Hi Guys, here is the update to my crazy donor situation.
First of all, thanks a lot for your ideas. One of the commenters suggested that I write it down and I did. That was brilliant: i am really struggling to communicate my thoughts when I am nervous and speaking. I gathered all of your points/suggestions and sent this message:
“Hi, mom. I talked to my doctor and reviewed/researched the topic of the donation. I will not be doing that (I do not qualify for this anyways). I also find it quite inconsiderate to ask me for that after my experience last year. I as well very disappointed that you did not give a second thought on how it will influence me, my mental health and the dynamic of the relationships in our family.
Regarding your pregnancy, it is fully your decision but i would like your to consider the following points:
-> I am worried how it will affect your health (pregnancy is complicated and dangerous experience given your condition. Even the best doctors wont be able to help in certain situations)
-> [little bro’s name] is still way too young and still needs you a lot. It is irresponsible towards him
-> pregnancy in 60s has high chances of abnormality. It is irresponsible towards this hypothetical child
-> even if it all works out, I am afraid you wont be able to provide necessary care to this child esp in his teens/young adulthood
-> you will have to do childcare alone (we both know your hb won’t help) and you just started to do the self-care you needed. Additional stress and work is not what you need at this stage in your life – you should be enjoying your retirement.
I really hope you will look into this before you decide to proceed.”
I was left on read for some time (tbh I kind of thought it is NC time again).
Then she answered. SHE APOLOGISED (!) and she SAID I WAS RIGHT (!!) and that she didnt want to offend me. The only thing she claimed I am wrong about: she will stay very active in her 80s and that it is more a psychological barrier people have (sure, mum 😒, not physical at all).
I answered “sure, I hope you stay active until your 100s”. And that was it.
I am still shocked that it went so smoothly. I know it doesn’t sound very exciting for you but in my eyes that this is giant: my mum never apologizes. I guess she actually did not want it as well (or maybe stroke after last round of ivf was scary enough? idk). A compulsory question in the end: any thoughts?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
That’s a pretty reasonable result after top tier delulu ballet from op’s mum
I am absolutely delighted! This is the best possible outcome. It sounds like she was/is struggling mentally a bit (a lot!) and had clung on to this delusion both about getting pregnant and how easy it would be for you to donate an egg, and your message finally snapped her out of it. Fingers crossed that’s the end of it now and she’s not going off buying donor embryos and things.
Super happy for you to have had this win with your mom. I’ve a hard-to-understand dynamic with mine and similarly things others might overlook can feel momentous to me, can imagine how big this is and well done to you for speaking up assertively!!
I just gotta say, any DR doing IVF on a 60 year old woman should lose their license.
I’m a skeptic, so to me this seems a little too easy, but for now I would take it at face value unless she pulls some other crazy. I can’t fathom any reasonably ethical doctor implanting a 60 year old woman. I can’t even believe they tried it with her frozen eggs, that’s crazy and sounds like a cash grab by a shady fertility operation.
Unfortunately your mom has no idea what her life will look like when she’s in her 80’s. She has no guarantee that she will even live that long.
My mom is 64. Up until the last 6 months she was VERY active. She was always busy doing “this” or “that”. However, she recently had a fall and found out that she has a hereditary condition that would likely require hip replacement surgery at some point. During recovery she has been using a walker.
My mom would LOVE to continue going on the several miles walks with me, but even after recovery from the fall….and if she chose to do the surgery….she likely won’t be able to do that anymore.
If your mom had another kid…………she can’t hit the reset button. She’s locked in for the next 18 years, at least. She would be chasing a rug rat around, doing a lot more chores, etc. Your mom can’t say that she can do that just as well in her 70’s and 80’s as opposed to her 30’s.