Hi THT Sub!
It has been a while since I have posted here, but there’s been some recent situations and I decided I might need some advice. So on my page you’ll find the original story to this post. I’ve had a lot of issues with my parents. They haven’t seen their grandson who is now (3 yr old m) in close to two years, so I recently decided that I was gonna reach out to my father because I had the closest relationship with him.
I reached out to him telling him how I’ve been, being minimal on information regarding my son because of past behavior.
After a very short response he wrote me being very annoyed that I was “spreading lies” about my childhood and calling my mother a criminal… uhhhh she was in prison for 14 years lol and saying he had to pick up all the pieces of my mom who is so broken from my actions.
Anywho, he ended up basically telling me it’s all my fault that this happened, saying I was trying to use them as a daycare service, which is crazy because it’s their grandson lol, but okay.
I got annoyed and explained I learned what my mother really was, and I wanted to keep our son safe, I blocked him and sobbed realizing that he was no longer the dad that at one point was my best friend. After blocking him, he reached out to my mother-in-law, he reached out to me by email, and by one of my friends, saying and I quote. “Tell that b**tch to never write me again”. Broke my heart.
In his email he told me I played the victim so well.
So we all ignored him, and okay,
We listen and we don’t judge okay?
Butttt, I had a dream that my mom had died and decided I wanted to let her know that I loved her and dad despite everything and agreed to send a few pictures a month of my son, since it’s been over a year since they’d seen him.I sent her the pictures and she complimented him. She asked if she could send some gifts and clothes for him, I told her she could, I gave her my aunt’s address because I wasn’t really in a trusting place to give her our home address yet. Turns out that really upset her and she started saying that I was treating her and my father like second class Citizens? Lol. So, I explained to her that I wasn’t really trusting of them, considering that in the past, she threatened legal action and that we would need to build up to that. She stated that my dad no longer wanted to deal with my aunt, and that if we wanted gifts for my son that it was either her address or nothing at all.
In which I responded, of course that we didn’t expect anything from them, and my mom got very insulted that I still was refusing to give her our address so she sent me a screenshot off of people search website of my address stating that she’s always had my address for months but she’ll respect my wishes to not send anything. I was very put off by her sending that, it seemed very manipulative.
So, after everything that happened, she continued to state that she did not want to deal with my aunt, that she doesn’t like that I’m treating them the way that I am and put them in debt blah blah blah.
And I told her that me reaching out was giving them a chance to show they’ve changed. Not for me at least for their only grandson. That they’ve both showed that they haven’t. So I was no longer going to contact them even with pictures.
So even though it might be crazy to ask, but based on this situation, and if you’ve read my previous story about this
AITA? Was completely cutting them off from even pictures too harsh? Thanks!
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi THT Sub!
It has been a while since I have posted here, but there’s been some recent situations and I decided I might need some advice. So on my page you’ll find the original story to this post. I’ve had a lot of issues with my parents. They haven’t seen their grandson who is now (3 yr old m) in close to two years, so I recently decided that I was gonna reach out to my father because I had the closest relationship with him.
I reached out to him telling him how I’ve been, being minimal on information regarding my son because of past behavior.
After a very short response he wrote me being very annoyed that I was “spreading lies” about my childhood and calling my mother a criminal… uhhhh she was in prison for 14 years lol and saying he had to pick up all the pieces of my mom who is so broken from my actions.
Anywho, he ended up basically telling me it’s all my fault that this happened, saying I was trying to use them as a daycare service, which is crazy because it’s their grandson lol, but okay.
I got annoyed and explained I learned what my mother really was, and I wanted to keep our son safe, I blocked him and sobbed realizing that he was no longer the dad that at one point was my best friend. After blocking him, he reached out to my mother-in-law, he reached out to me by email, and by one of my friends, saying and I quote. “Tell that b**tch to never write me again”. Broke my heart.
In his email he told me I played the victim so well.
So we all ignored him, and okay,
We listen and we don’t judge okay?
Butttt, I had a dream that my mom had died and decided I wanted to let her know that I loved her and dad despite everything and agreed to send a few pictures a month of my son, since it’s been over a year since they’d seen him.I sent her the pictures and she complimented him. She asked if she could send some gifts and clothes for him, I told her she could, I gave her my aunt’s address because I wasn’t really in a trusting place to give her our home address yet. Turns out that really upset her and she started saying that I was treating her and my father. Citizens? Lol. So, I explained to her that I wasn’t really in that trustworthy of a level from her, considering that in the past, she threatened legal action and that we would need to build up to that. She stated that my dad no longer wanted to deal with my aunt, and that if we wanted gifts for my son that it was either our dress or nothing at all.
In which I responded, of course that we didn’t expect anything from them, and my mom got very insulted that I still was refusing to give her our address so she sent me a screenshot off of people search website of my address stating that she’s always had my address for months but she’ll respect my wishes to not send anything. I was very put off by her sending that, it seemed very manipulative.
So, after everything that happened, she continued to state that she did not want to deal with my aunt, that she doesn’t like that I’m treating them the way that I am and put them in debt blah blah blah.
And I told her that me reaching out was giving them a chance to show they’ve changed. Not for me at least for their only grandson. That they’ve both showed that they haven’t. So I was no longer going to contact them even with pictures.
So even though it might be crazy to ask, but based on this situation, and if you’ve read my previous story about this
AITA? Was completely cutting them off from even pictures too harsh? Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Why are you even communicating with them? They don’t care about you. Block and get therapy. You will never get what you need from them.
I hate AI
NTA for cutting them out of your life due to a lengthy history where they proved time and again you can’t trust them.
But you bear some of the responsibility for the consequences you are now facing as a result of continuing to reach out to them. You seem to think their past bad acts give you the right to reach out 100% on your terms, but they are people with their own feelings and freedom to act as well. So while I completely understand your motivations for reaching out to your mom to get some sort of closure or rekindle a relationship while withholding your own address, I can also see her perspective that essentially boils down to “Why are you saying you want me back in your life only to tell me you hate me and don’t trust me enough to even know where you live, despite the fact that it is public info?” I’m sure it has her feeling like you weren’t sincere and just came back for another shot at telling her she was a bad mother. I also question whether this is some of your motivation–whether the “closure” you seek is hurting her back.
You’re setting up an emotional seesaw situation that is not good for anyone involved. Get off of it and walk away from the park.
You need to stop communicating with them. Block them and get therapy. You are hurting yourself more than helping.
NTA your parents are toxic and you don’t need toxic people in your life and neither does your son. For that matter neither does your husband.
It’s not that hard to find a reputable person’s address. But you need to decide if you’re willing to relinquish some control in restoring this relationship. Maybe give it a chance and see how it goes. Based on past experience it could tank but at least you’d know you tried.
You’ve got to just let these people go, forever.
They think only of themselves, never of you.
Drop them, block them, never search for them again.
Your son does not need these two horrible people in his life, ever.
Lemme tell ya about my relationship with Burger King. Every couple of years, I’ll drive past one and smell grilling burgers and think “omg, that smells so good, I want one”. Because it reminds me of being a kid and a lot of good memories associated. So I’ll get a double cheeseburger and it won’t taste nearly as good as i remember. And then I spend the night in the bathroom as it claws my digestive system into shreds on the way out. I vow never again. A couple years will pass and the cycle starts again.
Your parents are my Burger King.
You have some good memories and conditioning to love it, but you know how it ends. Break the cycle. You don’t need their approval and your son doesn’t need his credit ruined by the time he starts kindergarten. They’ve made the terms of the relationship clear: you sacrifice everything for their benefit and they’ll give you crumbs in return. If that’s enough, it’s your choice, but you know what you’re going to get. Good luck.
They understand why you’re upset. They don’t care
Nothing good will come from keeping them in your life
Also recommend moving if possible. I know it’ll be a pain in the ass, but your parents clearly can’t be trusted at this point
I’m sorry your parents suck, they’re not the people you want to them to be. And it’s possible they were never the people you thought they were
Updateme!
I’m at a loss as to know why you even tried to contact them. Your mother is a narcissistic criminal and your dad is her enabler.
Why would you send photos of your son to them knowing she’ll put them up on social media again? You hated it last time so why give them another opportunity? She doesn’t respect your boundries.
You’ve invited all this crap and shitshow back into your life and it’s probably going to escalate again. Stop it now. Refuse any gifts, (it’s her way of worming herself back in), and block her and your dad on every platform there is so they can’t contact you.
Your dad is a lost cause obviously
Stop trying to make them the parents/grandparents you wish you had. They are not those people and never will be. Nothing you do will magically change them into the loving family you deserve. You are only hurting yourself by continuing to give them chance after chance.
My husband just got out of prison after 6 years. I was pregnant when he went in, his indictment was on charges from before we met so I stuck by him, raised my daughter and our son on my own. I bought a house for us, I had a car for him. EVERYTHING. He got out and lasted a week in the residential facility before using again and going back to jail.
I told him I wanted a divorce. I realized how selfish he was, and honestly prison makes you even more of a selfish person “I need this” “I need that” blah blah blah.
He got out AGAIN and AGAIN only lasted a week. He blamed me for both of those times. 1st time I was “being a whore” for going to my single friends house for a girls night when my kids were out of town with my mom. 2nd time was because I “was keeping our son from him”.
Your parents will never change. I am sorry. It is best if you accept them for what they are and move one with your life.
Check your information, and your child’s, and your husband’s for any loans against your names and financial info.
The toilet was already flushed.
Don’t invite it back.
NTA. I get the impulse to reach out sporadically to see if they changed. People don’t change.
Next time you have the impulse put a note in your calendar for 6 months in the future to check in with yourself and let it go until then. If you forgot about it when the appointment pops up, you can just move on.
Why would you open Pandora’s Box 📦?
No. Just don’t do that. Your Dad has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you.
You don’t trust your mom so stop feeding her nibbles of your life.
Just stop. 🛑
Protect yourself and your child and stop with the cat and mouse games.
NOPE! MOM’S NOT in your life for a reason. No more chances! Go NO CONTACT. BLOCK her on everything. She’s NOT allowed to visit. Nor should you meet her anywhere else. Don’t let her near your children. Get a Permanent Restraining Order against her. Now, go live your truth without her.
Be at peace.
Your parents are not very nice people OP. They weren’t nice when you went no contact for two years. Your dad wasn’t nice when you reached out. Your mom was either trying to be nice or pretending to be nice but the end result was not nice. Stop reaching out. They have shown you there awfulness enough. When do you learn?
Oh man I really feel for you. And reading (only)this post I get a feeling in my gut that these two people are very dangerous for your emotional and mental health.
I’m happy to hear you are in therapy as you need those building blocks to move forward without your parents. Not all people are meant to be in our lives forever and some are in it longer or shorter than others.
It’s like a death of losing someone. You are mourning the family you’ve wanted and needed as a child and those feelings have probably come back and stronger because you are a mum now.
It’s ok to feel sad about what you didn’t get as a child but channeling these emotions into getting your parents to change and become great grandparents is not healthy for you. It’s probably extremely upsetting in such a deep way that I would be afraid of spiralling if I were in your shoes.
Keep on with your therapy and wishing you all the best. You sound like a really caring and protective mum, good luck.
Why do you keep doing this to yourself. They had stopped harassing you and now it’s just starting all over. Just stay NC
They are serious narcissists. Look up DARVO. You are doing the right thing. People like this don’t change.
How to Spot and Stop a Sociopath (with excellent DARVO explanation)
Jesus, go to the police for the fraud and send her sorry ass back to jail.