Update: The non- apology- JNMIL strikes after 3 and a half years of NC

Original text here: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1ljllpe/the_non_apology_jnmil_strikes_after_3_and_a_half/

Thank you guys for all the nice and supportive messages and the great advice! Sorry I haven’t replied much in the comments, but here are a few points to clear:

–          JNMIL doesn’t drive and doesn’t have a car. We live 4 hours’ drive away, so if she comes here by herself, it’ll be by a bus/train.

–          We live in a very well secured complex- she can’t possibly get into the yard, let alone our place. We also have cameras, yes- so, I am not worried about her barging into my home. Even if she tries, she’ll be swiftly escorted by the cops.

–          She is very unstable, heavily hooked on benzos and yes, threatened to off herself before-but I am not worried she would actually do it. She is not depressed, she is just a narcissist who meets rejection and consequences.

Onto the update: Please, bear with me, because this is going to be long.

Wednesday   morning I showed my husband JNMIL’s email- and he was truly horrified. He said he would deal with it, but after hours and hours of deliberation, I decided to deal with her myself and sent her an email. I did it because I wanted to be in control of the narrative, and, honestly, just needed to put an end to it once and for good.

 I showed it to my husband when he came home, so he knew about it from the get go. The short version of it is “No, thank you, fuck off.” The longer one goes:

“Hello, JNMIL!

The only reason I am replying to you is that I know that if I don’t do it, you will start harassing my mother and my husband. Please, know that this is not a dialogue: as soon as I send you this email, I am blocking you permanently and I wouldn’t receive whatever you send me.  

Your “apology” is a bit late. By about 3.5 years – and, let’s be objective, this is anything but an apology. I never once saw the word “sorry”- I saw gaslighting, blame shifting, attempts for manipulation, guilt tripping, and a threat- but not realization, regret or desire for a change. Forgiveness is given when one is truly sorry, and not because enough time has passed and “we are family and anything could happen”- so we can sweep it under the rug, pretend nothing happened and be pleasantly hypocritical with each other. Hell no.

A misunderstanding, you say. Why, though, I remember it as you trying to put a wedge between my husband and me, as a series of lies and fabrications, as you harassing my mother, who was still recovering? And not to mention the audacity that you had after my brother’s death. My husband explicitly asked you not to contact my mother or me. And what did you do? Not only did you prove that you don’t care about his desires or boundaries, but you also proved that you have no problem to intrude, clearly unwanted, at such a horrible and private moment. One could think that you enjoy drama and that you lurk and wait until one is vulnerable, so that you attack.

“I think of coming to your place one day and putting an end to it all”. Although ill-covered threat, this actually made me laugh. I imagined revolvers at the square at down- the Wild West style, musketeer dueling or at least free style wrestling. But, seriously, what, on Earth, were you thinking with this sentence? This shall forever remain a mystery for me.

And exactly because I am a reasonable person, I know that if I “forgive you and understand you”, your next intrigue will be even more grandiose. Well, no, thank you. I don’t like you, I don’t trust you at all, and there is absolutely no chance that I play a role, pretend or be a hypocrite.

And because you are accusing me of the “situation suiting me” and that I don’t care about my husband, let’s change the rhetoric a little bit. If you love him and care about him, you would come to terms with the situation-that you created, accept that we will never have any sort of relationship and not burden my husband with unnecessary drama and whining, and ditch the eternal role of a victim.

I do want you two to have a great and healthy relationship- meet, talk, attend events, go on trips and vacations, financial help- I would never stand in the way of that and you know it very well. I want my husband to be happy- and if you want the same, now you have a great chance to prove it.

Wishing you all the best,

Op”

Well, that went as well as one could imagine.

We had planned a weekend getaway in the mountains, leaving Friday afternoon and returning Sunday afternoon. JNMIL knew about it, my husband had mentioned that to her on Thursday. So, she waits until Friday noon and sends him our emails. In her twisted mind, because that’s how she operates, I hadn’t told my husband about it- so she will drop the bomb, show him how incredibly evil and cruel I am, create drama and spoil our weekend. Well, husband ignored her- so on Saturday she contacted my SIL, sending her the emails, complaining about me and asking about our company’s email- the company that I am somehow owner of and the email domain that I created and support… So Sunday morning she sends the emails again to our company email with body text “no comment”.

Meanwhile they speak on the phone- nothing, nada, zero, nil mentioning.

So yesterday, Monday, my husband told me about it- he said he didn’t want to spoil our weekend I am so, so appreciative! We had a great time in nature, trekking, spa, nice food, great air…It was wonderful. Honestly, he has been great.

So, Monday evening he calls her. All kittens and giggles, general talk, nothing. As she is about to hang up, my husband stops her- “Do you want to tell me anything about the emails you have been sending me? JNMIL doubles down- “Tell you what? I just wanted to show you what a loony your wife is. “To which husband answered “Oh, well, she might be a loony, but how about you? How about your email?”- “What’s wrong with my email? It’s well executed, short and precise. You’ve chosen her, you live with her!”- and she slammed the phone down.

Now husband is furious, pacing around, swearing. And off she goes again. A message.

“At least now I know you only visit me when she lets you. You don’t visit unless it’s for business anyways. Going on trips and holidays? I don’t remember this ever happening. (Spoiler- it had happened many, many times in the past). Financial help? I have never asked for anything or complained about anything- I have always relied on myself only (guess what…). But that is so noble of her.”

Now my husband is absolutely livid and decides to take the piss, by replying her “I can see you are bored…Have a good night”. Well, yeah, her next message was a gem, really.

“You behave as if you depend on her, and not the other way around. You have never taken my side. I have given birth to you- you are an adult and can do whatever you want, but I just wanted you to know, that I am hurt”.

Ta- daaaa, the curtain falls, end of this action.

So, yes, here we are now- I am actually really happy and even grateful to her that she brought it up and I had closure. At the same time I feel for my husband- he is very well aware of her antics and yet, she’s his mother, trauma bonding…you know the case.

JNMIL should either come to terms with the situation, or she will lose any chance for a decent relationship with her son. Because he is clearly at the end of his tether. It’s up to her.

Thank you once again, guys, and I will update again, shall I have any new development. I believe I will.