In my original post dealt with me feeling coerced into having a second child, and lying to my wife about staying late at work to let her get a taste of what staying at home with kids is like. But reddit deleted that user for me, so that’s fun.
So, I wasn’t planning on giving an update, but a few commenters and people in DMs gave what I think is really good advice, so I decided I should do it for their benefit.
The big thing that affected me was someone saying I should put myself in my child’s shoes, and I tried doing it like therapy roleplay. And it shook me a little. I stand by the fact that I shouldn’t just erase myself completely because I’m a father, but regardless of how the kids got here, the kids are here, and me feeling justified at being angry at my wife doesn’t change that.
I took a day off work to get my thoughts together, and I told my wife everything. She was obviously angry, and a lot of accusations were thrown around, but she also seemed a bit relieved. I asked her, not as a threat, if she wanted to get divorced. She said no. I said I didn’t either. But since the current situation clearly wasn’t sustainable, we needed to either cut and run or at least try to get past the resentment to try and be happy with the life we do have, and talk about what that means going forward. I also got her to acknowledge that staying home alone with kids while your partner goes to work is really hard, and she may have been taking everything I went through with our daughter a bit for granted. As someone suggested in DMs I organized the issues into topics and sub topics we should discuss. I present them here as we discussed them to the best I can remember (it was very long and draining):
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I am not leaving my job. I stepped up and stayed home for our eldest (I was the one on paternity leave then, then I quit to stay with her), but that’s not a viable solution now. I like my job and don’t want to leave it. We will discuss a nanny vs. daycare but regardless – neither of us is going to stay at home. She acknowledged she expected me to but admitted I told her I wouldn’t so it wasn’t fair to expect that.
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We’re going to be separating our assets. We’re planning on staying together, but it needs to be a choice made of love, not convenience, which is why we’re going to set everything up in advance, so that divorce isn’t a logistical nightmare.
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That is because divorce can’t be a threat or means of coercion anymore. It’s okay to feel unhappy. It’s okay to choose to leave, it’s okay to discuss it, but it can’t be a means of strongarming me into things. The next time divorce comes up, it’s because we’re seriously discussing it.
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I asked about how relieved she seemed to hear about my lies (I’ve seen that woman be very very angry, and this wasn’t it). She said she knew I was lying, and was worried I was having an affair, and didn’t really know how to call me out on it. She obviously wasn’t happy about the lying, but “staying late” at work to play RimWorld and watch The Resident was actually not as bad as she feared. Obviously I’m not to do that anymore.
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I will be getting an afternoon to myself every week and one on the weekend where I DO get to watch TV & play games and am not to be bothered unless someone is on fire.
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She gets the same. She can go out with friends, chill at home, whatever she chooses to do with her time. The point is giving her time to not be a parent forva bit and recharge.
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I obviously can’t force her into therapy because therapy requires a willingness to engage, but I still highly encourage it. It won’t come at the expense of her free time so that shouldn’t be a reason not to go. We also probably need marriage counseling but realistically that can’t happen until she’s comfortable with leaving the baby with someone besides me. I would still rather go once he’s older though.
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We need to start treating parenting like a team sport & reassess the division of labour. It’s obviously hard to avoid the “it’s not fair” feeling, but it might be necessary.
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To that end, We need to set aside time for me alone with our son. It may very well be that part of the reason I am close to my daughter is the amount of time I had spent with her. So I need an opportunity to bond with him as well. Yes, obviously it would be better if I immediately felt that bond like I did with our eldest, but I can’t change the way I feel, but I should change the way I act. I was very angry when I wrote that initial post, and I suppose it was very bitter. But I did come to love & enjoy being a father once, nothing saying it can’t happen again.
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Speaking of that – time aside alone with my daughter. Being a father of two is exhausting. But also having to deal with both at the same time means neither gets my full attention, and that means both should get some alone time where all attention is on them.
And… yeah, I guess that’s about it. I’m gonna try and do more with the kids and ease off my wife a bit, because I might not like how we got here, but I AM a father and I AM responsible for two innocent kids who might be very adversely affected by my actions, so… guess I had a part in making this bed so it’s not fair to demand my wife sleeps in alone.
I’ll just get back at her by getting a really expensive sports car when we’re 60 & the kids have moved out or something…
Thank you all for reading, and to some of you for some very kind words & very valuable advice. Obviously it’s still early, and things can quickly and horribly go to hell, but for the first time weeks, I’m optimistic, and that’s something, at least. Because despite everything, I love my wife, and I want to make this work, which is why I didn’t want divorce in the first place, and despite understanding that it’s a valid option – still don’t.
Comments
also get snipped it’s on you to ensure no more kids happen.
Glad to hear you’re working on fixing things, and for chrissakes get a vasectomy.
Honestly super adult of you both. It’s good to hear a story as in the hole as yours, and to hear you two could come to the table and talk respectfully and truthfully. Good luck!
Good plan hope it works. Date night for both of you too once you both trust someone to babysit.
I’m glad to hear that you’ve talked it out with each other and have come up with a game plan. I hope this works out, and I’m keeping a good thought for you and your family.
It is a good plan, honesty too is always the best policy.
Huge progress in both action and attitude from where you started, so that’s a good thing.
Good luck and maybe update us again in a few months if you get the chance.
I don’t understand how you can end up with a child you don’t/didn’t want. You know how sex works right?? Takes two to tango, and if you’re not wrapping it before tapping it – then babies happen. It’s simple!
Everything you said is negated by on the end saying you’re going to “get back at her” in the end. You’re holding a lot of resentment towards her and that is just going to simmer.
You do not sound happy. I’d seriously consider if you want to stay in this.
Wow, this is a really big turnaround from the previous post. Wishing you guys strength to figure everything out, but no matter where it ends up I think you’ve done the right thing by finally honestly addressing you issues. Good luck!!
…idk, but it sounds like ur gunna make for a good father. you admitted ur mistakes and are actively working to better yourself[selves] for ur kids…a lot of dads can’t even manage that.
I think these are great ideas for this season. The bittersweet part of parenting is that kids grow and change very quickly. You’ll blink and it won’t be as intense and you’ll find yourself with more free time and better opportunities for interesting conversations with your kids. You just have to make it through the first few years
The minute you brought up splitting up finances dude just divorce her, you’ve already laid the seeds of it happening.
I don’t understand why you didn’t get a vasectomy, you had no problem lying before why not then? I do think what you were doing was so ridiculous and immature, I don’t know how she can even take you seriously the next time you say you’ve had a tough day at work? I think a lot of men use this as an excuse to get out of being a parent and you’ve shown that in spades.
Saying stuff like you enjoyed being a father once? No you are always a father and whether you like it or not you don’t get this luxury of playing mind games with your wife and hiding at your job because you aren’t hurting her, you’re hurting the kids. That doesn’t sound like a victim to me, it sounds like a guy who was cowardly and couldn’t talk to his wife and is still allowing a lot of resentment to fester that’s going to hurt his kids even more because he can’t just tell the full truth.
I don’t know I get your frustration about not liking the hand you were dealt but at the same time you have no one to blame but yourself, literally, you had to do the deed to make the child and now that it’s here you can’t keep acting like one just because you couldn’t be honest and then here you are saying she can’t engage when this whole mess started because you couldn’t?
Love it all except none of your points included spending quality time TOGETHER. If you want this to work long term, that should be on the top of that list.
I’m proud of you. This is being a man and working things out.
It’s gonna suck. You will want to quit but you got this
So weird that ppl like this end up as parents but glad you’re working it out
This is possibly the most emotionally mature, rational reaction to a life altering situation that I’ve seen on this site. I commend you for being able to put aside your resentment and look at things from your children’s point of view. It takes a level of emotional intelligence that is sadly lacking in so many men (often through no fault of their own, due to the toxic way men have been raised in regards to emotions).
It’s so refreshing to hear about people communicating. I hope this works out in a way that makes all of you happy, regardless of how it ends up.
Okay, this update is actually really promising. It sounds like you both finally laid everything out on the table, even the messy parts, and that’s huge. Separating assets while staying together is an interesting approach, but if it helps remove that power imbalance, it could be really smart. Giving each other dedicated alone time is also crucial for preventing burnout. It’s good you’re acknowledging the need to bond with your son and be more present with both kids. It won’t magically erase your initial feelings, but consistent effort can def change things over time. Wishing you and your wife all the best as you navigate this new chapter. It takes guts to be this honest, so props to you both for trying.
Such great news! I’m glad you’re both going to try and make it work 🙂 I wish you both luck for the future.
Well this sounds incredibly healthy! Hope everything goes well for you, OP!
It’s always nice to see positive updates! Happy for you!
This most recent post shows that you and your wife are one in the same. Water seeks its own level.
Okay, you cherry-picked the comments you liked, OP, and your wife didn’t coerce you into children. She was honest that she wanted kids and threatened divorce when you said you didn’t, and then you acted convinced and tried for the children, then she wanted a second child.
At least you are now being honest with what you want instead of lying about what you want, but she didn’t coerce you into children OP… you actively tried for those children.
Manchild.
You’re a good man.
I’m really happy to hear this! I wish your whole family the best of luck getting through this.
OP. This is probably the most mature thing I’ve seen on this app. I’m proud of you as a fellow human who chose empathy and humanity, even when it wasn’t necessarily the easiest or most convenient route. We go through things, and more importantly, we get through things. I wish you and your family all the best.
I stopped reading at staying together and separating assets.
She’s going to divorce you out of nowhere, dude. Separating your assets? It’s a bad sign that she isn’t upset or ‘mad’ at your lies. That’s basically a tell tale sign that a woman is resigned and mentally & emotionally over it. She doesn’t care and is letting herself divorce you mentally so it’s easy to cut clean later on. Please make sure you are mentally prepared so it doesn’t blindside you.
og post ?
Get the vasectomy my guy
I read your original post and your update — and I was really impressed by how mature and intentional you both were. You don’t see that level of awareness and partnership every day.
If I may offer one small suggestion that’s made a huge difference in my own marriage: create space to be a couple, not just parents. My wife and I started this when we got married 12 years ago, and it’s been one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. We call it our ‘dating rule’:
One date night every week; One date weekend every six months; And one full week every year just for us.
It’s not always easy, especially with kids and life happening all the time — but that intentional time together keeps the connection alive, reminds us who we are as a couple, and makes us better partners and parents.
Just wanted to share that in case it resonates with you. You’re doing great — keep showing up for each other like this.
Edit: format
You got from petty to mature really fast, this is impressive. I hope I can be like you when I have kids.
Love this! Hope all goes well for you guys in the future. Maybe a vasectomy might be a good idea lol
So you get 2 days a week to yourself, she gets 1, AND y’all haven’t made time to be a couple?
Enjoy being single, my dude.
Really impressed by your choices here. You guys may actually make it. Well done.
A suggestion that I have liked/used with finding time to be intimate is: when one parents is putting kids to bed, the other parent is picking up downstairs to re-set the living room area (putting away toys, putting dishes in the sink, folding the blankets) or setting up the bedroom for a cuddle session. That way when the kids are in bed you can both take a breath in a (semi) clean area and be able to focus on each other.
Make a fun at home date night using stuff from the dollar store, bc I know we’re all living on budgets. One that I like is where you both spend 15-30 minutes painting a picture of each other (no peeking until it’s done) on some cheapie canvases. One of the ways to increase connection is to have new experiences together, even if it’s simple stuff. Worst come to worst you find out you’re a modern day Picasso. I applaud your efforts to really understand yourself, overcome your resentment and to create a better environment and be a better parent for your two kids, bc at the end of the day or the end of your life years from now you can look back and know that no matter the outcome you put yourself into it 100%. Good job Dad.
I wish every male would read this and realize just what a task it is to raise children. So many partners think the wife is chewing gum and watching tv all day.
It’s PHYSICAL and it’s EMOTIONAL and all the in betweens.
I hope you can work things out. Remembering you were once a child can go a long way in trying to cope with how children are.
The only thing that I would add (following from point 9 and 10) is allocating time for you both to reconnect and spend time together. It’s great to read about you trying to come together again but quality time as adults without kids would be the cherry on top.
I didn’t see it mentioned, but you should also set time aside to be alone with your wife. Actually date again.
Great job OP and I wish you and the wife my best. I’ll tell you a true story about my situation with my young younger than me, wife. We discussed having more than a couple of kids when we first got engaged. After being married a year, we tried for our first and were successful. She stayed at home, quit her job and became the baby’s primary caretaker. When I saw how overwhelmed, clueless and over her head she was I decided if your last kid. That first year and a 1/2 of me pickingup majority of the household slack, and I was working full-time, while she took the baby to the beach and hung out with the “moms club” was enough for me. I voiced my issues, concerns and very little improved. I soon thereafter didn’t ask her permission or input when I scheduled my getting snipped. She cried, begged sobbed to no avail. It was the best decision I ever made. We’re good now and I am no longer overwhelmed. I have zero regrets getting snipped.
Advice to mothers: teach your daughters how to be mothers someday… it might help them live a happier marriage.
This is the healthiest, most positive post I’ve seen in a long time
This is the best outcome to be honest. Well done for taking the adult approach of fixing the problems in your marriage and giving it a real go. Rooting for you guys.
Great start! I love the idea of marriage counseling as well but for now the plan yall have is a great step. Well done both of you! Parenting is HARD!
To have quality time as a couple we set a 7 pm bed time for our daughter. We ate dinner at 6:00, one parent supervised bath time while the other finished cleaning the kitchen (alternated this chore) then we read to her for 15 minutes before bed.
From 7 pm until 10 pm, every night, was time for us. Implementing a schedule, sticking with it, enabled us to reconnect as a couple. Give each other a foot massage, back rubs, just talk about your day.
So, then, you’re NOT having a third child? You said on the other post that you would.
where’s the original post?
Sometimes dealing with a problem is easier than the dread of dealing with it, which is not to suggest this is a small problem! Just that the dread and not dealing with it is even worse.
Give yourself and your family grace. This was an impossible situation for you and your family. I’ll commend for trying at setting a middle ground for the both of you. You’re trying so that at least means something right?
I am happy to hear you have changed your tune, after your first post I was pretty worried for you and your family OP. I’m very happy to hear it’s going well for you, it can be really difficult to admit you are wrong and take that step back to reexamine your situation. I’m glad your wife could acknowledge she was wrong too! I hope things keep improving for your family and future happiness!
I thought very poorly of you from your last post but seeing you were staying late to play Rimworld, I take it all back
I’m glad you’re communicating these frustrations! When I saw the earlier post, I really agreed with one of those comments about how your kid will know in their gut even if you don’t say it, and it hurt me to think about it. I was hoping you’d take some of those messages to heart.
Good luck!
Great!! Don’t be coerced into having any more kids!!! Sounds like you both have a good plan.
This was a nice twist! Love this!
Ok, I’m going with bait. His little BS response about the 3rd kid solidified it for me.
But on the off chance this isn’t bait, still think OP is a huge asshole and whenever people wonder why women are staying single more and not having children or have higher standards. Just know, this man and the men in his comments is EXACTLY why becauae dear God. All of this was a freaking cesspool smh.
I wish you both and your families all the unconditional love, happiness, good health and positivity.
Good on you bro. I hope things work out.
Baffling that people can live without thinking from the perspective of other people let alone their loved ones, but it seems like you’re trying to do the right thing and the point is once you did see from their perspective, you decided to change.