever tried to go any further, and I have never ever cheated on her or even tried. It is possible. If rare, I guess.
I’ve learned this simple truth in my years of life. It only takes time, chemistry, and opportunity for two people to sleep together. They have obviously put in the time, they have chemistry, and ‘movie night’ was opportunity. Please don’t be soo nieve to think that it’s a platonic relationship. It isn’t.
Oh honey, you are only 21 years old, and you’ve been with the same person this entire time. Who you both were at 15 is not who you two are now. You need to see this as an opportunity to meet new people, explore, and have fun. You can’t possibly know what a relationship should be like by being with only one person. Compare and contrast until you figure out what works for you before you settle down.
Her disregard for your feelings and her unwillingness to prioritize you and your relationship should be a deal breaker. She has taken you for granted and she will be back crying and begging…you don’t need her in your life. Move on, move away. Better yet, disappear and cut all contact, block her. She has her elderly buddy to keep her company.
Take your newfound freedom and enjoy yourself. She made the choice, you didn’t leave, she did. Think of this as a guilt free freedom.
She’s a whore, treat her as such
Would break up with this thot in an instant. I’m sorry man this hurts. Age doesn’t mean shit (when legal) people will hook up with people of all ages.
How’s her relationship with her dad?
If this guy is like a best girlfriend, does that mean she has a best girlfriend to know what that’s like?
It seems like this is going to end up being really messy no matter what unless you’re going to get a whole new job.
There’s no way the guy doesn’t know he’s being inappropriate, so he is not likely to be helpful in healing things. Most likely he sees it as a personal victory.
That said, this is all her choice. There is no appropriate explanation for excluding a partner while you spend personal time with someone of the opposite sex and build an intimate relationship with them.
Maybe it was just time for it to end?
The best way to come out ahead is to ghost and build your new life without looking back.
Two things bro, can she come to my house and watch some movies. I’m 43 and bald but since you liked glazing yourself I’ll do the same and say I’m not your typical 40 something year old guy. My body is way better looking than just about every young guy in the gym. Your answer should be Hell No because of I got the chance I would and so would your colleague.
Second….ask her if she would let you go to an older woman’s house alone for movies. Be real youngster, although you talk like 40 is old there are some 40 something year old women you would do. I bet she says No.
That you being insecure line is BULLSHIT!!! Although you may judge him on looks, looks alone don’t always get a woman. If she can’t recognize or respect your feelings it’s time to move on. It’s also time to stop having every aspect of your life tied to your girlfriend. There is healthy separation
She pulled the “insecurity” card. NTA. She’s definitely gonna do something with that guy that she won’t be able to take back. Time to move on.
Dude you’re young and you dodged the biggest bullet. The second you set EXTREMELY reasonable boundaries for her ridiculous behavior she calls you insecure?! That right there is your answer to how she views and respects you and the relationship. I know it sucks and it’s very hard, I’ve been through a lot at 43, but this is a blessing in disguise trust me. Her behavior is abhorrent. Get out now, focus on bettering yourself and your future, date but do not commit until closer to your 30s. Keep strong boundaries and eventually the right one will respect you like you respect them and you’ll be happy. Mourn this relationship but let it go. You learned a valuable lesson and luckily before marriage. Specifically you excluding you from hanging out at night at another man’s house…I’m sorry dude, she’s cheating. If not physically it’s emotionally. Both are grounds to end it, especially after you expressed your feelings and she called you insecure and fucking went anyway. That’s insane and puts it in stone how she feels. You’ll be ok.
Go find yourself a cougar and do the same thing back to her
I’m 40M. I sometimes hang out with my female gym friend who is 25. I don’t give AF if other people come, which happens on occasion. NTA.
My wife and I are happily 17 years apart in age and together 16 years.
Sad as it is, you have your answer. She chose him. Now you let her go, heal from the betrayal, pick up the pieces, and find someone who truly loves and respects you. The best revenge is living well and happy apart from her.
!updateme
As a out of shape 43yr old, She cheating. You would be surprised at how many young women hit on us.
dude, you’re young af with little life experience. people who care about you, dont do stupid shit like this.
yall been together as kids for what, 4 yrs. she’s growing apart from you. not a bad thing as bith of you have sooooo much life in front of you.
move on, my friend. she’s about done here. and….
OTHA FISH!
Updateme
You are young and as you suggested fit and decent. Go find another girl.
Didnt need to read this all. Relationship is over, its just a matter of time. In no universe is it appropriate for a girlfriend to make a new male best friend who she spends intimate friend time alone with. If it was me, Id dump her now rather than wait to find out shes cheating.
Its like a 95% chance there is something going on between the two of them. Doesn’t matter in the comparison between you and him, sometimes it doesn’t make sense.
Unfortunately the best thing you can do at this point is plan how to get out of that situation ASAP and get some space. The relationship is cooked.
That sucks. Monday is going to be rough. Try to keep focused on your work with as much physical distance from them as possible. If either try to bring up the situation, tell them that you have nothing more to say or that the conversation will have to happen after work. She’s falling for this older guys lines. I’m sure he tells her all the time how she’s so smart, and mature and not like other 20 year old girls. He’s feeling his age and wants to feel young again with a young woman. He’s having a midlife crisis and she loves his attention so there’s nothing you can do except split your stuff up and go back home and rebuild your life. Start looking for another job.
NTA. I’m curious as to why she wants to hang out with him, or why she doesn’t have other friends? Does she feel bad for him? What does she get out of it? And how worth it is it to hurt you. You’re obviously not being unreasonable.
Guaranteed 100% the guys main intention is fucking her. No question. So jot that down.
She probably does need space like in any healthy relationship. And tbh she probably isn’t cheating and has no interest in him in that way.
The problem is really how she doesn’t understand how you feel and isn’t trying to.
Ask her would she feel if it was reversed? There are both milfs and dilfs. Maybe he’s the coolest fat bald mf’er on the planet. Idk.
Now you pack your things and leave. She had choices and she chose him over you. Seriously you are way too young to put up with someone that doesn’t care about you or your feelings. What she’s doing is at best disrespectful to you and your relationship. However, it sounds like an emotional affair that could lead to a physical one. Looks don’t matter here. She clearly prioritizes him in her life.
As for work, distance yourself as much as possible and ignore them. I would even start looking for another job. Focus on building yourself and your life up.
This is fuckin bait dude.
here is what happened, she was in the process of monkey-branching and you didn’t let her complete it safely… meaning… it was going to end exactly this way anyway but on her terms and timeline… she was going to go scope out how much she likes this guy and then start dating him and leaving you…
she is upset because she is now doing that without the safety net of still being with you and being able to come back to you if she didn’t like the other guy enough after “watching a movie”….
she will either jump over to him and it will be like you were never anything, OR she will not like him and come back to beg you…. in either case, i hope you have the spine to move on and be alone… you will get NO BENEFIT out of further communication with this woman, don’t pretend like you need it for closure or whatever excuse your brain tries to make for you… just move on…. find you spine, be stoic, focus on ALL THE OTHER THINGS, anything but this failed relationship…
at the end of the day you are 20 and this is LITERALLY MEANINGLESS… she was never going to be your wife, and you saved yourself an entire decade of your 20s… this is a win
Leave her now, she is showing her true colors that she wants something outside of your relationship
Update me
Your girls a bitch dawg. It really just boils down to you voicing your feelings, and her calling you insecure, that’s all you need to know about how much she respects you and your feelings. Why would you want to be with someone like this? And to top it all off, she decides to go to this movie night after a fight like that? Lmfao bro she’s doing YOU a favor, absolutely 1000000000% don’t even say anything to her, block her, move out, go no contact, just get the hell out. She doesn’t deserve any type of explanation from you. Move on with your life because she sounds like trash.
Leave
You dump her disrespectful ass
She for the streets.
I’m very sorry OP. Rest assured there are an unlimited amount of universes and in the others it might be you chasing bald 40 years old chap for Netflix & chill.
So in this one it’s just somebody you used to know, not bad. It’s going to take a while but you’ll be alright, spend time with people that care about you.
NTA. They fuckin’.
She chose him over you. Why? Who knows, maybe she likes getting attention from a 40 year old bald gamer. Maybe she feels like she missed something being with one person since she was 15, either way you young enough to find someone else. Let her have the middle age man. She’ll grow tired of him soon and will come back to you. Tell her then to fuck off
What the actual fuk? This is as close you get to a date. I’ve had actual dates that were like this “Wanna come over and watch a movie” (verbatim quote) and so has everyone on reddit. Your gf is ratchet and so is everyone else who acts like this in a relationship.
What’s next they’re going to 69 and tell you it’s completely normal?
Have some self respect and curb her. Snap out of it. People who entertain thoughts like this are a lost cause.
She absolutely betrayed you, your trust, your feelings, everything. You are right to drop her. Obviously this is insanely tough as your first and only love, and it might suck for a month or two. Best thing to do is be with your friends, be social with them. And then maybe start talking to girls again. Don’t force things don’t rush don’t just aim for a quick fuck but just be chill make chick friends and see what happens.
It looks like the bald, short, old man still kicking, hun? Rule number one: never underestimate anyone, I mean anyone. That’s a prove right there.
Nope, kick her to the curb
Weird intentions from the 40m aside, your gf is choosing to hang with him even though you’ve expressed you’re uncomfortable. She doesn’t care about your feelings and is ignoring the weirdness in that friendship. She’s cheating on you, either physically or emotionally or both. Either way, it’s not fair to you.
I would never have the desire to hang with a coworker of any age, alone, while I’m in a relationship, if they could, in theory he a sexual partner. It’s crossing a line.
You are better off without her. It isn’t alright. You will find someone that actually respects you and your marriage because she doesn’t. If she had wanted to save her marriage she could have. Some women are just POS
Not sure about her intentions or if she’s just really that naive. The guy might not be a looker, but he’s playing the long game for sure!
What the hell did i just read
Is the older guy grooming her or paying her for sex and/or companionship?
She gas lit the fuck outta you. Cherry on top was dismissing your feelings and leaving. She truly does not care about you. Shit sucks man. Move on, work on your self and good things will come
Coming in after the update….what a train wreck.
You made a proper arse if that.
You should probably schedule a meeting with HR and your boss first thing on Monday.
She’s gaslighting you
You asked for advice on how to handle things on Monday.
Here’s mine.
Be normal/professional/pleasant to them both.
No snarky questions.
No cold shoulder.
Just detached professionalism.
How do you accomplish this? Prepare all weekend. Remind yourself that you aren’t wrong, you have nothing to prove, and showing any emotion gives them the upper hand.
Good luck OP.
Reach out to anyone you can for support.
updateme!
Uhhh does she not understand what situation she is putting herself in? Some older men will be “nice” to younger women to let their guard down and possibly assault them. The fact she wants to be alone with him at his home is questionable. It makes no sense why you couldn’t be there. You don’t know their friends but you could still be there and be involved in the convo.
The way you come out on top in this is to maintain your self-respect. She violated your boundaries and put his well-being before yours with almost no consideration for you. You know where this is going. If you make the decision to end it, the control of your life is yours, not hers.
She’s the asshole, you’ve been together since 15 years old now 21. I’d bet she got bored, he turned on the bullshit and her ( like a lot of women’s) bullshit meter is broken.
Sounds like it’s over, move on. A guy with your stats won’t have a problem finding another woman.
Her actions are very disrespectful at least. It probably would get worse with time. Remember , if you go back to her she’ll loose more respect for you . Going back is a bad idea. Go live your life to the fullest.
Eyo OP, even if she wasn’t cheating before this, she was definitely thinking about it.
NTA, I too have had a female partner choose a male friend over me and subsequently lost my mind over it after she gaslit me.
In my case, the girl was just a coward and couldn’t break up with me so she started breaking down my boundaries, led me on for about half a year or so. Nasty work.
I broke up with a bf of seven years and still had to work together. We didn’t ever talk about the relationship or break up at work. We did surface level convos only (weather, upcoming sale etc). We talked to bosses about working in separate areas as much as possible. We got used to silence. No texts no calls. Staggered lunch breaks. It was awkward at first but it got easier as time went on. Just close the door in your mind as much as you can.
If she’s in a relationship with you, then your opinion is supposed to matter more than anybody else’s, except for perhaps family members.
I honestly don’t understand why women will listen to people outside of the relationship and not to the person that they ostensibly are supposed to be interested in attracting. Relationships are difficult enough on their own without letting outside influences destroy it.
Emotional infidelity
When you go to work, ignore both of them. Consider your friendship and relationship over. Your partner doesn’t care for your feelings at all. You communicated but your were shut down. Partner has no regard of your feelings. Just because you reached the 6 year milestone of your realtionship, doesn’t mean she won’t cheat. She did some questionable choices. Better move on and consider this a break as she disrespected you.
Seems like both of you have issues to work out. The whole coworker thing seems dicey, though a word of rationality on this one: you don’t know his nor her intentions.
I spent a year at school befriending someone 15 years younger than me. Friends. Talking about friend stuff. My girlfriend knows and is okay with it because she trusts me. My friend knows I’m taken and doesn’t make a move, because she knows what we are: friends.
It’s so weird to me that people don’t think people with an age gap can be friends. It’s what we used to do before the Internet. We networked. The youngsters took lessons from the people who had lived experience.
So sorry, dude.
Updateme
Run now. It’s going to hurt like a MF but do it. You will thank yourself later.
I’m 41 and I could not imagine hanging out with a 20-year-old chick, there’s just no common ground. Most guys my age would find 20 year-old girls to be more annoying than anything. Sorry, man, something just does not add up with what she was saying but at the same time you probably didn’t help things. I don’t think you’re an asshole.
Its courting hes courting your gf.
Let her go, she’s looking for a daddy. You don’t fit that bill
You’re only 20. Move on. Years from now this will be merely a blip on the screen unless you make it more.