As an avid reader, I see far too many examples of male characters that uphold unrealistic expectations or perpetuate stereotypes, especially if said character is involved with another romantically. What advice would you have for female authors to make male characters more relatable and realistic?
Thanks for your time!
Comments
get a male co author
I recently saw a Batman panel where Batman was addressing a man easily twice his height and weight and his dialogue bubble said “You small, small man.”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Just ask dudes you trust (and that trust you) about how they think a character would respond to certain situations and take inspiration from that. Or ask internet strangers (like here). Either way you’ll get good insight into the minds of guys in the specific scenarios you’re writing about.
Interact with men regularly outside of sex and dating.
Would you trust the average male writer to accurately represent a female character? As a male, I wouldn’t.
The best advice is to find males who are willing to give you their input.
Get away from peak physical appearance.
Never make a ‘he was an ass but she fixed him’ story.
Adress the unique problems men face with romance and relationships.
Try reading how male authors write their characters. Try to analyze how they interact with others, how they approach problems, and what their inner dialogue is like. Take into consideration that this will have differences based on the culture and period in which it is written but that is just a reflection on the changes time makes to cultures and the people who live in them.
This is a problem male authors have too when writing from the perspective of women.
Trying having the character use logic and take accountability for his actions.
Hi, I offer my services as a straight white 36 year old dude to offer my opinions reactions and intrusive thoughts if you have hypotheticals you want a male opinion on. I’m married too so it’s not like I’m a toxic nightmare.
Other than that, be mindful of his experiences, his expectations and his core beliefs. What influences shaped him. Compare and contrast with your experience.
If growing up, you were encouraged to be demure, what would be different if you were encouraged to be confident. If your value came from being pretty, what if instead you were valued for being strong. That sort of stuff.
I have a sister. We gre up in the same family, same house. She became a people pleaser, dependent on external validation. I became cavalier, aloof, and independent through minimizing my needs, what’s and expectations. We had the same parents, same home life, but drastically different lessons, so that’s why I figure stay rooted in your experience but polarized in other regards. It will avoid having a caricature or stereotype of a man.
Maybe don’t always make the main protagonist strong.
Base them on someone you know and like. That’s honestly the most bulletproof depiction you can have and can draw back on
The same advice people give to male authors writing female characters.
Just write a character. The gender is a detail like hair color or fasion sense.
A problem with a lot of male characters, particularly in regards to romance, is the use of incredibly toxic behavior to show affection. Overly lusting at every meeting. Starting fights with every dude that looks at her or threatening to kill them. Sleeping with hundreds of women prior. Breaking into her house to watch her sleep. Other genuinely creepy behaviors.
Don’t do that.
I’ll give advice I’ve seen about writing women: write the character, not the gender. Goals and motivations are intrinsic. They do not depend on the existence of others.
Don’t assume female ‘basic behaviours’ are male ‘basic behaviours’.
My ex was writing a novel when we dated. Her protagonist was dating the 20 year old captain of the university rugby team. She had the guy doing a complex skin care routine before bed. Was just so silly. Maybe times have changed, but certainly at that time that would have been extremely out of character for a young rugby boy. She just assumed ‘that’s what people do before bed’
Author Abbie Emmons may be able to provide some help. She has a YT video on the subject called “Write Believable Male Characters: Avoid This Mistake!”
My own opinion. Let the male characters do things that you don’t agree with. Men aren’t heros or villians. They are distributed in a spectrum between the two. Everyone acts in accordance with their upbringing and own self interests. So, lean into your character’s background. They may make mistakes but still help granny cross the road on a rainy Tuesday.
Base them on characteristics from men in your own life or men you know of. If you are female, you might have a tendency to write men in extremes. For example, I myself act very differently in certain contexts than my friend. But, neither of us are extreme in anyway.
The most difficult part is getting the dialog right. Yes, there is locker room talk when some guys are in groups, but it’s not as bad, mostly, as you think. Nor do we talk about the same things as women. I was a hairstylist for many years, so I’ve spent hours listening to both men an women. There’s a lot of similarities, we approach things differently too. And that shows in dialog.
I write as a hobby, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.
We are more than anger, aggression, and being horny
Actually give them emotional depth and intelligence. Make them insecure and uncool and overly anxious. Make them hyperanalytical or purposefully dumb. Give them character. Make them not learn until it’s too late. Make them have an appreciation for beauty or feminine things that aren’t a love interest. Give them relatable struggles. A man that endures a lot mentally but remains calm or positive earns respect from other men. The enduring human spirit.
What kind of stuff are you reading where the men are so badly written? I generally acclaimed literary fiction, and the male characters generally are pretty good, whether written by men or women.
Make him a real guy, not a cologne commercial
Make him a twink …. I like twinks
Don’t have them all super willing to talk deeply about their feelings. A lot of guys don’t know how they feel about some things because we don’t even think about it. And we don’t think about feelings because feelings don’t control our lives. We literally go through our every day lives not thinking about how we feel about anything.
In fact, a very accurate conversation could be:
Her: how do you feel about this?
Him: I don’t know.
Her: what do you mean ‘I don’t know’
Him: I don’t know, I haven’t given it any thought
Her: how can you not even think about it?
Him: why would I think about it?
Her: why wouldn’t you think about it?
Him: that makes no sense
Her: 🤦♀️
Give them depth of character. Don’t make them a brooding asshole that somehow everyone loves. Allow them to express emotions beyond anger, horniness, or other generally negative sterotypcially male emotions. Find a middle ground between arrogance and self-loathing.
If he’s going to be attractive, that’s cool, but be original. I’m sure I shouldn’t have to tell you that not everyone has the same tastes in beauty, and not every man is some chiseled, dark-haired, tanned-skin god-among-men looking dude. Also, unless you can demonstrate that the dude is a fitness nut, he probably doesn’t need to be jacked to the tits. In real life, guys who do physical labor typically aren’t built like a bodybuilder.
Talk to the men in your life and see what kinds of things they’re actually interested in and note how they light up when they’re talking about something they’re excited or knowledgeable about. I can assure you that guys are into more than just cars, guns, and beer.
Tldr; Just make them real people.
A friend of mine asked me the same thing, she’s a writer. I told her to give her male characters a thing, something that they’re unexpectedly attached or sentimental about or to. I would understand a lot better if instead of describing his shirt, you told me about the band whose logo is on the shirt. Does that man have a pokemon card collection somewhere? Is he into pro-wrestling?
Read Glen Cook’s The Black Company, lol.
Men are very much not perfect, and are very, very often not acting in a sexy manner. We also don’t usually immediately fall in love with very basic people (like divergent).
Instead of writing how you’d want a male character to act, think about how a couple of your male friends would act, and then choose one. You can tweak it slightly and still have it be realistic, but if it makes them seem like a different person then you’ve probably gone to far.
no talking in the mens room.
The worst trope is that the male leads always know the right thing to say and do, that they can more or less read her mind, her desires so deep that she isn’t even aware of them. That they’re strong, fearless, perfect with no weaknesses, traumas or insecurities.
The thing is men are far more like women than writers like to say, they receive similar judgments and harsh treatments they just have to weather them silently else they be seen as weak.
Maybe the way to write it is to make it seem men experience the exact same feelings and fears but slightly muted as compared to women.