we (22F) (21M) are too intertwined

scroll down for TL;DR

me and my ex have known each other for about five years. our relationship was sweet and innocent yet so awfully deep. we were very, very in love each other so much so that it was awfully painful when it ended. ive got BPD (undiagnosed at the time of breakup) and he had some problems with drugs and drinking. he became cold and withdrawn and i became hot and anxious. ultimately we weren’t well enough to be with each other. it was a really sad and cold break away from him considering how in treasured it was to the both of us.

he was a kind boyfriend, more than kind. he was comforting and knew how to love in ways i could understand. all the parts that made me weird, he loved me even more for. he had a hard shell that i could easily crack open. he was soft and gentle. i’d never felt this way for anyone before. he admits now that it’s the same for him.

fast forward from 2021 to 2024 and he reached out to me on new years day, pretty much as the clock struck midnight. it was tough we reconciled and it didn’t feel like old times, only better. we somewhat tried again but i wasnt happy with some of the gaps in his behaviour, he sometimes forgot to appreciate me and took me for granted. even though he loved me, he just didn’t show it enough. i did the best thing for me and split things off from him and to call him out on his behaviour, leaving him quite emotional one night in the bath as id said it. i believe he was quite depressed for a few days after which i still feel guilt over.

anyways, id gotten with two people since we stopped talking, id say i definitely got over him but i did think of him from time to time, this was over about ten months. i then got a message from him in september of 2024 reaching out and thanking me for helping aid him in his journey to leaving his awful job. i was cross at first and didn’t want to hear from him but his job was awful so i did want to hear how he was doing. i confided in him about the guy id met and really fell for. he was such an awful person though who’s definitely left some scars, i also feel guilty about this but my ex said i needn’t worry as he was here for me. after this, we were on good terms but just weren’t dating, there was nothing romantic on my end, i dont think there was on his end either. i met some irish guy during us being friends and he seemed okay with it but usually would tell me how they weren’t the one for me, not out of selfishness but because they were genuinely odd people i’d meet.

i stopped seeing people all together and just focused on myself. however, sometimes we’d send ‘photos’ to each other, it’s probably obvious what this means. we sometimes get carried away and have a lot of chemistry and the whole ‘what if we tried again’ sentence pops up and then we never speak of it.

i had a little break from him once in between for a month or so as i was going through a lot and he’s not always the most sensitive type, he tries to be but he didn’t deserve my time at this point as he was too busy wasting it by ignoring what id say and talking about things unrelated to the serious things i was talking about. i wasnt mad but needed a break from him to seek out real help.

recently though, we’d been getting a lot closer. we’d been messaging more and calling. the calls were always intimate and sentimental, once again leading the question ‘what if we tried again’ usually for us to be like, ‘i think we’re worlds apart sometimes’. he’d often tell me he loved me on these calls and messages too.

we met exactly a week ago for the first time since 2024 and it was lovely. we laughed, we told funny stories, we spoke about things important to us, i even tried some new food (houmous, it was sooo good). he once again told me he loved me and said he spoke to me whilst i was asleep and what he said was a secret.

since we aren’t in a relationship, i told him before i left that we probably shouldn’t be messaging as much or being intimate as much as it’s too intense. he mildly nodded.

since then ive not really heard too much from him which is understandable considering what i said. the problem ive got now is that its hurting. i think ive opened an old wound from 2021 and am slowing gravitating towards him again. this is so scary as we didnt work the first time yet we’ve been intertwined in each others lives for so long. some people say we belong together, some dont. he has commitment issues which have stemmed from childhood and past experiences, maybe he just doesn’t want one with me im thinking? im unsure, but i deeply regret opening this wound as i feel our love is doomed, like he’ll never be mine again or we just wont work. he’s the one person it took me leaps and bounds to move on from. im very unwell at the moment with other mental health conditions, i suffer greatly from paranoia and have experienced psychosis which i think is creeping back. im not sure if its stress induced from this so ive taken a step back regardless. anyways. what conversations need to be had? do i just leave it or does this sound like it’s worth fighting for? i want to fight but only if he does, and this im unsure of.

TL;DR
me and my ex of five years are incredibly close. we never worked as a couple but still gravitate towards each other asking ourselves if we could try again, only to shy away knowing we’re worlds apart. he’s the only man i’ve ever loved. nobody has made me feel this way. is it better to figure out a way to make things work or try and close the wound that i tried so very hard in closing five years ago?