I posted here a few months ago about my journey with setting boundaries with my SOs mom and the total blow up on Easter. Basically last summer I decided that I no longer can deal with having dinner at her house every two weeks, spending every holiday with her all day, and having to see her three times a week when she stops by the house unannounced.
It went the exact way I thought it would, I stopped accepting invites, when she’d stop by I’d hide in my room, she’d get paranoid and keep harassing my SO about why I am declining and if I don’t like her, then BOOM Easter really blew up when I made it clear to my SO that I will go to church and brunch at a restaurant but that’s it. He failed to plan something and she planned an entire day at her house after church. I was livid that he didn’t listen to me and I said I will stop by for an hour and she went on a guilt trip about how it’s fine if I can’t spare more time she will just be alone! SO got angry at me and stormed out. We worked it out and I told him I’m sick of this fake BS that me being there makes or breaks her holiday. I intentionally make myself boring towards her so she leaves me alone, she’s not enjoyable she’s judgmental, she pushes herself on me and I can’t keep feeling so uncomfortable.
It was working! I spent Mother’s Day at her house sat in a chair and barely spoke, attended her birthday dinner, and she’s been leaving me alone. SO was okay with my decision to limit time and seemed to understand. Until yesterday. Not sure if there is a term for when SO eventually starts getting mad at me again wanting me to just let it go and suck it up to keep the peace but here we go again!
Apparently she texted him and asked if we will go out and have fish fry on Friday. I said “and what did you respond?” He said “I didn’t yet”. And I said “okay are you going?” And he says “well I know you don’t want to”. And I said “okay again, why do I have to be there? Go have dinner with your mother.” And he said “because she’s just gonna sit there and keep asking me where you are and why you’re not there and if you hate her”. And I said “we talked about this, why do I have to coach you through it. Tell her to lay off of me and just enjoy the time together”. He got pissed and didn’t want to talk anymore and said the whole same thing about how she’s 80 and we just don’t share the same values and it hurts her feelings when I’m not there and he thinks I should just do what she wants.
I reminded him that we are not married, he doesn’t have to hang with my dad if he doesn’t want to and I stand up for him if I feel like my dad is annoying him. I have zero obligation to spend time with his mom, but he does. Like sorry you have to suck it up and deal with her but I do not have to spend time with someone who I don’t think likes me and who I do not enjoy. Just because she puts a smile on her face when she criticizes me doesn’t mean she’s nice.
I know most people on here say “he’s the problem just leave him”. But I’m not going to do that. This is our only problem. I guess I just need advice about if I’m being too solid with my boundaries and should just do dinner to keep them both happy and cause myself less drama. Also how do you guys deal when SO keeps flip flopping between understanding your side and then acting like you’re being ridiculous. I just wish I could have a low contact relationship with her but she will NOT accept it or let it be. I don’t know why she can’t just give it up and understand that we don’t need to be friends and hang out.
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You are doing nothing wrong. He is using you as a shield/buffer so he doesn’t have to deal with his mother. As long as you encourage him to spend time with her, you are in the clear. The trouble is many (not all) men just do not want to carry the emotional load with their parents and pawn it off on their romantic partners. Hold your boundary. And if their relationship falls apart because you arent being the shield or the merrymaker, well, they didn’t have much of a relationship to begin with (ask me how I know hahaha!).
Boyfriend, tell her the truth, yes I dislike her and I will not engage with her.
Boyfriend can adjust or not.
He puts how his mother feels above how you feel. He would rather inconvenience you than deal with his mother. He wants you to change your boundaries since he won’t put any in place. He thinks your values are less important than his mother’s and doesn’t believe your values are worthwhile.
On so many levels he’s shown that you don’t matter as much as his mother. If you go to dinner, you’re demonstrating you don’t matter to yourself, either. But , sure, make yourself small so your SO can stop belittling you. That’s what he’s doing. And you let him.
She has no control over you OP and she fucking hates it.
I had a similar experience! Your SO is using you as a meat shield. He is not willing to take on her toxicity and NEEDS you to go be the one to take the heat for him.
I went NC and told my husband he can take LO to see his mom on the condition he sets boundaries with her and he needs to go spend time with her alone before bringing our LO. He said he can’t go alone or all she does is complain about how I don’t like her and how no one has ever not liked her!
We had a blow up on mothers day (10 months NC) where he was mad he had to reject a card I didn’t want (because NC means NC) and “I drew the lines too hard in the sand” aka my boundaries were too firm and didn’t allow him to avoid setting/ enforcing any boundaries with his mom. He faced a consequence either way and I stopped enabling him to disrespect me to keep his mom happy.
He threatened to take our LO to see his mom without my blessing about I basically threatened to divorce him if he was going to choose his moms fragile ego over the well-being of our family.
We went to therapy and the therapist told him his mom was emotionally blackmailing him, she is emotionally abusive, her reaction to boundaries is a sign he HAS to set and enforce them, and he needs to stand up for the family he created.
Things have gotten better! He still can’t set boundaries but isn’t trying to take our LO anymore. He calls out her tactics for what they are and he’s really disappointed in her.
I would take advantage of the dinner OUT and not in her house! Start showing up to the things that have an obvious time limit. Fish Fry Friday, Sunday brunch, etc and continue to avoid the home visits. Start training her that these are the times you’ll spend with her.
WAA, WAA, WAA! Mommy’s feelings are going to be hurt, but I don’t really care about yours. This is what your SO is basically saying. You are suppose to suck it up so his mommy feels ok. Don’t! live your own life. If you don’t want to go, don’t.
Finally, tell your SO that since his mommy wants to know why you don’t want to go/do things with mommy, tell SO that the next time his mommy ask, you are going to tell her and not hold back. Time for you to take control of your life,
wish you the best.
You are not a meat shield. If he doesn’t enjoy spending time with his mother on his own that’s his own problem to solve
He could just tell his mother the truth – you don’t like her. Then he can ask her to pass the salt or whatever.
If you keep letting up on your boundaries they will just keep asking for/demanding more. A boundary isn’t a punishment to others, it is to protect yourself and your peace (and from what you’ve posted, she sounds exhausting and I’d do the same).
As everyone else has said he’s mad you won’t be his meat shield.
You’re standing up for yourself by refusing to to be present to take her abuse. If HE doesn’t want to take her abuse then it’s his job to stand up for HIMself since he won’t do it for you. This is such a double standard that it would be comical if it weren’t so sad. He needs to grow a pair and stop being so afraid of Mommy.
Hey OP.
I can relate. What helped me was realising these things about boundaries:
• My boundaries are for me. They are the limit to what I tolerate, and they are what I will do when that limit is reached.
• Therefore MIL can do what she wants; I can’t control her.
• DH can also do what he wants. I won’t control him either.
DH is freaking out because now he has to bear the brunt of MIL’s behaviour alone. That’s his journey to go on.
When MIL is her controlling, manipulative, abusive self, and he is on the receiving end of it, it will just alienate him.
Meanwhile I’m chill, because my boundaries are being protected by me. I don’t control or manipulate him. It’s better this way. We get along better.
There have been little moments where DH has pleaded with me to sacrifice my own needs to make it easier on him. But like, I did that for
8 years. Finally I’m choosing myself.
I just say “this is what’s right for me. You’re in a difficult position. I trust you to do what’s right for you”. Giving the responsibility back to him, to work out his own limits with his mother.
> I guess I just need advice about if I’m being too solid with my boundaries and should just do dinner to keep them both happy and cause myself less drama.
But it isn’t less drama is it? Why is you being hurt “less drama”? It’s just that they get what they want (mind you, they aren’t “happy” when you serve as a punching bag for MIL. It’s more like they are more “comfortable” than happy. MIL has emotional issues whether you are present or not. You being there for her to take her discontent out on just gives her someone to put her issues onto. It actually hurts the MIL’s mental health to have you there because it enables her to have you as a scapegoat instead of confront why she needs a scapegoat in the first place).
Now you’ve tanked your mental health, hers and SO’s because he is just performing as a tool to his mother and not his own individual.
So you initiate contact again, you’re unhappy but they are “comfortable” and everyone is emotionally/mentally unwell.
Or you keep NC and everyone is uncomfortable but have a chance for emotional growth. Personally this would be my choice because why teach people that you will set yourself on fire to keep them warm? Why should your SO believe that he needs to prioritize your feelings when you won’t even prioritize your own feelings?
What does he mean by “you don’t share the same values”? Because someone who is not nice to their child’s partner for no good reason has some skewed values and that statement in my opinion sounds kind of offensive. I’d remind your bf this is not normal for him to be so afraid of his mom and her feelings and to be so unable to spend time with her without you. Then I’d go into detail again that i’m not willing to spend time with someone who has said x, y, and z to me. Then make him answer why does he think you need to deal with it. No beating around the bush answers or not answering at all
OP, consider lawyering up NOW, you got too much dangling parts running behind you
I love your quote at the end and your experience is appreciated. I’m going to say that to him. I’m just so sad that this is affecting us because she’s playing sad old lady card
I can relate, OP.
Your SO’s mother is making him uncomfortable with her repeated questions and complaints. So, what does that have to do with you, other than the fact that you’re the topic of conversation? If she were whining about traffic, would he call up the highway department and bitch to them about not catering to his mother’s needs over everyone else’s? Of course not. This situation now is entirely between him and his mom. If he can’t tell her to knock it off and talk about something else, that’s his problem, not yours. He’s trying to make it your problem, though. He’s trying to force you to drop you your boundary so that he doesn’t have to face his own weakness because he’s more comfortable with your unhappiness than with his mother’s.
He flip-flops, I would guess, because he sees your side of it, but then the pressure gets to be too much, and he wants you to fix it for him. What needs fixing is his inability to say no to his mom. Solo therapy (for him, especially with a mother like that) or couple counseling could help.
Nope, not the JN. Read the comments and this just kind of stands out. Between his badgering and her badgering, I’d be super frustrated. BTW, I managed my dad the same way you are. Is bf opening to counseling or self help? Cuz he needs to shift his paradigm of the mother/DIL relationship.
I told DH the only relationship I had with his mom & sibs is through him. I would not choose to be friends with them independent of him, which sounds true in your case as well. She’s not your friend and it’s not your job to break it down. But the boundary I would set is a bit different. I’d set it with bf.
“Bf, I’m not your mom’s friend, I don’t enjoy spending time with her, stop playing the old lady card, and everyone dies. If you need to talk to a professional, I’m here to support & encourage you to do so, but I’m done talking about my relationship with your mom. There isn’t one.”
You do realize that your SO will probably be this way until MIL dies, and then he will probably just realign being a doormat to another member of his family, or his boss, or whoever fulfils that need he has to be abused? It’s his basic personality, and without deep therapy it will always be so. And unfortunately, there’s probably nothing you can do or say to “snap him out of it”.
If he won’t do therapy, I think your remaining choices are to live in a miserable situation forever and complain on reddit, or leave and make a better life for yourself.
And you are kidding yourself that everything is great except for MIL, she’s in your face or SO’s face almost every day, making you miserable…..wait until she needs a caregiver and SO volunteers you to do it.
Edit: Just read your post history, SO is 24 years older than you and just as much of a drama queen as your MIL…..and I suspect you enjoy the drama and kvetching also, or you would have nope’d out of this a long time ago.
i think those last few sentences hit the nail on the head. what you do deserve, and what would actually be better for SO in the long run, is a gentle but non-negotiable conversation about the flip-flopping. if you two have made an agreement that he’s okay with, he needs to stick to that. if he’s not okay with the agreement at all, you need to make a new one, although any agreement has to reflect your right to say no.
what can’t be happening is these repeated incidents where he wants to re-discuss it. i don’t think he realizes this but he’s actually just finding a way to restate the same criticisms, which he probably picked up from his mom. he’d probably be sad to hear it, if he wasn’t so activated by the stress his mother causes. he really wants his arguments to make sense, because otherwise he has to face that he can’t stand up to his mom, an abusive person who should love him.
just stick to the surface level – tell him that he’s flip-flopping and that it feels awful to have to re-argue your points. he can show you he’s serious about respect for your discussion by sticking to his words. maybe by escaping this loop, he can grow in other areas.
oh, and the other thing: he’s not obligated to deal with MIL either. he could end these nights where she walks all over him. we don’t owe our love to abusive parents, and that’s what she is.