Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/8Xn8IuJTGX
Thank you to everyone who reached out. I (27M) wasn’t expecting the response. It gave me some clarity. I wanted to give an update.
But first I also wanted to clarify something with my in-laws (59M/58F) that I was asked a lot. My wife (29F) and I opened our home because my in-laws were moving closer to us so they could see our daughter (4F) more and wanted a place to stay while they got everything in order.
Their stay ended up being a lot longer than expected, and I didn’t think my FIL would escalate to the point that he did. I didn’t realize the toll it’d take on my family. But my in-laws have since moved out. The issue isn’t my MIL, though. She has always been gracious. It’s just my FIL.
Onto the update. I had time to process and was in a better headspace to talk with my wife. Thankfully we found an opportunity when our daughter wasn’t home. I don’t want her exposed to our fights.
We were good at keeping her out of them until my in-laws stayed. She was exposed to us fighting then. It’s partly why I paused the convo/intimacy exercise after my wife’s confession because it was only leading to a fight. I want to cultivate a healthier environment for our daughter.
My wife said she was glad we were talking again and how she didn’t want to hide things anymore or have secrets from me. She asked where her confession about the affair left us.
I told her it left us nowhere good. I know I love her, I want our family, and I was committed to repairing our marriage. I thought we were making progress and healing, but I didn’t know the full extent of our wounds. The affair is brand new for me.
I’m not only struggling with the affair itself but also the coworker’s (19M) age. She sought out a 19-year-old kid. Idk how to reconcile. Me bringing up his age stung her. She said she’s not proud of it. She didn’t think of his age at the time. She was lonely, his attention felt good, and she craved it. She doesn’t think it was the coworker himself. I said it didn’t make a difference.
Idk I knew of this coworker before the affair, and I’ve seen him in passing. Around his hiring, I remember my wife told me she thought he had a crush on her and that he’d get shy around her. It was innocent. I never gave it another thought.
I told her I wanted to see their text history. She said she had deleted his contact and their texts, but she retrieved a backup from iCloud. It supported her account. The timeline added up to the night they were supposed to have sex. There weren’t any weird gaps.
Seeing those texts hurt like hell. Her indulging another guy in that way, the emotional intimacy and everything else. She checked out of our marriage and gave that kid a part of herself I was completely shut out of.
She said she’d do anything to get us back on track. That she’s committed to me and working on our marriage. She just wants to make everything right.
I said I didn’t know how to trust her. She lied, schemed, and had no plans to tell me the truth. She decided to withhold that privilege.
She said she was afraid she crossed a line we couldn’t come back from. She had made huge mistakes, and she wanted to fix everything. Prior to marriage, we had promised each other unconditional love. She was afraid she’d lose that from me. That her actions pushed that love out of orbit.
She asked if it was still possible for us to recover and keep rebuilding. I told her I couldn’t give her a definite answer anymore. I’m not sure if I can forgive the affair, but I’m willing to give reconciliation a try.
So we’re entering couples therapy. I can’t attempt reconciliation without it. There’s just too much to navigate on our own and the danger of us falling back into bad communication habits.
I want to be hopeful, but idk what to expect. Right now I just feel beat down and broken. Idk if anything would come of therapy, but my family means the world to me. I need to see if it can be saved.
Thank you again for everyone’s support and the resources shared. It’s much appreciated.
TL;DR Update for: Recently my wife and I hit a rough patch. We stopped communicating, fought often with no resolution, and intimacy went extinct. We’re working on reconnecting. My wife confessed to a near-physical affair with a coworker during our fallout. She said she was lonely, we were on opposite sides of the earth, and the guy showered her with attention and affection. She got a high from it. She eventually resolved to have sex with him but stopped because a family moment reminded her of what we had and our commitment. She said the coworker was the biggest mistake, and she’s fully committed to me. I only asked for space to process. Sometimes she respects my space request, and sometimes she doesn’t. She sends affirmation texts about her love and what our vows mean to her. I’m just still really numb. I’m at a complete loss. How do I move past this while continuing to work on my marriage?
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19 years old. How do you come back
I’m sorry, I can’t imagine what you’re going through. If it helps, I can mention a bit of what I know about affair therapy. Affair therapy only works if 1.) the one who cheated would put in the work to restore the trust and 2.) the one cheated on would do the work to trust in them again. It sounds hard, I know. But it’s possible. I wouldn’t blame you if you would find more peace in co-parenting though.
I dont think I couldve gone down this road to be honest.
All I will say is good luck and I hope that it works out for you. But she needs to support you and not her father from now on because it sounds like her father is the one who caused this to happen by damaging your relationship.
Op my opinion is this. Couples counseling is a waste of money at this point. She needs to enter individual counseling, and yourself. She need to understand how she could do this, and allow it to happen, without blaming you or what was happening in the marriage. You need to understand what you want and what healing looks like for you. You also need to know if there is more, because cheaters minimize. You should ask for a polygraph. Before any of this. Then you go into couples/marriage counseling after all of this is done.
She didn’t make “mistakes”. She made very intentional decisions to betray you.
“Around his hiring, I remember my wife told me she thought he had a crush on her and that he’d get shy around her. It was innocent. I never gave it another thought.” This insinuates to me she knew good and well about the age dynamics.
Hi OP. I think I commented on your first post.
If so, some of this is a repeat.
Go and join the community at r/asoneafterinfidelity. No other community can support you with the level of empathy you’ll get there from people dealing with exactly the same things you are.
There was more in the comment i left on your first post. Some good articles and posts for both you and her. Some more books to read. But most important is to join that sub. You’ll need a user flair to participate. Instructions for setting one are in the wiki there.
Its okay if you cant make it work. Your wide betrayed you with some young guy. She defiled your marriage. Its okay to realize maybe being good coparents and focusing on giving your daughter a stable life (she will internally absorb everything even the things your trying to hide, kids might not grasp why its happening, they will know something isnt right). You didnt fail anyone, your wife failed your family unit.
Don’t stay for the “sake of your daughter”. You will only be doing her a disservice if she has to grow up with two parents that don’t like each other and should not be together anymore.
Don’t think you can keep her from finding out either. Kids are smarter and more aware than adults give them credit for. She no doubt already knows that things are not “all good”.
I don’t understand how you want to try when your wife went after a teenager?! Wtf It’s disgusting behavior on her part and she chose to go after him knowing he had a crush. Is she keeping that job?
She also allowed her dad to test you like garbage. Does she truly want to do the work to fix everything or does she want you to hurry up and forgive her?
Updateme
Hi OP,
I wish you the best in whatever happens moving forwards. I would definitely mention that a clear and unbending boundary needs to be drawn with your FIL. Fuck him & the horse he rode in on.
It needs to be made clear to your wife there is no going back, there is just rebuilding something new.
You might never trust her ever again. Can you live with that? Can she live with that?
Now is not the time to bottle things up. Take MC as a chance to say the things that you need to say.
Whatever happens, forgive her, and forgive yourself. Let that anger go.
Why in the world would you want to stay married to someone who did this to you?
Did she at least got tested for STD’s afterwards?
An affair is her giving herself to someone else outside the marriage, not getting tested for STD’s afterwards is a clear sign that she no longer cared about you or at least your health. Keep in mind that no condom is 100% safe.
And how would she have reacted if the roles were reversed? Would she have given reconciliation a chance because the family means so much to her or does the family not mean as much to her as it does for you?
Has she agreed to support you against her dad? Has she talked to him about his behavior and the way he treated you in your home? Your wife didn’t just betray you with the affair. She is supposed to have your back, the two of you should always be a united front. To me, that also needs to be a key part in your reconciliation.
Updateme
do you actually want to come back?
Be careful about taking marriage advice from people who have never been married and don’t have kids. Your FIL is an asshole and needs to be put in his place when he’s in your house, regardless of how your wife feels about it. You can work that out in counseling if she has a problem with you standing up for yourself. As for his house, I don’t see why you need to visit someone who is rude to you.
Your wife went down a bad road but pulled back at the last minute. She told you, didn’t make you figure it out, and sounds like she’s been honest since then. This is all in her favor and yours. I know it sounds crazy, but 29 is still fairly young, when people make stupid mistakes, which she certainly did. For that matter, 27 is young too. But marriage is adult stuff, so you can’t treat it like some here are telling you to.
If you can never get over this, then you can’t, but it doesn’t have to destroy your marriage. You can save your family, but it’s going to take work from both of you. If you want your relationship to change, change yourself and the relationship will change around you. I’d start with FIL.
I forget if you said youre in individual therapy in the OP but i really recommend you do that too. Often the goal of a couples therapist is to keep the relationship from ending, not necessarily healing the individuals within that relationship. Something to consider when searching for the couples therapist as well. Updateme
That’s just delaying the inevitable. Be prepared in case another affair exposes itself.
Couples therapy? Brother you need to see a lawyer and get a divorce. How can you trust a snake like that? She isn’t your wife anymore she is your enemy.
I wish you well, but since you are sabotaging yourself, I hope you don’t come crying after being cuckolded again, her escape valve for problems is to sleep with young men and leave you with the problems, at no point did she want to save the marriage, then after the shit comes is when she becomes the best person in the world, I know because I’m sure that you will be unhappy with someone you don’t even trust anymore. But go ahead, good luck.
Your wife is a master manipulator. She fucked a teenager and now she’s trying to tell you anything and everything to manipulate you again so she can have her way.
I think you’re delaying the inevitable but good luck with couple’s therapy regardless.
Definitely you will never trust her again, even the smallest details about her anymore. You will see her differently, the woman you married backstabbed your whole family. She is willing to trade ur family for her own lusts. If you take her back, your life will be miserable because at the back of your head, you know when the rough times came, she will stray and cheats on you again. What stopping her from doing it, of course none because you take her back knowing your wife has weak morals and family values.
What you are not changing, you are choosing.
Goodluck OP, I know you deserve someone better who will not betray you even when the hard times comes instead be with your side and overcome it together. Life is too short to be with a cheater. Dont forget cheaters are always cheaters.
Move past this? Mate.. you are in a rough patch. You get a free pass to fuck someone else.
Unconditional love is for your children. Marriage aren’t supposed to be unconditional, that’s why you say your vows. Also what part of having an affair is loving your partner?
Eww 19. Get a divorce
Updateme
OP you may not want to hear this but she has to atone for what she did with actions. If you need counseling to help talk through it then by all means but if you want those movies of her and him to stop she has to pay a larger price than counseling. One option would be you taking a hall pass to let her feel what you’re feeling. Many people can’t do that and that’s fine. Beyond that she has to confess what she did to her family and yours if you want her to. If he is still a coworker she has to quit that job immediately and turn him in to Hr for his part in it. From there, anything she confesses to that she did to him or for him sexually she has to do for you as much as you want it whenever you want it. Her #1 goal is rebuilding trust but for you to be able to move past this a close #2 is she has to prove in capital letters that your above her AP in every way, but especially sexually because that’s how she cheated. Other smaller things see total and complete transparency to everything…location, phone and no social outings unless you’re along for a LONG time. No travel for work or girls nights. Finally, a post nuptial agreement with a cheating clause…if she cheats again you get all of the equity in the house, 80% of all bank accounts and you pay zero alimony even if she is unemployed. On the face that sounds like punishment, and it is, but it’s not just to be mean to her. It’s setting hard non negotiable requirements that all speak to repairing damage that SHE caused. It’s not because you want revenge but she has to feel at the end that cheating cost her so much that doing it again is beyond consideration. The post nuptial agreement alone would destroy her financially for years so cheating again would be ludicrous for her to even try. I wish you luck. Reconciliation can work but only if she is willing to humble herself, take action and understand that these conditions are not for 2 weeks or 2 months. It will be a year or more before trust can be rebuilt and SHE owns the work, not you. She does. Cheaters always say they will do anything but often don’t mean it. Counseling, crying and saying she is sorry won’t pay the bills that she has coming due. !updateme
So she allowed her father to put that distance between the two of you, and uses that distance as an excuse to cheat?
She is taking absolutely no accountability. Apologizing isn’t accountability.
This all started with her refusing to protect your marriage from her father
Updateme
Since you’ve made the decision to attempt reconciliation, I strongly suggest you head over to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and check it out. You’ll find a group of people who are walking the same difficult path that you’re on, and unlike most of Reddit, it’s very pro-reconciliation. You’ll find it to be a very supportive community who understand exactly what you’re going through. Just be sure to set a user flair should you decide to post there or you’ll get auto-modded.
Good luck to you and best wishes, I truly hope you’re successful in your journey.
You two promised each other unconditional love. And she was afraid she’d lose that from you…
Op, not trying to be a smart ass with my comments, but, didn’t she willingly give away her love for you to other man? Or was she still loving you while only with AP without any regards of what it would do to you?
Don’t be gaslight. And don’t be manipulated by her regrets. I think that naturally she doesn’t see a future with a kid of 19y. And she is in emergency mode trying to safe the reliability and secure environment that she had.
It’s not love, it’s survival instinct on her part. And you will get more hurt if you play along with her tune.
You’re an idiot for staying
You divorce her and move on.
Damn i hope you don’t regret this.
“She said she was afraid she crossed a line we couldn’t come back from.”
She fucked a teenager that wasn’t her husband. Imagine doing that and minimizing it to not being sure if “she crossed a line?”
She made a choice, she not only cheated on you but your daughter.
You need to take time and space to think about this logically. You really need to get space from your wife, she’s going to pull out all the stops to keep you in the marriage.
Trust is built in drops and lost in buckets.
In therapy you need to address your relationship with her father and her not standing up for you. That needs to change or you are allowed to say he’s not welcome in your home.
This is not just about the betrayal of the affair. She stood back and allowed you yo be disrespected in your own home by her father.
She has a lot of work to do to rebuild trust.
Your fil driving a wedge in between you two and she’s making excuses for him. Then because you are the odd one out in the family she seeks attention elsewhere, cheats and lies and covers it up. With someone that young. I am sorry you are going through this but I couldn’t do it.
dude, old habits die hard..she was willing to destroy you and had an affair with a teenager. I think its a waste of time.
youve been sternly warned.
Honestly the communication she is showing tells me there is hope for you to trust her again but it’s only time and actions and how you ultimately feel after some time of processing and counseling will tell. Don’t let anyone else dictate what you should do
She dates teenagers idk man
Well, you won’t know until you try. Good luck.