Went back to LDR after living for 6 months with DH’s family

I (24F) met my DH (25) online, we’ve been together for 2 years and married a year ago. We’ve had a perfect relationship up until his mom started to show her true self. Last December I moved countries to live with him and his family. Before that we’d meet in person on 4 vacations in another country that’s between our countries. DH and IL’s have never met my parents. Neither of us could speak each other’s first language, I speak English with DH, IL’s don’t speak English. I started learning DH’s language when we confessed and decided to live together in the future. DH said that when he told his parents about me, he said they either accept me or he moves out (this is important for later).

On our first vacation (August) I met his parents for the first time. I didn’t have any prejudice or bias against them at the time and genuinely looked forward to get to know them. Red flag I ignored back then: FMIL said I should smile more.

Second vacation (November-December) was DH’s gift for my bday, we lived together for 3 weeks. His parents tagged along in the middle of the trip. Red flags I missed that time: FMIL kept saying I don’t realize how lucky I am that I’ll get to live in a house with my DH and not in a shelter like other immigrants and refugees (I was weirded out and annoyed by how she kept saying it, and now I gett why, she already decided I was an ungrateful brat); suggested I bribe a visa center worker when applying.

Third vacation (March-April) was when we had our wedding and I was done with her almost from the beginning. The first thing she did the morning we arrived was to invite me and DH to their room and give us wedding gifts. It was by no means urgent, we had night flights and we were going to do legal preparations in a few hours. As soon as we got back to our room I just cried out of sleep deprivation and stress in bed cuddling DH up until the person called to pick us up. We needed to take pictures for marriage certificate and I looked like shit with half my makeup gone. When we got done, IL’s were taking a nap. Fast forward to the day before wedding, we went to try our wedding rings on. When I was taking mine off, it flew away and rolled across the table, the jeweler caught it. We’re back in the hotel, IL’s want to sit at the terrace so we go there. FMIL was poking at my hand, touching my engagement ring, I asked DH what she wanted, he said “to take it off”, I said “no” (in a surprised/concerned manner) and pulled my hand away. FMIL got offended, had to talk with DH one on one, had him freak out that they would disown him. DH insisted I was in the wrong, I overreacted and should apologize. I told him this is insane to get offended and freak you out so bad over such a thing and that he should reconsider keeping contact with them. He said JNMIL also pointed out how I barely greeted them and if she didn’t come close I would ignore her completely. I realized they just dislike me and looked for every excuse, DH tried to convince me they don’t. In the end, I apologized, she didn’t. Next day was the wedding, she wore black (I didn’t pay attention but my mom later pointed it out), acted as usual. I think even before the wedding she said that I’m marrying not just DH but his family too. Another red flag. But I went along with the wedding because I didn’t want to lose the love of my life. I regret not rocking the boat and setting my boundaries straight. Before we were going to leave, JNMIL yelled at DH that he should lay his clothes (jeans, windbreaker and a knit sweater) straight or it will get wrinkled and people will think they’re asocial. And he just followed.

After the wedding my relative found out about it and suggested my mom I apply for the passport of another country I qualify to be citizen of that’d allow me to enter DH’s country too. DH had to register our marriage in his country first so he had the marriage certificate. I couldn’t proceed with passport application without it. He suggested we could make a weekend trip around August to meet and hand the papers, since he didn’t trust the mail. But then his family planned a whole vacation for everyone including me in that country in October, DH took the leftover days off for it. There was a long break between this and the next trip, and during that JNMIL texted me often. The day I was supposed to have a driving exam she texted me complaining that I won’t come to them and I take too long to complete my legal matters and they hate this country where we go for vacation so bad and don’t want to go there anymore. I got reasonably offended because she blamed me for taking too long to prepare my papers while I can’t proceed because DH has the marriage certificate and we could’ve met already had they not planned the trip to this “terrible” country. My whole squad was laughing at her planning a trip for 8 people in a country she allegedly hates. I told DH I didn’t like this behavior, he said she’s just being supportive and compassionate and she’s very sad that I’m not moving yet. That day it turned out DH isn’t going to live with me apart from his parents and he was never gonna move away from them. I realized I have an SO problem and was miserable.

On the fourth vacation I didn’t have fights with JNMIL, only with DH. At one point I told him how his mother’s every action annoys the hell out of me and I can’t imagine us living together. He said it’ll all be fine. We were spending time together at 8 PM, JNMIL called halfway asking for instant coffee bags, and DH just went and brought it to her. He then regretted it and was afraid I’d hate him. And the last one was when I woke up early in the morning terribly hungry, was going to head to the canteen at the opening time, and DH said “why can’t you just wait for my parents to come for breakfast?”

In December I received my passport and was ready for the move. I told DH I didn’t want for JNMIL to come pick me because I’ll be overwhelmed after trip and don’t want her to get offended and ruin my day. He said she did everything for me to be there, booked trips and it would be unfair to her. Whatever, I arrived and it was fine for a while. In February I started language classes, DH said I shouldn’t worry about job before I finish them. IL’s haven’t worked since I’ve been there due to health reasons at only 56, but still think they’re better at being jobless than me. They applied me to McDonalds and wrote a cover letter that got me ghosted.

JNMIL went no filter and started to say much more unhinged things than before. Said she was friends with skinheads, suggested I apply for political shelter (aka embarrass myself at best because I’m neither a journalist nor a celebrity and pull a treason on my home country as an otherwise law-abiding young woman at worst), that if I was the “wrong” nationality they wouldn’t even look at me, that my whole family wants to immigrate and they should all come. JNMIL was creepy about DH, said he’d pick her over me, he chose to live with them and that she knows him way better than I do.

When I moved to their country, I could already understand spoken language but not speak, and IL’s had a big problem with that (she speaks 0 foreign languages btw). First she told us to not speak foreign language in public or we’d be taken for terrorists, later we would be interrupted while talking. Like I’d be talking with DH in English, FIL comes and starts talking to DH. I ask DH what the hell was that? He said “oh yea, they will do it now“, I said this is extremely disrespectful. Multiple times JNMIL had problems with my behavior, like when I went downstairs where there was only her, SIL and her older son, and JNMIL asked if I was going with them, I wanted to ask “where” and “for what” at the same time and said “what?” after staring at her with as confused face as possible to articulate that I don’t understand what she was talking about, she said “shopping” and I said okay. Then I went upstairs, checked my phone, saw that she texted me asking if I wanted to go shopping with them before and then “I’m not taking you with”. She legit got offended by how I asked “what?”, didn’t want any reasoning, never apologized and never acknowledged that this accident would make me not want to talk to them. DH wasn’t present there and to this day acts like a flying monkey about it, that “even toddler got terrified by how I said it” (the 6 y/o toddler who’s totally not influenced by his mom and grandma). Every conflict she’d go on a tirade of how they did everything for me, I’m very lucky to have it all, I could’ve had everything here but I must be missing my family and should go back home. Had problems with my voice and face and that I embarrass them in front of important people. Soon it also included that I hated them to begin with, never said a single word to them, crushed everything they gave me with my feet, that everyone told her I was a bad person, that there’s no love between me and DH and we should divorce, and it’s not bad if we do. Turned out ever since we’ve met she kept asking DH what was wrong with me and if I disliked them.

She also broke a zipper on my jacket and got offended that I got offended and said “it’s totally fucked up” that I didn’t like that she ruined an otherwise perfectly fine new jacket. She washed it without asking me for no reason, I only wore it twice that season. I’ve also repeatedly seen her unzipping shirts before doing laundry and assumed the obvious. No apologies, of course.

In April DH took 3 whole weeks off to work in the garden. I had to really beg him to spend time with me and my mental state started to decline. One faithful day JNMIL was talking to DH behind the door of our room when I was there laughing saying “I’ve never in my life met such a lazy girl! Has she done anything today? Just divorce already!”.

In the end of May DH forced me to go out of town together with IL’s. I was already significantly depressed and shortly after realized I was. JNMIL had a problem with my face, then when she smoked again and I walked away from the smoke abruptly she lost her shit and went on an unhinged tirade for hours in the worst redneck accent calling me a snake, stupid cow, worst personality ever, no decency, no values, that my parents were unfair to me for a good reason, they know I’m a bad person and my mom must be a stupid cow too for having raised me like that, claimed I refused to work, and that this time I’m finally going back home and she’ll ask lawyers to make sure I don’t get anything. She still had the audacity to expect an apology from me. DH said we’re gonna rent an apartment, then it turned into me having to start working and make enough for deposit. I convinced DH to do couple counselling, and after the first appointment I got over with the idea of going home and waiting for him to grow up. He tried to negotiate with them, they had an idea to move their bedroom into the garage. IL’s were surprised I was leaving! They all including DH left me hanging for days before booking my tickets, had a stupid conversation where JNFIL asked whether I really want to go home and for how long, to which I said I don’t want to, I just have no hope with this woman and it’ll take a while for DH to be able to cut contact with them. To which JNMIL said the most appropriate thing to tell a stressed out person, that their whole family is on the federal police’s watchlist and I will be arrested in the airport either there or at home and put into a prison. She also said she was sorry that I drove her to the edge.

They arranged a “farewell breakfast” for JNMIL’s friend and GFIL during which mostly JNMIL talked. She said that in her opinion, I’m not coming back after I leave. I almost snapped once again. DH says she meant I wouldn’t be able because of potential travel limitations and not that we’re gonna break up as she clearly meant.

I wished JNMIL wouldn’t come along to take me to the airport. It, of course, was ignored by DH again. She was yapping insults on the way, saying I was crazy and I ruined my life and it’s all my fault, was blasting music, tried to force me to listen to her, probably asked DH to pull my earphone out when he did that and gave me a figurine of garden gnome showing a middle finger as a “farewell gift”, said she had enough with the both of us. DH forced me to take the “gift” and didn’t let me throw it away right there.

I’m back home for almost a week and still not arrested. My family is disgusted by JNMIL’s behavior and can’t be fooled. And I know this happens to women that have degrees, work and speak the same language too, so it’s not my fault. It is very weird to expect me to give my partner’s parents as much attention as I give him and basically become friends with them.