Was I (33M) The Problem, Or Were We (30F) Bad For Each Other?

Hi all. I’m here to genuinely reflect and ask for honest, thoughtful feedback. This post is long, but I think it deserves the full context. Please don’t hold back, but I ask that you also consider the entire picture with care.

I am 33 and recently ended a 3.5-year relationship with someone I loved very deeply. We broke up in February, reconciled in May, and split again a few weeks ago for the same reasons that caused the first breakup. I’m grieving, confused, and questioning whether I was the one who caused most of the damage, or whether the relationship itself was unhealthy and misaligned from the beginning.

Our Living Situation and Early Dynamics

We lived together in two different homes that I owned. She paid rent, which was significantly below market, and we split utilities. At times, she resented paying me rent, saying she was “paying my mortgage.” That comment hurt, but I tried to understand her point of view. I also tried to support her financially by signing her up for bank bonuses and encouraging her to build savings.

In the beginning, we didn’t fight often, but we did have disagreements about money. I was raised to be very frugal and expected a 50/50 split, which may have made her feel like I wasn’t willing to take care of her the way she wanted. I can admit now that I didn’t always communicate this in a sensitive way. I also wasn’t completely rigid. I paid for dinners and took care of things here and there, but I understand how she might have felt unsupported at times.

One example that stands out was when we got a dog. We agreed early on that he would be mine because I was covering the majority of the cost. But the day after we brought him home, she got upset until I agreed to let her call him hers too. It was a small moment, but one that felt like a pattern of caving to avoid conflict.

When Things Started to Change

When we moved into our second home together, the tension became more noticeable. Fights happened more often and became more intense. She would scream, slam doors, and sometimes drive off after an argument. One time, after we fought at a party where I didn’t want to dance, she hit me several times while I was driving. I still don’t fully understand why I didn’t walk away then. Maybe it was love, or maybe I thought things would get better if I just held on.

There were other moments that left a mark. I was locked out of our bedroom multiple times after fighting. I was yelled at in front of others at times. I was criticized for prioritizing friends or family over her. And recently after reconnecting with her, I was made to feel like I needed to constantly prove my commitment or loyalty to her, and that I was the reason we had to split up the first time around.

At the same time, she could be incredibly thoughtful. She gave me meaningful gifts on my birthday and on holidays. She showed care in ways that were sincere. That duality made it hard to leave. When someone can be both loving and unpredictable, it creates a cycle that’s very difficult to untangle.

The Marriage Pressure

This is where I know I hurt her.

In October, we went to Italy on vacation. She asked if we could start looking at rings once we got back. I said yes, even though I didn’t feel ready. I said yes because I didn’t want to disappoint her, and I hoped I would eventually feel right about it.

We went ring shopping sooner than planned, and while she was excited, I was not. I left that experience filled with dread. Still, I kept pretending everything was fine. That was a major mistake. I was afraid of losing her, so I kept stalling and making empty promises. I convinced myself that it was just cold feet. That I’d come around.

She began asking more often when I was going to propose. I avoided the question or gave vague timelines. Her pressure increased, and my internal conflict deepened. She pushed, and I shrank. I should have told the truth much earlier, but I was paralyzed by fear of what that truth would do to her, and to us.

There were ultimatums. I remember one time I told her I couldn’t propose on a certain day because a close friend of mine was planning to propose then. She locked me out of the bedroom for that. The final straw came on her birthday. She had driven with me to buy the ring. That night, after dinner, I didn’t propose because earlier that day she had told me it was okay if I didn’t. But when I didn’t follow through, she got physically aggressive again. She hit me in the shoulders and kicked me in the groin.

Trying Again and Letting Go

When we reconnected in May, I came back willing to try again slowly. I apologized to her and to her parents, even though her dad told me I didn’t need to. I meant it. I was committed to healing things over time, but she wanted immediate proof of commitment. Either a proposal or buying a home together. When I asked to take things more gradually, I felt dismissed again. She made it clear that unless I made a major move right away, there was no path forward. That pressure became too much, and I ended it.

Why I’m Writing This

I still love her. I miss her terribly. And I feel guilt every day about how I handled things, especially around the marriage pressure. I lied to avoid hurting her, and in doing so, I made things worse. But I also feel like there were parts of this relationship that I wasn’t allowed to talk about without being told I was making excuses or deflecting.

I am not claiming to be a perfect partner. I had serious flaws. But I also don’t believe I was abusive, cruel, or emotionally manipulative. I tried to hold things together even when I felt like I was falling apart. I lied to protect us, when I should have told the truth and accepted the fallout. I take full responsibility for that.

Still, I was also hit more than once. I was screamed at, cornered, and pressured into things that didn’t feel right to me. When I tried to explain how I felt, I often felt dismissed or blamed.

This is not about calling her a narcissist. I don’t believe she is. And I don’t think I am either. I think we were two people who loved each other, but who became reactive, fearful, and stuck. I think we both had wounds that shaped how we loved, and I think our fears got louder than our connection.

So, was I the one who ruined this? Was I the person who made it all fall apart? Or were we just not right for each other, no matter how hard we tried?

I’m open to honest feedback. I’m not looking for sympathy, just clarity. I want to grow. I want to heal.

Thanks for reading.

TL/DR: We’re my apprehensions of proposing justified by her behavior, or did I cause this rift that pushed us over the edge?