Many asked for an update, so here is a small one for now.
When my husband got home from work today, he did have me recover the messages for evidence should it be needed. I screenshotted the message with time stamps, and each of the photos. In the photos, I scribbled over her (not so) private areas as well. After that, I sent the images to my phone and once again deleted the messages from his phone, both in his mother’s texts and mine (per husbands request.) This was something that several people suggested in the comments of my previous post, and believe me, we were on the same page before I even read them.
My husband and I are also regulars in therapy. Both individual and couples counseling. When we got married, we agreed that doing counseling from the get go was a good idea. Not because we have problems in our marriage, but it gives us the tools to confront issues in the future and keeps us on the same page 100% of the time. That being said, I asked my husband if he’d ever mentioned his mother’s “sexualness” in his own therapy and he said no. Since it is how she’s always been raised, he saw it as “mostly” normal. I suggested that this should most definitely be brought up at his next session, and he agreed. I also asked if there was anything that has happened that was a bit overboard in the past. Outside of conversation, he said that his mother’s would often come home from work with new lingerie, and she would put it on and wear it around the house for the rest of the night as if they were regular clothes. When she would do this, he would either stay in his room, or go to a friends house because it made him uncomfortable.
Several people asked why there hasn’t been a conversation about her talking about uncomfortable topics. There has been. When my husband and I were dating (both of us minors), she would talk to my husband about our sex life explicitly. Some of the questions she’s asked him are if he likes girls who are “clean shaven”, if him and I were using lube, if I preferred ribbed condoms, if we had tried certain positions, even if I preferred stimulation via clitoris or g-spot. When she would ask these things, my husband simply wouldn’t answer with more than “I don’t know”, but eventually he did tell her to stop. He told her that he didn’t want to talk about these things with her, that he knew I wouldn’t want her talking about those things with her, and that her asking this stuff made him extremely uncomfortable. Her response was to get defensive and act as if she’d been disrespected. She would say that sex was normal, that she should be able to have these conversations with her son, she even accused him of shaming her sexuality. So, he went back to ignoring the questions all together.
Some suggested that we have an in person conversation with her about this happening. Not only do we live far away, but we aren’t ready for a conversation about it, and we especially aren’t ready to discuss it in person. This happened YESTERDAY afternoon. And it will honestly be a very long time before any sort of communication happens with her at all.
I did find out what she’d been telling family. She’s telling them that she asked IF her son supported her. Not if he would subscribe and share her content. That is why family has been reaching out and asking why we’ve blocked her for asking that. We will be telling family exactly what happened, but we aren’t quite ready to do so yet and that will come within the next few days. We’re still processing all of what’s going on.
My husband has a therapy session tomorrow, and we have one together the next day. We will likely wait to talk about this with family until after our sessions. That way we can get our ducks in a row a bit more, and we are even considering legal action. Again, that is something we will bring up with our therapists before continuing. That is the main reason we took screenshot evidence.
For those curious, yes. MIL is young. She had my husband at 16-17, and we got married young as well. Very common among my family, and in the field of work he is in. And that field of work is the military. So, him sharing his mother’s content would heavily affect him. Not just a firing, that would give him a SHARP (sexual harassment/assault response and prevention) case, and a possible dishonorable discharge which would make it extremely difficult to go on after the military.
That’s all I have for an update right now, but trust that there will be another. Thanks so much for all of the advice and support I received on my last post. I seriously gained such good info from the comments and it’s been really helpful.
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Thanks for sharing an update.
This whole situation is traumatic, hope after your sessions you know how to navigate this disturbing situation.
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Updateme
This is so… I have no words for it. Fucked up? what she did was sexual harassment. Sending pornografic content without consent. Not to mentioned the whole childhood…
There is something like being sex positive and then there is harassment. And his mother definitely crossed the line over and over again.
Yikes
good job setting real boundaries and taking action. i’m so glad to hear you’re both in all the therapy. it sounds like you’re making all the right moves. best of luck!
I missed the original post but I’m getting the overall vibe… so weird my MIL is and was this way too. We also been together since very young now adults. I just chalked it up to she’s just like this and not many other mothers are this way 😂
This is disturbing on a whole other level. I don’t even really have words.
You are both handling this incredibly well and admirably.
Oh God, I thought my family was bad. My sisters are inappropriately open about their sex lives, and get upset that I’m not the same (I’m their brother btw), but even they would have the decency not to send me their only fans. In fact, I never even considered the fact that one of my sisters probably has an OF that I don’t know about. And I hope to never consider that again.
I know after reading the other post that she is just inappropriately open in general, honestly at a similar level to my sisters, but is there any reason that she has ramped it up? Is she struggling with money or something? I’m just trying to understand the very clear escalation out of nowhere.
Updateme
I saw your original post but didn’t get a chance to comment. My husbands mom did some shady shit with him when he was younger. She was young when she had him and divorced his dad when he was an infant and then kept him away from his dad until we got married and had a kid and I wanted to meet his paternal side of the family. When we met him, we found out that she had purposely kept his dad from him his whole life and lied about it.
But she would wear lingerie and then have my husband take photos of her, this was when he was young and into his early teen years. He didn’t even realize it until years later, but she had sent those photos to his dad to try and get back with him, when he was married and had another young son.
It is crazy the things people think are ok to do to their children, but this situation is utterly appalling. I am so sorry that you guys are having to go through this. I can’t even imagine. I’m really thankful that you both have good therapists and can get some healing from this.
FFS! Your poor husband. I hope once your husband is able he lets the family know just how much “support” she wants and why he’s going to go NC with her.
Oh man, I can imagine how much this has probably affected him. Hope you can resolve it soon.
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Military here that would not get him a dishonorable discharge. If he was asking other service members if they wanted his mother’s content, it would be really weird and would probably get him counseled and maybe an Article 15 hearing. But if he’s just blindly sharing her content with people, then yeah, he’d catch a sharp case. It would only get him in serious legal trouble if he was sharing her photos without her consent. The only way a service member can receive a dishonorable discharge is if they were to go to a General Court-Martial (GCM). Most cases do not make it to a GCM, they are typically handled at a lesser court martial such as Summary Court-Martial, Special Court Martial, or Judge alone Court-Martial. In any case, Courts-martial are extremely expensive to convene and are last resort avenues for handling misconduct.
Updateme
Looking forward to next update. This is the craziest shit I’ve read today.
You sound awesome and mature and loving and I feel like you and your husband stand together well. I wish you the best and, well… I’ll be following for the next update.
This lady is a sounds like a sexual predator for all that underage shit
The most disturbing part is that she sent it to her son only and not her daughters. That implies something more is going on than she is just comfortable with her sexuality.
What you’ve described happened to your husband as a minor is sexual abuse. Your MIL sexually abused your husband.
What the fuck kind of prompt could you even put into ChatGPT to get it to make this?
Updateme
This isn’t how being “sex positive” works. She’s literally weaponized her sexuality and exhibitionism against her own kids. Forcing them to have these conversations and forcing them to see her in this light constantly is flat out sexual abuse.
I’m so glad that you’re keeping screenshots of the texts and pics. They will, unfortunately, probably be useful later.
But your MIL having your husband so young is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. I grew up in a naked house. I had my daughter when I was 17. And I find her behavior beyond disgusting.
This situation is extremely concerning. I empathize with you and your husband. Your mother-in-law’s actions have clearly crossed a boundary and disrespected you both. UpdateMe
Updateme
Eww this is just plain nasty and abusive. Your MIL is NOT a sex positive person, she’s a sexual predator. She oversexualized her children and exposed them to porn.
Someone can be evolved and sex positive, without asking graphic sexual questions to minors about their sexual preferances and going into detail about what gets them off.
I would go complete NC with her and tell all the other family members the reason you are.
Edit: Imagine instead that this was your FIL and he had done all of these sexual things to his children and you. You instantly thought pervert and sexual predator right?
This is what she is.
Updateme
The fact that she chose to lie about what she sent shows that she knows she fucked up, but she still won’t take responsibility for the fact that other people are DEFINITELY uncomfortable with her open sexuality. Just because she’s ok and open with her sexual activities, does NOT give her consent to put others in the same position to have to listen to and be a part of her “sex positive” lifestyle.
She might also have issues unknown to you both.
Updateme
Her behavior is known as covert incest. Look it up with your husband.
Sex positive doesn’t mean sexual predator. She has issues.
Wow. I’m so sorry for you both, but especially your husband. I just want to give him a hug. My mother was a bit like this with a brother of mine (lingerie, touching, thankfully she died before the internet!) and he is not well at all as an adult. Kudos to your husband for being in therapy and being an upstanding man despite his upbringing.
It’s called covert incest. I bet someone else has told you this already. I hope this resolves to the best for you and your husband.
Updateme
Updateme
This isn’t “sexual openness.” She sexually groomed her children and escalated with reactive abuse—conditioning them by portraying herself victimized by their reactions—if they set the most basic of boundaries.
Best of luck with your current approach. One thing I think you should consider that I didn’t see mentioned (beyond what would happen to his psyche if he saw the pics himself or his job/reputation if he shared the pics): She did it with disregard for where and in what situation he would have been in while opening the images. The effects on his job could have been instantaneous if he was at work. He could have been charged with a sexual crime himself and sent to prison if some kid saw him open it at the grocery store, etc.
This woman is sick. Sorry you’re both having to deal with this.
updateme
Your husband was subjected to sexual harassment since before you were together, and it sounds like possible grooming.
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Yikes 😬 update me. Good luck!
ooh wow i just read a reddit profile yesterday where a guy is actively going thru a divorce bc of his emotionally incestuous mother who also emailed her son nudes, like he posted his therapy realizations about his mom perceiving him as a “sonsband”
My boyfriend’s mom would absolutely do this shit. I 100% believe the OP. I’ve seen her grab her own (30sM) son’s ass and kiss him on the lips. Not sure why some women want a Sonsband so bad but damn do they exist.
Updateme
So I use to do sex education and sold sex toys for years and M extremely sex positive. However part of that 101 basically is respectful boundaries and using proper terms and one of the biggest ethical conditions is no one under age 28, whatsoever for whatever reason. When my little sister was 17, I wouldn’t sell her things, altho was available to have age appropriate sister to sister conversations with he, as a sister but never to any of her friends. I can’t even begin to understand any of her behavior and it worries me that she thinks she is cognitively healthy enough to be an educator while she is behaving like this as well. There’s something serious and deeply concerning and wrong here. NC is a must
Updateme
Updateme
Please update!!!
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Was OPs husband a product of SA? It seems like the mother was a victim herself and she is behaving in such an overt manner that one could conclude she was a victim of SA as a child/minor and she is just repeating the terrible cycle.
The mother needs serious intensive therapy.
Somedays I curse myself as to why I can read
The fact that your MIL is telling family members a different version of events shows that she does understand that what she texted your husband is wrong.
Updateme
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Wow, this is such a heavy situation I’m really glad you and your husband are in therapy and handling this with care and boundaries. That kind of behavior from a parent is absolutely not okay, and it’s good to see you both prioritizing your mental health and protecting yourselves. Wishing you both strength as you navigate this.
Covert incest. Was that on anyone’s reddit bingo?
But bad jokes aside. Please be gentle with your husband. It’s very easy to mistake abuse for normal. When you really don’t have any other examples and you really don’t know any better.
I can look back at things that my parents did. That took advantage of our relationship to fulfill my parents needs.
Both of them and their own way. Had a filled that role for their parents. And they continued the cycle.
And I can like to consider myself first generation trauma cycle breaker.
But still every now and then I will see something to my husband not realizing that it was horrible abusive. I’m in my 40s and every now and then something clicks in a way and I’m like. Oh crap. That was so wrong.
Updateme
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This is some fucked up reverse Oedipus pedo shit so fucking gross
So not only is she a sex fiend, she’s a narcissist.
Updateme
This is so wrong.
His mother is using the idea of normalizing nudity to gaslight and sexually abuse her son with her explicit sexuality.
They are very different.
An example of Normalised nudity is changing after work bc some clothing is uncomfortable.
Sexuality is an action or inaction even words in which the person find pleasure.
Honestllh I was horrrified at your first post thinking how disgusting MIL was.
But thinking about if MIL seems over sexualised which indicates some type of abuse in her past. She was a young mother was it consensual? Was she groomed? Etc. I have questions I doubt anyone would know the awnswr to.
The answer do not change anything. She is NOT a safe person for your husband to be around. And she’s not safe for any potential children you have.
She needs therapy. But a lot of broken people do not have the courage to fix themselves in therapy.
Also even with therapy she still is not safer for your husband or your kids. Nothing will ever change that.
I’m sorry for your husband and I’m sorry for his mother.
This is borderline incestuous and definitely abusive. The way she traumatized those kids, and then her lie to family? Like first she had to know how bad it was to feel the need to lie, but then to have balls to still reach out for their support to shame the kids? Knowing she’s wrong but not wanting to be accountable but also wanting to be supported and attack them too???
What the fuck is wrong with this psycho
The fact she only sent it to your husband gives me emotional incest and enmeshment vibes. You can be open with your kids about sex without being whatever this is. Claiming she wants him to share her OF for raising her numbers but only sends it to him. It’s just super gross. I’m damn near speechless. I can’t even give a coherent thought.
Daaaaaaaphuuuuuuck 😳😳😳😳😳
I hope your husband’s therapist can help him work out the link between his work deeming the sharing of this stuff as sexual harassment and assault with what has happened to him since he was a kid. This is awful I’m so sorry for you guys.
Updateme please
Why not give us the OF link so we can join?
I dated someone whose mom was open about sex and sexuallity. It can seem cool when you’re young and horny but eventually, it can become creepy.
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So. He was sexually abused as a teenager. This isn’t sex positivity, it’s attempted seduction of an underage child
Good luck, OP. I’m so sorry that you and your husband has to deal with this
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Updateme.
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