TW.
About two years ago I was pretty traumatized by misogynistic men.And to this day, I still find myself ruminating on it. Recently I listened to a podcast that interviewed a woman called Rev angel Kyodo Williams, and her story really struck a cord in me, and had me realize, I haven’t really sat quietly with myself since these instances occurred.
So for the last two weeks I have really been sitting with it/ looking to get back to myself and my ease of being in my own skin. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am taking up space in my own body.
I am in therapy and it doesn’t always feel like a cure all and yes it can help, but trauma and grief works in very mysterious and non-linear ways.
I’m just curious, what do you do to bring comfort and ease after such devastating experiences? Even if you have only realized months-years later how you have been affected?
It’s weird how we can turn off for months/years after the fact/ and not even notice how we have drowned everything out? It makes me weep. 😢
Comments
Learn to say NO. Then learn to say NO without a reason or excuse. Then say NO just because you don’t feel like doing whatever you’re saying NO to.
Do all of the things you shouldn’t, couldnt, wouldn’t do because that asshole wouldn’t like it.
Do new things and new hobbies.
Write in a journal when you feel confused.
Be patient with yourself, this takes time.
You’ve got this 😉
ETA: Eat white cheddar popcorn for dinner, because you can!
I don’t get out of the way for men anymore. At all. Ever. If I’m walking and it’s up to one of us not to collide with the other, I make it be them. Sometimes it means I get a shoulder check but I played soccer so I just brace myself for it and it doesn’t hurt. They always look shocked. I keep moving and let them look like the asshole that they are. Mind you, I’m never walking in the middle of a path or on their side; I keep to the right, so this only happens if they’re in the wrong in the first place.
I started running my own life – paying bills, the rates, that sort of thing. The sky didn’t fall in. I was quite capable of doing it, contrary to my ex’s opinion.
I started writing fanfic, putting it up on the AO3, getting nice comments.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling the need to have a partner in the background. It’s only societal conditioning that makes us feel less than without a man, after all.
Then I started doing fairly major things on my own – travelling, going on a (short) cruise on a tall ship, getting a flying lesson in an open-cockpit biplane. Strangely enough, I found could do all those things.
The world is your oyster! Enjoy!
Just do whatever the fuck you want to and do it everyday, forever.
ive learned to let my thoughts/ memories for themselves and litterally move on.
what happened happened and does not define what i will do. i am aware what i feel towards these happenings, my position is clear and it helped alot to find the right words to describe it but im not ok with it defining who i am and ruining my life.
ive literally come to terms that nothing really matters in life, so why feed off bad memories.
some days (not alot like 3-5 times a year) i get sad and contemplate for a while but then i get myself together and move on. everything else just feels like a waste.
also im giving extra to be a decent human and stand up to things that bother me and tolerate alot less bs
The gym. I had worked on a lot of the mental and emotional part when it came to my trauma with men – but I always felt physically terrified of them. My husband got me into weightlifting when we first met and it’s helped me so much. I know I’m not as strong as most men, but knowing I can put up a damn good fight is very comforting. It makes me feel like I can exist in spaces as well. Good luck shoving me or bullying me into moving / making myself smaller. I’m a little tank.
Focus on your own goals and interests and build platonic relationships with a wide circle of family, friends, neighbors, and acquaintances.
Living well is the best revenge.
I was in an abusive relationship at 18. Married a different guy at 19 for protection and safety. It was a sham marriage. Went to therapy on and off in my early twenties. Never was nude. Never touched my own body. Depressed. Traumatized.
I froze for years.
And then I got recommended a trauma therapist who did EMDR therapy with me and I reclaimed my life. I divorced, moved, and had my own apartment for the first time ever. Had my first orgasm. Slowly I began to KNOW and understand and listen to my body.
I slowed down. Like WAAAAAAAY down. I had a support system that allowed me to slow down and not be homeless. Not everyone is as lucky.
Small ways? I don’t know. It only happened in big ways for me when it did happen.
Therapy helps! Talk about it. Even if you can’t say it out loud yet, ask the therapist to sit with you while you think about it and they can help guide you to coming back to your body in a safe space.
Breathwork. Yoga. Long baths. Anything that connects you back to your body-however that looks for you!
I’m 34 and happy. Genuinely happy with my life and the path I’m walking. I’m at peace. I’m not ashamed or depressed or guilt ridden or as angry anymore.
It’s a small step, I think, just making this post and putting it on your radar.
This is taking care of your HEALTH. You are worth it and important enough to be put first.
Do you ever do volunteer work? Reading at the library, or things like that?
It feels kind of shallow to say it like this, but: being on the receiving end of somebody else’s gratitude is monumental in terms of how it impacts my mental health. During COVID lockdowns I took a side gig as a ski instructor, and giving lessons to first-timers was so powerful for me that it didn’t even feel like a job (I’m sure it doesn’t hurt that I, y’know, like to ski.)
But it had nothing to do with actually skiing, it was about helping people to do something they wanted to do but didn’t know how to. If you’re able to make something like that happen in your own circumstances, I have found it to be so, just…affirming. There’s nothing quite like having somebody else tell you that they’re glad you’re good at something, y’know? And you can find ways to have that experience in your life.
It’s taken me a long time to even start processing some of the things that have happened to me. Something that has been really helpful is to get angry. I’ve tried to suppress my feelings for such a long time, and it paralyses me. Now I’m angry, I’m fucking furious about what people have done to me, and anger is a mobilising feeling. I’m a work in progress, but that anger really helps. It reminds me that what was done was not my fault, and not fair, and I don’t have to fucking deal with it again.
EMDR, yoga, Trauma informed yoga, things that help me sit quietly with myself
Ok this is going to sound weird but…
I learned through therapy that one of the reasons I had such a hard time letting go of trauma was because I wanted to protect myself from it happening again by learning from my past experiences.
I ignored my feelings of “wrongness” for so long that when I finally acted on them and left, I felt like I needed to keep those experiences close to me so I could learn from them and not make the same mistakes again.
So I’d obsessively think about it, to try to pound the lessons into my own head. Through therapy I reached the conclusion that maybe it’s not healthy for me to ruminate on it all the time, but “letting it go” felt too scarry. Like I’d lose track of those lessons again.
So in the end, under the direction of my therapist, what I did is imagine that I have one of those platform self-driving robots they use in Amazon warehouses to move boxes around following me around 24/7. (Mine hovers and I painted it pink).
When I find myself lost in rumination about the trauma I consider whether I need that particular piece of trauma to inform my decision right this instance or if it’s getting in the way of me focusing on the present.
If I don’t need it right now, I put it in an imaginary box, label it, and put it on my imaginary platform box-moving robot. That way I know where it is when I need it, and I’ll always have it on hand, but I personally don’t have to carry the load of it around with me all the damn time to keep track of it.
I physically go through the motions of doing this (in private). Which is and sounds super weird.
But it’s helped me a lot.
I have 1. Let myself grieve and process and 2. When I was ready, focused on my own needs and becoming who I want to be.
This is a small example but my ex hated when I did my nails with a lot of gems and glitter and decals and always criticized me for it . Ever since we broke up my nails are so extra and I love when I get them done and i walk out the salon and see alll the gems and bling glittering in the sun just for me