I’ll be 32 this year and quite a few of my friends and family are pregnant or trying. It has me reflecting more on whether or not I want a child, though even if I do, it won’t be for a few years or so.
Here’s the thing… I want to raise a child but I have 0 interest in the stressful, sleepless baby phase. I have been around enough babies and kiddos to know this. I’d love to raise a kid who can walk and talk and feed themselves (at least).
Obviously, this is not an option. Yes, there’s adoption but for a number of reasons, I don’t think I’d want to go that route either.
I know this sounds irrational and maybe even selfish… but I just wondered if anyone felt the same?
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Pregnant with my second and I get it. They’re so much more fun from about 2. Babies are HARD.
For what it’s worth the baby part goes sooo quickly. Plus when they’re yours they’re so much nicer than other babies. That doesn’t help you at all but it’s absolutely not just you!
You sound like you’re ready to be a dad!!
Baby is easy as shit, it’s toddlers that you don’t want. Toddlers are demons from hell.
Nobody WANTS the sleepless nights. Like that’s not a thing anybody looks forward to lol.
It just depends how badly you want the kid phase and how badly you want to avoid babies.
Nothing worthwhile in life is 100% pleasant. But hard work/stress can be worth the end result.
It’s completely up to you what level of work you are willing to put in for a potential reward.
Part of me thinks having a fully grown kid would be cool…but there is pretty much no age of child I enjoy being around.
It’s just not worth likely hating my life for 18 years to potentially have a full grown kid that I may or may not have a good relationship with.
So for me, the work/reward isn’t worth it. You need to decide what your acceptable ratio is.
I couldn’t wait to get over the sleepless nights and 3.4 yrs later I still have a toddler waking in the night! It’s amazing how little sleep the body can survive on. You could nap when the baby naps (the most cliche/cringe thing everyone says to you)
I have an 8 month old and I dream of the day he’ll be more independent and less inclined to find several ways of attempting suicide per day. Oh and of the night he starts sleeping more than 4 hours in a row. That’d be awesome. Yes, it’s hard. But I live day by day and know it’ll eventually pass.
Maybe volunteering at Big Brothers &Big Sisters can help you pour into a little one’s life that needs your love and support.
It’s funny how everyone feels differently about the different stages haha.
I find the newborn stage (first three months) by far the hardest. And then it just easier and more enjoyable from there.
The good news is that the baby stage is the shortest!
I think it’s all worth it.
Girl, same. I have one and am contemplating a second, but really not looking forward to the baby phase. I wish there was a stork who could just drop off a two-year-old.
I would think about what supports you might have to help get you through those baby years. Do you have family who can help? Could you afford a night nanny for those sleepless nights? Is your partner willing to step up during the baby years in particular?
My first is 2 1/2 now and he’s delightful. Definitely worth it. But I absolutely hear you on not enjoying infants.
Honestly it depends on the kid. My daughter slept so well and was a chilled baby. Didn’t have a tantrum. She’s 8 now, I’m expecting awful teens haha
Lol. I wouldn’t mind having a baby (even through the sleepless nights and all that) but don’t want the ongoing responsibility of a kid.
Foster or adoption are your only decent choices.
As for indecent…well, you could give birth to a baby, pass the baby off to someone else for the first few years, then come back in the child’s life to take over raising them.
You have made No1 mistake of childless people. Assumed that you know how to be parent because you have been around other babies. Your baby will be different in every sense. And people complain a lot about hard parts of having newborn but it’s one of the best times also. There’s nothing like first smiles, snuggles, first words etc.
And with children stressful and sleepless phase never ends for one reason or another.
All phases of parenting are incredibly hard. And parenting doesn’t care what you’re “interested in.” You might get an absolute angel baby with a demon teenager phase. And so on.
Also, when you get pregnant you don’t get to pick your kid. What happens if your child is disabled and doesn’t ever walk or talk or feed themselves? It’s easy to say “I’ll love my kid no matter what” but it does not change the daily grind of parenting a child with profound needs, like an infant, for their entire life. (Speaking from experience here.)
It’s not irrational at all, and honestly I wish I get the way you do!
I have one kid. Tried for another but it hasn’t worked out. All the difficulties I’ve been through have made me realise something: I desperately want another baby (and you’d think I wouldn’t, after the nightmare baby that my son was!) but I don’t want to raise another child. Life is good. I love my son more than life itself and have absolutely no desire to change our relationship by bringing another kid into the mix. But I want a baby to snuggle.
To anyone in your situation I would say: yes, the baby phase is hard, but it passes so quickly. Before you know it, you have a little human who you can teach about the world, who develops in a different way every single day.
You have to think of those early months as an investment. If you want a cool, secure confident older kid you can have fun with you have to invest 2-3 years of broken sleep while you love and nurture them so they can become that kid. It’s exhausting, nobody enjoys the exhaustion but when they start to learn things and slowly calm down between ages 2 and 3 it feels so worth it. I’ve done it twice and it’s no joke, I’m not going to tell you it’s no big deal, I physically and mentally cannot do it a 3rd time. Only you know whether it’s worth it for you but now that my daughter is 8 I enjoy her company so much and I know our relationship is solid because of all those middle of the night cuddles. The 3 year old is still exhausting but also very sweet and funny. You have to do what’s right for you though and if all that sounds like too much then maybe get a dog.
Do you have a village who could watch the baby while you catch up on sleep? Or the funds for a night nurse who can do the nighttime feeds and changes?
Yes, I get that and made the decision not to have a baby.
If this is how you feel you shouldnt have kids. Someone brought up a very good point. What if you have a special needs child? That means a lifetime of them needing your constant care.
Having a special needs child is not something people often consider when deciding to have kids but it is a very real possibility and you shouldnt go into it without thinking about that out come and how you will handle it / if you would be able to handle it.
You’re right, they can walk, talk, and feed themselves.
And they won’t want to eat this, and they won’t want to eat that. So you’ll make food especially for them so they’ll eat, and dinner is extra effort most nights.
And they won’t want to go to bed when they’re supposed to. Maybe they’ll lay in bed and holler for you. Or you’ll have to keep checking on them every night to make sure they’re not sneak playing. Then they don’t want to get up in the mornings for school, so you’re getting upset because they just won’t listen.
And you have to figure out how to get them to and from school. For a couple of years I took my 1 hour lunch as 2 half-hour lunches. One to eat, the other to to get them from school and drive them home, which took the whole half-hour.
And they always want this and that. And you’ll tell them no and they’ll ask why. “Well so and so has this, and so and so has that.”
Quite honestly, everyone would go back to having the baby if they could. Kids are NOT a walk in the park. I like to say that the terrible 2s start at age 1 and never end.
Sounds like you’re looking for a single dad. I don’t think it’s selfish at all, plenty of kids get adopted for this reason, right? I will say that chemical changes in the brain that comes with being sleep deprived during feedings and night changes is pretty influential on bonding , but it’s not the only way to love a child. A it’s not rare to hear that a lot of parents flat out wish they could fast forward through the hard times. People used to tell me, “Oh you’re going to miss these days, they go by so quick!” and I was like GOOD! I hope they do! But they were right.
Foster care! There are lots of kids out there who want and need the guidance of a safe adult with a clean home.
I have a 3mo and you’re right, this phase is HARD.
But the biological amnesia is UnReal. Her early weeks feel like a literal lifetime ago. They’re barely a memory at this point it just went so quickly. Same for labor and delivery for that matter.
And there is absolutely nothing like seeing Your baby hit new little milestones. Seeing her first smile, hearing her first giggle and seeing her learn to talk and roll and sit. Like it is a magical and welcomed dagger to the heart that makes all of the hard moments just disappear from mind.
It’s hard, but it’s also incredibly rewarding and wonderful and life changing. Just my experience thus far. I’d go through labor and delivery and the sleepless nights for the rest of my life if it still meant I got to hold her and love her and see her grow.
thankfully the baby phase is short lived in the life of the child.
i did not enjoy the baby phase for either of my children…but man…from 2 on, what fun! sadly, you have to get through the baby phase to get to all the other fun stuff.
the good news is that i am happy being a parent now and expect to be happy in the future. kids are awesome…the baby stage doesn’t last that long
Look for a single dad. Problem solved.
I’m pregnant with my second and just gotta say yeah the newborn phase is hard but it goes by quickly. My first is 2 and those first two years literally flew. I’m looking forward to the baby phase again bc I feel
Like I’m more confident, secure and less anxious this time around. Just know having a baby is not meant to be easy.
Yes, but like most worthwhile things in life, you gotta do the work to get there, and you’ll probably find that you enjoy the journey more than you imagined you would. Babies don’t keep, but neither do little kids. They will always be growing and changing and it’s heartbreaking and beautiful
100x yes!
I have never wanted a baby, zero interest in babies, babies are boring and ugly and high maintenance and suck the life energy from you.
So anyway, I’m pregnant right now and really looking forward to the toddler phase 😂😂
My thinking is regardless of how I feel about babies, it’s just a phase, I’ll get through it, and it’ll be worth it in the end. Plus I might even surprise myself and not totally hate the baby stage! But either way, they don’t stay babies for long, it’ll fly past.
Really? My husband and I would do the baby phase over and over again. It was magical. We really had the time and liberty to sink into it and relish it though. To each their own.
Hey have you considered fostering or adoption? I always wanted to be a mum but wasn’t quite ready. My partner came with a side kick, my incredible step son who I met just before he turned 2 (now 5 going on 15). No wiping bums, no sleepless nights, didn’t have to grow him myself but love him as my own 💖 genuinely the best of both worlds.
Just a thought, consider dating someone with a kid. If you both click and develop a deep connection before you ever meet the child, you would be a welcome presence in that kid’s life.
The love and nurturing shouldn’t go to waste, but this is a huge commitment and not to be taken lightly.
I feel the same having been through a baby stage. No thanks. I’d have another one if they could be born 18 months old. Toddlerhood is a breeze compared to the 4th trimester.