Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/P4f2MpEjIq
Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (27M) wasn’t able to reply to everyone, but it was appreciated. It solidified my wake-up call and helped me see I wasn’t overthinking. I wanted to give an update.
Earlier this week, my wife (30F) and I were able to regroup and hash stuff out. I was glad I took the space I did because even though this situation is still hurtful and feels like a massive betrayal, I was in a better position to talk.
My wife thought I was calling it quits, but I told her we were at a crossroads and needed to talk things out. She apologized for what her family did and her role in it. She said she never intended to hurt me. She had convinced herself she was protecting me from more pain. She realizes now she was largely protecting herself.
She admitted she was afraid of telling me the truth because she thought it wouldn’t just end the wedding but that I’d end the relationship. She lost other relationships and friendships over her family. She didn’t want to lose me too.
Over the years, she wanted to tell me but kept talking herself out of it, and then the cover-up kept getting bigger, and she didn’t know how to confess. I told her I didn’t agree with her choices, and I wished she had more trust in me and our relationship. I meant it too. I wouldn’t have just ditched her.
She asked where do we go from here and promised no matter the outcome, there wouldn’t be any more secrets between us. I told her I wanted to work on our marriage, but things needed to change. We couldn’t survive with her family looming, and I didn’t want our son exposed to them.
She asked what I needed of her. I was never big on ultimatums, and I don’t really consider this as one, but I was adamant that any path of us moving forward together would mean radical boundaries with her family.
She was honest that the thought of making this big of a move against her family was scary but said if it’s between them and us/our son (2M), then she chooses us.
Her agreement was major for me because I really didn’t know where she’d land if she had to choose. I never wanted to put her in that position, but after everything her family did, I feel there was no other way.
The reason I have hope that my wife is being for real is because she sent a text to their group chat stating to stop blowing up my phone and that the no access to our son until further notice is a joint decision she fully supports. I didn’t expect that of her. She did it on her own.
Of course, they didn’t like it. Now she’s labeled as “disrespectful and ungrateful,” and how the black sheep eldest sister (35F) and I are poisoning her against them. It was also said, “What kind of man takes a woman away from her family over a spat?”
This isn’t a “spat,” nor do I have anything to prove about manhood. They led a whole campaign designed to ruin my life. Their actions are chilling to me. These are the same people who looked me in the eye with a straight face while everything was going on. This is about protecting my family.
My wife has gone low contact. Her family has this mindset that significant others or friends come and go, and it’s “family” who is the constant and where loyalty should be.
They can’t seem to compute that my wife, our son, and I are the core family. They’re extended family, and they don’t have a claim over our son. Being involved with him is a privilege, not a right.
Idk what their exact issue is with me. They only really tolerated me because of our son. When I first met them, one of my wife’s siblings (28F) said they thought my wife was settling for me “because of age” and that she could do better.
They’re a very tight-knit group, and if one doesn’t take to you, then you’re not getting far with the rest. It felt like once their minds were made up, there was nothing I could do. I’ve long since stopped trying to make sense of any of their reasonings. It’s a rabbit hole.
Our plan is to move to a new area to create a healthier distance, cement boundaries, and have a fresh start. I brought up therapy too. It’s something we’ve been discussing. We’ll be officially starting that soon.
I think moving away will be beneficial for us. It’s something my eldest SIL had advised us on. During the wedding planning, she was encouraging my wife to move and create our own space away from their family’s isolating circle.
I know my wife is more than just her family. I’ve seen it firsthand. She shines so bright when away from their influence. That’s what I meant when I said she was the most loving, unselfish, and decent person I’ve ever met.
If I’m being honest, idk how things will turn out. I’m still hurt, I still feel betrayed, and my wife’s facing her own challenges with low contact, but I want to be hopeful. I don’t want to close the door. I’m hoping we can heal together.
Thank you again to everyone for the support. I found not everything is as isolating as with the majority of my in-laws. It means more than you know.
TL;DR Update to: My marriage is in a bad spot. Idk how to trust my wife again. I was the target of some relentless and vicious cyberbullying for months. It impacted my life and my mental health. I put it behind me until my wife confessed that her family was the culprit. She showed me proof in their group chat. I knew I wasn’t their favorite person, but I never realized they hated me. My wife swears she didn’t initially know and that she made them stop. But she still hid it for years. She begged me to understand and said that she was trying to make things right for us and our son. I asked for space to clear my head. She hasn’t exactly respected that request. I’m really trying to move past it, but I feel so betrayed by her. Idk if I’m being unfair. I want to make our marriage work, but I’m questioning everything. How do I navigate this situation and move forward for my marriage and myself?
Comments
It’s a good step in the right direction. Fingers crossed it all goes well.
It seems like the path is clearing up. Hopefully, your wife can finally grow a shiny spine and slowly break away from her family’s influence.
So long she’s actually doing the work to realize her family a toxic pool, your marriage and your son’s life can be good.
Wishing you all the best luck!
Her family crossed an unforgivable line. Cut them out of your life completely. You must forge your own path, and toxic people have no place in it. Wish you the best of luck.
I’m glad your wife is finding her spine. If there’s anything I learned about enmeshed families, it doesn’t stop with the husband. Even if she divorced you, they would never be happy. They’d control her job if she had any, her money, and even her access to her own son and how he would be raised. They’d leave scraps to nothing for her, and when they’re dead and gone, she’d just be alone, wondering how things became the way they are. They’d be llike mold in her life.
I’m happy for the both of you and hope you and your fam get the peace you need.
The path forward is starting to appear and hopefully your wife will stick to the path.
Good luck OP
Dude I wish you all the best. I hope your wife can keep the no/low contact
Updateme
uhhmm, you don’t need advice. you’ve decided to wreck yourself and that’s okay. it’s your choice. she’s lost relationships before because of her family, fooled and almost lost you but hey, she reeled you back in with her “sincerity”. and how does she plan on establishing boundaries with her family? it’s like trusting a crack addict. good luck!
Sounds like a solid conversation, but maybe instead of referring to the SIL as the black sheep call her the most sane, unselfish person in the family, everybody down to you wife is selfish in that bloodline. Your wife needs individual therapy before you do couples, she’s so enmeshed with her family, she doesn’t know who she is.
I hope the 2 of you do some couples’ therapy.
Your wife’s family is crazy. You are right to go LC.
Establish ordinary contact only when:
Don’t waive these two conditions.
Healthy boundaries, distance and therapy all seem like a good plan.
I’m glad steps are being taken, and I hope things can be healed between you and your wife.
My dad did this cuz his family was stuck with 3rd world thinking/behaviors. They actually were the type to come to work and defame you if you weren’t in their same page.
He and my mom kept my mom’s side of the family because they rejected our home country’s 3rd world mentalities in general, thank god they were taken and raised in France with 1st world mentalities. They flat out moved to the US and isolated themselves from our people and super happy they did. I’d rather deal with the bad behaviors of people here than back there.
Only reason why I know all this is cuz they explained it to me after college. Never interacted with my people ever (prob by design by parents and I’m happy with that, the whole going back to your roots thing is BS).
Good job OP. Going the right direction.
Sorry, I can’t get past the knowledge that your wife decided that it was easier for you to suffer year after year, personally and professionally, at the hands of her family rather than stand up and tell them to shut up or at least tell you earlier
Damn – sometimes it’s hard to believe that some families raise their kids in a cult-like setting because they need that level of control…
Gonna go call my folks and thank them for being normal, decent humans that never opened fraudulent credit cards in my name, ran off decent partners cause they were on a power trip and afforded me and my siblings the same love, attention and opportunities growing up (this has been confirmed from said siblings)
I’m glad to hear things are looking up, but it’s sad that your wife doesn’t see that her family’s campaign against you was also a campaign against her. The attempts to destroy your business and livelihood affected her, too. They wanted to hurt her.
The only way forward is full NC for your wife and you. She can’t keep a toe in the water and not get bit. Move away and expunge them from your life.
This is an awesome update my man.
You were 100%, unequivocally fucked over by her family and her. There is no dismissing that. You earned the right to move with caution.
However, I understand your wife more with this update. Families can be controlling and toxic and it’s clear she has one of the worst ones out there outside of physical/sexual abuse. She is afraid, and not able to comprehend her actions completely because her family didn’t prepare her for healthy relationships. But she’s shown dedication to you and comitted to correcting her actions and setting boundaries. And she’s siding with the other “black sheep” who clearly already figured out the path to a healthy life.
You have work to get through, but you’re on the right path.
This family is acting like a cult. I mean it. Their whole attitude of ‘family over everything’, keeping “outsiders” away, punishing members for daring to step out of line and banishing them from the family. Your wife had to go through years of brainwashing.
I would believe her when she says she was afraid to go against her family. Not to make any excuses for her because not telling you the truth was wrong. But that she’s now willing to set boundaries with her family is HUGE.
She has years and years of therapy ahead of her to fix what these people broke. And I’m wishing both of you the best of luck
Thank you for the update! Wishing you and your wife the best of luck in rebuilding your relationship.
OP, you are a very generous person. It sounds like your wife had her wakeup call and is moving away from toxicity towards you.
My wife has the same type of family, she’s had to cut them off completely except for the black sheep lol but she’s so much better for it. I’ve been here to support her through it. If you ever need a helpful ear feel free to hit me up.
Everything you wrote here is correct. Proud of you for standing your ground and proud of her for doing what’s right. Her family does not care about her happiness and well-being.
Good for her for cutting off her awful family though I hope she can redeem herself, I get it if not
I’d buy a home using a LLC so they won’t be able to find you.
Because I’m willing ti get they will ramp up.
What does black sheep did say about all this?
I still think you should sue them.
I’m really glad you talked and your wife was open to your requests. I wish you all the very best, OP.
May your in-laws always have holes in their socks.
May their shoes become untied at inconvenient times and never remain tied.
Etc. etc.
That’s wild that she saw what she and her family did to her sister and still lied to you. I hope she’s serious.
I’m glad to see this update. I just wanted to say.
Your wife’s family screams narcissistic family dynamic. So when you go looking for a therapist, then I highly recommend that you find someone who specializes in personality disorders and traumas.
These situations are complicated and many “normal” therapists might not be well enough equipped to help you properly.
I can understand where your wife was coming from. I don’t agree but she thought she would loose you and then it just got bigger and bigger.
I think moving is an excellent idea. Once away and they are blocked I hope you both can shine.
OP I think you are on the right track. Hopefully once your wife realises how wonderful she feels with them mostly gone she will be completely NC. Or even better she becomes a black sheep and they wander off.
Best of luck.
This is a good update, I’m glad your wife made the right decisions. Family can be toxic…and your in laws are going above and beyond.
While MC is needed, she desperately needs IC to help her enforce the boundaries.
The best book on this is called Boundaries! Get the audiobook if she’s not a reader. But no phone or TV while she’s listening.
It’s a must read for both of you.
Bible says a wife shall leave her family and cleave with her husband.
I’d suggest avoiding family almost altogether for rest of this year. Maybe for Christmas you just stay home. They must know she’s not bluffing.
If they stay obstinate, they distance will continue.
I only see this working if she basically blocks her family for rest of year. And tells you everytime family texts.
Wow, what a week you have had. I don’t really understand toxic families like hers. I don’t understand how she could let them hurt your so much and still want to hang out with them.