[Read my previous post on this subreddit for original context]
I decided today to call a help line that answers questions about abusive relationships, to people in those relationships/ people that are concerned for friends of family/ people that have left an abusive relationship and want to know about how to progress.
The woman on the phone I think misunderstood me, and I really should’ve only mentioned his actual signs of abuse instead of him being my friend’s mental health provider, because the woman on the phone told me that since my friend was 18 at the time and they only actually got into a relationship after the clinic that there is no issue.
Even when I told her that my friend confessed to him in the clinic, because she wanted to be let down easy so she could move on from her feelings and he didn’t reject her she said that if I find this immoral then my friend is just as guilty as the 42 year old mental health provider is, since she confessed to him…
When I then tried to explain what other behaviours outside of that first starting point concern me she asked me if my friend thinks that he’s abusive, I answered: When I ask her about abusive behaviours she says he does them, but that it’s fine that he does that because she loves him and he’s not abusive (even though she confirmed to me that he does the abusive behaviours, for more context feel free to read my previous post and comments about this since this is just an update).
The woman on the phone told me that if my friend doesn’t feel abused and since she told him about her crush, that I am being creepy and overstepping for caring so much.
She asked me why I care, and I answered: Because she’s my best friend and I care about her and I see signs of heavy manipulation and am concerned for her well being.
She called me creepy again, (I really don’t know why, is it really creepy for me to worry about my friend being abused when she told me so many situations with him and I even witnessed some first hand that are extremely concerning, like him making jokes about that her parents don’tlove her, or him disregarding her emotions and boundaries while constantly depending on her to regulate his feelings?) said that if my friend said in the beginning that there was a power dynamic due to her being mentally vulnerable, that that is just my friend making excuses.
When I talked about reporting him to his work for dating someone who used to be a patient so close after release (confessing to her and reciprocating only 4 days after her release), she said I shouldn’t report him, because:”You could ruin his life, Don’t you dare do that! This conversation is over.”
When I asked if I could ask a question, why I later learned means to some people that the person saying this wants to get control back of the situation?, I personally just genuinely wanted to ask if it would be ok for me to email his workspace about just his dating of an 18 year old who used to be a patient, immediately after release, or if that is bad…
She hung up the phone after I said: “Can I ask a question?”
I feel really confused again, I thought working on reporting him would be the right and important thing to do for the teens and young adults he works with, but now I’m really confused again?
Am I overstepping? Being creepy? Idk? Am I trying to make a problem where there is none, I know that pretty much all of you previously said that I am not making a mountain out of a molehill, and I really appreciate it! I just feel like maybe I am being crazy, maybe I am overreacting? What if she’s right and I am entirely misjudging the situation, but then again others around me who know the situation closer also say it’s a really horrible situation…but maybe I should just ignore it, maybe it is fine if she is ok with the manipulation like the woman said? I feel discouraged, and like maybe I am not doing the right thing…?
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You’re not overstepping and being creepy. That woman should also be fired from her job.
Report him to his workplace. Immediately.
Also find info online about the helpline you called, and email them about this call and all the details you shared here. Make sure you are emailing admin, not for help. Include the time you called and number you called from, and if possible the name of the person you spoke with.
Now two people need to be fired for being assholes who overstep the bounds of their position.
Report him. Unfortunately you got an abuser enabler on the hotline. She’s just as dangerous as he is, if you remember her name report her too
You’re not being creepy. The lady in the phone help line was human and that means she was as stupid as some humans can be. A young vulnerable person should not be in a relationship with a 40 year man who knew her as a client/patient from a mental health clinic. he’s creepy. Literally a predator. Let alone the abusive behaviors he has. That woman deserves to be reported. So does the man who is grooming barely legal mental health patients . I’m sorry you’re going through with this
Contact the medical board and ask them if it is an issue they will look into. BTW, they should look into it!
Gotta get someone on filming your mother’s response when she walks into the reception and sees nothing she planned.
You got to through the licensing board, not a general abuse line.
Oof. I wish you could message me that woman’s name and the number. That pisses me off.
You’re 100% in the right. I’m sorry you’re trying so hard to save your friend and just getting BS in return.
I don’t have any good advice but I hope other people give you some good answers. I just wanted you to know that you’re not doing anything wrong.
If this was in Australia, I would encourage you to report to AHPRA, as this conduct falls well below the expected standard of practice for any mental health nurse, psychologist or doctor. We have a national board for registration of all health professionals and this relationship has a significant power imbalance and vulnerability due to the professional context it began within – not to mention the age gap.
It’s unclear what his profession / scope of practice is, but I would report the conduct to the relevant licensing board, his employer or via whatever “working with vulnerable people” clearance / licence exists in your area, as he is not acting in a fit or proper manner.
Report their ass. Unethical.
This is UNREAL. I’m fuming at her. He absolutely needs to be reported.
The best course of action would be to report your concerns to the medical board that oversees him.
You don’t have to decide or prove whether his actions are unethical. You have concerns about the propriety of his sexual relationship with a recent patient; that’s straightforward and probably prohibited but rules and regulations vary by location. Just give them the facts as you know them and they can make their own determination. If his actions are found to be problematic they’ll deal with it. That’s their job. You’ll have done your part by bringing the situation to their attention and then it’s up to them.
Not appropriate at all friend could be his child and especially with the mental health provider background? HUGE red flag. No sane mental provider would ever even THINK about doing something so horrendous. REPORT, REPORT, REPORT
Contact the licensing board. Most health licensing boards have strict regulation against dating patients, whether current or former.
Immediately contact the licensing board for this individual. Then send an anonymous message that he is having a romantic relationship with one of his patients to his work. Send photos if you can get them of the two of them. Share her name with both. This is unethical. This is predatory. This is worth putting your friendship on the line to get this creep away from your friend and to prevent him from ever doing this again.
I PROMISE you that he’s done this before. I promise you there will colleagues that suspected this and will not be surprised. Your friend isn’t special. She’s just another one on this creeps list.
This is so horribly inappropriate of him. A man in his 49s dating a teenager is gross enough but he’s literally preying on a kid with mental health issues. I would report him to the licensing board or at minimum to his employer. He should not be allowed near vulnerable human beings.
Be prepared to possibly lose a friend over this though. If sh thinks she’s in love with him she won’t see reason anytime soon. You’re a good friend for looking out for her. Please report him. And shame on that lady that said not to destroy HIS life. He’s going to ruin your friends life. And probably someone else after that.
Absolutely contact the licensing board. The entire situation is inappropriate and gross.
Also, whoever was speaking with you on the phone is a terrible person. They need a different job where they don’t give advice to people.
Ok, now you have two people to report.
Creepy bf and creepy phone operator.
I assume the phone call was recorded from their end? You can ask for a supervisor to go over it and check the professional of that operator.
It’s still not OK, with a side of “help-line woman needs a different job”
Contact the supervising agency &/or licensing board for both of them.
Whether or not the victim in an abusive relationship feels abused is not a reasonable metric to decide “is this abuse” (with allowances made for consensual kink)
Doesn’t matter if the helpline was anonymous on both ends, despite being anonymous this helpline creep (and please note she is the creep and not you) there should be some kind of safeguarding protocol in place, meaning even if you don’t know her name, they should be able to trace back the time of call etc to work out who she is. She needs reporting, bad day on her end or not the ‘advice’ she was giving you is dangerous.
You absolutely need to report this man. He is a predator. He is in a position of trust, he has a duty of care to his patients, the fact a 43 yr old man is dating a 18yo is absolutely gross, the fact that she is vulnerable and was his patient makes it immoral, unethical and predatory.
If I were you, I would try and find out who his manager is and anonymously report him (letter or email), I’d also report to his regulatory body or medical authority as he should NOT have a nursing licence if this is his behaviour. It’s dangerous.
You are not a creep, u r being a good friend and likely saving many girls from him if you report him. She won’t be his first, and if unreported she wont be his last. Do the right thing, you are absolutely valid in ur concerns
Nope nope noooooope not okay. Under like, no context EVER would that be okay. That MF IS A PREDATOR!!!
Wow. Just. Wow. What on earth is that person doing working at a hotline that’s meant to actually help people?! What a load of victim blaming bullshit! And then to hang up on you?! Wtf?!
I am so sorry you had to deal with that person. She was very very wrong. That man, that predator, should absolutely be reported. “He might lose his job” yes, exactly, that’s the point! He should lose his job!
It’s too bad you don’t have the name of this woman too, she needs a new job, perhaps one that doesn’t involve interacting with humans.
There are some fake helplines out there from groups that are super anti-divorce (kind of like the pregenancy crisis clinics that are really non-medical facilities trying to talk women out of abortions). What was the line you called?
1st, you are doing the right thing. You have instincts for a reason. If you have a gut feeling about something, you need to figure out what’s going on.
I think you could get valuable information from the clinic she was treated at without implicating this guy necessarily. Reach out to them and ask if there is a policy on the books about people working at the clinic dating current or former clients. If there is a policy against it, you gave ethical grounds to report him.
Additionally, you should continue to support your friend. I would suggest telling her that you will be stepping back from the relationship. You can tell her you will be there if she needs help, but it’s not healthy for you to be around something you feel is wrong.
You should make sure she has a couple of ways to get in contact with you that can be traced or discovered by the boyfriend. As in, she may not be able to just text or email or call you if she needs you.
Does she have a relationship with her parents? If the couple thinks everything is on board, are they comfortable having everyone in their lives to know about it I doubt it. Even if he gets to meet the parents, when her parents start talking about all of the things them “old people” (he’s probably within 10 ye of her parents age) have in common, hopefully your friend will snap out of it.