Hi guys,
I really do apologize for the late update
I really did not expect my post to get that many replies but but im so grateful for all the advice you guys gave me, thank you. When i wrote that first post, i was all emotional and depressed, so reading it now, even I can sense the “oh poor me” tone in it. January Me was probably expecting lots of sympathy or whatever but you guys were HARSH and tbh i needed to hear that! You guys are completely right, while what my family did was evil and wrong, my life is in my hands and it’s my fault for not stepping up for myself (and my partner) sooner. I can’t keep expecting things to be done for me.
I wanted to make this post to clarify some things and update you about what has happened since January. It may not be the most satisfying update, but I at least have changed a lot since then.
First of all, i am still in contact with my partner! I don’t blame you for assuming otherwise since that post was uploaded months later, so it was pretty confusing. When my family did the whole thing of making me block him everywhere and take my devices, and basically threatened me to not talk to him…. that lasted like maybe 3 days. It was in the middle of the night, i was crying hard bc i missed him but also bc im here, alone, extremely heartbroken just wishing someone would hold me and show some sort of real care towards me and what im going through and i realized wow my family really doesn’t give a fuck about me. Like at least check up on me? When they would, it was more of a “just making sure you know your place” type of checking up. So i reached out to him and told him everything.
There was a lot of “I told you so” from him and i really do give him a lot of credit for putting up with my bullshit. My entire life, i was “trained like a monkey” (as one of the comments said) to be obedient for literally minimal reward, and i thought if i was just gentle with my approach and still did everything they wanted from me, i would get what i wanted in the end because i earned it, right? No. And this is NOT a unique experience unfortunately, this is so common with people in manyy cultures because parents for some reason believe they are entitled to make choices for their ADULT children.
My partner was understanding and helped me finally see that the environment I’m living in is toxic and abusive. And no amount of obedience and kindness is going to make them respect me. I’ve been getting therapy for months now, and [shocker] it realllyyyy helps. I would always question what i did wrong and how i can approach them differently to get different results, i would always question why my sister would betray me like that, I would always question why my father would tell me i “deserve to be hurt” – and so many other questions but I’ve let go of caring for any sort of answer now. I’ve let go of the idea that i need any approval from them, I’ve let go of ever having a civil conversation with them, I’ve let go of any expectations.
I still live with them unfortunately. I don’t talk with my dad and I don’t talk with my sister. i keep things cordial with my mom but i don’t trust confiding in her anymore because at the end of the day she feels the need to side with her husband. Her 60-year-old man-child of a husband that’s been verbally abusing her for years now and throwing tantrums anytime things don’t go his way but instead of making him aware of himself, my sister and mom just choose to give him what he wants no matter who it hurts. I still have two years of education with no income and i need this degree in my career so it wouldn’t make sense to drop out temporarily. But I’m working on trying to find something on the side to depend on, and move out as soon as i can.
To everyone saying he should leave me, i agree, any man would’ve. Good thing he’s an angel.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hi guys,
I really do apologize for the late update
I really did not expect my post to get that many replies but but im so grateful for all the advice you guys gave me, thank you. When i wrote that first post, i was all emotional and depressed, so reading it now, even I can sense the “oh poor me” tone in it. January Me was probably expecting lots of sympathy or whatever but you guys were HARSH and tbh i needed to hear that! You guys are completely right, while what my family did was evil and wrong, my life is in my hands and it’s my fault for not stepping up for myself (and my partner) sooner. I can’t keep expecting things to be done for me.
I wanted to make this post to clarify some things and update you about what has happened since January. It may not be the most satisfying update, but I at least have changed a lot since then.
First of all, i am still in contact with my partner! I don’t blame you for assuming otherwise since that post was uploaded months later, so it was pretty confusing. When my family did the whole thing of making me block him everywhere and take my devices, and basically threatened me to not talk to him…. that lasted like maybe 3 days. It was in the middle of the night, i was crying hard bc i missed him but also bc im here, alone, extremely heartbroken just wishing someone would hold me and show some sort of real care towards me and what im going through and i realized wow my family really doesn’t give a fuck about me. Like at least check up on me? When they would, it was more of a “just making sure you know your place” type of checking up. So i reached out to him and told him everything.
There was a lot of “I told you so” from him and i really do give him a lot of credit for putting up with my bullshit. My entire life, i was “trained like a monkey” (as one of the comments said) to be obedient for literally minimal reward, and i thought if i was just gentle with my approach and still did everything they wanted from me, i would get what i wanted in the end because i earned it, right? No. And this is NOT a unique experience unfortunately, this is so common with people in manyy cultures because parents for some reason believe they are entitled to make choices for their ADULT children.
My partner was understanding and helped me finally see that the environment I’m living in is toxic and abusive. And no amount of obedience and kindness is going to make them respect me. I’ve been getting therapy for months now, and [shocker] it realllyyyy helps. I would always question what i did wrong and how i can approach them differently to get different results, i would always question why my sister would betray me like that, I would always question why my father would tell me i “deserve to be hurt” – and so many other questions but I’ve let go of caring for any sort of answer now. I’ve let go of the idea that i need any approval from them, I’ve let go of ever having a civil conversation with them, I’ve let go of any expectations.
I still live with them unfortunately. I don’t talk with my dad and I don’t talk with my sister. i keep things cordial with my mom but i don’t trust confiding in her anymore because at the end of the day she feels the need to side with her husband. Her 60-year-old man-child of a husband that’s been verbally abusing her for years now and throwing tantrums anytime things don’t go his way but instead of making him aware of himself, my sister and mom just choose to give him what he wants no matter who it hurts. I still have two years of education with no income and i need this degree in my career so it wouldn’t make sense to drop out temporarily. But I’m working on trying to find something on the side to depend on, and move out as soon as i can.
To everyone saying he should leave me, i agree, any man would’ve. Good thing he’s an angel.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I’m glad you’ve reconnected with your partner. It seems as though he is the only one out of the people you mentioned who’s genuinely concerned with your health and care compared to your family who only seem focused on reputation and what you being in an interracial relationship will look like to others.
You still need to move away from your parents as soon as possible. I doubt you’ve heard the last of this….
The boyfriend doesn’t deserve ops bullshit
You need to move the hell out now! Find a friend, roommate or your love! I am shocked he is even putting up with you at this point. You are a grown ass woman, act like it! You are capable of finding a job and school. Idk what your race is, but this is 2025, not 1950! I myself am black, white and Native American so I get it. Trust, I get it! SMH 🤦🏻‍♀️ you are better than this!
Disappointed to read you reconnected with him tbh. I really hoped he had finally gotten free of you.
Whatever your issues with your family you never once stood up for him and he is worth more than you.
You and your batshit family. Hopefully he sees sense.
Can you not move out?
I don’t get why you’re still living with your parents. You’re 25, why not get your own place or move in with your boyfriend. I have to imagine they’re still controlling you.