First one
Good morning from the gray city of Cologne. I have an update and after 24 hours to answer people’s questions,I will log out from this account because I think it is over. Also reddit is really overstimulating for a guy who is in their second half of their 40s.
First of all,my family does not blame me for her situation,they think I was an asshole for not listening to her. They apologized after seeing the post though. All is well,we communicated. I also apologized for being too rough on them
My sister is another story. Last night,we went to the house of my brother and SIL. She was there,sitting with no expression,just a dull face. When my nephew greeted her she just said “Hello,son.” with a really neutral voice,scary even. She looked at him after 5 minutes of silence and said “I failed you to raise,I gave you so much pain and I almost caused your life. For that,I am sorry. I am sorry for not realizing it sooner. At Monday,I will be leaving your lives and I will not ever come back. Just want you to know that I did what I thought was best. I understand now it wasn’t.”
My nephew looked at him and said: “I unfortunately know. I know and see you still believe that we have to move on. I will move on mother, but without you. I will move with the people who loved me,not with someone who sees me as a training dog.Farewell,mother.” and he gestured with his head that he wants to go. I looked at my sister and said : “Bye sis,I hope you find peace with your new life.” She silently nodded and we left.
My brother and SIL told me that she will legally separate her ties with us in everyway possible. They are helping her to do that and SIL said: “We need this and she needs this. Us being separate will be much better for all of us.” Not a big ending but it is an ending to this. My parents and her had a talk at Friday and they realized the wounds are too big and painful to heal together.
Not an happy ending,but at least it ended. Thanks for all for reading. I also took note of your recommendations and I will be applying them.
Comments
Watching your sister push her son away like that, and then acting so detached, is devastating. It’s understandable to feel betrayed when someone you care about refuses to address the damage they’ve done.
Ok, but where do any modern people speak like that? GTFO
It sounds like your sister’s going through a lot, and while your comment may have been a gut reaction, it likely stung more than you intended in such a tough moment.
Damn, this is heartbreaking but also seems like the only way for healing. Sounds like your nephew is a lot stronger than most people his age. Hope everyone finds peace eventually.
NTA. Family talked, you’re good there. Sister ? Not so much. She’s checked out, nephews done, they’re legal separating. Sad ending, but sometimes that’s how it goes. Hope everyone will find peace
wow. just read your initial post and am in no way surprised that this is a german story. unfortunately.
I am glad that you were able to be a support system for your nephew, I am glad, that your former BIL came around and (although, its probably worth mentioning, way too late) supported his son and they were able to seek therapy as a union – giving your nephew a semblance of a family that allows failure, leisure, way to breath and be a human.
Your sister clearly has issues beyond what others can help her with – there is a core cruelness and vile perceiption of the world that has shaped her into the person she is and frankly: If your kid, desperatedly trying to commit suicide, is not a wakup call – then, frankly, nothing is.
I have to seriously wonder why she is trying to make amends and seek forgiveness – there should be space to ask the really relevant and valid question as to why exactly dying in a care facility all alone is such a scary vision for her – frankly, she had her whole life to surround herself with loved ones and took to very great lengths to avoid this at all costs.
Either she is a very meanspirited sadist (Forcing her child through this childhood of stonefaced performancereview, while simultanously KNOWING that there is more to life and that she actually wants and needs and wishes for the dedicated love and affection from others) OR she is a seriously struggling self-sabotaging addict (in terms of a workaholic and performancedriven whipcracking asshole) who has to much mental struggles as to accept she would have needed help… twentyfive years ago
Why is this style of oppressive child rearing so common in the Dach region? We always hear such stories through the grapevine and it makes you feel like the crazy one for letting your child be a child. Then as the kids get older there are always serious behavioural issues from forcing strict lessions onto the kids from 2years old.
German lady here. 48 aka same age as OP and his siblings. To be honest I was not surprised either, reading that this is a story happening in Germany.
Our parents generation is sadly a terrible one, and it’s only partly their fault. They were born either in WW2 or shortly after. To war traumatized parents that were part of one of the biggest crimes in human history and came from a nation of perpetrators of the Holocaust.
Our parents generation was raised in silence, suppressed emotions, need to function and total lack of empathy.
There is a huge emotional atrophy in our parents generation that has bleed into our generation. They grew up in the need to function and achieve to be worth anything, building from the ruins, guilt and horrors of a war caused by their parents.
My generation is full of emotionally stunt people that don’t know how to build connection with their children beyond “function” and “making them to achieve something”.
Some did the emotional work or had therapy to heal, most have not or are just starting to now in their 40s or 50s. And our children have suffered for it. I see it in my own family and in myself. I was the kid in the late 80s/90s suffering from depression and addiction. And I still work on myself in therapy. Never got kids, bc I was aware of my trauma and me not being able to provide emotionally for myself, and definitely not any children. Through all of this I finished university and functioned my ass off and am career wise the most successful of my siblings. They all got married and had children. These children are the 3rd generation after the WW2 generation and guess what: mental health is bad. I have an 18 year niece with major depression, anxiety and emotionally not her age. My brother and his wife did not do the emotional work they should have done, to deal with their trauma inflicted by our parents.
The difference is that my nieces and nephews have a) me and b) my sister has done the work – her kids are better off.
My point is: OPs sister is not an exception. She might be an extreme, but there are 1000s of stories like this or similar in Germany and it’s not talked about enough and mental health resources are not enough. I believe this goes back to even before the WW2 generation. This is the trauma war brings to humans. For generations. And the human race has not learned anything and did not have time to heal. (Bc it not just affects Germans). We are walking right back into it…