I(26F) finally opened up to my new therapist about my recent breakup.
I was telling her about our dynamic and how I did so much for him (33M) even after the breakup, and on his birthday I took cake for him where no one showed up (just his flatmates and me) and we had sex. But the next day he very harshly told me he never sees a future with me.
I was trying to highlight how problematic his alcoholism was, and that on his birthday he drank to the point where he threw up. And she said “yeah but he was drunk to point of throwing up and you still slept with him”. I was a little taken aback by this. Did she mean that I sexually assaulted him?
I was drunk as well, he initiated the sex and also asked for my consent, and throughout he night he was dominant and it was even hard for me to get him to stop he was so keen.
The next day he remembered everything we did. Am I a bad person for sleeping with him? He only threw up because he forced it and didn’t want a hangover the next day. How do I clarify this with the therapist? I’m concerned she thinks I’m a r*pist. 🙁
Comments
[deleted]
You need a new therapist. While there’s a lot to parse and technicalities to argue, I do not believe this is SA at all – you were *BOTH* drunk. He initiated. You didn’t have the power. She should not have made you feel that way and, honestly, those kind of vagaries in therapist speech annoy me (it’s already a vulnerable person paying for literal help). If she genuinely thought this was an issue to discuss, she should have been upfront and addressed it with you.
Actual therapist here, but not female. But since I’m in the field I thought my input might help. But I am mainly speaking here as a therapist who also sees therapists, so this isn’t an intervention.
Keep in mind therapists can and do often make mistakes, even in their choice of word. We try not to of course. I wonder if your therapist is, as we speak, kicking herself for her word choice. It’s hard to say. I try not to judge other therapists too hard because I know I might be the next one to goof up.
Either way, no. I don’t think you did SA and I doubt your therapist meant to imply it and if they really meant it that way, they would be wrong to do so if you told them this story the same way you told it to us. You should just ask her. If she is worth anything as a therapist I am sure it will be cleared up in a few minutes.
It does sound like that’s what your therapist was saying. If you guys had not soberly discussed consent around drunk sex, then the intoxicated person can’t consent. Whoever initiates and performs sexual acts upon somebody passed the point of consent commits SA. Even if they’re both drunk.
You were both drunk, he initiated, did he say stop or no at any time? Did you threaten him? did you black mail him? Was he passed out? If no them no you did not. You have a drinking problem too and get a new therapist.
The only person who can decide if it was a violation is the survivor. Does your ex think it was rape?
I don’t want to assume what your therapist meant by saying that but it would concern me if she felt comfortable labelling something as SA without exploring it with your first and I would question if she’s assuming that inebriation nullifies consent.
I also wanna know what you mean by:
>he initiated the sex and also asked for my consent, and throughout he night he was dominant and it was even hard for me to get him to stop he was so keen.
’cause that last part is says something.
>And she said “yeah but he was drunk to point of throwing up and you still slept with him”. I was a little taken aback by this. Did she mean that I sexually assaulted him?
I mean, tone is everything and none of us were in the room with you to hear this, so I have no idea what she meant. If it was accusatory in tone, I would just drop the therapist altogether. The last thing you need in a healing, safe space is someone who judges you, especially if they do so without taking the time to fully understand the situation. Fuck that noise. (And for the record, no, you did not assault your boyfriend.)
However, an alternative possibility is that she is prompting you to reflect on your own agency and choices here. Is it healthy for you that you slept with your boyfriend even though he was that drunk? I’ve never had a BF with alcohol problems, but I’ve been around wasted people before and it’s not exactly a turn-on. You were drunk too, of course, but a series of choices led you to that point. His alcoholism is problematic, but you can’t control that. The only person you can control is yourself. Am I to understand that you brought him this cake and slept with him after the break up? Girl. Girl.
No, it doesn’t sound like you assaulted him, but choosing to sleep with him shows that your self-esteem and self-respect are not in a healthy place. Like I said, dump this therapist if you really get the vibe that she thinks you did something you didn’t, but please don’t give up on therapy entirely. It seems like you have a long journey ahead of you. I wish you luck on it.
If you can’t directly ask your therapist this question then you need a new therapist.
From what you said, it looks like he was more about you making bad choices than abusing him.
Ehh your therapist just kinda sounds like an asshole. If you were both drunk, he initiated, and also remembered you didn’t really do anything wrong.
I think it was more like “you were concerned about his drinking and still had sex with him”
More of a reflection/summary statement than an intention to accuse you of assaulting him.
It sounds more like she was trying to get you to recognise and scrutinise your own values. To me this sounds like she was challenging you to consider that you put yourself in a situation where you engaged in sex in an emotionally unsafe and manipulative way.
Even if it was consensual, how were you respecting and caring for yourself under those circumstances?
It can be very difficult to recognise, as women, how our culture influences us and when we should say no to sex, since we’re pressured from all angles to submit, but it is very empowering to decline, even if you can/would consent, you should learn to recognise when you shouldn’t, especially for your own sense of self worth.
It’s difficult to summarise this in so many words, but I hope that makes sense and opens you up to an alternative view point.
When he recounted the events of the night before, how did he sound ? Did he give any clues whether he was happy or upset about it?
Technically, if he was that inebriated, he could not consent. No consent means, well, you know. But it sounds like you weren’t fully aware how drunk he really was. You didn’t violate consent intentionally. If he’s an alcoholic, he may have been half drunk most of the time you two had sex. It might have been normal and he was fine with it.
You could ask the therapist next time for a clarification and explore the topic more.
So you were also drunk so was he and this therapist tries to blame you?
You said in the comments below that he stopped you from sleeping so he could have sex. Have you told this to your therapist?
I’m gonna say ditch both of them, no one deserves to blame you for someone else’s mistakes.