Hi, everyone! I’ve posted before and have had very kind and informative comments. I’m just kind of worried and at a loss. I’m trying not to think this way, but things are heating up and it makes me worried about the stability of our wedding day.
Recently, my future MIL has decided that she is going to lose her marbles. She cried huge crocodile tears during our engagement party about losing her boy to my mother (she had no idea what to do) and has been on the downhill ever since. My fiancé’s neighbor called him, detailing her screaming in the neighborhood streets at future FIL and then barging into their home talking about how BIL is going to hurt himself all sorts of things (nothing was true). She sent a tirade of messages about how she’s “always fought” for fiancé, jumped out of moving vehicles for him (?), and his “stupid fucking wedding” is costing them all thousands of dollars (they are not paying for anything). Fiance did not engage. Future FIL called, apologized for future MIL’s behavior, and said they’re working on some “resources” to get her help. I was hopeful they’d get her some real psychiatric help, fiance said nothing would happen.
Fast forward a couple weeks later, I receive a text from my future aunt in law. She’s asking about what shoes to buy for future MIL. She also bought the dress for future MIL as well. I ask her if everything is okay and she says that “there were some issues, but everything is better.” And promptly sent us money to go have dinner and “not worry.”
My fiance has been trying to get into contact with his dad, but it feels like he’s dodging calls saying he’s “hanging out with his friend from high-school” and never reaching back out. Future MIL did not apologize and decided to send a follow up text message about bird facts.
I feel like I’m going insane. She should be in some sort of psychiatric facility or receiving help of some kind. This is her cycle of freaking out, getting it kind of together, and then freaking out again. I’m worried that she will have an unholy meltdown during the wedding and at any big moment for the rest of our lives. I’m trying to relax and enjoy it. My fiance has been very supportive. We’ve leaned on his therapist for help. It just feels like this big storm that’s about to explode all over a very important day.
My fiance is of the opinion that the further away we get and the less we know, the better off we will be. I’m just hoping we never have to be in such close contact with them again. We were at first worried that they wouldn’t make it to the wedding (destination). Now I’m hoping that they miss the flight and just don’t make it. I feel like that makes me a terrible person. How do I move forward with this?
I know I really shouldn’t worry. It’s very hard for me not to. I’m not very good at handling unpredictable life events and this is making everything very chaotic.
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You can’t control her behavior. So start letting go of that.
But you and SO need a game plan. If she shows up and she’s a mess, what are you going to do? Have her escorted out? Ignore it and keep it moving? Do you need to get security? Tip off certain bold family members to keep an eye on here?
And long term, what access will she have to you both? What about future children?
Focus on what you can control: your reaction to her behavior. If she acts a fool, don’t give her the power of ruining your special day. It’s supposed to be a day celebrating the joining of two people. So keep you and your SO centered.
The further away you can get, good. The less you know? Not good, it keeps you from planning. Ask some large friends to stick close to her at the wedding, with permission to eject her the minute she steps out of line. Probably not the aunt who is rug-sweeping.
your fiancé can’t put his head in the sand and not look at the situation. His mother is obviously not well. Fiance needs to fly home and access the situation, in person. He needs to determine if his mother is healthily (mentally) to attend the wedding. If FMIL is not, and attends the wedding, guarantee 100% it will be a nightmare. Your fiancé needs to make an honest evaluation even if it means talking to her doctor. FFIL and future aunt will do anything they can to have her attend the wedding – including lying about her health.
If fiance decides FMIL is not healthy to attend the wedding, he needs to tell his family that FMIL cannot attend. If this is the case, perhaps you can arrange for an internet viewing, in real time, of the wedding for FMIL.
If this was me, and FMIL attended the wedding, I would hire security and the first moment FMIL causes a problem, she is escorted out – absolutely would do this. Also, I would have fiance tell his family ahead of time that is what will happen.
I understand that perhaps FMIL can’t control herself, and it really is an unfortunate situation, but you and fiancé need to fully recognize the situation and address the problem.
Dig deep into your inner peace. She will be who she is and that will absolutely NOT reflect on who you are or who your partner is.
Ease yourselves away from all the trauma spinning. Ask a trusted person to have your back and front and be the mil manager.
After the honeymoon find a really good therapist – one who deals with boundaries, trauma and managing family.
Good luck. Enjoy and celebrate.
Ugh I feel for you, I was just talking with my fiancé recently about the stress I have about my FMIL coming to my upcoming bridal shower and wedding. If he’s aware of the situation (and the severity) then talk to him about boundaries he can communicate to her before the wedding with consequences if she acts up. Right now we’re coming up with a list of boundaries that my fiancé plans to text his mom for my bridal shower (lol wish us luck).
Also, just remember the more fear and anxiety you show when she’s around, the more control it gives her because she’ll know it struck a nerve and that’s exactly what she wants (and I know it’s easier said than done, trust me my FMIL is also extremely unhinged and need to take my own advice lol). But seriously trying to remain as unaffected as possible in her presence is key. Another thing I do is nicely call her out in a way, like “that was an odd thing to say, why would you say that?” It kind of puts her on the spot and makes her explain her bizarre comments and behavior.
If your fiancé isn’t fully aware of how severe her behavior is or just trying to ignore/avoid/minimize it, then definitely discuss that with his counselor in a couples session. It took me and my fiancé a year and a half to finally get to the point where he mostly sees his mother’s extremely toxic behavior and negative impact on him and others. Even so, he has his moments of guilt “because it’s still his mom,” but is learning to work through those feelings and realize he has nothing to feel guilty about since he was the one abused by her his entire life.
All in all I totally get where you’re coming from it’s a really hard situation and puts a huge damper on something that’s supposed to be one of the best moments of your life, I’m right there with you lol. Just remember at the end of the day you and your fiancé are a team, he’ll be right there with you the whole time and hopefully with some boundaries in place FMIL will keep her shit together. And if not honestly ask security or staff at the venue to escort her out because that’s definitely part of our plan lol