original post: https://old.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1jasjgt/i_44f_just_found_out_that_my_ex_55m_is_very_ill/
Hey everyone. First of all, thank you very much to people to responded so kindly to my original post, especially people who shared personal stories and perspectives. I wanted to reply to everyone, but I was working and then the post got locked somehow.
Short version of the original: my ex, who is my oldest son’s father, is gravely ill. My son was very torn about saying goodbye and I was in need of advice to help guide him.
So, my son (Yasha) came over to our house shortly after I made the post. We talked for a long time. My son is a wonderful and immensely strong person, but he doubts himself when it comes to big choices and can get pretty paralyzed. We spoke for a long, long time, and we’ve continued to talk. Last weekend, he decided to visit his father in the hospital.
I drove him to the hospital and went inside with him. And this is where I’m very ashamed, but I wasn’t able to go to my ex’s room with my son. I really, really thought I would be able to, and seems extremely silly even typing it. He’s in a hospital bed, nothing was going to happen. But I saw him and I had to step outside. I told Yasha and he was very understanding but didn’t want to go in alone either. We sat for awhile in the hospital cafe and then he decided to go upstairs alone. I think he called his brother, my youngest son, before he did (they’re very good friends), but I’m not sure.
Yasha was there for probably 30 minutes (but again, I think for some of it he was on the phone with his brother, not in the room with his dad). When he came back he said my ex is very sick but knew where he was, who Yasha was, etc. Yasha says that mostly, my ex just talked, mostly about random/irrelevant stuff (sports, politics) and a little bit about some stuff that happened when Yasha was younger (long story, but he was briefly in juvie, and my ex was also in juvie long ago). I get the impression Yasha himself didn’t talk much.
So that’s that. My ex is still alive last I heard (talked to his cousin on Wednesday), but they’re just “keeping him comfortable.” Yasha is, as always, an amazing and brave man. He says he feels glad he went to see his dad, but only because now he knows and doesn’t have to play the “what if” game.
I feel extremely guilty I didn’t go inside with Yasha. Obviously I can’t change it, but I know several people suggested it and I feel like such a shitty mom for leaving him. He amazed me, as always, with his strength, but I wish I could have been the strong one for him. Oh, well. We’re going to spend the weekend together.
I wanted to thank everyone for their perspectives – I brought a lot of it up to Yasha when he wanted to hash out whether or not to go, and a lot of people shared really personal, insightful, smart, kind stuff. So thank you. I wish this update could be more satisfying, or that I could have replied to everyone, but hopefully this is okay.
TLDR: After some debate, my son went to say “goodbye” to his father. It was pretty uneventful, but I’m proud of him. I’m grateful for everyone’s advice. I pretty much only use reddit for crafting stuff (on a different account), but you guys reliably give very kind, good personal advice too. 🙂