Was this rape?
I am a med student (21F) who went out with a doctor (28M) to watch a movie. He had flirted with me before and I flirted back. Couple days passed by and he asked for my number and proceeded to ask me on a date to watch a movie. The date was in his house and I left it very clear, before accepting, that I wasn’t going to have sex or anything else with him.
When I arrived the TV was already playing and I just sat with him and watched it, quietly. Then he suddenly tried to kiss me which I pushed him away. I said the same as before and that for anything to ever happen I would have to know him more.
He responded with “then ask me what you wanna know about me”. I made some questions and he made some back, meanwhile touching my arm/back/neck. Then he tried again to kiss me, which I once again pushed him.
After this he stopped the movie immediately and started saying things like “what would be different if we did it after one month talking versus now” and “I’m to old to be running around a girl that is trying to make herself difficult”. Now I, stupidly, started justifying that I only wanted to feel more comfortable and that I did like him and didn’t mean for everything to end abruptly. He then started kissing me more “aggressively” and I didn’t do anything, I basically just rolled with it.
He asked me to go to his room. I said, once again, I didn’t wanna have sex. He said “We won’t do anything, it’s just to be more comfortable”. He went and I went after him (I know, stupidly), he kept the lights off and I could barely see anything. He started once again kissing me, than he tried to take my shirt which I stopped him. He said “There’s many ways to give you pleasure without penetration” to which I didn’t answer, I froze by now, and he took it out. He proceeded to take my pants and then, when he tried to take my underwear, I stopped him again to which he replied with “I’m just gonna play with it”.
From now on I only remember pain and dissociation. He asked multiple times if I was feeling pain which I said yes. Other things he said I couldn’t hear/wasn’t paying attention. My body was there but I was somewhere else, it was like I was narrating what was happening in my head, as if I was an outsider – “now it’s to late to stop”, “I hope he does it with a condom”, “now he is doing x or y” and so on. He asked and I kept saying I was fine so it would end faster.
He was above me and Eventually he moved. I didn’t get why at first but when I put my hand on my belly I realised he came on it. He cleaned it and gave me a towel and put me in the shower. I felt like a zombie, I wasn’t even processing what happened and I just stood under the shower. Then he yelled that he threw my clothes on the ground near the door for me to wear. I was shocked. I got dressed and asked if he wanted me to leave now and he said no.
He sat me down and said “So do we go from this to a relationship or not?”. I was still like a zombie and so confused. Then he continued that he didn’t want it. First he said that it was because I was younger and would be to stressed which exams. Then because his passion is medicine and as an emigrant he could easily lose everything to which I wouldn’t understand cause this is my country. I was so confused with what he was saying. He finished with the reason that he just didn’t like me and didn’t wanna hurt me.
I asked why then he did all of this, knowing I said I didnt want it to happen, and he said he couldn’t resist. I burst into tears and I left. He tried calling me multiple times and left some text messages that were the following:
-
I’m sorry, tell me if you got home or not?
-
Please.
-
Please, tell me, are you home, I am worried about you.
-
Please, tell me something?
I never answered. I took screenshot of everything and then deleted his number. When I got home I showered again. There was blood on my underwear and the area in all swollen and in pain.
I don’t wanna ruin my future. I’m also very scared that he might tell someone his version of events and it will be my word (student) against his (doctor). He isn’t directly my tutor, by his is friends and coworker with my clinical tutor (25F).
I’m sorry if it’s confusing and bad written. This happened in less than 12h ago. I took a nap and woke up feeling nauseous and in a panic attack. I can’t still quite figure this all thing out. Is this rape if I froze and didn’t yell/screamed at him?
Comments
THIS IS RAPE. Go to the ER and get a rape kit. Go to the police and file a report.
Learn from this and NEVER go to another man’s room unless you plan to have sex. Men are Horrible.
Hi, I’m really sorry this happened to you. From what you described, the answer is sadly yes, it was rape. You clearly expressed that you didn’t want to, and he continued despite that. Consent must be clear, continuous, and respected. He knew what he was doing, and he chose to ignore your boundaries. Please know that what happened was not your fault, and you deserve support and healing.
Yes, this is rape. I’m so sorry. Please tell someone at your school. He will do this to other women if you don’t say anything. I know it’s difficult and you feel young and like he has the power but you were assaulted and he is the one that should be worried about losing everything.
I am so sorry sweetheart. You were sexually assaulted.
I have been where you are. You might feel like this is your fault but it is not in any way, shape or form. You said no. He bullied you, took advantage of you and hurt you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He is scum.
Please don’t ignore how you are feeling, or try to ignore it until it goes away. It won’t. Get therapy as soon as you can.
You should report this to the police. Get a rape kit as soon as you can. He should not have access to vulnerable people in his professional capacity.
♥️
Any form of sex which is not consensual is rape. Even if he had coerced you into saying yes it would still be rape. This is so disgusting and I’m so sorry it happened to you. Something similar happened to me. I think you should go to the ER and ask to get a rape kit done. You should ask yourself if you want to press charges. I would strongly suggest you do especially since he’s in a position of authority and is a Dr. Who’s to say he hasn’t done this to other medical students? What if he does it again? I know it’s scary and I’m so very sorry this happened to you. You can call 1-800-656-4673 if you want to speak to somebody about it. I’m also here if you need any support my DMs are open to chat 🩷 I hope you find peace in this dark time. Please know it was not your fault, he’s just a sick man.
This is 100% rape.
Holy crap, honey. I work in a medical school and, with today’s climate, report it. They take this seriously. Go right to the er and start the process. This guy is not a doctor. He’s a monster.
I’m really sorry this happened to you. Yes, what you described is rape you clearly said no multiple times, and he ignored your boundaries and manipulated you. Freezing is a common trauma response; it doesn’t make it any less valid. You did nothing wrong. Please consider getting medical care and talking to someone you trust or a professional. You deserve support, safety, and healing.
Yes, he raped you.
If you’re in the US:
gather your clothes, don’t wash them, if possible keep them in a paper bag.
1-800-656-4673 is a rape crisis hotline, they can help you figure out next steps
Alternatively you can call 911 (this is an emergency, the non emergency number will transfer you to 911 dispatch) or just go to the ER
If you are swollen and in pain, you have physical evidence of injury that needs to be documented as soon as possible.
I’m so sorry OP.
yes this is rape. get a kit done. the TINEST about is enough. they’ll know by the bruising and everything. they’ll believe you
it’s rape 🙁 i’m so so sorry! my heart is hurting for you, i hope you’re doing well. i understand you’re scared to report it, and i won’t say that you should, it’s on you. that guy should be in prison! you should still go to the hospital tho
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Freezing is a completely normal trauma response, and the fact that you said no multiple times and he kept pushing is absolutely not okay. This was not your fault. It sounds like coercion at best and rape at worst. Please consider talking to a counselor or a support service in your area they can help guide you through what to do next. You deserve to be safe, heard, and supported.
You were raped. Report him
This was rape I am so sorry you need to report this to the police and the hospital
” He asked and i kept saying it was fine” ….. regardless of what you expected to occur? You just gave him consent. No means NO….
No doesnt mean…. OK JUST HAVE UR WAY WITH ME SEXUALLY SO THIS CAN BE OVER.
Doesn’t take a genius and certainly not a doctor to know that’s rape. How he didn’t know or didn’t want to stop is awful regardless.
Yes that’s rape and absolutely should be reported
Textbook, deffintionally rape.
Need clarification: You clearly were uncomfortable at first, but you mentioned he asked you something during sex and you kept saying you were fine?
I think you were definitely coerced into it. All rape is sexual coercion, but not all sexual coercion is rape.
I’m sorry this happened to you
My husband works at a med school, you can go to someone at your university instead of someone at the hospital you are placed at. You have resources you can you but go get a rape kit ASAP. No means no
This man is a predator and should not be trusted to be a doctor. Report him! Do you want him to do this to someone else?
Yes. It’s rape. Go to the police.
Yes girl. Report it please. If you’re comfortable to do so. But most importantly, stay away from him.
Yes that’s rape and it’s very common to question if it was. You didn’t want it, he forced it on you end off. It wasn’t sex it doesn’t count as a body it’s assault and a form of violence. People who rape have never felt control in their lives so they prey on women. It’s disgusting. don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything about it. The choice to pursue court is “YOUR choice”
Anything that isn’t an enthusiastic “yes!” is at the very minimum SA. ANYTHING! But this isn’t just SA, this is rape. (I use “just” not to say SA of any kind is easier to experience but to denote this specific SA scenario absolutely falls under the legal and social category of “rape”)
1.) I’m so sorry this happened OP. I can’t express my sympathies enough. Please go to your trusted support system if that is available to you. Therapy and SA support groups can be invaluable resources. Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.
2.) REPORT HIM! With the caveat it will not cause you physical harm (stalking, violent repercussions, etc.) You deserve to have your voice heard and listened to. Paper trails are important. I can’t promise your story will be the one that makes the courts hold him accountable (I live in the US so I have a very pessimistic view of the court system). But people like him are repeat offenders and one day down the line your story could be useful for other victims, if you don’t get the justice you deserve in the present.
3.) Do NOT blame yourself. Your body did what it had to do to keep you alive and as “safe” as it could giving what you endured. Would rejecting him harder have made him stop? Maybe. Or maybe you wouldn’t be alive to tell your story. Would walking out have stopped it? Maybe. Or maybe he would’ve ruined your career anyway. Men like him are vile, disgusting human trash and no matter what steps you might be regretting you kept yourself alive. That is a wonderful thing. You are strong and capable. You did what you had to do and because of that you are here. And I am so happy you are here.
Go to the police. Take your clothing. Save all the text messages.
I scrolled through the comments before replying and boy, I am PISSED OFF, but I’ll summarize
I’m so sorry, and yes this was rape. I strongly encourage you to report it for a number of reasons, most of them stated here. However, only you know what you can handle. It’s up to you. Speaking to another woman about this would probably be very helpful, another med student or another doctor?
Every single person telling you that this is in any way your fault can go straight to Hell. Allllllll the way down, hang out with the rapists that they’re excusing. You said no. Then, you did what was necessary to get out without violence. Freezing/fawning is a common response to sexual assault, and frankly it saves lives.
Even if you decide not to report now, document everything. Bruises, texts (with him, with anyone who knew where you were going, etc), GPS location from your phone, everything. Again, I strongly encourage you to at least report him to your school or university, but if you delay for some reason, you need that evidence in tact. I’m not sure what it’s worth, but this reddit thread may also serve as evidence, since you’re divulging details to us.
I’m so sorry. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling right now. On the other side of that, remember that this is not your fault, the shame is not yours to carry, and this man deserves whatever hell you can bring down upon him.
Yes, you were raped. Regardless of that, you violated Rule #2. You may have permanently ruined your future at the hospital. If you think he isn’t going to badmouth you to prevent you from ruining his reputation, you have another think coming.
There’s not much you can do. If you file rape charges, you’ll never be able to stay at that hospital. If you don’t file and hope it’ll go away, he will end up ruining your reputation out of fear you WILL file. Girl, sorry, but you blew it. That does NOT excuse his raping you, but even if you’d just watched a movie, you blew it.
Rule #1: Coworkers are NOT your friends. Be cordial but not friendly. Never trust them with personal information, office secrets you’ve learned, or money interactions. And always remember that they WILL throw you under the bus if it saves their job or gets them the promotion.
Rule #2: Don’t shit where you eat. NEVER have a romantic relationship with a coworker, especially if you aren’t on the same grade-level. It almost always ends badly and one person ends up having to leave.
Rule #3: Never get drunk (not even tipsy) at a company function. It doesn’t matter if the open bar is free and the drinks are flowing. Do NOT over drink.