Update – Tried to fix things but couldn’t get myself (M29 / F26)

Link to previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1hks6tx/girlfriends_anxiety_is_weighing_on_me/

TL;DR: Struggled with girlfriends anxiety for a while, things got better yet I cannot overlook what happened in the past and cannot see myself marrying but haven’t been able to break up. I want to feel happy again and I’m realising that my partner is a big obstacle to happiness.

If you check my previous posts, you might see that I’ve struggled with multiple issues that have been riddling my relationship with my partner. In the end, decided to move in, put my worries aside and give it a fair shot as the ultimate test of seeing if things can work out.

Fast forward a few months, things have gotten somewhat better but old patterns still persist, I.e. anxiety and excessive amounts of discussions over going on a trip with friends (who she knows very, very well) or other situations where she is not accompanying me, unrealistic insecurities like “will he cheat” despite me showing her all my messages to calm her down or offering to unfollow friends if it really helps. Mind you, I have family history with cheaters that destroyed everything so I have a very strong personal dislike for anything even remotely related to being unfaithful (both emotional and physical)

With that being said, I’ve tried so many things, over and over and I can see some improvement, however I felt that my own mental health has declined. I feel depressed, unhappy and trapped in my life because I finally realised that THE deciding factor of our relationship succeeding is how much I can let her anxiety run its course and be her mental caretaker (reassurance, accepting her rules regarding going out/house/life, answering her anxiety questions specifically in the way she wants to) which is super tiring and exhausting.

Nevertheless, recently I went alone on a much needed trip with some childhood friends from my neighbourhood (this took a lot of effort and work to put her anxieties aside of what I might be out to despite them being amazing people and far from shady) and for the first time in years, I’ve felt so happy and carefree. My friends said that it’s the first time they see my old, happy, optimistic and smiling self. I almost bursted out in tears right there in the spot because I realised what happened to me. I became negative, sad and somewhat depressed which is the exact opposite to me.

I’m now coming to the conclusion that I want to be free. Free of the constant anxiety management, pain, insecurities and take time to heal and become myself again.

However, despite all of this, I haven’t managed to pull the trigger yet. I know I have to do it, right?

What is going on with me?