Dear Reddit.
I (44M) have been with my wife (42F) for 20 years, 2 kids 9 and 11, house, stable median income jobs, healthy relationship, good sex life etc.
A year ago my wife started acting strange, acting up on physical touch.
9 months ago she was caught flirting and being way to close with a common friend on vacation with his girlfriend seeing this as well. I sat us down talking this out, why she’s changing behavior etc. She gave her side to the story, said it was nothing, feels good to be appreciated, was really sorry for how it was portrayed etc. The talk felt ok and I put that behind me.
6 months ago we were cleaning out garbage and she showed me her old notebook from when we first met. A fun thing I thought but when she turned to a month after we officially were together there was a note that one of her ex/FWB had slept over. She quickly realized her mistake and closed the book. I later found out that she had met him +10 times at parties +3 other short term exes/FWB during more than a year in to our relationship. I also found another small notebook which was a huge mistake. I knew she had a diary (that is always off limits) but I didn’t expect to find this to be a part of a diary (3 months and up until she met me) where she stated how much and to great detail how she had sex and fell in love with quite a few men before me. I know two of these men and they are the typical fuckboys that boasted being with hundreds of girls already then.
So…
I asked before I read the notebook if she had met any other guys during our time together, she said no. But I already knew she had met up with another ex so that was a lie. After I read the notebook seeing all of this I confront her and she said she thought I meant sleeping with someone, thought she was open about party friends and it was nothing, only a friend group.
I have met the ex that slept over and she knew then how much I disliked him and STILL she did go out with him for more than a year, hiding it, going behind my back. I ask her about other things and find out that she omits things frequently…
I also found out that shes been seeing another ex several times 5 years in to our relationship. Additionally I found an old google drive with photos from a Thailand trip with her friend 4 years in to the relationship, +30% of the photos were with various boys (partys, dinner, nothing explicit). Imagine if I had done that and had +30% photos of different girls. I know that there would be a shitstorm, but for girls this seems to be ok? Yes, this is 15 years ago and its not valid anymore, but still…
In her defence…
She thinks our love has grown over the years and this must mean something. I agree and I really try to adapt my thinking because we do have a wonderful family and life. I’m sometimes thinking I’m silly, it can be just as she says, they were all party friends and nothing happened. We have a fantastic life, fantastic kids, shes a fantastic mother, why am I even thinking these thoughts…
But…
its hard to think of other men that she loved, all these temporary guys and leave it as unfinished business… and then meet them during our relationship or having them around as friends. It angers me so much that she fell in that trap with the fuckboys and that she liked it so much (I asked her about them and as I suspected they never wanted to be with her after the one night stands). I’m stuck in thinking why she chose me and why she had these parallel “relationships” +5 years in, the change in behavior this year and flirting/closeness to my friend lately and the lies… Thinking about what it is that makes her feel so passionate about others, what could I have done, what am I missing, has she had thoughts about leaving me… Can I live with her now openly flirting with a friend, old parallel relationships 5 years in, love declarations of fuckboys that I despise etc?
Update:
Now after a year I have gone to therapy, read some cognitive behaviour books and use the sleeping meds occasionally. Its going ok. But occasionally I cant get rid of the thoughts of why she was unfaithful.
Either she is oblivious and tells the truth or she really enjoyed fucking around and does her best to hide the truth from me. My gut feeling is that she was tired of being used and settled meanwhile always on the outlook for something better. I get that there is a hierarchy but I know my place in it and I wont be searching for something else destroying what I have. Or is it just so that men have to live with being under constant evaluation?
So many questions… whats my place in this relationship, why did she chose to stay with me, do I know who she is and can I trust her?
I hope you all can bear with me. Its great to have this forum where I can write some of my feelings. I would like to know how women think and act and would really appreciate the response from women.
Additional info:
Just to clarify, I have never been controlling or obsessive, I’ve never cared with whom she’s out with, told her what to do, told her how she does things etc. On the contrary encouraging her to go for her career, stepping up when she wanted the kids, house, activities etc. Regarding her other relationship exes I have no issues. We still hang out with two of them in our larger friend group.
The other day she asked if it was ok to join her newly single friend for a +40 club event (I read it as a +40 singles event). I hate myself for even considering saying no and that’s not an option, she can do what she wants. I cannot say this to her but in my gut I honestly cannot trust her. I would hate myself for being a person that needs to call her in the end of the evening or ask her home after the club. But the alternative of letting her stay the night, hotel etc with her friend on the hunt just doesnt feel good. To be added, her friend was living with her age 20-22 when we met and also had a promiscuous past to say the least. Its just so easy for her to bring home any guy she wants and that wasn’t on my radar before. But with everything I found out its just so hard not to believe it cant easily happen again.
This discussion means pushing her away and nagging wont help anyone in the long run so I try to keep these thoughts to myself. She admitted that she was hesitant the first years but she is very adamant she has not been physically cheating, but then there is the emotional part… For me there is one love for my partner, there is not different ones. But maybe women have different variants?
She thinks this hard on her, me judging her, and I need to find a way otherwise I will break us apart. Well yes, Im the one meeting therapists and taking sleeping pills in order to make the day and working on not judging her, giving energy etc.
Separating is easier said than done, the kids are at a really vulnerable age and she is a fantastic mother and partner. I just dont trust her when shes out anymore… what to do?
TLDR: My wife was flirting and I read her old notebook. I discover old parallel relations and feelings for others. Despite having a great family and relationship I feel miserable and question why she chose to be with me
Comments
Brutally honest, this marriage is over.
It can end with you setting boundaries that she will violate, or it will end with you initiating the divorce and leaving some semblance of your pride intact.
“She is a fantastic mother and partner”, yeah you read this type of language on here often. About how “oh yea she goes with her single friends to singles-adjacent events but gosh she is a great mom/dad/whatever”. This is bullshit. She is putting herself in front of the family unit and that includes the kids. She is effectively destroying the marriage, and her kid’s stable home. This is all defacto garbage parent behaviour.
Your kids can grow up watching you try to justify this shit, thus seriously cementing in their heads that being treated like this is normal – or they can grow up bounced between one healthy household and one unhealthy household. Pick your poison, neither is great, but I would argue one is worse than the other.
What are you teaching your kids by allowing this to happen?
They’re getting older and less naive.
What they see is what they become.
It won’t be as hidden as you think.
Part of parenting is creating good humans and partners for other people.
Cheating is never about the partner. It’s always about the perpetrator because it’s not due to lack of intimacy or anything in the relationship. People cheat and look for external validation because they want to feed their own ego.
She likes thinking that she can pull all these guys and she likes thinking that she lives rent free in their minds ; she keeps getting back in touch with them because she wants to still feel like she is desirable to them. She’s with you for comfort and she seeks outside validation because she’s a horrible person who doesn’t mind hurting others. She has absolutely no respect for you.
I’ve been married 20 years and my husband and I have had a lot of issues, but I have never even thought of cheating. It’s not hard to do.
She will be a fantastic single mother as well.
For starters ex FWB’s were not sleeping over and NOT getting laid. They got laid alright, with her. Meeting up with ex’s in secret only means one thing, sex. She had lots of sex with these men over at least the first 5 years of your relationship. I know what I would do in this situation, but you have to do you and make a decision.
I’m sorry man. Your serial cheater wife found the perfect doormat for her. You should paternity test your children. I hope you find your self esteem.
Dude, WTF did I just read?
In your own words- and has been cheating on you since day 1 of your relationship.
Yes, she is still seeing other dudes. She has never stopped.
So after catching her 6 months ago, things are further degrading rather than getting better and she is putting zero effort into empathizing with your feelings and making extra effort.
Honestly why would you even think of staying with this awful person? You must have very low self respect..
To answer one of your questions: she definitely enjoyed her fucking around phase and hiding it from you.
She chose you because you were willing to commit to her while the exciting guys wouldn’t. She settled for you and is still craving the excitement she felt from the other men.
That is why she is unfaithful to you now.
Hi Op, I‘m very sorry to be so blunt and brutal: you act completely like a „Beta male“.
No self esteem, no self respect no self dignity!!
What kind of a role model are you presenting to your kids?
Let me ask you one question, if one of your kids ask you like, „daddy my partner cheated on me during our relationship multiple times“ what would be your response?!
Darling don’t worry, forget and forgive I did the same with your mom. Look at me Im sooo happy and I never questioned your mom ?!?!?!
Seriously Op 🤨
It honestly sounds like you’re delaying the inevitable. Update us when you finally realize your wife is trash and you decide to put your self first.
Updateme
I ask this genuinely because this is the nth example of a woman in her early forties absolutely torching a seemingly decent relationship. is perimenopause and its resultant effects that destructive?
and yeah, your wife is on the outs with you. you need to kick her out.
Why don’t you do this. Plan a trip costs and everything to Thailand. Say I was invited by a friend of mine. He wants someone to tag along with him while he picks up women. Then see how she reacts to it. Because I can tell you, she likes being able to look down on you from her pedestal you put her on. Time to knock her off of it op. Stop being the nice guy, and say no I am uncomfortable with you even asking me to tag along to a singles event, after everything I found and we discussed. You don’t respect me at all. I don’t trust you anymore, and I honestly don’t feel like I know you anymore. So go if you want, as I am going on this trip. Maybe it is time I meet someone.
You don’t have to control her. Tell her she can do what ever she wants, like she always has. You can also be honest with her and tell her you don’t trust her. She has lied to you throughout your whole relationship. It’s justified that you shouldn’t trust her. What’s she going to do to regain your trust. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a relationship. It’s simple. If she wants to go to the singles party let her, she’s just trying to find happiness in her life, it’s just not with you. You can’t stop her from being herself. You can only control your own actions. My actions would be to leave and try to salvage the rest of my life.
Like… dude. I get you want to stay in the relationship by why are YOU the one doing the work? Shr is the one that needs to prove she is faithful and trustworthy. It’s not your feeling betrayed that will ruin the relationship, but her betrayal and not doing any of the work to gain your trust. This is 100% on her.
She’s been cheating for forever, dude. It was happening when you two started dating, and it’s still happening, and it will continue to happen forever. I don’t know what else to say.
Oh, I’m sure HER love has grown. Of course, that’s not saying much, as she has gone so far out of her way to prove to you that she has no respect for you or your relationship.