Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/c7Iw2h1dAC
Background: My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I never cheated. He said he would forgive me if I “admitted” to it, and said our relationship would be over if I didn’t own up to the “lie”.
Thank you all for the clarity you provided regarding my last post.
I, of course, refused to admit to doing something I hadn’t done. He kept doubling down on the fact that I was a liar and didn’t have the courage to own up to it. The conversation didn’t go anywhere. As soon as he saw I was going to stand my ground, he lost the soft, loving angle (ie “I love what we had, it was so beautiful, some of the best moments in my life, and I’m willing to move past this because I love you so much”) and switched to a sort of locked-up, emotionless but aggressive insistence on my error. I got frustrated trying to defend myself against a brick wall, said fuck you, and he told me to get lost.
We broke up and I’m moving out.
This morning he aggressively asked me how the apartment search was going. I told him to back the fuck off, give me time (I had literally moved in three weeks ago), and that I think he was cheating on me the whole time. He denied it and then was like “it’s not cheating because we aren’t in a relationship anymore.” And that he didn’t cheat because he’s a true person, not to put the blame on him because it’s all on me, and that I’m “psychotic” and a fucked up, gnarly person. It was kind of tough to really get everything out there and get a read on him because he just had like this intense blank look on his face and he just shut down the conversation.
I honestly still don’t know what to think – if he actually thinks I cheated or not, if he thinks I’m actually that kind of person, or if he’s just insecure. But either way it doesn’t matter. I’m done and over that kind of treatment and will never let anything get this far again. There were so many red flags I ignored along the way because I adored the guy and now I’m being punished for it.
I overlooked stuff like him following a bunch of porn accounts on instagram (thought every guy probably does this to some degree), threatening to go fuck someone else when I suggested I might go to India for a male friend’s wedding (he apologized and said he will treat me how he would want to be treated), read me a list of relationship ideals for himself and the first on the list was “don’t have sexual relations with another woman” and in my mind I’m like I think that’s a given. No clue if he actually cheated but I hadn’t ever considered it before.
It sucks, I loved him, but you can’t fix broken and I’m going to find someone one day that actually loves and believes me. Did I dodge some abusive thing I wonder?
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Cheaters think everyone cheats. If he’s throwing unfounded accusations at you it’s probably because he is the one who is cheating.
Who cares what he thinks? He’s a jerk and I hope you can remove yourself from his drama soon.
Glad you’re getting away from him. He’s the psychotic one.
He’s cheating. This is all psychotic projection
he was prepared to cheat and getting you out of the way so that it wasn’t actually cheating
I’m glad to see you took everyone’s advice. I don’t address everything he said, but I’ll just say he’s full of shit.
Even if he isn’t actually cheating, it doesn’t matter, the relationship was hurting you. You don’t need confirmation, you don’t need to understand his reasoning, to that path lies madness. You can accept he was a shitty partner whose actions actively hurt you and that’s enough.
I will say that shitty relationships are a lot harder to get over than healthy ones. Healthy ones tend to end when they reach their natural expiration date, theirs no animosity or unresolved issues. You’ll probably be wondering for a while what you could have done differently and I’m gonna tell you now absolutely nothing. He would never be satisfied.
In that thread, I suggested staying single for a bit and reflecting on your relationships. Unfortunately, cycles of abuse are a thing, people tend to leave one abusive relationship and enter another, and part of that is they try and move on really fast. You gotta take time and think hard about what red flags you might have missed in the beginning, what patterns you overlooked. Then when you’re ready, you’re better equipped to recognize the signs much earlier, like before getting together. Of course you can do that and still experience more abuse down the road, abuse is hard to spot even when you know what to look for, but you gotta do what you can to protect yourself.
You’re doing the right thing!
Nothing is less attractive to a woman than insecurity. Doubt his behavior is going to improve. You don’t have to take on and deal with his problems. You can do better. As I told daughters there are worse things than being single. Way he is acting, guilty.
>Did I dodge some abusive thing I wonder?
Be very careful until you actually move out! You’re right that this man could be dangerous, and breaking up is a time with a high risk of escalation. You can call a women’s services hotline for personalized advice, like whether they recommend you take your documents and stay with a friend until you have a new lease. We’re rooting for you!
https://www.thehotline.org/
“He would treat me like he would like to be treated”
Yeah, he was cheating.
He’s so full of crap. Glad you’re rid of him/soon to be away 🤞
Just Keep moving forward, and be thankful you found out sooner rather than later.
“It’s not cheating because we’re not in a relationship anymore. I mean, I never cheated, you did!” Uh-huh, and I have a bridge to sell you. He just told on himself. Good riddance.
Even if he’s not cheating, he’s an ah, so you’re better off without him. Glad you broke it off, now just to find a new place to live, then block him and move on, knowing you’re free of him.
He denied cheating and then said it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t count because you’re not in a relationship anymore?
Yeah, that doesn’t sit right with me. He might’ve been cheating and projected his insecurities onto you!
He probably wanted you to confess so he could say, “Oh well, I guess I get to cheat now,” or “I cheated on you too, so now we’re even”
He sounds like an insecure prick!
He’s cheating on you.
Your BEST option is that he has a brain tumor and will shortly be God’s problem!
But sadly, he’s probably just a cheater who’s projecting his faithlessness on you!
Leave him, it will only get worse from here on out! NTA Updateme
OP: “overlooked stuff like him following a bunch of porn accounts on instagram (thought every guy probably does this to some degree), threatening to go fuck someone else.”
Next time, don’t overlook obvious red flags.
Sending extra hugs and happy you’re getting out of this situation. He showed off his entire but early.
This dude isn’t worth a second of thought. When he said it’s not cheating because we are broken up, that is confirmation he was fckin around before all this started. Do not waste an ounce of emotion on him. Go live your life, and find someone better. In this case, it will be easy to find somebody better.
“It’s not cheating because we’re not in a relationship anymore”
Which is it, sir? You WERE cheating but now (technically) aren’t? Or did you already have sex with someone else within a very short timeframe of our relationship ending?
Yes, he cheated. Yes, you dodged an abusive relationship. I hope you find an apartment soon. Good luck!
Glad you did what had to be done. So obvious in hindsight isn’t it.