Thanks to everyone who responded to my original post. Your advice and outside perspective really helped me see things clearly.
We were supposed to talk tonight, just one honest conversation to see if there was anything left to save. But he fell asleep putting our daughter to bed and never came down. No message. No effort.
That moment confirmed what I’ve been feeling deep down for a while. I’ve been holding this relationship together alone. Giving chances. Getting my hopes up and being let down every single time.
To be fair, over the past two days he did try. He was suddenly being the partner I’ve been asking for. He cleaned without being asked, made me coffee (which he rarely did), and sent me long, apologetic texts. He acknowledged how much he’s hurt me and even told me he booked a therapy session for Monday.
But the truth is, I feel like it’s too late. It took me reaching my breaking point for him to react. And even now, when we finally had a chance to talk, he fell asleep again. He’ll wake up in our daughter’s bed and find the message I sent, telling him that I’m done.
I don’t even want to speak to him at this point, though I know I’ll have to for the sake of our daughter. I’m hurt, exhausted, and emotionally checked out. After 12 years together, and five of those raising a child, I’ve hit a point where love has turned into resentment. I don’t recognise us anymore.
I know this won’t be easy. But I also know it’s necessary. I need peace. I need clarity and I need to stop trying to fix something that’s been broken for far too long.
Thank you again to everyone who helped me feel less alone in this. It meant more than you know.
tl;dr:
Fiancé and I (both 30) have been together for 12 years and have a 5-year-old daughter. He’s a kind man but a workaholic who’s been emotionally and practically absent for a long time. I reached my limit. He made a last-minute effort the past two days, cleaned, made coffee, booked therapy. But tonight, when we were meant to talk, he fell asleep again. I sent him a message ending it. I’m heartbroken but also at peace. I can’t carry this alone anymore.
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Spoiler alert: He won’t change.
Thank you for the update.
You are making the right choice.
Proud of you!
I have had this happen also – they do everything you’ve ever asked of them when they know you are done. They think this helps.
What they don’t realize as it just PISSES US OFF EVEN MORE because now WE KNOW they knew what and how to do what we asked for all along, they just DID NOT CARE until we are walking out the door. TOO F*CKING LATE AH!!!
I wish you all the best! May you have happier times ahead!
One day you’ll have a man that takes care of you and his family and his house without even being asked, because he wants to. And you’ll be so grateful for this moment!
When a woman is done, she is done.
Enjoy the rest of your life, it’s going to get so much better now.
I was following your story since it feels closely related to mine, even though there were a few different things, I can relate to feeling of being done with the cycle of saying things will change only for it to repeat the same cycle every couple months. I’m unable to take that next step by taking my ring off due to finances, but I applaud you for doing that for you and your child.
>To be fair, over the past two days he did try. He was suddenly being the partner I’ve been asking for. He cleaned without being asked, made me coffee (which he rarely did), and sent me long, apologetic texts. He acknowledged how much he’s hurt me and even told me he booked a therapy session for Monday.
Oh for two whole days? No.
Also, this means he was capable all along but just didn’t want to. Do with that what you will.
Updateme
Wishing you all the happiness as you start a “new” life 🙂 you deserve it
Updateme
You’re not alone. I left a 8ish year relationship for similar reasons: workaholic, always prioritized other things, people, and maintaining an image above me and our relationship. Refused individual therapy when I asked him to go 4 months before I left.
After I left he sent apologetic letters, cards, asked me to talk and he promised he’d change and it wouldn’t happen again since he now understands the error of his ways; I’ll never have to worry about any of that again.
The thing is, though, that’s what he said the last time. And, I did give him a second chance. Spent a few more years with him and it didn’t stick. Was up to his old ways.
Personalities, including prioritizing work/himself, over you and family, are pretty much ingrained at our age. It takes work to change. Work he could have been doing when you brought it up to him well before the straw that broke the camels back. He thought you’d reached a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness and was fine with that for you until you decided to leave. It’s really hard to unsee that, that someone you love could be ok with you feeling that way, and I don’t think you should.
Maybe a separation and if in a year he’s done the work, without you managing it for him or pushing him to do it, you can reevaluate.
I’m sorry.
Well done for not being prepared to wait for another 12 years, best of luck in your life OP
You are doing what is best for you and your child. It’s work but you will be happier in the long run.
I mean, let’s be fair, he was probably exhausted too. Countless times I’ve fallen asleep in my daughter’s bed trying to get her to go to sleep. You could have collected him to have the talk, but you didn’t really want to talk, did you? I don’t mean that as an accusation; your previous post makes it clear that you have begged and pleaded for him to see the damage he’s done and for him to change. So I can see how him falling asleep felt like the ultimate insult.
Just saying; if you really wanted to talk, just go get him already.
He will change for a few weeks soon as he sees you’re okay he will go right back to treating you like he always has. 12 years engaged…why? He’s never going to marry you, be thankful he hasn’t, and LEAVE. Get your happy
Good luck.
He will say he was blindsided! Never saw it coming.
The fact that he got it together for the past 2 days validates that he was perfectly capable but chose not to. The age old saying, “if he wanted to, he would “ is proven. This in itself can be so discouraging but it confirms for you that he doesn’t want to put in the work for a lifetime. You don’t want a lifetime of begging someone to make you a priority, you want them to want to do it. Please stay strong as he will still try to get you to change your mind with promises to change. If in 12 years he hasn’t, don’t waste another year.
You are men’s property so put the ring back on. I’m not saying you’re property but I am saying you are given to the man and belong to the man.
Updateme
If it takes you leaving to motivate them to change, the relationship is already dead.
Look up Walk Away Wife Syndrome
It’s a real thing, I had it with my ex husband
Glad you didn’t fall for his measly fake two day act.