Well, it happened, now grandmother in law has texted husband inviting us to ANOTHER EVENT. In 2 weeks. Absolutely not. I’m sorry but it’s just TOO MUCH. I feel SUFFOCATED by these people. They are relentless. Absolutely not. Now what?!!?! We just keep saying no! I’m not going. Not at all.
See yesterday’s post.
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Other posts from /u/GraySkyr2:
Dividing the relationship, 1 day ago
Those with blocked MIL’s, 1 week ago
Final vent / rant, 4 weeks ago
In-laws ruining bday party – not in the mood UPDATE, 1 month ago
In-laws ruining bday party – not in the mood, 1 month ago
Husband’s relationship with his family is taking a toll on him and myself., 2 months ago
Anyone else’s mother encourage you to be the bigger person?, 4 months ago
Yet another unannounced “drop in”, 4 months ago
Update to yesterdays post, 4 months ago
Incoming vent / rant, 4 months ago
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So, spitballing here. You’ve set a boundary that you’ll only visit them every two months (ish, but precision only matters as much as you want it to.) They want another visit in two weeks. It’s an hour away, and LO doesn’t handle that well. I can’t imagine that your husband enjoys hearing LO cry the whole way either.
‘Sorry, GM, but my daughter doesn’t travel well. We will not be putting her through two hours of distress at this time. GraySky2 will be staying home with her. Maybe we can arrange something in [three months at least], but no sooner.’
Next invite before that three month deadline: ‘Maybe we can arrange something in [previous time plus one month].’
With any luck, LO will be driving herself by the time they’ve earned another visit.
Does MIL know you only see them, was it once/twice a month? I’m just wondering if she is pushing the boundary or if he’s just unable to say no because they don’t know the boundary.
Either way he has to say something along the lines of “ we won’t be able to come down for another visit, probably until October”. He needs to learn how to say no without being a baby, or he can tell them that he will visit and you are not able to come with little one. SO Clearly needs to do a better job of learning the word no.
Tell your husband what date you will visit with his family past. “LO and I will accompany you to visit in-laws on October 18. Let’s invite them to lunch half-way somewhere. When they try to make plans with you, tell them it won’t work but offer lunch THAT day. If they cant make it, offer the next weekend.”
Your boundaries are your boundaries. You dont necessarily need to communicate them but you do need to uphold them yourself. Your husband has no intention of sticking to YOUR boundaries and that’s okay. His consequence is that you will say no. From now on, tell him which date you will visit from and then do not engage further with him.
“October 18 is the earliest I’ll see your family. I am not going to discuss this again.”
He feels pressure from his family because he is unwilling to set boundaries. Instead of disappointing his mom, he is happy to pressure you in return and act like you are the one making life hard. He needs to respect your preferences or the date can move back a week or month.
Don’t give in.
Hi OP. I haven’t read all of your posts, but from what I have read, I wonder if you need to start setting firmer boundaries with your husband. He is still afraid of mommy, still caving to the slightest pressure, still never calling anything out, and still pressuring you to please her. This is unacceptable, especially after all you have been through with these people.
This is the boundary I think you need to set with him:
What this looks like in real life is up to you. For example, when he crosses this boundary, you could extend the once every two month visit to once every three months, and so on.
BTW this works: every time my MIL tried to guilt trip me or otherwise manipulate me, every time my husband didn’t call her out, or tried to convince me to comply with her demands, I reduced contact. Now I see her once or twice a year in which I say three words to her and we have no other contact – no texts, no calls, no emails.
DH’s enabling of your MIL and his guilt tripping of you must have a consequence.
edit: grammar
We were expected to do a 3 hour drive to my in-laws and a 3 hour drive back home for pretty much every event/holiday/etc. That became undoable (daughter gets car sick, for one thing). We tried to get a hotel and do the drive home the next day but that really sort of takes up the entire weekend. Everyone else gets on with their lives and we are still driving someplace…..we tried to spend the night at MIL’s but it is not comfortable, we have pets at home, etc. Bright Idea was for everyone to meet half-way! This means everyone is driving someplace and driving back (no one has 6 hours of driving tho….) That lasted maybe 3 times because guess why? NO ONE wants to spend that much time driving someplace.
My mom does this. She knows we don’t have energy for all the events and she sees the kids and all of a sudden her impulse control is gone, she wants to see them all the time and bombards me relentlessly with invitations.
Sometimes I have to tell her “no, we’re taking a few weeks to recover so the answer is no for awhile.” It never goes well, she’s always in tears, giving the silent treatment, etc but then she starts up again.
“Sorry, we’re completely booked out for the next 5-6 months. Just count us as a ‘no’ to invitations from now on. If we have a free weekend, we will let you know”