Long time listener but never had anything to contribute just talking to myself in car while listening lol but man I am lost and need advice.
So my husband (30M) and I (28F) eloped last month after over 4 years together. Little court house trip, my grandfather was our witness. It was exactly what we wanted, no fuss or rings, or stress to plan anything and he looked handsome in his tuxedo tshirt.
We FINALLY had a weekend where both sets of parents and us were available to have dinner tonight so we could tell them in person at the same time. I couldn’t imagine telling them separately where one knew before the other or over a group text. We were so excited to spill the happy news that everyone knew was going to happen soon anyways.
We were worried about my mom’s reaction, she is a tough one to please, but she ended up being the happiest and most supportive. His parents on the other hand were giving death glares…didn’t let us really talk and they just got up and left dinner. It completely ruined the night where we’re supposed to be celebrating.
My husband is absolutely devastated. And my family is sad for him. We didn’t expect this type of reaction. Yes, we knew moms might be a little sad about not being there but they would be happy. Both families are extremely close, we have done holidays together the past few years so no one should be shocked we decided to get married, it’s been talked about and the fact neither of us want a big wedding. But they acted like we did something horrible to them… my parents stayed and we explained that the whole paperwork side was just formality for us and the celebrating with everyone is what actually mattered or meant anything to us.
The in laws and him talked afterwards without me, he supported me and about our decision but I know it’s killing him on the inside. He said he felt like they resented him. Any advice navigating this?
Will post updates if I figure it out how to use Reddit 🙂
Edit to clarify things: We did get to explain to my parents, that we just wanted to tell them we were legally married. And to us, this part was just paper work at the counter of the county office. We were planning on doing something with not just parents but the rest of family too. We don’t hate our parents, just thought it was unnecessary to bring a bunch of people to a window and sign a paper in 2 minutes. I hope we can explain that more to his parents soon. Our delivery went poorly, but hope they can see we weren’t excluding from it all together and want them there the fun parts of a union.
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Backup of the post’s body: Long time listener but never had anything to contribute just talking to myself in car while listening lol but man I am lost and need advice.
So my husband (30M) and I (28F) eloped last month after over 4 years together. Little court house trip, my grandfather was our witness. It was exactly what we wanted, no fuss or rings, or stress to plan anything and he looked handsome in his tuxedo tshirt.
We FINALLY had a weekend where both sets of parents and us were available to have dinner tonight so we could tell them in person at the same time. I couldn’t imagine telling them separately where one knew before the other or over a group text. We were so excited to spill the happy news that everyone knew was going to happen soon anyways. Only a couple friends actually knew too.
We were worried about my mom’s reaction, she is a tough one to please, but she ended up being the happiest and most supportive. His parents on the other hand were giving death glares…didn’t let us really talk and they just got up and left dinner. It completely ruined the night where we’re supposed to be celebrating.
My husband is absolutely devastated. And my family is sad for him. We didn’t expect this type of reaction. Yes, we knew moms might be a little sad about not being there but they would be happy. Both families are extremely close, we have done holidays together the past few years so no one should be shocked we decided to get married, it’s been talked about and the fact neither of us want a big wedding. But they acted like we did something horrible to them…
The in laws and him talked afterwards without me, he supported me and about our decision but I know it’s killing him on the inside. He said he felt like they resented him. Any advice navigating this?
Will post updates if I figure it out how to use Reddit 🙂
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Every parent dreams of seeing their kids succeed. Graduations, competitions, promotions, marriage, kids, etc.
There is a reason our phones now have cameras. You doing this felt disrespectful to them as it denied them the opportunity to have this joy. If you had planned it out before and they knew, it’s one thing. But you actively hid it and then dropped it on them afterwards. It was disrespectful to them
You have every right to do whatever you want. But you don’t have the right to demand consequence free actions and dictate people’s emotions regarding them.
Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, it was a selfish act that crushed them and your marriage couldn’t have started off worse
Good luck
They’re human, they are disappointed, maybe they always dreamed of your wedding day and were looking forward to it etc etc. Who knows!
You were absolutely 100% entitled to the wedding you wanted, but that doesn’t mean other people won’t be hurt by it. That’s okay too. Let them have their feelings, give them some space. Acknowledge that they feel that way, maybe consider a “we totally understand your disappointment but hope that you will come to respect that we had the day we wanted, it was perfect for us, and we’d love to celebrate with you some time soon”.
I’m a parent, and jesus sometimes it’s hard to not react when your adult kid makes choices you don’t like lol. Give them some space, they’ll be fine.
My daughter and her husband planned to elope recently. They told me and I accepted it as what they wanted. However. …
Her partners mother pitched a fit and carried on so hard they ended up inviting her and her daughter and so to keep it fair they invited me.
It was small and lovely. But it wasn’t what they wanted. They wanted less people.
My daughter took me aside and thanked me for being a champ and not saying a single word of objection to their planned elopement.
I feel a loving parent will accept things as they are. I just for the life of me can’t think how to deal with cranky parents who want things done their way.
As a parent, I’d be devastated if my kid did this, but I’d put a brave face on it (especially if the wife had had one of her family members there). You got the day you wanted, but they didn’t get the one they’ve probably anticipated his whole life, just let them get over it. Try and put yourself in their shoes, they’re allowed to feel their feelings.
No one owes their parents a wedding and his parents should have done the grown-up thing of congratulating and celebrating with you.
As a parent, you can be disappointed and sad, but we have no right to act entitled.
I’m really surprised at some of the comments here.
Why kind of shitty parents would storm out of a dinner when told that their child had decided to attend a different university to the parents choice?
What kind of shitty parents would storm out of a dinner when told that their child was choosing to be an engineer rather than a journalist?
What kind of shitty parents would storm out of a dinner when told their child has decided to take a job in Edinburgh, rather than down the road in Watford?
What kind of shitty parents would storm out of a dinner when told their child had decided to adopt a child, rather than have children biologically?
The parents are just massively self-absorbed twats, and the only legitimate response, is Fuck you.
My daughter asked my husband and I to go to the courthouse and me be the witness signee on the license. I was so happy to see her get married. Her husband’s family is out of state and we’re not invited.
But I would have understood if she wanted to do it on her own.
They were just mad that they didn’t get the chance to brag about it to their friends.
My husband and I eloped with my son and our then 5 year old daughter. We had two good friends who we invited for a “holiday” and got married at the local registry office. Best thing we ever done. I don’t do crowds or things like that.
When we got back we invited everybody to a massive party to celebrate. Complete with video and pictures of the ceremony. My mom was upset but she told me “it’s was your day and nobody else’s and I can be upset as much as I want but you had to do what you and “husbands name” wanted to do and we are so glad to be celebrating tonight with you”
ESH. They should have taken it with more grace, but if you both dislike your parents so much, you don’t want them witnessing your wedding, just cut them off at that point and go no contact. Clean break.
> We didn’t expect this type of reaction.
You have no sense then. What a crazy post.
You had to do what’s right for your husband & you but you couldn’t give them a heads up prior?
They are entitled to feel upset. They’re entitled to walk away to regulate.
They’ll come eventually but I think it was naive of both you & your husband to not expect a bigger outburst.
We sometimes have to make sacrifices for the sake of having a community. You didnt need to have a big wedding. But you could’ve just told them “Hey, we’re eloping “
I have never cared about weddings. When my husband and I married, my mom was all about us eloping. His mom insisted we get married when and where she could watch.
Then she didn’t want any pictures of our wedding, and to this day still has the wedding photo of my husband with his late wife in her bedroom, and zero pictures of my husband and I in her home. She has pictures on every surface. Just none with me. This was 100% a control tactic.
When my kids got married, I hoped they would elope. They didn’t. My son and his wife wish they had saved the money and eloped. My daughter and her husband still love every minute of their wedding day.
You did what was right for you. That’s what is important. What others think is their problem. Hopefully your husband stops letting his mother control him. And also, I hope he sees you as his immediate family now, not his parents.
I suspect his parents will get over it at some point.
He should not apologize you guys got to make the decision that works for you and your adults and they should’ve accepted that.
Give them a space and time and like I said, I suspect they’ll come around.
My first husband and I went to get our marriage license and ended up just finishing the process while we were there. We didn’t plan it that way, it just played out that way. His mom was wanting my family to pay for some big expensive wedding and I didn’t want anything even close to that and said no. She also wasn’t down to pay for anything. It was causing stress and fights… So we just said the hell with all of it and got married in jeans and tshirts completely alone.
When he told her, she threw the biggest most epic tantrum I’ve ever seen from a grown ass adult. It ended up making him cry ffs and he’s one of those men don’t cry types.
Parents that act like they are entitled to your big moments are selfish as hell.
His parents need to either be supportive or pretend to be.
You did nothing wrong.
Why do people seem to forget that weddings are not actually just about the 2 people getting married but also celebrating the union with friends and family? Is this just people on Reddit all being inexperienced children who dont understand basic human emotions or have ever been to a wedding?
This is an entirely predictable reaction and I’m pretty sure my own mother would be extremely hurt if had done this to her.
It makes even less sense for you to have eloped if both your families get on well together. There’s no way to navigate this and avoid any lasting damage, the bed has been made now it’s time to lie in it.
Actions have consequences and sometimes those consequences aren’t known until after the dice are rolled.
You have EVERY right to do things the way you want with your life and relationships, and they have a right to their own feelings.
Does it suck that they couldn’t suck it up in the moment? Yeah… but the fact is that you blindsided them with major news. They were likely expecting an announcement of something upcoming, not that it happened, and (more importantly) that they weren’t invited.
Between his parents… which is the more emotional/easily hurt? My buck is that one of them was most hurt, and that the other left in an attempt to be with the other and support them in their feelings.
Given how you’ve presented things, I doubt it’s irreparable, but you also have to accept that they deserve their feelings— shock, sorrow at missing a major milestone. The fact that your husband is internally “devastated” seems to indicate that he is close with them. The fact that your witness was a member of your side of the family and no one from his was there… hurts. And while your own Mom may have put on a brave face, and rolled with it… deep down, there’s a part of her that’s sad too that she wasn’t there. She may never articulate it or tell you, but it’s there.
As to how to move forward… be kind. Give them room to adjust, go on with your life, and they will come around.
The entitlement of some parents. Just cuz you came in mam and she squeezed me out doesn’t mean you have anything to do with the vows and commitments between partners. The absolutely baffling takes here from some parents are insane, you can be disappointed but the wedding has sweet FA to do with you.
There’s no reason for your husband to be “devastated” if an elopement is what you both wanted. You might want to try to gently find out why his family’s disapproval bothers him so much because this could lead to problems later if it’s not resolved ASAP.
After reading all of your responses, you do not want advice, you want reassurance of your decision. You’re allowed to elope and people are allowed to be upset. It doesn’t matter that they just paid for a 40 k wedding, they love their son and would probably pay that for him too. Let them be upset and grieve what they wanted for their son. Stop trying to control other people’s emotions. They will get over it eventually.
It’s not an unexpected reaction. You are allowed to have the wedding you wanted but as a parent, knowing you didn’t get to see your child get married is devastating.
You need to give them some time to get over it. One of my friends told their son that destination wedding or a quiet courthouse wedding was fine but excluding them from being there would get them written out of the will. They were joking but not really.
I would eventually get over it but it would be devastating to find out we the parents were excluded and I would question all of my parenting choices.
I have a few questions why didn’t you invite your parents? You mentioned how both sets of parents were close and you guys did things together. So I’m wondering why you didn’t want your parents there. Also is he an only child? That might explain the reaction. Maybe they always thought that they would be a part of his wedding, even if it was just an elopement
Go ahead and plan your small reception/party to celebrate. Figure out what you both agree you want and what you are willing to have input and suggestions about. Let your husband invite his parents to talk about it or the two of you invited them to lunch. Don’t be surprised at whatever the parents say or do. It may just be that they are upset that they are no longer in control. “Resentment” is an odd response to hearing your son eloped with his long-time girlfriend.
You’re completely entitled to the wedding that you want. But that doesn’t mean decisions you make don’t have consequences and they’re completely entitled to their feelings. You acting like you’re saving them money because they just paid for someone else’s wedding but then you said money is not an issue is just excuses. From their point of view you hid the fact that you got married for an entire month but you invited someone from your family and not his. They’ll probably come around. But you can’t expect someone to react perfectly when you Blindside them with news. And then to say you want a big party. Presumably you’ll be paying for this party yourself right?
I think this one requires some 1-1 conversations with his parents, OP. They are allowed to feel their feelings, you should try and listen to them. However, you did what was right for you two and that’s not something you should apologise for.
My OH and I are eloping in September this year after 18 years together. We’ve always told people this is how we would get married (no engagement, no fuss and just come back and be married) However, we have told both sets of parents “hey, just to let you know we are planning on eloping at some point in the coming twelve months” but haven’t given the date away. This allowed us to have any chats about it but thankfully both our parents are genuinely happy we’re doing it this way.
Everyone else will be told after the fact.
My brother eloped with his now ex wife. They did it in secret and didn’t tell anyone for a few months. Both sides of the family were pissed when they told us (over the phone btw). We all definitely felt blind sided. I wasn’t AS pissed as the parents but I did feel like I was no different than an acquaintance. It made me realize that getting married is about more than just you. You are joining families and they should be there even if it’s just immediate family. So the deed is done but I would put in some effort to make it up to them. My brother never did a party after the fact and it created so much unnecessary tension that I had to deal with.
WTF? His parents were hoping you were a phase???
Don’t worry… Y’all will be fine. You don’t need anyone to approve your marriage.
It is your wedding and your relationship. You have the right to make those choices for yourself. But as a mom, yes I would be disappointed if my kids blindsided me with the news that I would never see them walk down the aisle because they did it in secret without me. That would break my heart a little. I don’t blame you for making the choices you want to make, but perhaps you were a little naive in thinking everyone would just be happy for you. Everyone has a right to their feelings including your new in-laws.
First lesson of married life learned the hard way. Yeah, at the end of the day it’s about what you and your partner want but part of that calculation should be other people’s feelings. When you say “but this is what we wanted” ESPECIALLY when it cuts someone out of a huge moment, you are going to risk hurting them. Some people will take the view that there’s no point in crying over spilled milk and some people will question how much their relationship matters to you.
My niece and her fiancé ran away to Vegas. Took their best friends and got married there. (His family was having some serious drama: they din’t want to try to deal with a family party that had the 50/50 possibility of getting a brawl happening) So, they did the Vegas thing.
I would possibly talk to the in-laws on the phone. Ask them to help you understand why they’re upset with you guys doing just a small courthouse wedding.
UpdateMe
Yeah you guys don’t have anything to worry about, good luck to you. May your light shine brighter than the sun for a short time, but don’t burn the candle in both ends.
Parents will eventually turn around, and if they don’t well then your husband will be fine console him and help him to connect to some sort of program that is useful to him, like a club or a church or whatever.
Updateme
My first and I also had a courthouse wedding; only his best friend as a witness. Had my parents over for tea as a way to tell them about the marriage.
Didn’t think mom would be so pissed, like what’s the big deal? My sister had TWO church weddings, isn’t that enough? So, parents are in the house, mom says ‘congratulations’ pretty sarcastically, then throws a five pound bag of rice at my husband.
They probably thought you wanted to have a special dinner to tell them you had set a wedding date. I can’t imagine eloping and then blaming the parents for completely ruining “the night where we’re supposed to be celebrating” when you spring it on them. Good luck.
It’s your marriage, and you should do it the way you want – which you did. Do your best to explain that to all who were offended, that your actions were not taken to hurt anyone, but rather to be married in the way you both wanted.
Obviously, they handled it wrong, but I get it. You raise a kid. You have a good relationship with your kid, and they don’t see you as important enough to be at their wedding? You said your families do family things. A wedding is a family thing. Your child getting married is one of the biggest things of their life and you didn’t get to see it.
Now, they have to get over it. but IDK, if my son took me to dinner and said we got married (and we didn’t think it was important for you to be there.) I’m not sure I would just sit there and enjoy dinner.
This happened to me too. 8 years later and they still act that way towards me for eloping with their ADULT son.
Oof, I’m sorry your husband is so upset but as the sister of someone who got married on the quiet whilst thousands of miles away, I do kinda get where his parents are coming from.
I was genuinely hurt that I hadn’t been told. I was more adult in my hurt and I don’t think I expressed that to them, other than a slight swipe about giving elderly parents heart attacks. That was kinda justified considering we found out from bloody border control as they got stopped coming into the UK and my father had bellowed down the phone at me loudly enough that an older colleague almost stepped in to take the phone off me.
But I was genuinely hurt and so was my mum. Dad was more pissed off, but that was probably about the border control thing. I wasn’t there to see her parents reactions when they went back to the US, but I got the impression that it wasn’t pretty.
Yes, you have the right to have the wedding you want. But when you don’t include people who love you in a major milestone, they also have the right to be hurt, angry and upset. And when you blindside them in a public place, you can’t control the immediate reaction.
Hopefully your kids do the same thing to you and you’ll understand. Taking that moment away from his parents is really fucked up.
My husband and I eloped. No one else was there but everyone knew ahead of time. My mom was unhappy about it. I didn’t care. No one gets to dictate how anyone else gets married. Frankly I don’t think they deserve to be allowed to be upset. You don’t get to have a dream FOR me, without my consent, and then hold it against me when I don’t follow it.
You’re entitled to have the wedding you want, but now you are upset that they ruined the night you wanted them to celebrate your wedding in which they weren’t invited to. Part of the problem may be because you had your grandfather as a witness but left them out.
A coworker got married in Vegas. It was a work trip. He went with his fiancée, but had to pick up something from his parents’ house before leaving.
His mother said something like “Have a nice trip, but don’t go getting married.”
He went through a whole ass wedding and reception later to keep it a secret from his mother.
I’m sure they were gutted and just need time.
His parents’ reaction tells me that you did the right thing. They were never going to let you have the wedding you want or anything close. It would have ended up a big spectacle that you both would have hated.
They just salty because they didn’t get to control the thing.
Sorry it sounds like he has crappy parents. Hopefully he is not going to let their drama cause issues in your marriage
I wanted to have a ceremony with just my husband and I but I invited both of our mothers just because I knew they would be upset if they weren’t invited and it wasn’t worth the guilt tripping after.
I also had some of my friends whining afterwards that we didn’t and are not going to be having a big wedding because they wanted to be a bridesmaid or “wanted to celebrate with us”. I wanted to say please feel free to pay for it then!
No one will be happy, if your elopement made you and your partner happy…that is what’s important. Enjoy marriage!
Their reaction confirms that you did the right thing. They were planning on boundary stomping your plans if you had told them in advance.
The worst thing you can do now is to try and “make it up to them.” You don’t owe them anything.
Stand firm and remind them that you get to live your lives the way you see fit. If they want to be part of that, they need to behave like adults who can regulate their emotions. The more toddler tantrums, the less they’ll see of your new family.
I understand as a parent it would be sad and hard to miss that special moment. As the parent of kids entering into adulthood I feel the painful transition of being connected to fewer and fewer important life events. Until you have kids of your own you can’t be expected to understand this. They are sad and hurt and it’s coming off as anger. Hopefully they will get over it soon and will be able to enjoy whatever celebration you have planned
Some people didn’t have enough love in their young life and it really shows.
Ain’t no way ppl are seriously defending the parents in this situation.
“You hid the elopement from them!” They’re adults. With their own lives. Adults that can do whatever the fuck they want. The parents can be mad but that doesn’t mean shit. They are adults lmao. Y’all would not be defending the parents if OP told them about the elopement and the parents forced them to have a bigger wedding than they wanted— so why the fuck are you defending the parents bc they’re upset they didn’t get a wedding? It isn’t their wedding. It isn’t their choice. It isn’t their money. It isn’t their time. It isn’t their relationship. Their son literally feels like they resent him, and y’all are defending the parents being upset 🤦🏾♀️
“Well, they must’ve saved up money so both kids could have a grand 40k+ wedding.” That’s great, give the money to the newly wed couple for a down payment on a house 🥴
Sounds like the parents were upset because they felt entitled to OP’s life, not because they “missed out” on the wedding. OP literally wants a small celebration between the families— they’re not missing out on anything. They’ve already experienced one wedding in its entirety (with their daughter) lmao.
NTA or whatever it is for hot takes.
i’ll never understand people’s families making weddings all about themselves. The height of selfishness IMO.
As a parent myself I would be devastated if I wasn’t invited to my child’s wedding. I don’t care about them having a big wedding or a fancy dress or anything like that but I would hope they would want me to share in their special moment. I get it was just a quick signing the register job but it was their child getting married. To keep it from them for a whole month afterwards feels like you couldn’t confide in them too, like they don’t matter.
I know it’s not what you want to hear but as a mum that’s my feelings on it if it were my son or daughter.
First off, I love this story (minus the reaction of the in laws). Your only witness was your grandpa…how sweet!
For his folks, them getting up and leaving is super overdramatic. They are just mad that their little boy did something without clearing with them first. OK, maybe that is overdramatic but seriously, they are just mad that they weren’t included and they will get over it. Throw a nice party to celebrate and make sure that they know that this is what YOU wanted. They’ll come around eventually but if not, eh, it’s on them.
If they resent him for his choice that’s on them.
I really hope, for your sake, this isn’t foreshadowing about difficult in laws.
You got married without telling them or inviting them and you consider it a celebration…
sometimes instead of scrambling to make everyone else in the wrong you can just admit there is no wrong or right in this situation, you are allowed whatever wedding you want and they are allowed to feel left out and upset at not getting. Making choices means living with the consequences, you can’t be mad that you left them out and they now feel left out
Look up John Bonjovi talks about eloping with his wife. Check out how both of thier Italian families reacted. About the same as mine would’ve. Lol