Today, I approached the elevator in my building to go up to my floor. A delivery man with a dolly was already in the elevator going down, after finishing up in the package room. When he saw me he walked out and motioned for me to go ahead. I said, “Thank you”, thinking he was being chivalrous. (Silly me.)
He said to me “I don’t get into elevators with a woman alone.”
I already knew where this was going, so I said, “That’s nice of you to be mindful that women have fears around strangers in elevators.”
He said “No, I don’t go into rooms alone with women anymore.”
And I took pause before saying “Sorry to hear that… sounds lonely…” and he cut me off to say “Women accuse men of too many wrongdoings these days.”
My blood immediately started to boil and I retorted “Maybe men should stop attacking women.”
I said this as the elevator door was closing. And unfortunately it opened again because he pressed the down arrow again before the doors closed completely (I’m assuming on accident). So I had to watch him walk down the stairs with his dolly as the doors closed again.
I’m still feeling anxious about the conversation. I should not have to deal with this on the way to my apartment (home). Am I overreacting? Or is this very strange behavior from a delivery guy? One of the other workers in the building mentioned the guy has anger issues. That certainly doesn’t make me feel better. Hopefully I’ll never get stuck in the package room with him alone.
Comments
He sounds like the kind of guy that thinks consent is stupid.
Dude is telling on himself, I think. I’m reminded of that one pilot from the latest season of “The Rehearsal” who talked about how he’d been banned from all these various dating apps, talking like, “You just can’t say anything anymore…”
Sadly, it’s something they include in training for managers and executives in the corporate world these days. It’s presented in the guise of liability, but truly, if men in “power” didn’t have a reputation of assault women, there wouldn’t be a need for it.
What a fucking incel piece of shit.
It’s really worrying how fast someone can turn a simple moment into something uncomfortable just because of their own messed-up mindset… and this guy really crossed a line by making it about control instead of safety. Maybe reporting him to the building management could help prevent others from running into him, but what do you all think should be done when people use fear as an excuse for discrimination?
“If you can’t control yourself from assaulting women, then it’s indeed a good idea to avoid situations where you’re alone with them.”
He’s been practicing that little speech in his bathroom mirror for months.
Sex offender on parole and resentful.
That guy’s an AH. He definitely pushed the button just to delay you.
Some reactive victimhood right there.
What should have been a benign elevator encounter spiraled into a tense moment of gender politics, personal boundary violations, and social mistrust.
To me, your response reflected the frustration of constantly having to defend basic truths in everyday interactions.
“Sounds like a you problem” should be your response if this happens again.
What a fucking idiot, telling all over himself and trying to paint himself as a victim.
I am SO glad you weren’t alone in the elevator with that man. He sounds very unsafe to be around.
>He said to me “I don’t get into elevators with a woman alone.”
The only response he’d have gotten from me is a head nod and silence. Men that try to start this kind of interaction want to stir a reaction, don’t let them have it.
u/BurbNBougie
That is not normal. Innocent men who don’t assault women would be totally respectful and not worry about getting accused. He might have a friend who got in trouble and lied about it, and he believed his garage beer drinking buddy.
Yes it’s weird, he’s had to keep going to force his opinion on you, a female. He could have kept his opinion to himself and not say anything. . . But no he had to tell you a stranger to make you uncomfortable. It’s a power play to put you in your place. He wouldn’t have done this to a man, or group of women
Sadly, there’s some truth in what he said about the risks to men of being alone with a woman in an elevator. This reminds me of how black people feel when getting in an elevator with a white person. The gossipy convo with the coworker about the guy having anger issues reinforced your own fears. How reliable is that info? A person can feel upset, even angry about the world, as it is these days, and not be violent. Who knows? Although, your analysis of /response to the situation is not totally unreasonable. There are a lot of suffering, hurt, and fearful people in the world. Your comment about him “being lonely” was personal & provocative. Your “blood started to boil”. Do you have anger issues? You think his comment was threatening. His reaction was to protect himself. By him stepping out, you rode safely in the elevator while he took the stairs. Yet you now feel concerned about him. Both his & your reactions to the elevator situation seem to be over-reactions. Life is complicated and it’s a challenge to understand where people are coming from.
“Better to be silent and merely thought to be a fool than to speak and remove all doubt…”
A lesson he never learned
Next time just say: “can you not dump your problems onto strangers? I really don’t want to hear all that, I just want to go home safely”. You have the right to just be left in peace, not to be harassed by men (yes I consider this harassment, women are hurt left and right, yet we also have to deal with denier’s micro aggressions like these).
It’s strange behavior. But his neurotic stuff is not something to engage with as long as he leaves you alone.
It’s infuriating that a lot of rapists genuinely do not believe they are rapists. They tell themselves things like “She came to my house voluntarily so she must have wanted it. She was just playing hard to get when she said “no.” But if she really meant no, she would have screamed and fought me off of her”. These mental gymnastics (often relying on scientifically disproven rape myths) allow a lot of real rapists convince themselves that they are the victim of “false” allegations.
I’ve represented hundred of SA survivors in my job, and among both the men and women survivors that I’ve represented, the most common response to being sexually assaulted was to freeze. Screaming and fighting back forcefully are actually pretty uncommon responses. I really really wish everyone knew this information.
He could have done that without saying that bullshit. He’s saying women are inherently evil and will seduce him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. He’s also saying he can’t fucking control himself. What an asshole. I would report him to whatever shipping company he works for. So fucking gross.
Men with low self-control/anger issues like this are extremely common. They’re even taught to embrace their rage. It’s why they’re significantly more dangerous not only on the street, but behind the wheel
I know a guy who worked for 20 years at a ritzy private girls school.
He told me he would never be in a room alone with a student.
And would also get out of an elevator rather than ride with just one student.
The guy is nuts. Normal men don’t say this crap at all. They may be mindful silently but men regularly get into elevators and spaces like this with me and the vast majority don’t act like this at all. If they feel weird about it they’ll find a way to fake a polite excuse like taking a call or something (usually they just get in the elevator and concentrate on not raping me, which should be incredibly easy).
Only men that have done things in the past and are pissed off that they’ve been called out on it act like this. It’s creepy and rude af to be taking it out on you.
I guess he’s just trying to find new ways to ruin women’s days.
Your instincts are always right if someone feels off.
The guy has a bug up his ass about some interaction he had, or post/news he read, and now he needs to let everyone know how “crazy” the world has gone.
He either did something inappropriate and got called on it, or he read a rage-bait Facebook or similar post and feels like he needs to take it out on everyone else.
Crazy how it could have gone a different way. He could have just let you go on your own and waited, said nothing, and you would have thought “oh, that was thoughtful” and he would have avoided potentially being victimised by an evil, predatory woman, just laying in wait to accuse him of something he didn’t do… You know, like the ones you read about on Facebook.
Because he was the real victim.
What a sausage.
Hope you get over the anxiety of thinking about it.
PS that bit where the door opened again after you got out your parting quip in the lift was soooooo awkward! I actually said “oh god” out loud when I read that bit.
Either this guy himself or one of his pals got in trouble over assaulting a woman and claims he was totally innocent and the woman made it all up…
The real signal that this was a power play was forcing you to wait by pushing the button again.
This reminds me of the remark that “Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”
Although I suppose if all men followed the Billy Graham Rule there’d be way less for us to worry about.
Why are some men like this? I swear to my time. Just for comparison, I’ll tell another elevator story.
I’m a middle aged straight white woman, married for many years, and I live in a rather conservative part of the country. My husband and I were on vacation in Seattle for our anniversary about 12 years ago. I went down to the lobby in my long silky robe to grab coffee first thing in the morning.
I got in the elevator going up with a lesbian couple. Now in theory, I’m someone they might be attracted to, I’m outnumbered, they’re both bigger and stronger than me. Did it cross my mind to feel threatened? Hell no! I made small talk, joked flirtatiously, and got off the elevator giggling.
If it was two men of the same approximate age and size? I would have definitely been alert and kept to myself. Or maybe even skipped the ride and walked up. And I’m no manhater. Just a realist.
Thats such a weird interaction. As a white woman I understand why a black or brown man would avoid being alone with me (Emmit Till etc etc) but what happened to you was weird. Like he deliberately raised the red flag at the earliest opportunity…
I find that giving them a weird look and just saying “ok” works well
🤷♀️i hope he enjoyed the stairs.🖕
He was trying to be an asshole. Congrats to him i guess, for his success. Men are afraid women will say something bad about them, women are afraid they’ll die.
Is it chivalrous to not share an elevator with a woman or is it condescending and weirdo behavior?
I don’t perceive this as an attack against you? Just more like this guy is overly paranoid.
What a freak. Sounds like a predator.
That response was shower-comeback perfect.
He should just start wearing a uniform with red flags all over it.
Good on you for responding the way you did. Put the idiot in his place 👍
Being falsely accused of sexual assault can be a traumatic experience, and some men experience triggers by being in enclosed/isolated spaces with women. Had he simply said “No thank, I’ll take the next one” then I would have given him every benefit of the doubt. But the moment he has to push the point and say that bullshit, it’s clear that he’s not a victim, he’s a victimizer, and he knows it.