I last saw my dad 27 years ago but last time we spoke on the phone was 15 years ago. My dad is someone who believes that he is always right. In short, he wasn’t a great person and ruined every relationship he has ever had. Nobody wants him and no one will take him in. He is in “transitional” care and waiting to pass. He has had 5 strokes and is in and out of the hospital. He barely remembers me but he does. The last time I saw him he was supposed to pick us up when we moved to new state but he never showed up. He left us at a bus station in the middle of winter of Minnesota in a snow storm. My mom was 3 months post partum with 4 kids at a bus stop. A family driving by picked us up and took us to a shelter. The last time we spoke he yelled at me about being a liar (I wasn’t and he didn’t know me anyway). I hung the phone up and never called again.
It had been bothering me that he was in the home but I didn’t know how close. So I drove the 45 minutes to see him. He is paralyzed on the left side of his body. He cried when he saw me. He talked as much as he could and asked me for ice cream. I bought him one but I didn’t get any for myself. When I got back with the ice cream he said “You didn’t get one?” I didn’t realize at the time that is probably one of the last memories he had of me, us getting ice cream at McDonalds.
I’m not a fan of who is and no one will take him in. I just feel sad? I want to cry but what I am crying for? I feel like I grieved whoever he was a long time ago. I was raised by my stepdad who I adore. I just feel overwhelmed with emotion and idk why? How do I emotionally navigate seeing an estranged parent in their final time even though he’s been gone for my entire life?
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I think maybe you’re mourning what could have been or what you wished he was or maybe the fact that he never tried to change. I’m sorry OP be gentle with yourself.
Oh.. this is heartbreaking.. may God will give you two a chance to meet each other again in the afterlife if he’ll be granted..
It’s okay to grieve the loss of what should have been. You can feel like you should have had a father who was present for you. You should have had a father who didn’t yell at you. It’s normal to want your parent to love you. Inside all of us is a little spark of hope that no matter what, our parents care about us.
Your final meeting with your father will either confirm that he cares, or extinguish that spark of hope for good. Of course you’re going to be emotional. It’s dredging up emotions that you thought you processed a long time ago, but emotions are tricky like that. They can not bother you for years and then make you sob uncontrollably out of the blue because you saw a hat that reminded you of someone. Just take a breath, and remind yourself of all the good that has happened in your life, all that you have accomplished without needing your father there. Remind yourself that you are not that kid at the bus stop anymore. You can do this.
I think you might be mourning the fact that once he passes there is no fixing your relationship.
Seeing him might have solidified in your mind that you don’t get to have that good, close relationship with your father since he’s in such poor health.
Mourning something that can never be is incredibly difficult and I hope you’re gentle with yourself during this time.
Sending love. It’s a lot, huh? I imagine in your mind you had a picture of him as a real asshole. A bad man. And to see him in such a vulnerable and declined state was probably a shock. It probably makes it pretty hard to hold on to the anger you had at the monster you pictured him as. Plus you have this reversal of roles. Bringing him an ice cream like he’s the child.
Most importantly, please understand that everything you’re feeling is completely valid. The anger, the sorrow, all of it. Grief is a hell of a process. Even if he’s not gone yet.
May I recommend maybe finding a therapist to talk through it with? It helped me a lot.