https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/Ssx7btzodL
Hi, I was overwhelmed by the amount of responses I got on my previous post (linked above), and fucking horrified that my fears were put into words that outsiders were able to very clearly see. I’m not gonna lie, it made me nauseous reading some of the comments and realizing it was a form of emotional incest, which I had to research btw, hated every second of it.
Anyways, here’s an update from the drama that went down the last month. I sat down with my boyfriend and had a really uncomfortable talk about all of it, and he was equally horrified. I don’t think it ever really hit him how completely bananas and sick the behavior was until everything was laid out on the table back to back. He assured me he hasn’t dealt with any deeper abuse from his past, and this seems to be a more recent behavior. I’m his most serious relationship, so we’re assuming it was some weird sick jealously like many of you said.
The real drama, he sat down with his mom, without me, and told her how he felt, that in was inappropriate, and that it needed to stop. Well shit hit the fan after that. That woman completely snapped, she blew up my phone with messages about how I will “never compete” with her, she will “always be (bf’s name) first love”, and that I shouldn’t have felt so insecure, especially since we considered each other “friends”. She also said there was nothing weird or sexual about the comments she’s made, and that we’re all “sensitive snowflakes”. Eventually they got into a screaming match, he told her we’d cut ties if she continued acting like this (both his siblings have cut ties with her for years now), and she pretty much said “I dare you, you’ll deal with the consequences”.
So ties were cut. But we have learned she’s been twisting the story quite a bit to her friends and family, and they apparently blame me, saying I poisoned her in my boyfriend’s mind.
I personally have no guilt for the situation, I think cutting ties was the best outcome, but I do worry about my boyfriend. His dad is still very much in his life, but I worry about him not having his mom, even though she was toxic.
For the ones who have cut ties with family members in the past because of a spouse, what kind of advice can you give for a smoother transition to essentially losing a parent? Is there anything that will make it easier on him or both of us? We want to start planning a family soon too, but how am I supposed to ever explain to our child what happened to their grandma? I’m truly scared my boyfriend might hold resentment towards me one day for bringing light to how toxic his mom was..
TL,DR; boyfriend’s mom made nasty sexual comments, she completely lost her shit when confronted privately, ties with her were cut, but I’m worried about my boyfriend still.
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Both of you, together, speak to his siblings about why they cut ties: it might be illuminating and it will certainly be good to have some allies within his wider family.
As for the future, ‘Grandma just isn’t very well so we don’t see her anymore’ or similar will do for the first 10 years or so…
Have a look at r/JustNoMIL. Lots of good resources and sympathetic ears for when you or your boyfriend need to vent or express your sadness etc
You did the right thing… she will continue to get worse and if/when you have kids she will completely go off the deep end. You saved your partner from years of cognitive dissonance and you may have actually saved your relationship with him.
Honestly? Time. It takes time and space. No contact can be rough especially when the other party refuses to accept it but parents who disrespect adult children’s boundaries is hard. You have to “parent” them back in a sense where you only maintain a relationship if there’s accountability and mutual respect.
Live your life and when people ask you just give very neutral responses. Don’t feed into the drama. People are gonna share their versions and other people can believe it and it’s hard to accept. My mother is a piece of work and I don’t know what she told my siblings for them to hate me after a violent interaction I had with her BF but I walked out and didn’t look back. As much as it sucks to not have a relationship with my family, my self respect and safety came first and if others want to believe I’m the problem that’s their choice and I don’t need them in my life. I’ve filled it with friends that I view as found family.
You just have to tell yourself and your bf to stay strong and go do something fun after one of the blow ups or negative interactions. Healing isn’t linear and there will be ups and downs, periods of sadness and anger and there will be good times to remember why you chose yourself first.
I worry about him not having his mom, even though she was toxic.
Well… that’s like saying, “I worry about him not having his car, even though it has an uncontrollable carbon monoxide leak.”
I can understand your heart hurting from him not having a loving mother, but that’s not what he has lost. He’s cutting out a cancer, not a valued parent.
Meanwhile concentrate on the here and now, what you can impact and what you can’t. Don’t angst over hypothetical conversations with hypothetical children. The woman could be dead by the time you have kids, who knows.
Encourage him to see a therapist and just be as supportive as possible.