Hello! This is my first post here please bare with me it might be long with the backstory. I need advice on what to do now, please.
I met my husband 10 years ago, we got married 7 years ago and the relationship with my MIL has been awful from the very beginning (husband has been on my side).
I met my husband in an English speaking country which he had lived in with his family for around 10 years before I met him (since he was about 11 yo), we met at university and his parents lived relatively close so I met them pretty early on. They HATED me. They made it clear that they wanted him to marry a girl from his home country, they couldn’t communicate with me basically at all with the language barrier (they didn’t speak English) and overall they blamed me for how much he was (or wasn’t) visiting home. Please keep in mind I had just met this man and how often he was going home had literally NOTHING to do with me. He told me the relationship was strained and his mum had put a lot of pressure on him to remain in the family home etc so he didn’t get on with them well before he met me but his mum was blaming me because it made her feel better.
Fast forward a few years, he proposed – MIL was not happy that he didn’t tell her first. We moved about 200 miles away when we graduated to where I lived before – MIL was furious. We set a date to get married local to where we now lived – MIL said if we didn’t get married in their native country she wasn’t going, if we did invite entire extended family she wasn’t going (we had a v small wedding, we had just graduated we were broke!). When she was told when and where the wedding was she just said no. They argued, husband cut contact and that was that, his parents didn’t come. Husbands brother begged husband to just do what MIL wanted and get married in their native country, he also ended up not coming.
During this time MIL sent messages like ;
I hope you have an unhappy marriage
I hope you can never have children
I hope you’re both miserable forever
Etc etc.
All messages were to husband – nothing to me directly.
During this time BIL reached out to me basically saying that yes the mum blamed me for a long time and hated me but she’s over it now she knows husband is the problem and she is mad with him for ‘abandoning her’ and begging me to make him make up to her.
I just said I didn’t want to be involved at this point and passed all messages to my husband to deal with.
2 years later husbands dad passed away and a distant relative reached out to me to let me know. MIL and BIL both tried to contact him but were blocked, neither contacted me. Husband didn’t really want to go to a funeral or anything but honestly I convinced him to speak with his mum and try he there for her and go to the funeral. In the end he did and the relationship has been ok ever since. Contact is limited and it’s all a little pretend but there is some level of contact.
Ok so finally more currently;
I had a baby 2 years ago (after 4 miscarriages and a v bad time).
My husband had told MIL and BIL that when we were ready we would invite them but to please give us a few weeks with the newborn first. They called me everyday begging to come over, pleading with me to meet the baby. Day 6 I let them come. MIL comes in and within 5 minutes asks me to make her a cup of tea (husband didn’t like that lol). They stay a few hours and everything is ok.
MIL still texts maybe once every week or saying ‘send me pictures and videos’ and has a basic conversation with husband, says the baby (I guess toddler now) is cute, she never asks how the baby is, what she’s learned, what she likes etc. just pics and vids. I do allow this to just to keep the peace. She’s seen the baby once more since that new born visit but caused a fight because we said we would rather she didn’t stay in our home. We don’t have a spare room, our baby was still waking up 4+ times a night, the baby doesn’t know her and honestly she’s hard work, just stay in a hotel! . she caused a huge scene and made a big thing of only coming for 2 hours. The baby was about 18 months at the time and didn’t know her and cried every time she tried to interact with her, it was not nice. She brought clothes and toys for the baby.
So here we are, present day. I am 7 months pregnant. MIL doesn’t know. I feel so conflicted because she does have some very basic contact with us but if I tell her and she demands to come meet the new baby I feel my toddler would be really upset. My toddler did not take to her last time she came so I can’t imagine this would be any different and it will be a vaulerable time for my toddler as well?
Is it okay if I just don’t tell her? My husband wants to just cut contact completely but I feel like it would seem out of the blue for her and it’s so easy to just reply every couple of weeks? But should I just agree with him?
Sorry this was so long and probably all over the place.
Comments
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You can tell your DH what you want and what you don’t want (for example, that she comes too soon after birth, that she plans to stay with you, etc.). Then you let him communicate with his mother.
If he wants to cut ties, let him!
Follow DH’s lead
Your husband knows his own family so in this instance I would definitely do as he has requested.
If your husband wants to cut contact and she stresses your toddler out, not to mention the demands and drama she puts on you..
Why are you putting her wants above your families needs? Follow your husbands lead.
Omg if my husband wanted to cut all contact with my toxic mil, I would be internally dancing and smiling so hard lol I wish that was my situation 😂 but on a serious note, after everything you said, you should respect his wishes because he’s been dealing with her all his life and it probably kills his mental state to be around her. She also sounds a lot like my mil, whom I had to confront and cut contact with a few weeks ago. It was the best decision I ever made haha
OK so been trying to figure out how to say this delicately however I’m none too good at that. Here goes, however;
Your husband wants to cut contact for a reason, and going by what you’ve described, that reason is valid, and I’m pretty sure this is something he’s put a lot of thought into it.
Im a guy who is estranged from his mother (third go around, permanent this time); from personal experience I can tell you it takes a lot to break from abusive mothers, due to things like fear of reprisals, guilt, familial pressure etc. It’s not uncommon for our normal metres to be screwed because of how we’re brought up.
With me, it took a nasty moment of clarity to recognise what kind of person my mother is, and yet, I still went back in the hopes she changed (naturally, she hadn’t) twice. I went nc to protect me and my family from her. The trigger point recently wasn’t even something she did to me, but she tried to get me involved in a smear campaign against my brother in law. I realised that I’m not her only victim, and would likely target others, and cut her off for good.
Obviously I dont know for certain what kind of person your MIL is, but I can make a few guesses based on what you described. Your SO, however, does. I strongly recommend you listen. People don’t cut off their parents without a damned good reason.
It’s the right thing to not tell her. Follow your husbands lead. You should have blocked them the minute you found out your partner has them blocked.
You pushed for renewed contact and it predictably isn’t going well because she hasn’t changed. Let the relationship go as it was naturally doing before you interfered.