I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 7 years, and emotionally, I’ve checked out. I’m burned out as well, can’t sleep and completely anxiety ridden.
We own a house together and have a dog, so it’s not a quick split, but I’m actively and quietly planning my exit. I just needed to get this off my chest because I feel like I’ve been living a double life, pretending everything is fine on the surface whilst I make arrangements behind the scenes.
When we first got together, we were both a bit immature.I assumed we’d grow together, and I gave him grace for a lot of things — laziness, emotional immaturity, passivity — because I believed he’d develop more depth and self-awareness over time. Instead, I’ve grown without him. He’s still lazy, emotionally disengaged, selfish, and increasingly bigoted. He makes jokes involving racial slurs and brushes off my discomfort like I’m being “sensitive.” That alone makes me feel sick.
I do everything. Every phone call (I’m better at it apparently). Every bill. All the admin. I do the DIY, the decorating, the gardening, the financial planning. I even had to rely on my dad to help with jobs around the house because my boyfriend just wouldn’t. I managed to get him to help me take up some decking with a bribe of KFC once. He acts like mowing the lawn twice in a row makes us even and taking the dog out for a walk fortnightly (if that) is a huge achievement. I’m trying to keep on top of the house but I only have so much time and it’s falling slightly into disrepair, he said I needed to stop calling my dad to do things but as a result loads of things have gone to shit. I’ve decorated every single room in this house by myself other than his room (which I did half of).
The dog — who he claims “prefers” him — is my responsibility entirely. I walk her daily, manage vet visits, pay her insurance and arrange food (i take money out joint account) and her microchip and policy are in my name. The other day he threw a poo bag into a woodland because he couldn’t be bothered to carry it. I was repulsed and honestly it was my last straw… I would have retrieved it if it weren’t in nettles and thorns. He likes having a dog — but he doesn’t want to care for one.
Back in 2021, I had an abortion. It was incredibly hard for me emotionally, and I slipped into a long, painful depression. He gave me nothing. No comfort. No support. He tuned out completely but claimed he was affected too. I got therapy, got medicated, and rebuilt my life. Alone. And now that I’m thriving again, it’s even more obvious how absent he’s been through everything that mattered.
He ruins every holiday whines about his feet hurting, too hot, too expensive and gets embarrassingly drunk. Even at home, I can’t enjoy a drink with him anymore. He gets defensive, combative, childish. His road rage makes me so anxious that I’ve ended up doing all the driving, too.
He complains endlessly about his job (it’s the same as mine, same pay), but does nothing to change it. He blames being ‘tied to an area’ for not changing it… but not his own passivity. I’ve said for years I wanted to get married — and I’d literally elope. But when he had money, he spent £3k on a gaming PC, then told me a £700 engagement ring was “too expensive.” I can’t even pretend to care anymore.
He also treats me like I’m stupid — constantly questioning things I say or making snide remarks — even though he turns to me for help with basic tasks. It’s hard to put into words how draining it is to be patronised by someone who would struggle to function without you.
And here’s the truth that hurts the most to admit: I’m no longer attracted to him. At all. Physically, emotionally, sexually — there’s nothing left. Sex feels like a chore. He’s selfish in bed now, completely checked out, and it just reinforces how little connection we actually have. I miss intimacy. Not just sex — real connection. And I know I’ll never have that with him again.
I’m waiting to hear about a promotion that would allow me to buy him out of the mortgage. If not, we’ll sell the house and move in with my parents. I’m exhausted pretending everything’s okay.
Thanks for reading, and advice or input would be appreciated from those who have been through something similar.
Comments
He sounds exhausting. You are young, these years should not be so hard. Once you are single you will feel so much better.
No man is worth that…
I hope you find the courage to leave soon ❤️
I left my ex after he treated me like I was invisible and stupid until he needed something…
I’ve never been happier ❤️ you can do it!
Be grateful you didn’t marry him! I just got divorced from a man last year like this after 9 years together, married for 1. Our dog made me realize when she got very ill that I had chosen the wrong person. He already got mad about the unfairness of having to take her out for walks and to use the bathroom on weekends because it interrupted his gaming. He was upset that he felt he had to do most of the chores on weekends and suggested we have chores that we just were always responsible for and didn’t switch off. Which meant I’d be doing EVERYTHING except for the chores that needed to be done once a week that he was responsible for. When she got sick, it got even worse. He was mad he had to be the one to stay up with her when her dementia got really bad. It was never just doing anything because it needed to be done, he’d make sure to make it known he wasn’t happy about it. When we split, he was going to move back in with his mom and told me I was taking the dog with me, despite her needing around the clock care at that point. I was going to be living on my own. She passed away before we both moved out and I’m grateful she did because the move itself might have killed her. And I’m grateful that her first home was her last home. I’m the same age as you, a year out since we separated, and it gets so much better! I’m so much more at peace now and you will be too!
I’m glad you are making an exit plan. I was in your shoes for about 10 years and am so glad I left.
What worked for me was going no contact with my ex once all the loose ends were tied up. No following on socials, no staying friends, just a clean break to reduce drama and move on with my life.
Your following quote really resonated with me:
“It’s hard to put into words how draining it is to be patronised by someone who would struggle to function without you.”
That was me once.
I went through something similar at the same age. The breakup was horrible and traumatic, but I am so so so much happier now. Living alone is great, getting to make all the decisions that are best for me. You’ll be okay, but it might be hard for a while. You deserve better than whatever you’re getting right now, and sometimes people grow in opposite directions. You’re a bit wiser now and probably know what you need in your life. I wish you the best
Go get your happiness.
When you can, leave, be happy without all that stress, and be sure to take the dog. Your life is worth more than just treading water in a cesspool of negativity every single day.
Goodness, I’m so sorry. That sounds terrible. No one deserves that. I can’t imagine how you’re managing it all.
A couple of things that haven’t been mentioned yet that may be helpful.
You never know what he will do when he is faced with you leaving. All of my exes went weird when I was leaving. All but one tried to sabotage my things, job, etc. Not saying he will do that, but it never hurts to be prepared just in case.
It makes me happy to read that you haven’t used this as an excuse to cheat. I’m so happy to read people who do the right thing.
he sounds awful, it is soooo much better off being single than living like this! you can find peaceful living again
Hugs to you and welcome to the club. My disconnect took 15 years. We had children, so I put up with doing all of the domestic, outdoor, social and emotional work. Also all of his business bookwork. We were 50:50 on expenses, even though he out-earned me most of the time.
I planned for 12 years as I was building my assets, and he was just in the periphery and quite good at sex.
Menopause was the kicker when my libido quit and I didn’t want his hot body any longer.
I had all my ducks in a row, and while the emotional pain (sunk cost) was hard, my mental health improved exponentially to the degree to which I convinced him to finally exit my home.
Wow… I hope you get some peace of mind and sanity back if you go ahead with splitting… And try not to mourn the time you wasted, think instead of the future time you have won back by not continuing down a dead end path…
I’m ready for a nap and a Xanax just reading this
Save a few details, this could be my daughter’s story. It breaks my heart to see her accept this little from a partner, and I can only hope she one day opens her eyes and can be as brave as you are. All the best – you’re making the right choice. Someone who won’t contribute to their own well being beyond a paycheck or even communicate with you about things is not a good choice as your partner.
Classic narcissist tactics. Belittle and patronize in an attempt to make you feel worthless so you don’t leave him. If you think you’d be safe doing so, I recommend only taking care of things for yourself. He doesn’t want to do the dishes or run the dishwasher? Fine, you can just wash a bowl when you want one. No clean laundry for him? Yeah, why would there be? That’s not your responsibility. The thing I don’t recommend you stop doing is taking care of your dog, she doesn’t deserve to suffer just because the manchild doesn’t want to take responsibility for “his” dog.
Sell, move, block, move on. You will feel so much lighter without this dead weight. It’s scary but you can definitely do it.
Consider reading Lundy Bancroft’s book as you plan your exit. It has good ideas to help you stay safe.
Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?”
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Good for you hon, get the hell outta there. The best part is you are still so young and you didn’t have kids with him. You are freeeeee babe!
Yo this sucks but the freedom is gonna feel oh so sweet. Trust me. Keep it pushin and get out. I don’t even get along with my parents and it’s the best decision I’ve made in a long time.
He’s not a partner, he’s like a small child that needs you to take care of every single thing for him. Plus yourself and the dog. And he’s happy with the arrangement. He doesn’t want to elope or marry you, he’s just wants a mommy figure.
Look forward and focus on how much happier you will be when you move on instead of looking back and seeing it as a waste. Be thankful that you didn’t marry him! You deserve better. You deserve happiness!
Been there and completion of our house is round the corner now. You can do it hun. At least you have the majority of your thirties to enjoy without him 🙂
Edit. Spelling
Sounds almost exactly like my ex. Throw in cheating, gaslighting, and manipulation and, if it weren’t for the ages, I’d say you were dating him.
Best 260 pounds I’ve ever lost.
The comment you made about his behaviour on holiday really hit me in the feels. I had an ex like that, we went on amazing holidays that I did all the planning and mental load for (he turned up on time only if I badgered him, and that was his only responsibility…) Then he would behave like a small child and be moody the whole time.
These days I’m single and can’t afford holidays at the moment. But when the weather is nice I sit in my garden with my dog and a book, and relax in a way I never got to on any of the expensive holidays with him.
It’s so worth it.
Damn your relationship sounds similar to mine before I ended it. My ex at the time would do half assed lazy attempts to do those sketchy, shady get rich quick schemes. One of the final straws that broke the camel back for me was when I got a brand new car during covid Toyota was desperate in 2020 to move cars off their lot so I qualified for a 0% APR loan for 60 months. Figured I was having my quarter life crisis at 25 & having a car loan is a better way to build credit than just credit cards alone.
Well he got mad at me for getting a new car even though I paid for it myself since I’m the only person that signed onto the loan. He thought I was stupid for locking myself into monthly car payments. Then he realized I had a brand new car so he wanted to borrow it while I was at work since I was essential working at the hospital & he wanted to make money driving for rideshare like Uber/Lyft. That was when I realized how selfish he was worrying about making money for himself but at MY expense of wear & tear on my vehicle.
You need to stop dragging your feet waiting on that job promotion I would just cut loose now to start your life over again. Stop doing the sunk cost fallacy I did that with my relationship & looking back I stayed in that relationship 4 yrs longer than I needed to be in it. You’re still young in your 30s so there’s still time to find someone else to marry & start a family with.
I was in the same situation nine months ago. Exactly seven years. The drinking, the road rage, the extreme dependence, child-like regression etc was exactly as you described it.
We were planning for a wedding and he didn’t put a single penny or a single ounce of effort into the planning. He got so comfortable that he relied on me to flush the toilet and tell him to get a haircut. Then he got so comfortable he decided it would be funny to set the couch on fire. Like a toddler. You can imagine how that ended.
Just a heads up: he might refuse to get brought out AND to sell the house in hopes of prolonging your contact with him.
I mostly agree with you, except two points.
“room decoration” I guess it matters only for you, but it didnt make him manchild.
“3k gaming PC vs 700 ring” PC is a usefull tool, while ring is just a ring.
You sound like such a mature and emotionally intelligent person. As a fellow 30 year old woman, I am so proud of you for making this decision, for seeing all his failings as they are (no excuses) and for deciding to turn everything around.
I believe all the important things regarding your safety and independence have been said and I wholeheartedly support them.
I had a similar relationship prior to my current one (just all of it: the laziness, the holidays, the constant whining, the utter uselessness regarding chores, the sex, just all of it) and to this day it haunts me how long it took me to just say good-bye. I couldn’t understand why one day I didn’t feel anything for him anymore and I even felt bad for it (WTF) but in retrospect it only makes sense. And all the “wasted time” aside, I learned so much from it and I bet you did, too. Especially when it comes to what you are going to look for in another man (although I could totally understand if you just wanted a break from all of them for now).
And, make no mistake, whatever he says, this man does not love you. If he is anything like my ex-boyfriend, to him you are a pleasant mommy replacement he demands praise and sex from when he feels like it. Also, he is probably going to whine and play the victim once you leave, maybe even accuse you of cheating (mine did). Let him. Make it short and sweet. Good-bye, son. You owe him nothing. If anything, there is a tiny little list of things he would need to catch up on to make you guys even.
I am so excited for what your life still holds! You are in your best years and you are only getting started. There are such great men out there and you are going to be able to find one, especially now that you have sharpened your senses. I would love to hear what you are up to in a few years, I bet it will be great 🙂 All the best!
My ex was like this. Brodude was such a bum he was simply not a functional human being without his mommy-wife (me). He didn’t do his taxes (which in my country is just clicking “YES” to the draft the tax office sents you by mail), he disregarded all warnings and ended up with his salary and bank account seized for 2 years. He did not even care to renew his residence permit and almost got his ass deported.
He STILL came to whine to me. I said “oh no, I hope things get better for you :)”. He hasn’t talked to me in over a decade. I don’t fix things for him, so I guess I am of no use anymore.
I did a dime. I moved back to my home state, and fell in love again with a friend from school. We got married and my life is so exponentially better. It was worth the hardship of my 20s to have the happiness of my 30s.