so I (24F) have been friends with Adam for almost 10 years now. I’ve always had a slight curiosity about him and whether our relationship could go further, but never enough for me to act on it. I also knew he didn’t feel the same, so it wasn’t something I thought about much beyond an innocent teenage crush. We’ve also lived in different places for most of our friendship, and we’ve actively been seeing other people throughout. We’re good friends.
We’ve developed a close friendship where we talk about pretty much everything, and when we’re in the same place, we spend quite a lot of time together. People often mistake us for a romantic couple because we’re very comfortable in each others’ spaces, but it has never been more than friendship. HOWEVER, a few years ago, during a friendly visit and after too many drinks, we crossed the line. We made out, engaged in some foreplay, and almost had sex, but eventually gave up and went to bed (for reasons). It was kinda weird, and we didn’t really address it well after. I was seeing some other guys at the time and had come to the conclusion that I didn’t see Adam in a romantic light, but alcohol does weird things to rationality!! It was just a drunken mistake for him too. He was leaving in a couple days, so we agreed to pretend like it never happened and just continue as friends. He left, but the friendship was left on strange terms. We were supposed to schedule time to talk about it after… but life got in the way and we eventually just decided to let it go. We pretty much stopped talking after.
I thought we would never speak again, but we coincidentally found ourselves living in the same place after a year or so. We’re both incredibly avoidant people (ik it’s bad please don’t be mean) and so we just went about being friends again as if nothing ever happened. It was okay at first, but I’m realising that I have a strange sense of possessiveness over him — I get jealous when he talks about his exes, or the prospect of other girls, or him wanting to start dating again. I think part of it stems from the fact that he never expressed any interest in me ever despite us always being mistaken for a couple, getting along well together, and having crossed that physical boundary. Perhaps it is a narcissistic ego thing, and I just need to feel wanted (especially since I wanted him a long time ago, so this feels kinda like unreciprocated attraction and I’m not comfortable with rejection)???? Anyways, it has come to a point where I’m starting to feel like I’m being dishonest and deceptive within our friendship, because it’s always on the back of my mind while I act fine on the outside. He seems a-okay pretending it never happened, and I don’t even know if he thinks about it at all! So I feel a little guilty holding this over him in my head.
I’m wondering if it is time for me to bring this up or if I should continue pretending like it never happened?? Is this something I just have to deal with on my own? We’ve come to the end of us living in the same place again and we’re both moving to different places to live separate lives, so I’m not even sure when I will see him again. We will probably continue chatting on occasion, and he remains one of my closest friends, but these thoughts really only come up when we’re physically in the same place. Maybe I should just continue ignoring it since it might not even matter? I do think we will see each other again (AND PROBABLY JUST FLEETINGLY) but my worry is that the next time we see each other, one of us will be with someone else and that will continue to bother me (but how is that his problem?). Is it really wise to rock the boat just because of that tiny possibility? I also don’t think I would act on this feeling ever, so it wouldn’t jeopardise any romantic relationship either of us has. I don’t think we should date, and I really don’t want to stop being friends. but… if my partner had a friend like this I wouldn’t want them to keep being friends either. So what now?
TLDR: Friends for a long time crossed the line while drunk, now pretending it never happened. It bothers me, but I can live with it. I don’t want to stop being friends. What to do now?
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You don’t want him, you want him to want you. It’s an ego bruise, not love. Let it go, don’t bring it up, focus on your next chapter.