Hello. Really needed to share this as I haven’t been able to talk about this to anyone.
My boyfriend is an extremely happy guy. Always checking in on everybody, is super unserious and is extremely friendly and just a joy to be around. A few days ago, I was at his house just hanging out, didn’t notice anything up with him, he was super cheerful too, we were talking about out university plans and what university he was going to choose and if we had to do long distance we’d make it work, he was literally talking about our future plans so cheerfully. I had to go and he walked me home and up until now he was his usual self nothing off, he hugged me tight and told me he’d see me tomorrow.
A few hours later I realised I left my charger at his house and I phoned him to ask if he could drop it off but his phone was turned off, so I decided to go pick it up myself instead as an excuse to see him anyway. He and his sister were home alone at the time and she told me that he was going to take a nap but I can go in and grab whatever I need, I entered his room and nothing looked off besides the fact, he was sleeping on the floor but he had a pillow placed under his head so I thought he decided to nap there, I went looking for my charger and smelled a strong smell of throw up and a bunch of empty medicine capsules including his adhd meds, all emptied out. The thought crossed my mind in the moment but I shrugged it off and decided to try and wake him up instead and maybe ask him about it. He wasn’t waking up at all and his heart was beating so fast I started panicking so hard in the moment. I called out for his sister and we phoned emergency services. I was praying that maybe he just passed out and not because he tried harming herself but unfortunately it was the latter.
I’m so hurt and upset that I didn’t catch on, he literally is the happiest most carefree person ever and we were talking about our future plans?? he told me he was going to see me tomorrow hours before attempting. He’s so thoughtful and caring, he always listens to my struggles and I listen to his but I’m racking my head so hard to find out when and how he was struggling that badly and why he didn’t tell me, his friends or his parents. No one thought he’d ever attempt something like this and that’s what’s driving me crazy.
Luckily he’s okay and is being held in the hospital for medical evaluation but I haven’t had the chance to speak to him since that day and I don’t know what I’d tell him when I face him because part of me feels so angry and miserable.
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Lose the anger. That is making it about yourself. You have no idea about the personal demons that he is battling. You have no idea if he was abused, molested, feels hopeless about his future, nothing. Do be a listener, attentive and understanding. Above all let him know he’s not alone in his struggles.
No real advice. Seek therapy or someone to talk to. Im sorry you went through this.
I’ve always heard that people who appear to be the happiest are actually some of the most depressed. They put on a mask and try to make it seem like nothing is wrong so that the people wouldn’t suspect anything, and the end would make it easier on everyone because no one would be burdened with their suffering and problems. It’s sad to think that they believe that nothing can be helped and they feel like it’s their own pain and suffering to carry, but they can’t bring anything up or it would make their loved ones worry. They never think about the aftermath. They only think of the now and the why they’re doing it to end their suffering. Sometimes, they even plan it well in advance without anyone even knowing.
I’m not sure what kind of advice I can give, but just know that there was a reason you went back and found him like that. You saved him from his demise and now know the truth of what was going on in his mind. I will say, however, that you shouldn’t blame yourself for his actions, and perhaps should give him time to come to terms explaining things to you. If you want to stay with him, know that he did this once, and he might attempt again. But, if you leave, you won’t have to worry about his next attempt or have all that weight on you worrying about if he would try again. He needs counseling and to figure out how to better help himself and open up. It’s your choice to stay or go, but you still should figure out what actually happened in his mind up until then.
Anyway, I’m sorry you had to see him like that and wonder why he made the choice. It’s traumatic in its own way, even if he didn’t die. Maybe even talk about it to a therapist on your own, or tell your boyfriend how it made you feel so he can understand how his attempt impacted the people he cares about. Overall, though, I wish you luck.
Everyone would describe me the same as your boyfriend. And like your boyfriend, I struggle with suicidal thoughts. People like us are very good at hiding our pain. Even the things he’s told you about his struggles are only the surface and the lesser parts. There’s a lot he’s been keeping inside.
I get being angry. It’s natural. My dad felt the same way when his brother committed suicide.
When you see him, if you plan to see him again, just give him a hug and tell him you’re glad he’s still here. Then leave it. Don’t talk about it. And I don’t mean in a “we don’t talk about Bruno” kind of way, but because he’s gonna be feeling a lot of things and everyone will be trying to get him to talk about. Don’t be that person. Just be there, for whatever way he needs you.
As for your own feelings, is there a counselor or therapist you can speak to? You feel betrayed; he lied to you about his feelings, he didn’t trust you enough to confide in you, he thought he was protecting you which means he thinks you’re weak, these are all natural things to think and feel right now.
If you don’t have access to that kind of support, I recommend just writing it all out. Sometimes getting it down, putting it onto paper (or a word document, showing my age there, eh? lol) can really help. It lets you get it all out without worrying about his reaction, and helps you see what you’re thinking/feeling. It’s validating. You’re allowed to feel anything and everything you feel right now.
First of all, I’m super proud of you that you trusted your gut feeling and decided to check on him, as it would seem like a normal scene to anyone. Remember that suicidal doesn’t always look suicidal, so don’t blame yourself 🙂
Honey, there’s nothing you could have done. You have no reason to blame yourself but it’s completely normal to want to blame yourself. Everybody does this around this kind of thing.
I’m so glad that you found him and that he’s in the hospital.
Feel your feelings. Write them out in a diary is raw as you can. Maybe seek out somebody to talk to about it. I bet there’s support groups around locally. Or therapist. Or just a really close friend with some perspective. If you have a mentor or somebody like that you can talk to