Weed use in marriage
My husband, 39M, and myself, 31F, have been together for about 11 years and married for 6.
We both had to go through a rehab program for opiate addiction. I have been sober for over 3 years from everything. He periodically will have a beer. Recently however, he has started using THC- gummies and edibles, then recently smoking. It doesn’t trigger me or bother me, but in the last few weeks his usage has increased. He went from never smoking weed, for years, and now he is high in some form from THC all day. I wake up and he is high, I come home from work and he is high, I go to bed and he is high.
I feel like we are no longer connecting and not on the same level/consciousness. I don’t mind if he smokes here and there, preferably at night as we have children together. But is become so excessive and starting to bother me. Yet when I bring it up, he doesn’t care about my feelings. It is significantly affecting our relationship and I’m truly contemplating leaving because he has no plans to minimize or stop the usage. Not to mention the money being spent.
Any advice is appreciated. I’m at the point where I’m unhappy enough to almost call it quits, but our lives, financials, children, housing, etc are so entangled that it’s much easier said than done.
TL;DR My husband’s, 39M, weed use is really affecting me, 31F, our relationship and our connection. I don’t know what to do about it, and am looking for advice on next steps
Comments
He has a weed addiction and he’s not functional. I smoke weed every day but I’m present and I get my shit done for my family. Unfortunately he has to realize he has an issue otherwise nothing will get better. There are outpatient programs, drug and alcohol specialists, support groups, etc. if he doesn’t think he has a problem none of that will matter though. Tell him your relationship is at stake and if that doesn’t get through to him you may have a hard decision to make
I think its okay to tell him something like “I know addiction is hard and we both have done so well with our recovery. I have very serious concerns that your weed use is sliding back into addiction territory. Can we discuss this with (medical professional, rehab team, NA, someone specializing in addictions) and make sure you are stay on track?”
If he says no, I think its also okay to tell him something like “I have worked too hard for my sobriety, and I cannot stay in a situation where I watch you go through an addiction. If you continue to not address this situation, I will be leaving for my own well-being.”
Divorce is never ever easy. But don’t let yourself be in a situation that causes harm to you or your children.
> Yet when I bring it up, he doesn’t care about my feelings
As long as this remains true, there’s nothing you can do to save the marriage. He has decided that his weed use is more important than your feelings, and you’re not going to change his mind on that.
You can try to convince him to go to couples therapy, but generally therapy only works if both partners are willing to listen, and both partners are willing to change.
Outside of that, your only other option is telling him bluntly (pun intended) that his drug use is threatening the marriage, and if he wants to stay married he needs to take your concerns seriously. That may knock some sense into him, but frankly I’m not sure I’d want to stay with a partner who decided to shut me out. If you have to threaten divorce to get him to listen, your marriage is not exactly on stable ground.
He is an addict. Weed like literally every psychoactive substance, can be abused. As I am sure you are aware, addicts habituate the abuse of substances. It may not be opiates which have a physical addiciton, but he is falling into old habits of escalation and needs to find a 12-step or something similar and stop with the THC. If he gets argumentative about it (and he likely will, because addiction) use the health implications as a point of concern. There is a common misconception that weed is harmless, but increasing evidence shows that moderate to heavy usage leads to a significant increase in cardiovascular disease. And smoking causes cancer no different than cigarettes. Tell him you feel like you are no longer connecting, that you worry about his health, and that you miss the sober him. Ask him if there is anything stressing him out and if there is a better way you can help him address his stress.
This is really concerning. Does he have a job?
I wouldn’t want my kids to be around someone who was high all the time, especially since I’m guessing they’re fairly young.
It stinks as well, it would bother me so much to be around that every single day…
Not to mention you’re also a recovering addict.
Addict is an addict. You can get addicted to pretty much anything including weed. Some addictions are worse than others. Smoking weed all day every day is bad for your health and relationships and it’s not real. Talk to people who did this and stopped and they will tell you they had a lot of clarity in their brain. It also changes your sleep. Your body needs a break. Obviously it’s not as bad as opiates but still not great. And it’s not like he will go through a withdrawal period.
First thing you have to get him to do is admit it’s too much. See if he is willing to cut back to just the weekends or a gummy before bed. And like 5 mg.