I was hoping not to have to update for a bit (because of getting some peace, wishful thinking I guess) but some new things have been going on and I would like some advice.
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/J4hBzDgb4A
After my last post, my fiancé and I talked and we agreed going no contact for 2 months would be a good start. We wanted to get the 2 months back since our engagement to actually enjoy our engagement and not have to deal with anymore drama with his parents. After the 2 months we would reevaluate what we wanted to do with his parents.
I thought the 2 months would help him realize how unhappy his parents made him and make it easier for him to commit to a complete no contact but he soon brought up how he doesn’t think he wants his parents at the wedding (we were planning on getting married in 2026). He said he wanted to go to therapy (we’re looking for a therapist and are debating on if he should do individual or couples therapy, he only wants to do one at a time).
The day after the last call with his parents, we decided to call his sister to let her know what happened (she was aware of everything up until the call) and to tell her we were going to go no contact for 2 months and not to speak to her parents about us. The call was…ok? She listened and didn’t impose any opinions on us and had no problems not speaking to her parents about us but she never said that what they did was wrong. Her only comments were “that makes me sad that that happened” and when I said even if they apologized I don’t ever see myself having a good relationship with them because I’ll never trust that they are being genuine, she said “that makes me sad to hear you say that.” I’ve always gotten along well with my fiancé sister and enjoy talking/hanging out with her but I didn’t love this phone call. I didn’t think it was bad but I didn’t feel super good after it either.
Is that normal? Does anyone have any advice on how or if one should keep a relationship with family members who remain in contact with their JNMIL?
That phone call with his sister happened 3 days ago. Today, my fiancé told me his sister called to share that she was also hurt that he didn’t share with her that he was going to propose to me, she just waited to share to not over shadow our engagement. Now my fiancé feels crazy and is worried he is the problem since that’s what started this whole drama with his parents. My friends and family have never had this idea of being entitled to knowing about someone’s life. I would never expect someone, no matter how close, to share with me if they are planning to propose unless I asked them. His parents and his sister never asked him if he was thinking of proposing or really asked about his relationship with me so I find it odd that they just expect him to share that when they know he isn’t good at sharing things.
Am I wrong for thinking this? I don’t know if this is a cultural thing because my fiancé and I come from different backgrounds.
Additionally, my fiancé normally spends the day with his dad for Father’s Day so his parents are upset that he hasn’t made plans/isn’t responding about that. My fiancé is also sad that he doesn’t get to spend the day with his dad.
I feel bad that he’s having a hard time with this and I want to know how to support him. I don’t think he’s crazy and tried to explain that they are purposely doing that to him and it’s wrong. But it’s gotten to him so bad that instead of my thoughts on the situation reassuring him, now he thinks we’re both crazy.
Any and all advice is much appreciated! I ended up showing the last post to my fiancé and he said it made him feel better reading all the comments. I was worried the mean ones would get to him but he actually thought there would be more lol. We had an honest conversation after reading the comments together and I feel like it brought us much closer. Thank you to everyone who commented last time and thank you in advance this time! My apologies if I’m unable to respond to all the comments. I’m trying to not let all this drama consume me.
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I think premarital counseling will be a great thing to get you on the same page. His family sounds enmeshed and not actually close, so their entitlement to his plans as an individual adult are none of their business. And I’d point out to him that they’re more upset for themselves than happy for him. They literally can’t think about his feelings and are focused on their own. Their love is conditional on him obeying their uncommunicated expectations and going through life that way is impossible.
If you plan to have children, are they going to want to know when you decide to try? Are they going to be happy when you announce your pregnancy or be mad they weren’t invited to watch? Are they going to be able to be happy for you as parents or are they going to be excited for themselves and not consider your needs or feelings?
If, genuinely, they really thought the relationship with fiance was where he would discuss life plans with them beforehand, then the appropriate reaction is to be excited and take time to reflect on your half of the relationship first. They might have considered how they don’t ask questions, etc. They really don’t sound like they have the emotional maturity for that, though.
I’m also willing to bet this is a one way expectation and they don’t discuss their plans with you. Really, they see him as a child who should seek approval, not a peer to have rich, meaningful conversations with, and that’s on them
You’re not crazy, and their feelings and behavior are theirs to manage.
Ps I can understand SILs disappointment – she probably has not figured out enmeshed vs close yet and obviously would not have been taught how to have a real relationship by ILs. However, her feelings are also hers to manage and figure out.
There are families where someone would naturally tell their parents, and there are others where they wouldn’t. I think it’s a personal choice, down to your own personality and how much you like to broadcast your life.
It’s similar to those people who feel compelled to inform the world they’re trying to get pregnant. No is actually entitled to that information if you choose to keep it to yourself.
All that to say, you’re not crazy, they are being childish by pouting about how hurt they are not to have received advance notice of a private decision between the two of you.
I’d say your MIL has gotten into your SIL’s ear.
On one hand, the expression of sadness from SIL makes sense. Family conflict is sad. It’s not fun or happy. On the other, if she’s implying it’s your job to fix her sadness by putting up with her parents, that’s another story. Only you know the details and can differentiate between these scenarios.
Ive been NC with DH’s family and it works with certain understandings in place, like respect my privacy. Don’t discuss me. The only information they get is “she’s fine, she’s busy” that’s it. The privacy of the marriage must be respected. And our home is not open. Just as I don’t invite people DH dislikes over, he doesn’t invite people I dislike over. Meet elsewhere.
From your post, the in-laws seem to have an unrealistic expectation about information. They need to get over themselves and accept he’s more private. He’ll tell them when he tells them or not. I belong to the “or not” generation where all adults are on info diets.
I get why some people would want to share their plans with their family, I personally would not like that. I’ve see too many genuinely well meaning people spoil the surprise or the announcement with their enthusiasm.
One friend was so over the top about insisting that her sister go with her to get her nails done the day of the proposal, like she kept dropping hints that she would regret it if she didn’t etc. her sister caught on pretty quickly and my friend immediately caved and then her sister said she wished her partner hadn’t told her. It was a whole drama for a while but luckily most of their family is sane and called my friend out and she eventually apologized.
Another time the groom to be’s parents had a whole speech prepared for the dinner they announced full of crude jokes and details of the proposal before the couple had a chance to share what they wanted themselves. His parents love their daughter in law but they were so excited that they just completely took over the whole moment. Luckily that situation resolved its self quickly and the in laws approached the wedding and subsequent kids with more deference to the couples feelings so maybe it was good it happened earlyish on.
While confiding in family is fine for some things, your relationship should be between the two of you; their opinions, advice and approval are not necessary and often harmful.
This is exhausting. You sure you want to marry into a family like that?
Your fiancé’s family is gaslighting him, and it’s working. They’re playing the victim card, making him doubt himself. You need to be the rock here. Remind him that their behavior is toxic, not his. Couples therapy might help him see the bigger picture. Don’t take on their guilt trips.
You’re not wrong. None of this is normal, it’s emotional blackmail dressed up as “hurt feelings.” They don’t want connection, they want control. His sister isn’t neutral, she’s just quieter about her manipulation.
And no, he’s not crazy. He’s trauma bonded and guilt-wired. Therapy (individual, then maybe couples) is the right move. Let him grieve the parents he wished he had. Just don’t let him throw you under the bus trying to win them over.
So I maintain a relationship with my sister in law but have no relationship with my mil. When I see sil and she brings up her mother I don’t react to the comment she made about her or if she says “did you hear my mom…” I always respond with “no. I don’t see or talk to your mom.” It is possible to have a relationship with someone who keeps in contact with the JustNo, it’s just a little bit complicated.
As for them saying they’re hurt that he didn’t tell them about him proposing to you, what they’re really saying is that they’re mad they didn’t get to control the situation, manipulate your fiancé and try to talk him out of it. I think no contact is best for you and your fiancé (although it’s possible he may go more towards low contact in the future ).
I think the best way to support him would be to listen to him and ask some questions like “why do you think your mom said that?” Or “why do you think she reacted to our news this way?” Leading questions. In the past when I would talk to my husband about his mom’s behaviour he would shut down and I would get mad. Now we are at the point where we can make fun of her together
There is a YouTube video that popped up on my BF youtube that completely helped him understand my point of view on how his mother was treating me and us. Even after all of our long conversations about his mother and him not quite understanding my emotions as his mother is someone that he was used to and this is how she has always been. This video did wonders for him.
I’m not sure if this will apply much in your situation as it did mine. But I believe everyone should take 20 minutes out of their day just to listen to it.
The 7 UNACCEPTABLE Behaviors that Carl Jung Warns Us Not to Tolerate.