[UPDATE] Falling out with JNMIL after a decade.

This is my first update to my original post which you can find on my profile for context.

I want to start by saying a huge thank you to all of you lovely people, for the advice and the resources on my original post. For the validation and for sharing your own experiences.💚

My husband and I have still not spoken to MIL since the incident happened, where she shut down when we established basic boundaries. But we’ve discussed everything in more detail with each other and have decided to not bring it back up to MIL. We won’t be treating her like a child and asking her politely if she heard our requests. Husband plans to take many of your wonderful pieces of advice and will be enforcing the boundaries we’ve already set with her.

If she wants to act like nothing happened and still come over uninvited when the baby is born, my husband will reinforce our boundaries and remind her that she needs to make sure that it’s a good day FOR US to host visitors before turning her away.

My mom has ALREADY been so helpful by surprising my husband and I with freezer meals, fridge essentials, and homemade lasagna recently. MIL however wants to use dinners as a sort of transaction to manipulate us into letting her spend time with our baby (she has literally said this). I know it isn’t fair to compare, but it’s kind of hard not to when these women are so night and day from each other.

So yesterday, my husband had a chance to catch up with his FIL on the phone (My In-laws are divorced). He confided in FIL and said he was truly surprised that his mom reacted the way she did. FIL was super apologetic on her behalf to the both of us and said he really thought she would have matured a bit after all these years. Then he dropped a bombshell on us:

My husband asked if his mom ever put up with FIL’s mother coming by whenever she felt like it to see them as babies. Not only did FIL say no, and that MIL barred his mom from coming over whatsoever, BUT ALSO that MIL demanded FIL to stop visiting his mother when she was severely sick, a few years after they had all their kids. He was only seeing his mother a few times a week. She gave him an ultimatum to which FIL apologized and started prioritizing MIL with what little time he had outside of work. His mom ended up dying about a week so later and he didn’t get to say goodbye to her. Not only did MIL not go visit her own sick MIL with the kids to support her husband, but she robbed him of the chance for closure all because she demanded his attention at the worst possible time. I must add that prior to this event and afterwards, she had NEVER been demanding of his time or affection. There are so many old video tapes we have of them as a married couple, and in every single one MIL looks annoyed by all of FIL’s attempts to be affectionate. She never needed his attention until he was giving it to his mother..

With all these events and my anxiety recently I had to go to the hospital for a NST. Baby wasn’t moving and my blood pressure has been elevated. Thankfully everything is okay, but at this point if I go back to the hospital for any new symptoms they may just induce me. So baby could potentially arrive at any point now, and I’m really curious to see what’ll happen when we’re back home from the hospital. I think MIL will tread lightly, husband fears she may just ignore our boundaries. We shall see, and I will update again when we know more.