I’m feeling really confused and would appreciate outside perspectives. A guy I was friends with and I shared a bed during a group trip. He said he only felt comfortable sharing with me, and we agreed to platonically cuddle to stay warm.
But I woke up in the middle of the night and he had his hand under my bra, touching and squeezing my breasts and nipples. Later, he also touched my stomach, my butt, and put his hand down the front of my pants (I wasn’t wearing underwear). I didn’t say anything or stop him, partly because I was still half-asleep and shocked. I just kind of froze.
He later claimed it was an accident and that he only touched my bra. That doesn’t feel true to what happened. I didn’t break down or react strongly in the moment, and now I keep wondering—was this sexual assault? I feel like I didn’t give clear signals to stop, but I never consented to anything sexual, especially not while asleep.
I’m having trouble understanding what this was or how to feel about it.
Comments
Hey, I would like to tell you that it is totally normal to freeze up in a situation like that. He assaulted you. You know what happened, and the world might try to convince you otherwise but trust your gut. I hope for your safety in the future.
Molestation
This is sexual assault for sure.
I am sorry you went through this. Do you need anything? It’sokay you didn’t say stop you froze. That is not an unusual reaction to being assaulted (I was a psych nurse for 15 years). Have you spoken to anyone about this? Please get any help you need.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Yes this is sexual assault.
That sounds like assault. You didn’t consent, and it’s not your fault. You’re not alone support is out there.
It’s really common to go through things like this and only understand/ fully process what happened later. I’m so sorry this happened.
Freezing can happen when you’re scared.
This wasn’t your fault. You did not consent to any of that.
100%
He sexually assaulted you.
I’m so sorry.
Also, never “platonically cuddle” with anyone. (Was that bullshit his idea?)
I’m really glad you weren’t raped. Please find someone to talk to to unpack this.
This is definitely assault. Just because you didn’t tell him to stop doesn’t mean you gave him permission. Those are 2 separate actions. Instead of apologizing immediately – he downplayed your concerns with a half ass apology.
he should have asked permission first.
That was NO Accident. He took advantage of you and violated you!
Yes.
You did not give clear permission. He thought you were sleeping. You agreed to share a bed platonically.
No was said in all of that.
When we are caught off guard, it’s normal for our voice to go away. It took me years of therapy to learn that. And to forgive myself for not speaking up. Much like you, it was a friend who decided to get cheap feels when I was resting.
The next time a different friend tried, I was fully awake, still lost my voice, but bit, kicked and punched. That’s a clear no, too.
Yes
absolutely…when it happen to me or people around me, we’ll confront him for what he doing
You assaulted him.
Definition of sexual assault sweetie
I think it’s sexual assault. That’s why he only wanted to cuddle with you.
This was DEFINITELY sexual assault, and he was lying about it being an “accident”. He never asked you for consent before he touched you.
Believe me, I have dealt with enough guys to know, he was LYING.
Tell an adult you trust IMMEDIATELY. He had NO RIGHT to do this to you.
You are the victim here, not him.
And if he’s doing it to you, he will probably try to do it to other women.
I could see him accidentally touching your butt or stomach while cuddling if he was also asleep.. but from the way you described all of the touching I don’t see that being the case. There is no way he was touching your breast UNDER your bra or putting his hand down your pants in his sleep. I know OP didn’t say that what he claimed I’m just explaining my thought process on this. Either way OP stated this sleeping arrangement was to be platonic cuddles only. Everything else he did was very much assault. It is more normal to freeze up in this situation than a lot of people think.
Assault
First off, yes this is sexual assault.
Second there might be a small chance he is being truthful about it being an accident in his sleep. HOWEVER as someone who has wandering hands in his sleep, there is 0 chance of him not knowing that this happens.
People will mention it, you become aware of it. And thus the obvious thing to do is not sleep with anyone you’re platonic with. I only sleep with my significant other and she knows this about me. There are usually two outcomes, she gets in the mood and wakes me up or she smacks me on the head (with my permission).
I have tried to manage it, but the only thing that seems to work is being exhausted to a state where I can barely move.
A higher likelihood is him taking advantage of the situation and trying to brush it off. And I say higher, since personally I haven’t met anyone with the same issue as me or well they don’t speak about it.
….. you felt comfortable sharing a bed with a friend of the opposite sex…. And you were comfortable enough to skip wearing underwear while in the same bed…. And you didn’t even build a barrier between yourselves…. I think you’re the two people in the friend group who are attracted to each other. You’d ruin it for yourself most if you actually have deeper feelings for this friend because if you do you should go for it rather than reject it. If not, then don’t ever put yourself in a compromising situation again.
Sorry, but I do not agree with the comments above that this is for sure sexual assault.
I am a woman who experienced something similar years ago but I do not see it as I was assaulted at all.
People don’t always say what they mean and when you agreed to platonically cuddle that could have been sending a mixed message. It’s not unreasonable for him to have seen this as having romantic interest.
I understand your feelings of not telling him to stop bc you were scared or shocked or even just half asleep. But it also sometimes happens in consenting encounters that one person is slower to reciprocate. I don’t think giving active consent early on always happens, and I think it’s reasonable for him to have thought you were interested.
From what you described, it’s not clear to me that it’s assault. Maybe it was but I think this is a gray area.
Clearly he feels uncomfortable or guilty or scared or just awkward so is not handling it well.
Personally, I think having the mindset that you were assaulted is not helpful or empowering. A much more empowering perspective is that you didn’t know how to advocate for yourself or what boundaries you felt comfortable setting, and you can learn from that experience for the future.
Of course who knows if he would have respected those boundaries if you had asserted them, but I don’t see reason to assume that he wouldn’t have.
It seems like you enjoy him in a platonic way. Possibly, it felt good but you just are not interested in him that way. I think he felt warm with you and regrets it as you don’t want to break a friendship. I think assault is touch and I have been brutally attacked in my like so I do not want to minimize your feelings. We do often freeze when we are being molested or confused. It’s natural to feel like we should have screamed no or done more. He is minimizing this and gaslighting you. This is true. Regardless , your feelings are valid and I would just protect yourself in the future but this is not your fault. I am not sure what his intentions were as we need more context of this friendship. You can be clear that you absolutely felt violated and he is lucky that you were startled and now conflicted about letting him off the hook for his terrible lack of boundaries. I am so sorry.
There called words, use them. Platonically cuddle come on seriously. Also he may have been asleep believe it or not. The fact is you don’t know he doesn’t I would just not platonically cuddle with anyone you don’t platonically want you feeling up. Please people quit fucking this world up for people who don’t want to sign a contract to make out with someone etc.
Yes it was did you give him consent to touch you or did he give himself consent if you didn’t give him consent yes you were assaulted
yesthis was sexual assault. consent cant happen when youre asleep and freezing doesnt mean you agreed , it means you were scared and caught off guard. none of this is your fault. what he did was wrong, and your feelings are 100% valid. You deserve support and healing. ❤️
Sweetheart this person is not your friend. Start the process of disentanglement. I think you ‘were still half asleep’, out of basic fear. If you opened your eyes then there was a very real issue of his ‘accidental sexual touching’ becoming rpe! NEVER make excuses for a man’s sht behaviour. You have been warned. Not by me, but by this potentially bad man himself. Don’t ever doubt yourself with regard to ‘consent’. If it feels wrong, then it probably is. If you need legal advice, yes it’s sexual assault: would you get a conviction? Probably not. Please sweetheart, I’ll finish as I started, HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND … the greater percentage of sexual assaults are made by people we know. Lesson learned but please be careful in future. 👩🏽🦳❤️
I am going to differ from the prevailing comments and look at the situation differently. No, I don’t think it’s sexual assault. I think that it’s indicative of a terrible lack of judgment and common sense on your part, and verges on being reckless behavior. You both bear significant responsibility!
Yes this is sexual assault
You did nothing wrong. But he did. What you want to do is up to you. I think it is obvious that you should not be alone with him ever again. I would consider not be around him at all, tbh. But I think you need to know that being in shock is super common and people freeze. Freezing does not mean consent and not wearing underwear does not give him a right to do any of that.