oh boy, we’re in for a ride. edit at bottom
hey y’all, thank you for all the perspective and care on my last post, i can tell this community really wants to save me from pain, and many of you had really articulate perspectives. the situation is a little complex still. there were two other accidents I didn’t mention in my original post on my profile (links aren’t allowed here)
so the “accidents.” 1) apparently rachel called him as he was driving home from work this week crying about a family emergency. he tried to talk her through it but he ended up meeting her at a cafe before he came back for dinner. I was concerned, and as soon as he walks in i saw lipstick on his collar. i was hesitant but like that’s damning evidence. he said “she hugged me, i didn’t realize”. sir you cannot be playing with my emotions like that. he was very transparent about their chat and had to believe him so i shrugged it off telling him he shouldn’t be seeing her after work hours.
2) spotify on desktop shows you what your friends are listening to, at work he was listening to a playlist named “Iterative Flow / Q2.”, it was collaborative and had only one other editor. it was mostly like 2014 chillstep… except one song, “I Feel Like I’m Drowning” which, if you’ve ever heard that song? go play it lol. we were driving he hands me his phone “Add anything you want to the Q2 list, you have good taste, needs more chaos.” feels like he’s playing the field.
after reflecting on this in the bath i had to bring all this up (I didn’t mention the reddit post). He was calm when i confronted him about emotionally cheating. i brought up the receipts and the screenshot and he admitted it was a little over the line. “you’re right to be concerned, i should have been clearer about boundaries from the start.” he wasn’t deflecting and he was apologetic that these things made me feel this way. he assured me he didn’t feel anything towards her, and i shouldn’t feel threatened just because she “knows how to get her way”.???. he suggested we all grab drinks together at trivia night so i could see their dynamic. i went to bed feeling like i’d been a little unfair but glad i brought it up.
so last night after reading all the comments, i met him at the bar, i was a bit wary but optimistic. He’s at a high-top with her and two other girl coworkers. they’re laughing, he sees me and introduces me to everyone as “my R&D funnel for creative problem solving”. Um. he orders drinks for us and gets her a seltzer before she asks. during trivia, they both slapped the bar at the exact same second when they knew the answer like they’ve rehearsed it. i wanted to drink every time she finished his sentences. Driving home, he says, “she just mirrors people really well. she reminds me of someone I knew” and didn’t tell me who that might be. is that praise or a confession? I press him saying I feel like he’s giving her way more attention than is reasonable and he needs to stop for everyone’s sake. Her crush on him shouldn’t get in the way of our relationship and his career. i ask him “isn’t this emotional cheating?” and he hesitated before saying “it’s not like that”
Y’ALL. he proceeded to open a note on his phone and passed it to me. he had documented EVERY interaction with Rachel for the past month with times, contexts, and images. it had her little emergencies, it had the screenshot of them together at the restaurant in it and call logs and other zoom call transcripts I didn’t know about. it was overwhelming and i barely skimmed it. He said she’s brilliant and manipulative, and that he needed a case before going to HR. “I was handling it and didn’t want to worry you with something I could manage.” He’s said he’s going to schedule a meeting with their boss to talk about what to do next.. i asked him if the dinner in chicago really was with a client and he said “Yes and no. We were celebrating landing an account with a client, but I also needed to ask her something I can’t tell you right now, you just have to trust me”. I honestly had a big sigh of relief that I didn’t have to be as tense about the whole thing but I am having trouble communicating the fact that they seem to need each other for whatever reason but I can’t let it go on like how he’s been doing. But I’m worried that if the boss will see it like he does because he went along with it.
Is there a good reason for why he didn’t include me in this? He never outright lied to me, but he definitely curated what I saw. He probably could have shut her down more, but I was looking for reasons to not break off the engagement. He’s the type to be in control, but sometimes I wonder if he likes the game a little too much. I think I’m going buy him that book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass
EDIT: Holy moly, you guys have really made me pick up on some inconsistencies.
About why I trust him- He’s always played chess while me and everyone else thought checkers, but his endgame has always been for our good. I trust that he always has us in his heart, and choosing to trust him gives me more peace than anxiety. Because he’s never full blown cheated, at least, that’s my confidence in him. Why haven’t he or I told her off? I’m not sure the situation calls for that entirely. Why the secrecy with me? He’s always worked to keep stress off me. He puts in his heart & soul every day to keep our household thriving, I am grateful that Love exists so we can share it together.
Comments
he’s not being transparent enough for me personally, especially regarding him asking her something that you can’t know about at the moment, but i’m hoping for the best regardless.
eta: he could’ve clued you in on how he’s trying to gather info on her to build a case way sooner than he did. he doesn’t communicate with you until he absolutely has to, it appears.
This still isn’t acceptable or a tenable situation because of his refusal to be 100% open and honest with you. This will not end well
well im going to need an update when he tells you the “something i cant tell you right now” lol
He’s being way too personal with this admin. And everyone knows it. I know lots of admins and there’s never any reason to be this personal with your boss. We don’t go out for drinks or dinners… I set them up for him to go to. Not only is your boyfriend crossing a line here but I definitely believe he’s lying to you.
Yeah… sorry, but why not stop it from the beginning?
Why take you somewhere where you feel like the outsider while they play cute couple. Sorry, I do not trust this game.
As a former HR Director: in your fiancé’s notes document, how many times did he note that he explicitly asked or told her to cease certain behaviors? As an example: when she called him for emotional support, he should have told her something like, “while I appreciate that you value my opinion/advice, calling to discuss a personal issue is not appropriate. This is something that cannot happen again.”
For someone who’s in management, he should know that he needs to have verbalized that Rachel needed to focus on work only and that her comments or behavior were inappropriate.
And his whole comment about asking her a question you can’t know about? C’mon… While it’s good you trust him, and it’s good he’s keeping record of Rachel’s machinations, it doesn’t seem as if he has the handle on it he thinks he does or has told you he does.
Good luck. And updateme!
Sorry what, he’s making notes of things and writing it down for HR but helped her get a promotion in the last post? I’m confused
He should have been more transparent from the beginning
I would still press him and say that yall are partners: you’re on his side. You’ve been getting the wrong idea because he’s been keeping you in the dark, and you wish he’s be more honest with what’s happening moving forward.
Girl idk. It seems you’re being super understanding while he is totally going along with things. Like he could draw harsher boundaries but isn’t. He could distance himself from her more but isn’t. Honestly I would put the whole engagement on pause. It seems like you’re intoxicated with love for him and are not looking at the situation with clear mind. Good luck.
This is 1000% not okay. You need to put your foot down and tell him to wrap it up. Turn in whatever notes he has to into HR and ask him for couples counseling. This is such a huge red flag.
While it seems like he’s being more transparent and is aware of her agenda, you still have every right to feel uncomfortable. The Chicago explanation is also troublesome.
Did you ask him to keep you updated? Did you ask him for a rough timeline; is this going to go on for weeks, months, or years?
There are so many ways that this could’ve gone and could go… is it exactly what he shared/said or did he sleep with her and is now trying to create a case to protect himself ??
I often say that trust earned over time; if this is the only red flag and he’s earned your trust, see this through. At this point your at a crossroads: you can insist he keeps you updated and trust him OR you can spiral and blow it all up.
At this point, it’s not clear with the best course of action is besides continue to be vigilant.
He’s only collecting evidence in case that assistant of his reports him to HR or she blackmails him in a way. Don’t fall for it 👀👀👀👀👀
Yeah there’s no reason he couldn’t clue you in considering you don’t even work at the office. He’s going to take it to HR that every time she was inappropriate he … caved? It should have never gotten to the point where there was lipstick on his collar or where he met her at a cafe outside of work , not for anything work related. He looks a bit guilty himself even if he is being honest with you. He went about it the wrong way and he needs to own up to that.
This seems shady as hell. Him keeping a log of all interactions feels more like a CYA in case HE gets accused of being inappropriate.
He’s a 31 year old man and a boss. He’s encouraging this behavior. I don’t think he’s cheating per se, but he has to like all this attention. He’s engaging in all that texting, making a playlist, spending time with her. If he thought she was crossing a line- he should just shut down all non work related interactions. And he’s supposed to be her mentor? Gross.
Now I don’t think this assistant is coming across great or professional, but you’re not in a relationship with her. And she has less power in their work relationship. He is her supervisor.
I don’t think this is break up worthy, but I would definitely ask him what he’s learned and what he’ll do again if this situation repeats. He sounds like a dumbass.
It’s like the “It was just the tip!” defense of emotional cheating.
Oh sweet girl. He’s playing the fuck out of you. What evidence does he have? He literally went along with EVERYTHING she’s done. He’s not a victim. His boss is going to see that they’ve been engaging in an emotional affair not that she’s perusing him and him turning her down. She’s no more to blame than he is.
Girl.
Sounds like he’s the one who’s sneaky and manipulative. Sounds to me like he’s been leading this girl on to believe he’s into her and now he’s decided to entrap her into overstepping.
Why not simply decline the expensive and intimate meal and emphasize boundaries with his mentee? Why repeatedly lie about the situation to his partner and manipulate everyone? Why did he not introduce OP as his girlfriend in an exclusively female group?
He sounds like a Father Phil (from The Sopranos), who hangs out with all the women, who’s into the whiff of sexuality that never goes anywhere, in order to feed his ego.
He likes having the girls fight over him.
Sounds to me like he’s been giving her reasons to continue this behavior in order to build a case against her, which is not a good look for him personally or professionally. He can present his evidence which can be used against him, especially if she was to be demoted or let go and she decides to sue.
There should be absolutely nothing “he can’t tell you at this time”. You don’t work with him, you aren’t in hr, you are his fiancé. He is lying about their relationship.
This is ridiculous and toxic. He is creating a case for HR that he is in himself. And dragging this out forever. He is cheating and an AH. He is her boss and he’s acting like he’s 19. He loves this crap. This is actually sick and creepy on his part. I’m sorry but dump this guy. This incident shows you his dark side and it’s not good.
I’m sorry, but it is extremely convenient that he had been noting every one of their interactions and is now all of a sudden saying he has been building a case for HR when last time it was brought up his reaction was to say you were overreacting. if he had been building the case wouldn’t that have been the time for him to open up to you about this?
Plus, if he is actively building a case to take to HR against this coworker, why is he still pushing to hang out outside of work with her? To me, it sounds like he knows he almost got caught cheating, and his solution is to gaslight you while tanking this girls career for the crime of reciprocating his flirting/actions.
Ask yourself, are you okay with him lying about his relationships with other women for the rest of your lives together? Would you be okay with him pulling actions like this in say 10 years, when you have kids? What will be your reaction when he starts flirting with your childrens teachers, or other moms, and then calls you crazy for noticing? Would you be okay with him telling you you’re crazy one day, then curating information to get you back onto his side for the rest of your lives? You deserve better than how he is treating you.
So he’s going to HR when he’s the one who’s inviting her to dinner, trivia, and going to comfort her when she’s crying? Lol ok let me know what HR says
Big sigh of relief? Girl you still have blinkers on.
Welp, if he is honest, he is not handling it well. This is not how you build a case for HR. If that is his intention he is making himself look bad. If it were to HR he should have been documenting how he sets boundaries and asks her to stop this behaviour. Also he absolutely can’t be preparing a case for HR and helping her get promoted at the same time. It would paint him in a very bad light.
I hope it works out for you, but his behaviour is shady as heck.
Updateme
OP, you do not have to believe him. He already admitted to lying to you, cultivating the truth to make it look less incriminating, and told you to your face that he’s still not telling you the full truth? Yeah, no. The way he is treating you is patronizing and disrespectful. Your instincts were dead on and he gaslit you the WHOLE time, but you still trust him? At the very least, you should reconsider and have a serious talk that the way he’s handled this situation was inappropriate for all involved and you need to go to therapy to see if he’s able to learn from this. He’s admitted to lying and covering things up. He’s telling you who he is. Believe him.
If there was nothing to hide he wouldn’t be acting this sketchy and weird about it. He’s full of shit.
He’s collecting evidence but does any of that evidence show that he has redirected her attempts in order to remain professional? To me this screams that BOTH of them are responsible for where this has landed them at this point in time. And hanging out after work especially around alcohol is not going to help his case either. While some men can be totally oblivious to social cues/flirting, but I think that after your initial concern, there should have been more effort on his part to shut this down.
If this were you in his shoes, how would he feel? My guess is he would be as uncomfortable as you are at this point in time.
Is this a work of fiction? There’s no way nor anyone I know would let him get away with having to ask her something but I can’t tell you what right now. Homeboy would be sleeping at his parents if he wants to play stupid games.
This man is playing you so bad. Is he really the person you want to spend your life with.
Probably keeping track of all their interactions so that when they present themselves as a couple, they have proof it was mutual, and he didn’t coerce her and abuse his power position. Something about this whole situation is fishy. Hello??? Lipstick on a collar – she’s marking her territory, and he’s letting her.
Man, this guy is good. You are being played. Do you actually need this type of drama in your life? It sounds very stressful
> I had to ask her something. I can’t tell you though. You need to trust me.
Yeah… right. Sounds like massive bs to me. He’s trying to come up with a solution to control the narrative.
Can’t imagine any scenario on where the co-worker that’s allegedly being inappropriate with you deserves information that your fiance doesn’t.
He didn’t only curate what you saw, he started to make you feel silly about being wary of her. Sounds manipulative.
So he finds her inappropriate and is creating a case to take to HR but at the same time continues to spend time with her outside of work and takes her to a fancy dinner, alone, to supposedly ask for her opinion on something to do with your relationship? So she’s both a problem and a confidant at the same time?
Yeah, there’s some bullshit going on here.
It seems like he’s playing as many games with her as she is with him. What’s he trying to prove to HR…that she’s harassing or fixated on him? Just trying to cover his ass in case SHE accuses HIM (and if so, why)? Or is it just his little tally of how obsessed she is with him for his own ego? And what’s the whole bullshit of “I needed to ask her something but I can’t tell you right now?!?!?” You’re his fiancee! What could the danger possibly be if he confides in you? Sounds more like he needs time to make up a plausible story.
Lies by omission are still lies. There’s so reason he shouldn’t have included you. And consider this: if she really was borderline-stalking him or whatever, did you see any signs of trauma or stress in him? Doesn’t sound like it. Yet another example of him being secretive and lying to you.
I think your guy said it best himself…..he likes the chaos. He’s playing a game with his assistant while he’s playing one with you. And he’s still playing with you by trickle truthing and hiding things. I wouldn’t be convinced about his innocence, faithfulness, or, quite frankly, his mental wellbeing. He could very well be pointing to her as the manipulator because you’ve caught on.
You’d be well served to take some time away from this circus. Move out. Stay with a friend. Something. This all just does not sound on the up and up. And he does not scream “victim” in the way he’s handling things; more like he’s an active player in the game.
Editing to add it sounds like they had an affair of some sort. He knows her drinks, she relies on him for emotional support, she’s really young. And then he convinces you that the song, the lipstick are “all her.” He is trying to create some distance through the promotion so he can keep you but also keep her on the hook. He’s collecting “evidence” on her in case she reports him. And you’re the unwitting (or just confused) partner who wants to believe him but probably shouldn’t.
He is still going out to drinks with her and encouraging her.
“I can’t tell you” is B.S. He can tell you, but he just doesn’t want to.
I would just tell him “I’m done with you hiding things from me. It is obvious you let this get way out of hand to the poont where it has impacted our relationship and poasibly your career and now you continue to hide things. I can’t be on this roller coaster. I don’t want to beba part of the lies and hiding. Contact me when you have dealt with the issue and we will see if we can repair things then, but for now, I don’t know what this is and all you have done is hide things from me, kept me awake at night, and make me hate myself all because you didn’t have the courage to stop this sooner or tell me about it.”
He’s playing you like a fiddle.
If he isn’t turning down her advances then how and why would she stop…? Seems like he likes the attention he’s getting from her and he’s trying to figure out a way to get you off his back so he’s telling you anything he can to do just that.
You’re not seeing the forest for the tree, I’m afraid. He is playing you. Period. He needs to cut off all communication with her if he’s serious about his relationship with you.
Reading this made me sweaty and anxious and I don’t even know you!
I’m getting very bad feelings about all of this. I really hope I’m wrong.
Something is not right at all, you need to start planning an exit strategy
Uhh, what case? lol. He met up with her multiple times , texted with her, answered her calls. No where has he told her to stop it. He’s playing you.
Sounds like he was just as bad as she was at the bar, he’s placing all blame on her while not telling her he’s bothered by it?
I feel like his documenting is more to cover his ass for you and not to bring a case against her for HR. I don’t believe for a hot second he’s planning on going to HR about her; he just wants you to think he is.
There is clearly a lack of transparency. As a manager, I would have involved HR from the beginning to protect myself.
So he’s either lying or managing this poorly.
Why is he having drinks with her at the bar if he’s building a case for HR . . . ?
This is really weird. All he has to do is shut down personal contact, keep it to work only and see about getting a new assistant without having her fired from the company. Hes being secretive with her, they have a dynamic thats not strictly professional and he is continuously defelcting. She needs to go.
More importantly though, Are you sure you want a marriage with this type of behavior? WIll this be the dynamic when he meets someone who is interested?
How is she the manipulative one when he’s playing an active part in all this? He can easily shut her down and say no. My guess is someone knows about them and he is planning on throwing her under the bus to HR instead of owning up to his role.
He’s playing and manipulating you.
Unless he’s asked her to stop, and those notes are full of her flirting while him telling her to stop, there is no HR case.
He’s simply keeping track of every detail of their relationship so he can bring them up to her later in a stunningly detailed sweet memory.
Source: ME. I did this EXACT thing when I started dating my current boyfriend.
I also had an ex who told me about this one girl I “didn’t need to worry about” as she had gone to HR on him over a comment he had made to her, so he “would never”.. then guess who was at his house the very fucking night i moved out. HR GIRL.
He didn’t even introduce you as his girlfriend dude……… that is such a BIG red flag……
I feel like he is laying the groundwork to throw her under the bus to save his own hide. He knows you’re onto him and crated this as a way to wiggle his way out of an emotional affair. Thats just the cynic in me though.
So he did nothing to stop her behaviors? Yea, HE is the great manipulator here
This is way over the line emotional cheating and you all know it. He doesn’t need HR to end all non-professional contact this second.
You are being beyond patient and I believe you have crossed the line into enablement. That bar trivia was what? Supposed to reassure you of their dynamic? So, having seen it, aren’t you now in the position to say “yeah, I saw it and was disgusting. Now break up with her already”?
I believe that whatever he says his game is, it’s time to hand back the ring as a token of how much your relationshisp is in jeopardy.
Tell him when he is done with his new work mistress and can prove to you he can be a committed monogamous partner, he can try to propose again.
I wouldn’t accept any excuse or push back. If he actually wants to marry you, at this point he should simply quit his job and, as a couple, you could work through the fallout.
BTW, his documented list of all their contacts reads more like a shrine to their new relationship. Does he save other moments of their relationship, too?
Also, there is abso-damn-lutely nothing he should be holding back from telling you immediately.
I don’t know, this still feels concerning to me. He didn’t introduce you as his partner, he hasn’t said that he’s told her not to contact him for personal reasons either. I don’t think he’s the brilliant puppet master that he seems to think he is in this situation. And if he does go to HR not having taken appropriate steps, he could actually be putting his own position in jeopardy as well.
!updateme
He’s saying both if you. She’s just ok with being his affair partner for now. Guys guy is an AH. I hope you dump him and get tested. Yikes
Updateme
I hope in 6 months to a year from now I see a post from your account about how you got out. ❤️ You don’t see it now, and thats ok. But I hope one day you will.
Seltzer w/alcohol or just water?? My mind went straight to water and she’s prego and he knows. That’s what he had to ask her. There is no reason, except legal, that he cannot tell you. He’s hiding, lying and staging. I am a manager. This is NOT how you go about this. Everyone who talked about HR not being able to do anything because there was evidence of encouragement is spot on.
Did he ever make it clear you were his fiance/partner when you were at trivia night? Honey, love has a foundation in respect, loyalty and trust. He has shown the exact opposite. Love has revealed and his priority and who he loves is himself.
“I can’t tell you right now, you just have to trust me.” 🚩🚩🚩🚩
My husband of 23 years has never said anything like that to me. There’s nothing he can’t tell me and this sounds shady AF. If it’s a work thing that you’re not involved in, why can’t you know?
I don’t like any of this. I wouldn’t be feeling as reassured as you do. I think I’d feel worse. None of this sounds innocent to me.
Op is being played so hard 💯 this man is a master manipulator lol the gaslighting is crazy
Why did he not introduce you as his girlfriend? He didn’t want to worry you and yet he knew the impression you had and still didn’t tell you? Girl this is sus. Updateme
I’m sorry but this sounds very suspicious. Something is definitely off, he’s lying. I don’t buy the whole ‘collecting notes for HR’ story. It’s a cover up for you, not HR. If he really was concerned about her he would’ve immediately gone to HR. This sounds more like emotional cheating, maybe even physical because they seem to know each other very well (she’s good at mirroring him yeah right….)
Protect yourself, get your ducks in a row OP. Also what if she moves to the LA office, does he visit her once a month? That’s even more opportunity to cheat. NO, just no OP, this all sounds shady. Somethings not right. Updateme.
OP
This is how he is behaving while engaged? Like showing his best?
RUN YOU’RE BEING PLAYED
Between the bar trivia behavior, the notes, the lying about the client dinner and the thing he needed to ask her that he can’t tell his WIFE, nah. This guy seems even more suspicious than he did in your first post. This reeks of trying to cover tracks.
It sounds like he is cheating. My exhusband used to tell me stories about women he worked with and he was really just a prolific serial cheater. You deserve better than this.
OP
I just read your first post. He promoted this woman shortly after she started working for him? He took her to fancy dinner? Her IG picks w them sitting cozy in a booth at a fancy restaurant?
OP please….
you are showing him he can get away with whatever he wants and that you are too trusting.
Damn – you really give this guy a ton of control over you, don’t you? Your edit reads like a moony-eyed Stepford Wife. Or a Duggar.
When you say things like, he does things for “our good”, he plays checkers while you play chess (THAT I do agree with), he’s working to keep stress off you, blah, blah, blah. That’s all part of the manipulation. Any chance this guy makes you smoothies every morning, because you sound drugged or brainwashed?!?
And why, oh why, would you ever think the assistant is the one who needs to be told off? FFS, she’s 24. She may be smart, but I doubt she’s some mastermind here. She sounds more like an overeager girl who’s in over her head. Your man is the one who’s engaging in some questionable behavior. Though I bet he’d love to see his two women squaring off over him.
Someone who says “I was handling it and didn’t want to worry you with something I could manage” isn’t a good partner. They’re controlling, secretive, and shady.
Look, you came to Reddit for advice. You’re getting it in spades. You told the story as you are experiencing it. Even as you extol the virtues of your fiance and paint devil ears on his assistant, people are overwhelmingly telling you that you are being played; that he’s manipulating you (and probably her); that something bad is happening here; that he sounds like the puppet master; and that you should not be putting your blind faith in this person.
You can either turn a blind eye and potentially marry a sociopath. Or you can take some space from him and look at him with as critical of an eye as you do her.
Updateme
Something’s fishy here.
Denialism: denying reality, one fact at a time.
Babe. All his accusations against her are confessions. He put that note together just to show you. He’s the sneaky one.
Oh honey, take off the rose-colored glasses. You don’t have the whole story. It’s an emotional affair and possibly more.
There’s no way I’d trust him to travel with her or to travel to where she is, on a regular basis. He’s playing you.
People don’t go out to bar trivia with someone they’re building a case against. They just don’t. Especially a boss & subordinate. Unless the boss is guilty of something involving their subordinate and is trying to keep the subordinate from going to HR or something like that. Like telling them that once the subordinate is equal to the boss and moved to their California office then they won’t have to hide their relationship anymore.
Dude is having an affair. Me and my partner (and any good partnership) doesn’t have secrets like this. There is no “I can’t tell you right now,” because you’re always in it together, bro. Kinda the point.
Not only are you being incredibly naive, you’re also feeding right into the misogynistic nonsense that he’s curated for you. Oh, it’s his young, flirty assistant’s fault? Oh gosh she’s just SOOOO manipulative oh geez he’s really at her mercy she’s such a manipulative bitch. Girl, fucking stop it. That is so goddamn gross. Your partner is in management. This is absolutely NOT how anyone in corporate management handles an employee being inappropriate. He’s set himself up to be in a million times more trouble by crossing every boundary, setting absolutely none with her, and then documenting all of it…you REALLY think that’s something he’s prepping for HR? Absolutely not. He’s prepped you a convenient little timeline to keep his story straight, and you’re just fawning so hard over him that you’ve allowed him to keep right on keeping on with his affair, only this time he knows he can be bold with it because you’re dumb enough to buy every single lie he’s selling. He didn’t even introduce you as his partner, and you didn’t even have the spine to correct him. He can do whatever he wants. He’s engineered this whole situation so he can get away with this affair, and you’re just letting it happen because “love will prevail in the end,” and because you’d rather believe that your partner is playing detective “building a case” than accept even for one single minute that he’s a womanizer who is abusing his position and has zero qualms about throwing his affair partner to the dogs if something goes wrong.
You’re being naive and you’re feeding right into his misogyny in a really disgusting way. Wake up.
If we believe his story, he is minimally entrapping her. If you are being sexually harassed, you don’t hide the fact you have a partner, buy the harasser drinks, learn her drinks, etc. People who are being harassed advertise they are in a relationship, make a fuss of their partner at work events, etc.
Look, you’re in denial.
Hire a PI. Explain what’s been going on and have them do some investigating for a couple weeks.
If it’s all above board great, it’s proven.
Ok so here’s a few things that don’t add up.
If the dinner to the fancy restaurant wasn’t actually with the client as he originally said, then who took the photo of them? A server? No reason to have a photo together if you’re there to talk about something serious.
If you’re taking someone somewhere to discuss something serious why such a fancy dinner place? Coffee shop would’ve done the trick.
If she’s making him uncomfortable then he shouldn’t be agreeing to go to a trivia night AND ordering her a seltzer before she even asks.
I hate to say this but perhaps he’s a master manipulator and taking you for a fool. I don’t generally like the idea of going through someone’s phone, but I feel like you aren’t getting the whole story here. Though he may be smart enough to delete everything that makes him look bad.
Honest question… when you type all that out… do you not connect the dots?
Bruh is cheating.
The second he didn’t introduce you as “my girlfriend”, I would have been introducing MYSELF to them all immediately as “his girlfriend”.
You get gaslighters and then you get this guy as the final boss 😂😂. WTF. It’s kinda hilarious that OP just fell for it.
“Nah babe I wasn’t cheating. I was playing along and recording evidence of every interaction to take it up with HR”
Sure Jan!
He’s the one that’s brilliant and manipulative. Open your eyes girl sheeesh
HR isn’t going to be buying his bs at all. He’s at the very least, fraternizing with a bunch of young girls, when they’re clearly his subordinates & more likely, already began an emotional affair with this girl. I’m highly doubting his entire story. Update us when you wake up or catch them in bed together.
Why the hell would he have maintained that so-called documentation, like he was setting her up? No mention of what he did to shut her down or guide her to more professional behavior? Since he clearly wants to keep her around, why would he have done this other than to try to retroactively seem like he was actually being a mentor and not a sad flirt? Come on. He’s a BS artist.
This is just too much info when it’s most convenient for him. But nothing you’ve described on his part sounds like he tried to discourage her. And why didn’t he introduce you as his “fiancée”?
Sorry. I don’t trust him.
My concern is that you REALLY want to be married, regardless of the red flags.
You want the wedding. The milestone. The fairy tale…
Are you willing to live in denial JUST to fulfill that childhood/story book dream?
He is pissing in your face and telling you that it is raining and you are lying to yourself.
You know that what he is saying isn’t true but you don’t have the courage to sort it out.
Wipe your arse of this disrespectful fool and move on with your life.
Choose better next time and always choose peace over drama. Life is too short !!
My god. Women will do anything but dump their lying, cheating boyfriends. This is WILD to me. OP stop twisting yourself into a pretzel believing his nonsense. All of his story telling is extremely convenient. When there was lipstick on his collar, I’d have handed him his ring back, read him the riot act, and dumped him.
Instead he’s got you trying to crack this case like Nancy Drew. Your self respect ain’t worth all this op.
There is no good reason why he did not include you in this. He is gaslighting you.
I think he’s full of it. I think he’s cheating or entertaining her and the notes are just in case it goes bad between them and she reports him to HR. It is not hard to not have anything to do with your co-worker outside of work.