Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/6KxM037F8H
Hi friends.
I couldn’t take the pressure of not talking at all, so I ended up reaching out to him. We had a conversation and talked about our insecurities, the fact that I’ll always want to do things on my own (and that I want him to do things on his own), and I thought we had sorted things out.
Then fast foward a few weeks, I mentioned again going on my trip and he absolutely lost it. Told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship where the other part was constantly doing things on their own (this was the 2nd time I traveled during the 5 years of our relationship). It turned into an endless discussion over me not wanting to waste my grandpa’s gift X him not wanting me to go anywhere.
He ended up giving me an ultimatum: either I’d stay with him or I’d travel. Mind you: this trip would be 8 days long.
I tried telling him how much I love him and how much I want to be with him, but I still want to enjoy things by myself, especially if the reason is that he can’t come. It didn’t work.
On july 2nd he broke up with me. He left my house at 7pm, and had deleted all of our pictures by 8am. He never contacted me again, ever, for any reason.
I went on the trip. It was great. I ended up meeting with some friends from home who were coincidentally at the same place.
I came back a week ago. I feel completely lost, guilty, lonely. I feel like I’m a bad person who hurt a good person. I think about messaging him to try to work out things at least once every 10 minutes. I feel so, so, so bad.
I don’t think he would ever get back together with me, so my sense of self preservation stops me from trying to reach out.
I’m writing this in my room, it’s 5 past midnight and I can’t stop crying. I don’t know what I’m gonna do next. I don’t think we’re compatible anymore, but he’s the person I spent basically my entire adult life with.
Anyway, just thought I’d share the update and maybe get some insights from you guys.
Sending everyone who commented on the first post lots of love.
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Better off without him. True lunatic.
There’s a saying that if someone’s reaction is above a 5 – it’s about something else altogether. The fact that he’s been with you for 5 years and can’t rationally talk through it tells ya all you need to know.
You didn’t hurt a good person. Good people don’t treat their partners the way he treats you.
Is there anyone in the world you have enough disdain for that you’d speak to them the way he speaks to you? Anyone you dislike enough to ghost them the way he ghosts you? Is there anyone whose opinion of you matters so little, that you can be selfish and rude to them and feel comfortable with that?
Would you speak to your grandfather the way the man you think loves you, speaks to you. Would you expect any of your friends to still want to be around you if you treated them the way he treats you? Or are you careful with your relationships because those people matter to you?
If he loved you, he wouldn’t be like this. He’s manipulative and controlling. He’s got you bamboozled. You miss the fake person you wish he was, not the real him.
Is this what you want to be doing in five years? Begging for crumbs from someone who treats you as disposable?
Be with someone who respects you.
So basically, he tried to pressure you into obedience (both the silent treatment and that ultimatum) and it didn’t work.
Also, I’m sorry, but YOU are the bad person who hurt a good person? He broke up with you because you didn’t obey his command. He ended a five year relationship over an eight day trip.
I know it hurts. It’s meant to hurt. It’ll get better. Try to meet with friends , so you’re not alone. Your thoughts will begin to spiral once you’re alone.
(also, there’s a good chance that he’d take you back if you “learned your lesson” if you really want to go back. Pretty sure it never really was about that trip. But about who holds power over whom. All that behaviour you described in your first post is emotional abuse aimed at you giving in and doing what he wants. If you’ll be obedient in the future and never again do something without his permission, there’s a good chance he’ll be satisfied. Problem is, you seem to be pretty strong willed..)
I’m sorry you’re feeling heartbroken, but you make the right decision.
Cry. Let yourself cry more. Watch movies that make you cry. Then reach out to friends and do in person things with them even if you don’t think you want to.
You’re probably going to feel like you don’t know what to do with your free time for a bit.
Take up a new hobby or two. Things your friends do are great starting points, but a sport, art (theatre group, choir), craft, community endeavour… Anything that gets you out of your nest and doing in person things with roughly the same group of people every week. Talk to everyone. Arrive early and leave late if you can so you can have those conversations. You will make more friends and it will give you something fun to fill the time with.
Spend time with your grandparents and parents. We don’t get enough time with them.
Congratulations on your graduation. You’re going to do amazing things.
You did the right thing. Don’t reach out to him anymore.
everyone’s already talking about how this guy sucks so I just want to say that I’ve cut out a LOT of deep and meaningful friendships(and sometimes things that were more) because of their toxic behavior but it still hurt every time. I still think of some of those old friends and I miss them, but I will never miss the ways they mistreated me. I miss the good times, and I miss what could have been if their issues hadn’t taken precedent over being a good person, and it still hurt all the same. someone once told me that breakups take half as long to get over as the relationship lasted and while that may not be exactly true, it has always helped me to cope by telling myself to take it one day at a time and knowing that one day time will help heal the wound leftover by their absence. you will meet people that will be excited to hear about your solo adventures, not threatened, and one day you’ll feel better, I promise.