I am a 27F married for 2 years, together for 7 years with 30M. I believe that I am deeply in love with my husband, but my sexual attraction for him has died. I write this up while waiting to start couple’s therapy.
Dating
When we started dating, the attraction was definitely there. I remember being so shy at first because he has the most beautiful brown eyes- it was like looking at the sun. We hit it off immediately and had so many compatibilities. I was hesitant to be anything more than friends with benefits, but this man was so incredibly sweet I agreed to date him. He is my first long-term partner. The relationship itself was (and in many ways remains) incredibly easy and peaceful. Covid hits, and we find ourselves partying every single weekend for years- bars, cocaine, MDMA, you name it. I am a high-achieving individual and did all of this while exceling in a demanding graduate program. At the same time, our sex life takes its first major hit between the hangovers, the stress, and an unexpected back injury (and weight gain) on his part. I have a sudden life-threatening injury, and this beautiful man supports me while I am in the ICU for three weeks. We weren’t even married yet but we were already together through sickness and health. We took it as a sign that life was too short, health is never guaranteed, and we got married.
The Sex
I was on the birth control pill for years. After a few years of dating, I started having serious issues with dryness and penetration. I went to the GYN and they called it vaginismus. This caused me so much distress- I tried countless contraception methods, vaginal dilators, read countless books on how to fix a deteriorating sex life. Him penetrating me was causing pain and discomfort to the point that I ended up masturbating prior to PIV to get wet enough and afterwards in order to have an orgasm. I get off the pill and we switch to using condoms, and the mechanical issues stop, but now I find myself cringing when we are intimate, averting my eyes, mind wandering elsewhere throughout. At some point I realize that during this time, I was letting a resentment build- I was putting so much effort on my side to fix the sex while he was so, so passive about it. He didn’t (outwardly appear to) try to improve at foreplay. He was content with being unable to make me orgasm, even with toys.
Now I know what you are thinking- what a selfish man, right? Wrong. In every other aspect of life, he was the perfect partner. He supported us financially while I went to school, he did more than his share of chores around the house, acted as a friend and confidante, and taught me to be a better version of myself. There was simply this mental block with sex- he has expressed that for much of this time he was afraid to touch me out of fear of hurting me. He lost all of his confidence after trying and failing to give me an orgasm.
Careers
My husband does well for himself, working remotely at a small company that appreciates him and compensates him well. I have a career with a lot of prestige which leads itself to all sorts of jokes about how he is going to be my “trophy husband” one day. He is told endlessly that he “outkicked his coverage” in terms of career and appearance. He makes the jokes himself, appears to be comfortable in his skin, but I know it grates him.
ENM (ethical non-monogamy)
Prior to dating, I was on the kink scene. He was not and has never been, though knows I have always been this way. I’ll spare the details other than group sex was a huge part of it and I am bisexual but emotionally monogamous. At the time of us getting married, our sex life was at its worst and I was deeply missing this sexually liberated side of myself. I ask him to open the relationship, and we talk about this for months and months, establish boundaries, and eventually go for it. I casually date women here and there, and keep the communication open as well. I make sure to make him feel loved, as you cannot neglect your primary partner to make this work- numerous little thoughtful gifts and actions, sweet texts throughout the day, physical affection such as hugs and kisses and massages on the couch. He gets on the apps, but does not go on dates or meet anyone. We talk about it, and I find it difficult to get a read on him- is he genuinely embracing the lifestyle, and not getting matches? Is he trying or putting effort in it (I do understand dating apps are a shit show for men)? Or is he just letting me fuck around so I don’t leave him? During this, our sex life improves marginally, but further weight gain on his part and his continued lack of confidence limit things. I fear that I am putting him through hell.
Substance use
We left (most) of the drugs and the alcohol behind in the covid era. I’m at a point where I drink maybe 1-2 beverages every 2-3 weeks. He’s at a point where he might drink once a month, but is smoking weed every. Single. Day. His relationship with food gets fucked- he is binge-eating after I’m already in bed. He is depressed. At my suggestion he gets himself in therapy and starts working on cutting out the weed and improving his health. It remains a work in progress. I do my best to encourage him, tell him not to do it for me but to do it for himself. I tell him that I am here to support him in the same way he has supported me, and that I want him to find whatever it is that feeds his soul like my career does for me (whatever that happens to be).
Guilt
I deeply love this man, but through the years the sexual attraction is extinguished. I am traveling for work right now and have been gone for a month and it is giving me nothing but time to reflect. I miss him dearly- our conversations, our planning for the future, his smell, his jokes, his smile, his eyes. But when he sends me a sexy message or an intimate photo I just freeze. I cringe. I don’t know how to respond. I come to realize that I find him adorable, not sexy. We talk about the continued open relationship, and I am honest when I tell him that being open is integral to my happiness right now. At the same time, he still hasn’t slept with anyone outside of us (or tried far as I am aware) and is hurt by the fact that I enjoy sex with other people but not him. It isn’t working.
I feel so much guilt. I feel guilty that I cannot look forward to sex with him. I feel guilty that he has been supporting me emotionally and financially while I am in graduate school, and that I can only reciprocate the former. I feel guilty that my career is about to take us away from the city he has lived in his entire life. He deserves a partner who finds him attractive. If he isn’t being honest about the ENM thing, then he deserves a wife who doesn’t sleep with other people and that finds him to be ‘enough.’ I know sex isn’t everything, and that eventually bodies wither and wrinkle, but that love goes on. That’s why we have been together so long- the sex doesn’t matter until it does. I want to give this man the world, but at 27 years old I am not ready to give up a fulfilling sex life. I suppose I’m posting this for advice, to hear about others who have gone through similar. We are booking couples therapy for when I return home in 1-2 months, and I believe we both genuinely want to make this work. But are we kidding ourselves?
Thank you for reading.
TL;DR – After years together, I started losing sexual attraction to my husband. We opened the relationship and surprise-surprise, it didn’t help. The guilt is eating me alive. Those who have witnessed or experienced similar- what helped?
Comments
You are not happy with him. Let this man be before you destroy him.
Yes, you’re kidding yourselves. This marriage is over. You need different things, and I’m not sure why you got married in the first place.
Why haven’t you told your husband that you are sexually repulsed by him? Yeah, it’s gonna be a hard day but you are otherwise stringing him along.
Seems you really love him & he loves you. You should stay together. It is ENM so there should not be guilt if you have sex with others & vice versa.
I watched this TED talk about infidelity that is a confirmation of my earlier theory that it is unfair to expect our SO to be everything to/for us. Sex with same person forever is challenging, something about new experience that some people crave (you seem to be in that category).
If he says it is ok, then you deserve to enjoy sex & orgasm. He supports you financially, he must be getting love or some other need satisfied from you.
In terms of attraction – discuss his weight if it will make you feel attracted to him again.
I think you are putting yourself into a mental pretzel trying to avoid the main issue. You do not find him attractive – ENM seems like it might be a way for you to mitigate this.
He is smoking weed every day and binge eating and putting on further weight. That is an unattractive habit to a lot of people.
Unless he stops doing that he will never be enough for you, and you will live your life constantly feeling guilty that you don’t love someone who has done a lot for you in the past and been there through tough moments.
But right now he is not showing up for you. He needs to quit smoking weed and quit binge eating if he wants to save your relationship. If he can’t then you have to let him go – why would you want to go through your whole life feeling this guilty?
It doesn’t sound sustainable and something must be done.
Why did you marry him?
Don’t listen to others here. Your relationship is not dead. But, it is in a difficult place. I have a few clarifying questions:
Let him go, it sounds like he’s really hurting, and a clean break for him sounds like the best option. You’ve already made up your mind. It sounds like he’s just passively letting all of this happen (the weight gain, etc) to him.
I think you’re wise to start couples therapy ASAP. But also, to make a long story short: you don’t find your husband attractive, and you cheated on him while he was aware of both you being unattracted to him and your sex life with others. Based on how you described it, it seems like he probably didn’t want the open relationship and just went along with it for your sake. So I think that this situation already is practically the end of your marriage, and even if he might be able to hold on for some more years, he’ll probably get a divorce once he finds his self esteem again.
It’s okay to make mistakes and try out things when we’re younger. It’s also okay to split up as you realize that you’ve done irreparable damage to each other over the years or that you’ve matured into two different directions. The most important thing is to be brutally honest here, and really think about whether you could stay together long this if nothing ever changed. If you can’t imagine being happy with how things are now, then it’s probably for the best to pull the plug and give each other the time and distance to find other people you’d both truly be happy with – without your bilateral resentments and huge baggage.
I don’t agree with this at all. OP says they’re emotionally monogamous, but is on the internet saying they’re not attracted to their husband at all and has various flings. How on earth can this be saved?
I’m sure OP isn’t trying to hurt their partner, but it sure as hell sounds like they’re being hurt.
i think you guys are doing right going to therapy.
i would prepare yourself emotionally that if he is subconsciously or consciously uncomfortable with ENM the therapist will likely ask if you are comfortable giving that up.
that’s something you should consider if you’d be okay with if your guys sex life improves and he works on himself or if this is something you’d like to continue. i think it is obvious you care about him, but i’m sure you going to others to have sex has been a blow to his ego which you already said was fragile.
as is the case in so many of these situations, opening a monogamous relationship does not go well. if you both had experience with it prior and enjoyed it and wanted to get back to it i could see it having a chance at working. but if you don’t go into the relationship with non monogamy as the goal and both partners are not enthusiastically consenting it’s not a good plan.
He’s supported you financially and emotionally, you aren’t doing either for him. If you had to talk him into this and he’s not taking advantage of the open relationship like you are, it’s not ethical (which should be the ‘e’ in enm). You don’t find him attractive, you think he’s just adorable, you don’t put his needs first and spend a lot of time in this talking about how he’s not sexy and doesn’t meet your needs…
I don’t want to sugarcoat this: I wouldn’t wish you as a spouse on even a casual acquaintance. I don’t think you’re being nice or good to him. Break things off, it’s the second best thing you can do to going back in time and not wasting his life.
Marriage is not easy and not always sexy. It seems like you’re already moving on physically and he’s hanging on to you by a thread, probably waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I was young once but I don’t believe in open marriages. Being with other people is not going to bring you any closer to your husband. It’s just a way to get what you want elsewhere.
Hope things go well at couples counseling
Your husband needs to hit the gym and find himself. Once he does, he can leave you and find the wife he deserves. You are…yuck.
You need to break up. Your husband deserves better. Let’s be very honest here. You’re getting everything you need out of this ‘marriage’ while he gets nothing.
You’re repulsed by him physically? Why are you staying together then.
He deserves better. Never felt so bad for a guy before.
Sounds like you are unintentionally destroying this man. Let him go. A clean break. You’ve done enough damage already, even if you didnt mean too. If you truly wanted him you’d be more than happy to make love, but you arent. He is only holding on because he loves you. Most people would consider your situation manipulative at best because everything is on your terms. Nothing you described beyond the foreplay issue has to do eith him
> The relationship itself was (and in many ways remains) incredibly easy and peaceful
It sounds like your relationship has been so easy because when an issue would be seriously challenging you have not discussed or resolved it together…? I know you mentioned various conversations you’ve had, and this isn’t the fault of one person in a relationship. But you’re a go-getter. And it sounds like he may tend to agree, go along to get along, present himself as someone with adaptable or malleable opinions.
You talk about him being a caring partner. Does he ever express his own needs? Does he ever approach you to say he’s dissatisfied with something in the relationship and ask you to change?
> I was letting a resentment build- I was putting so much effort on my side to fix the sex while he was so, so passive about it. He didn’t (outwardly appear to) try to improve at foreplay…. he has expressed that for much of this time he was afraid to touch me out of fear of hurting me
> At the time of us getting married, our sex life was at its worst and I was deeply missing this sexually liberated side of myself
So this really baffled me– Why did you get married at a time when you were deeply unsatisfied? Why did you not talk about that first?
Why did you let resentment build when you were struggling with vaginismus instead of talking about it? Why did his fear for your wellbeing never get expressed either?
> He is told endlessly that he “outkicked his coverage” in terms of career and appearance
> He is depressed
> We talk about it, and I find it difficult to get a read on him
> he still hasn’t slept with anyone outside of us (or tried far as I am aware) and is hurt by the fact that I enjoy sex with other people but not him.
Whatever he thinks about ENM in theory, he is very clearly unhappy/suffering with the rejection from you while you go fuck other people. But it sounds like he tends to avoid addressing problems, he believes that he is kicking above his weight and can’t afford to rock the boat in this relationship, and he probably thinks that this is partly his fault for how he handled your vaginismus. Now he’s depressed and self medicating. Yes, you are kidding yourself, if you think this is sustainable and not hell for him– the constant rejection from his wife alone. I do not see a way to bridge that gap.
One thing to consider here. It sounds like you found a sweet guy who pair-bonds hard. If that’s the case, ENM may force him to give up a satisfying sex life, if he defines that as sex with a long term partner. Have you specifically talked about his ideal sex life?
I’m sorry you sound shallow and let him go all you are doing is killing his mental health making him think he’s not good enough I’m not saying your trying to make him feel that way
It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself this relationship is right for you. But really it looks like you found a good guy that you aren’t actually attracted to and are trying to force it anyway.
Couples therapy is your last resort. I fear you may not be really listening to your husband, what his needs and wants are. You’re finding ways to survive alone, without him, and in the process you’re leaving him to fend for himself.
If you truly love him, listen to him, in all the ways. If in the end you cannot thrive together, then you’ll have to seriously consider trying for new lives apart.
If you stay with him and do nothing more, he’ll just keep sacrificing for you, no matter what he really wants or feels.
Good luck OP.
Yuck. Let this poor man go. You are destroying him. He deserves so much better than someone who is repulsed by him and is having random sex with strangers with your “open marriage”.
You find your partner repulsive, you’re gone for 3 months, and you’re also seeing other people? I don’t think this is salvageable. My guess is your partner only agreed to ENM to not lose you. I think it’s time to end this.
I think you two want to make this work, but you two both want wildly different things…and you just aren’t going to find what you want with each other.
You aren’t attracted to him. You think he’s nice and fun to talk to.
OP, this relationship seems like it’s run it’s course. It didn’t have firm ground to stand on in the first place because you two always wanted two different things, and now that you have been together so long and have found out that – yup – those things are still important to you both, but the compromises never really manifested.
At some point, you need to call it what it is.
He deserves someone that is attracted to him at the very least and wants to be as monogamous as he does.
You need to find a primary partner who you can give as much as you take from. At the very minimum, they need to be happy with the relationship they have with you, and that’s not this guy.
Do your marriage counseling, but unless one of you wildly changes what they want, I don’t think you two are going to be able to be happy long term. If at seven years you haven’t figured out how to find happiness with each other when you are still in your prime, then IDK sis.
I think it’s time to call it.
Please go to a certified relationship/marriage counselor. Most people on reddit do not have their own relationships on course , much less advice others.
You need to leave. I’ve experienced this and it took me too long to realize I just didn’t like my husband anymore. Hurt both of us in the process.
Honestly I think the couples therapy could work, and could help you figure out why you aren’t feeling attracted to him, and what could both of you do to change that. I don’t think the marriage is over, but I don’t see the ENM working long-term. Attraction is a strange thing, but it is fluid and as much psychological as physical, so figuring out what’s behind the current repulsion, and solving the root cause is the only way to fix it. Therapy is probably the way to get there, but if that doesn’t work, then yeah a separation makes sense.
I relate to this so much, but am at the beginning of a relationship trying to decide if a struggling sex life is something I can commit to. We’re perfectly aligned on virtually every other front, but have no sexual chemistry. He has a ton of insecurity and anxiety about sex and literally everything he tries to do to me is uncomfortable or a turn off. It’s like he can’t see or feel what he’s doing and is just sweating buckets and hyperfocused on trying to read my face and wait for me to react to things instead of paying attention to what he’s doing and having any intentionality or confidence about it. I’m not physically attracted to him for a variety of reasons. However, I’ve spent 10 – 15 years now dating people who I don’t align with on values, intellect, lifestyle, hobbies, etc. and it’s intoxicating to find someone who finally makes sense to me. For seven months now I thought we could make some version of a sex like work, but lately I’m craving a relaxing and natural sexual experience with mutual attraction, rhythm, style, etc. I don’t think he’s open to ENM and suspect it would just add to his insecurity and make things worse. Anyway, just wanted to say it’s helpful to me to see a similar situation from your perspective, though I still don’t know what to do.
“I like everything he does for me, while my effort goes to other people. I’m surprised that I’m not happy with a one-sided partnership. Now I can’t find him attractive anymore.”
Sorry, I just boiled down your post. From the outside looking in, you talked him into you’re lifestyle and he went with it out of “love” for you.
If you put nearly as much energy into your relationship with your husband as you do into your other relationships, you’d likely be in a different place.