Hello! For context, I am 27. I went back to school in my mid-20s to do a career change and won’t graduate for a couple of years. I’m very excited about this career change but I am also starting to feel societal pressure to think about children. I don’t feel ready to have kids and there’s still lots that I want to do before then both with my career and lifestyle. I also feel like the right type of man to be a father wouldn’t be a 20-something year old or even a man in his early 30s. I have always been told to not have a kid past the age of 35. But even 35 feels like it’s too soon for me.
I would love to hear stories of women who found their partner in their 30s and had a kid a bit later. Just needing some perspective.
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just so you know, you dont have to have kids. If you want them great but if you dont, that’s also ok.
truthfully, as you get older the less energy you have and your body is just…different. I have friends who have young kids (we’re all in our late 40s/early 50s) and they are EXHAUSTED. Energy levels from 20s to 30s is very different. I feel that in your 20s you’re able to recover faster if say, your kids are up all night and you have to go back to work. I mean you’ll be tired but the level of exhaustion when this happens in your later years is so different.
people do adapt; mothers are so resilient and they will adapt at any age but just giving you some insight.
I think you first need to answer the question if you really want kids.
Then, I honestly, do think it’s worth thinking about the age you will be as your kids get older. I have a full time stepson, and do not have my own kids. But, I will say there are certainly benefits to being a younger parent. And, I am not conservative, or anything like that, we are as liberal as it gets. I just think something that’s nice about being younger and having a kid entering adulthood is that we have the energy to do things with him, and the energy to continue to build a new life after having parented.
I do think a lot of people only think about the baby and toddler years, and don’t think about their eventual adult child. What age do you want to be when your kid is an adult? I think it’s worth considering. If you have a kid at 30, you’ll be 50 when they are 20. This is still young, and you’ll have a lot of time together. That being said, plenty of women have kids at older ages, and some of this is out of your control. There’s no right or wrong choice, just different circumstances.
also, you can still do lots with your career and lifestyle as your kid gets older. It’s really the very young years that you cannot do anything but parent, but kids grow and become more independent. Lots of parents have more than 1 career, and changes throughout their parenting years.
The most important aspect is the person you have your kid with. Select carefully.
You know what? I feel you so so much! I’m 26 and have had similar thoughts running through my mind. What I told myself is “try not to listen to what is considered the right timing nor all the social pressure around it and just go with the flow”. The only thing you can know right about now is that you’re not feeling ready yet, and that is totally okay! You could try to focus on this new exciting career path and on all the discoveries you’ll able to do. When the right time will come you’ll know it, it may be than in a couple of years you’ll already have an amazing career and you’ll have found a partner you feel ready to have a family with, or it could take a bit longer to be in the right mindset and circumstances. We cannot know what will happen in the future, but the right moment will come to you when it has to, if it’s a bit before or later than what you’re imagining now it will be perfect anyways! Life has its way to surprise us, let it be unexpected and exciting without planning it too much, what we have in mind could turn out to be very different from reality.
You should do things are your own pace, and don’t feel like you have to have kids either. However, I will say that fertility isn’t something you can argue with- it really does start declining with age and makes it much harder to get pregnant, especially if you want more than one child. If you can’t afford fertility treatment, it might be very tricky to delay it for a long time after 35. And even with fertility treatment, it’s not a guarantee.
All I’m saying is, you shouldn’t feel pressured to have kids or even have them before you’re ready. But you should know that biology doesn’t really care about those things, that’s just a fact. There are many stats out there of women waiting later and later to have kids and then not being able to conceive or afford treatment.
Women have babies into their 50s now. While pricey you do have options for freezing eggs, ivf etc. I changed in my 30s (not about children) but just as a person. I’m confident and know myself now and I partly found that having and being competent a good job. Also you know you can lie to people right? If they get nosey say you have a giant cyst you need removed first and insurance won’t cover it, who cares lol
I thought this way too in my late 20tied and really enjoyed it. But something shifted for me, work and career became less important. I would rather be with friends and family than chase that promotion or learning a new skillset. I did do a new Masters at 33, and now pregnant with my first at nearly 35. I still enjoy work, I just do not give it the same space it used to have.
It’s ok to feel as you feel, it’s also ok to change your mind a few times along the way.
A sidenote is that we had troubles conceiving and had to do IVF, and I do wish we started trying earlier.
Because I have another 30 years left of work, travel, living etc all these things that I can still do with kids, having kids doesnt mean I won’t get promoted etc! But my body only had this time to try and have children.
How important is having children to you? If you’ll really regret not having them, then 35 is on the older end to start trying. It’s harder the older you are.
You’re right about needing to find the right partner. There are plenty of mature men in their early 30s though.
Respectfully, do you actually want children?
You mentioned you’re starting to feel societal pressure, but you don’t really seem to indicate why you personally want kids. It might be that it isn’t for you, or it’s something you don’t see as a priority and you’ll only have kids if the conditions are right (which is also totally fine).
If you do want children that is fair enough bit do understand that fertility does genuinely start to decrease to the extent just starting to think about trying at 35 means conceiving can be a challenge. This isn’t always the case of course, but something to think about.
Well scientifically the reason why 35 is considered geriatric pregnancy is because you’re eggs are super old at that point that you are up in risk for multiple things and plus harming your child. I’m not here to tell you don’t, but just consider the possibility. I’m doing my family tree lately and many of the women in my family had babies all the way up to ages 40 and above. Now from records what I can see is that most of there babies died around the 35 to 40 age mark, meaning every single one of the women had at least 1 death of a baby and all labeled there death as SIDS. Not saying it’ll happen to you but just remember the possibility especially living in the USA, we have HIGHEST rate of deaths for pregnant people than ANY other nation that is already developed. My mom decided to have me at age 39. Now, when I was born she already had previous births all fine. Carried to term. When she went into labor with me she did 3 days of back breaking hard labor, I finally decided to come out but I came out with her uterus. She had to go into surgery but they couldn’t save it. I was her last child. Now onto me. Being her last child you think I would be okay? Nope, due to the hard birth and because she was having kids when science told her to chill I have 28 chronic illnesses and 4 mental illnesses and 1 spine cracking and deteriorating all at the ripe age of 32. I was even allergic to her breast milk at birth. As you guessed it my mom and I have a bad relationship, because as I get older I keep having more and more problems and it’s hard living. I always tell people heed my warning because now I’m dying and it’s not fun but yet my mom got to live her life and do stuff and have had a babies. However you don’t need to actually carry a baby inside you nowadays since science helped with other things. You should freeze your eggs though before age 35 if you do want kids later. I’m sure the way science keeps developing hopefully women don’t have to ruin there bodies for making baby that’ll cause to a unborn.
While it’s not a guarantee, if you can freeze your eggs it’ll give you more time.