30 days ago, I was crying in the kitchen while my partner locked himself in the bathroom after another fight over “nothing.” I felt helpless, like we were circling the same unresolved wounds again and again. We weren’t cheating, lying, or doing anything terrible – but we just couldn’t stop hurting each other. I honestly thought we were done.
But instead of walking away, we tried something weird: co-reading. Every night, we’d curl up together – sometimes reading aloud, sometimes listening to an audiobook on my phone. No scrolling, no distractions. Just one story, one hour, and one shared intention: to heal together.
It was our couple’s therapist who suggested it. She noticed how we had totally different attachment styles (I’m anxious-avoidant, he’s straight-up avoidant), childhood trauma we hadn’t acknowledged, and zero shared language around emotions. Her take? You don’t just communicate better – you have to learn together. So she gave us a reading list – like, 20 books long.
And ngl, it was awkward at first. We took turns reading out loud, got triggered, paused to cry or argue, and sometimes just went silent. But around Day 7, something clicked. We started having real convos. Not about chores or dinner. But about how we love, how we shut down, why we say “I’m fine” when we’re absolutely not.
I didn’t grow up watching healthy relationships. Neither did he. Nobody teaches us this stuff. Honestly, I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know until I started reading.
After 30 days, we’re still learning. But the tension? Way less. Our connection? Deeper. Reading has become our daily ritual – a safe space to unpack things neither of us had the words for before. If you’re close to a breakup, I hope this helps you try something different. Here’s what changed everything for us:
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller: Bestseller and therapist favorite. Explains attachment theory like you’re five but changes your entire relationship lens. I literally highlighted every page. If you’ve ever felt like you’re “too much” or “too distant,” this book will call you out gently but effectively.
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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman: Written by a psychologist who can predict divorce with 91% accuracy (not a joke). Based on decades of data, not fluff. This book taught us the difference between real repair and fake apologies. Best “relationship hygiene” book I’ve read.
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Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski: Not just about sex, but how our nervous systems and stress cycles affect emotional intimacy. I finally understood why I would shut down physically during fights. This book is like therapy for your body and mind.
-
The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner: Deep, psychological, and so worth it. Especially for women who tend to over-function in relationships. It helped me see how I was reenacting childhood roles without even realizing it.
-
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb: Insanely good read. Written by a therapist about being in therapy herself. You’ll laugh, cry, and feel less alone in your mess. It’s the book that made my partner finally want to go to therapy.
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BeFreed: My friend put me on this smart reading/learning app when I kept saying I was too tired after work to read full books. You can choose different length/depth of each book: 10-min, 20-min, or 40-min deep dives, and even pick your preferred voice (we tried cloning my partner’s voice just for fun lol). I never expected reading to be as addictive as doomscrolling, but here I am – clearing books I’d procrastinated on for years. What blew me away was the accuracy. I tested it on a book I already knew, and it nailed over 90% of the insights. Plus the flashcard feature actually helps me remember and apply what I learn.
-
Opal App: A focus timer + screen blocker that helped us kick doomscrolling before bed. We set it to block all social media from 8-10pm – prime reading and reconnecting time. You’d be surprised how fast your brain calms down without TikTok blasting drama.
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The Love Drive: Hosted by a former sex & intimacy coach who breaks down relationship psychology with humor and empathy. We’d listen to one episode while cooking and then discuss it like a book club.
We live in a world that trains us to consume love stories, not build them. Social media hijacks our dopamine systems, gives us false highs, and teaches us to expect perfect connection without effort. But real love takes work – intentional, awkward, vulnerable work. Reading together isn’t a magic fix, but it gave us the tools to stop reenacting our wounds and start writing something new.
If you’re stuck in the same loops, feeling distant, or about to give up – try this. One book. One night. One conversation. Then do it again.
Reading didn’t just save our relationship – it gave us a relationship worth saving.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: 30 days ago, I was crying in the kitchen while my partner locked himself in the bathroom after another fight over “nothing.” I felt helpless, like we were circling the same unresolved wounds again and again. We weren’t cheating, lying, or doing anything terrible – but we just couldn’t stop hurting each other. I honestly thought we were done.
But instead of walking away, we tried something weird: co-reading. Every night, side by side in bed, no phones, no distractions. Just one book, one hour, and one intention – heal together.
It was our couple’s therapist who suggested it. She noticed how we had totally different attachment styles (I’m anxious-avoidant, he’s straight-up avoidant), childhood trauma we hadn’t acknowledged, and zero shared language around emotions. Her take? You don’t just communicate better – you have to learn together. So she gave us a reading list – like, 20 books long.
And ngl, it was awkward at first. We took turns reading out loud, got triggered, paused to cry or argue, and sometimes just went silent. But around Day 7, something clicked. We started having real convos. Not about chores or dinner. But about how we love, how we shut down, why we say “I’m fine” when we’re absolutely not.
I didn’t grow up watching healthy relationships. Neither did he. Nobody teaches us this stuff. Honestly, I didn’t realize how much I didn’t know until I started reading.
After 30 days, we’re still learning. But the tension? Way less. Our connection? Deeper. Reading has become our daily ritual – a safe space to unpack things neither of us had the words for before. If you’re close to a breakup, I hope this helps you try something different. Here’s what changed everything for us:
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller: Bestseller and therapist favorite. Explains attachment theory like you’re five but changes your entire relationship lens. I literally highlighted every page. If you’ve ever felt like you’re “too much” or “too distant,” this book will call you out gently but effectively.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman: Written by a psychologist who can predict divorce with 91% accuracy (not a joke). Based on decades of data, not fluff. This book taught us the difference between real repair and fake apologies. Best “relationship hygiene” book I’ve read.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski: Not just about sex, but how our nervous systems and stress cycles affect emotional intimacy. I finally understood why I would shut down physically during fights. This book is like therapy for your body and mind.
The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner: Deep, psychological, and so worth it. Especially for women who tend to over-function in relationships. It helped me see how I was reenacting childhood roles without even realizing it.
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb: Insanely good read. Written by a therapist about being in therapy herself. You’ll laugh, cry, and feel less alone in your mess. It’s the book that made my partner finally want to go to therapy.
BeFreed: My friend put me on this smart reading app when I kept saying I was too tired after work to read full books. You can choose 10-min skims, 20-min stories, or 40-min deep dives, and even pick your preferred voice (we tried cloning my partner’s voice just for fun lol). I never expected reading to be as addictive as doomscrolling, but here I am – clearing books I’d procrastinated on for years. What blew me away was the accuracy. I tested it on a book I already knew, and it nailed over 90% of the insights. Plus the flashcard feature actually helps me remember and apply what I learn.
Opal App: A focus timer + screen blocker that helped us kick doomscrolling before bed. We set it to block all social media from 8-10pm – prime reading and reconnecting time. You’d be surprised how fast your brain calms down without TikTok blasting drama.
The Love Drive: Hosted by a former sex & intimacy coach who breaks down relationship psychology with humor and empathy. We’d listen to one episode while cooking and then discuss it like a book club.
We live in a world that trains us to consume love stories, not build them. Social media hijacks our dopamine systems, gives us false highs, and teaches us to expect perfect connection without effort. But real love takes work – intentional, awkward, vulnerable work. Reading together isn’t a magic fix, but it gave us the tools to stop reenacting our wounds and start writing something new.
If you’re stuck in the same loops, feeling distant, or about to give up – try this. One book. One night. One conversation. Then do it again.
Reading didn’t just save our relationship – it gave us a relationship worth saving.
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This is AI right?
I can recommend Dance of Intimacy by Lerner. I’ve read all of her books and also heard her lecture several times. Good stuff there.
We co read! But it’s silly novels like the hobbit. Honestly 10/10 intimate experience
I love “Come as You Are.” I’ve purchased/given several away as gifts, and recommended it many times
What in the AI advertisement garbage???
This is relationship CPR. More couples need to hear this before it’s too late.