This has been on my heart for a long time. I’m a mom to two boys (10 and 7), with another little one on the way. For many years, I raised them on my own.
One of my biggest concerns has always been that, as a woman, my life experience may not fully prepare them for what it means to grow into a good man. While many values—like kindness, honesty, and empathy—are universal, I know there are lessons specific to manhood that I might not naturally know to teach.
I want to raise thoughtful, respectful, emotionally intelligent young men who contribute positively to the world around them. But I know there may be blind spots in my parenting simply because I’ve never lived life as a man.
So I’m asking—what are the lessons you believe boys must learn before becoming men? What shaped you, or what do you wish someone had taught you? I’m open-hearted and truly want to do the best I can.
Thank you from a mom who just wants to raise the next generation of good men.
Comments
Growing up doesn’t mean they have to not have fun. My mom was awesome at supporting whatever hobbies and things I wanted to do (playing guitar, Star Wars, etc) but my dad always made me feel stupid because my interests were different than his. Guess what parent isn’t in my life anymore?
How to handle a world that follows none of the morals and expectations that you or they place on themselves.
Moral constancy’s greatest enemy is the burden that it places on the self. Being a good person doesn’t help you in many situations. Doing well by others is not a guarantee of reciprocity.
You have to give them a good reason to be better than the world around them. It’s much easier to be selfish and fall in-line with the norms of the present.
The world is headed for dark times and good people will dwindle the harder it gets.
To respect himself more. Self respect in men has been severely lacking for a long time.
Also, to not get caught up in the ”I’m not viable enough if I can’t attract women’ mindset” That tends to rise in mid to late teens. Guys need to know that there are so many others things in life that are more interesting/important. Unfortunately the aforementioned mindset is drilled into us from various media and cultures.
>While many values—like kindness, honesty, and empathy—are universal, I know there are lessons specific to manhood that I might not naturally know to teach.
Those values should be universal, but all too often they are not taught to boys as they’re growing. Instead what gets prioritized is what we have to do from a responsibility angle. It’s a string of rules, with very little left to teach them about how to feel, or what to feel about feeling. That is why there are so many emotionally unintelligent, reserved, or emotionally unavailable grown men.
If you teach them nothing but those universal values, that’s going to be better than what many boys get.
Just for the love of god keep them away from the far right pipeline
This may sound unimportant, but it is often overlooked. Make sure that by the time they are teenagers, they know how to give a proper handshake. I cannot tell you how important it is. If their dad is around, he’ll take care of it. If he is not around, find a man to teach them. At least the oldest one and he’ll pass it down the line.
It is your first impression among other men. “Hi, how are you” followed by a firm, but not a vice grip, handshake gives off a great first impression. And if they have a wet fish of a handshake, people will get a negative impression of them on a subconscious level.
It matters more than you think.
Consent. Informed consent. When embarking on romantic relationships “may I hold your hand” and “may I kiss you” are good starting points.
For as much as I hate to say this, especially to a mom who I am sure wants nothing but the best for her boys…the world is going to be against them. Guys, have no back up for mental health issues. We dont/haven’t been given the tools to articulate our feelings or how to work through them. Please for the love of everything good, give them those tools and do your best to make sure they always have each others backs. They are the only ones who will.
Instill in them a curiosity for the world.
Instill in them firm principles on which to stand.
Instill in them the capability for violence, but the wisdom for peace.
Instill in them a sense of duty and servitude, to their family, to their community, to their principles.
Instill in them compassion for the weak.
Instill in them a love for hard work, both physical and mental.
Instill in them an appreciation for nature.
Instill in them the courage to do what is right even when not popular.
Instill in them all these things, and you will do better than 90% of the boys who are raised by a father.
Teach them that strength isn’t silence. That it’s okay to cry, to be unsure, to ask for help — and that being kind doesn’t make them weak. A good man knows when to lead and when to listen. If they learn that from you, they’ll already be ahead of most of us
I didnt grow up with my dad. Rarely saw him. My mom always made sure that I could talk to her even if it was an uncomfortable subject. Try to do this. It will be really awkward and sometimes embarrassing but it will help teach them to get the answers they need in life. All too often, boys will not bring up a serious subject out of embarrassment. She taught me to be independent and how to do even the most “woman” things so I wouldn’t be dependent on someone else and get taken advantage of later in life. If they want to learn something. Let them.
Keep them away from porn, have that talk when the time is right.
The world will ridicule them, their masculinity, and their sexuality just because they are men. You need to teach them to ignore that or to push past it. To accept that who they are, how they feel, and how they choose to express that is good and accepted, regardless of what others think about them.
Teach them that they deserve a romantic partner that will respect them, and not treat them like some kind of monster, or a piggy bank.
Also, make sure to give them lots of doting affection. I barely received any kind of affection as a child, and it really fucked me up.
Allow them to feel comfortable expressing their emotions around you. Help them understand that their emotions are natural, normal, and expressing them does not impact their masculinity in any way, even as teenagers. This will help them greatly in learning how to regulate their emotions, and hopefully means that they will avoid becoming emotionally stunted adults, which is crucial if they ever want to have healthy relationships when they grow up. My mother never belittled me for crying or feeling distraught, and I feel like that helped me to stay in touch with my emotions even as I became an adult. I say this because it is extremely possible that they may end up believing that suppressing or otherwise significantly interfering with their own emotions may be ‘masculine’, ‘stoic’, or otherwise desirable. Being aware of their emotions won’t prevent them from having depression or whatever, but it will allow them to understand that they are depressed, and that is an important first step (I say this because I myself have had bad bouts of depression since high school, and understanding I was depressed felt crucial to starting the journey to escape depression).
Everything is temporary
Don’t be a pushover to your husband
House hold duties. Yes, it’s an obvious one, but they need to know how to do these things. Laundry, basics in cooking. The usual. It means they won’t expect you to do this for them in the future.
Macho bs is bs. Bullying is bs. Name-calling is bs. Women and animals are to be respected, and protected.
That you will be the only woman in their entire life that will love them unconditionally. May as well rip the bandaid off, now.
Sorry to tell you this – but a mother cannot show a boy how to become a man. Only a man can do that. Just like a father cannot can show a girl how to become a woman. It is about learning from example and behavior. Women raise their sons to be daughters. Men raise their daughters to be sons. Without a strong male presence your sons are going to have a lot of difficulty knowing what a man should be or should do. So yeah – that is why traditional families work.
Men and women are two totally separate beings emotionally, physically and spiritually. We need different things. We achieve them in different ways. Women rely on emotion and softness. Men on logic and strength, It does not mean men do not have the other, and voice versa. It means we approach life through own own way of looking at the world and dealing with it to succeed.
Morals, ethics, behavior – they are all different. Nature has designed us that way and people who think they know better will end up in the garbage heap of a failed experiment. Nature does not suffer fools lightly. Nature does not make mistakes. And Nature always wins. Always.
That being said you can be there for them and teach them what a real woman should be like – this is what you would do anyway – so that they will not pick up a 304 who will marry them and then dump them. Hopefully they will learn enough from you on that so they don’t make the biggest mistake of their lives. As a woman – this is the best you can do. For their sakes I hope it is enough.
Peace and good wishes to you. To your boys – strength and honor.
As someone who grew up raised primarily by a single mom, try to find them a good role model. I appreciate you doing your best, but it’s super helpful to be able to point to someone as an example of what to do, instead of just what not to do. I really didn’t have anyone until some of my highschool teachers and that was difficult.
Also, please don’t raise them to hate men. That’s a big hurdle to overcome. Don’t body shame them, don’t belittle them, don’t say they only got what they have because of privilege. Not all men doesn’t go very far when they’re told all the men they know are terrible.
Maybe I’m being mean but, you don’t/cant
I basically only had a mom and well that hasn’t turned out to my advantage
Most of the important lessons they’ll need have to come from other men. The best thing you can do is get them around good strong male role models.
Teach them to talk before yelling but to know how to yell.
How to learn
How to ask themselves hard questions
How to be a good person to those around you
The importance of physical fitness.
How to work hard
Most importantly How important it is to show the people you love that you love them
Heres an excerpt/prologue of a book Im writing about this exact topic…maybe it will help.
THE GROWN UP CHILD
Prologue:
Everyone knows the feeling. Being an outsider looking in. Watching others that are “in”. And you wonder… “Why not me?”. As a kid,I always felt separated from my friends and family because I was different. Not in a bad way, just different. A nerdy kid with a 4.2 GPA, cume laude, skateboarder, hoodlum stoner, that ran with the wrong crowd. But always home for dinner getting my homework done. A pimpled, braced up, bleached hair dichotomous teenager . They called me Red Jerad. Because of my anger issues and my tendency to fight. Call it short man syndrome, Call it teenage angst. Call it what you want. But they always knew they could look at me, and I would be “the guy”. That’s for a later chapter and that’s not me anymore anyways. But that werewolf still lives inside me…waiting for the full moon. This book…call it a memoir, or a story… It’s a story about a boy becoming a man. And I hope that a young man will read this and learn from it. Make mistakes, remember the girl that got away, fight the bully even if you lose. Make bad decisions, but learn from them. Then make good decisions. Get grounded by your parents. Do the dishes. Carry in the groceries. Walk away when you should have stayed…but stay when you should have walked away, Kiss the girl. Run. Don’t walk. Take the stairs two at a time, you’ll get there faster. Lie on your resume, nobody checks. Love hard, but be vulnerable. Don’t try to solve her problems, just listen. I’ve loved only 4 women in my life, Amy, Stephanie, Maria, and Carri. I lost all of them from being stubborn. Check your ego at the door, just because you think you’re right, doesn’t mean you are. Follow your dreams, even if nobody believes in you. FUCK…THEM! Be there for your friends, have their back, and tell them you love them. Use moisturizer on your face, lift heavy things, call your friends, drop them off at the airport and pick them up. Listen to your dad, shoot guns, don’t be afraid to cry, Learn to cook, call your mother, build a fire, take road trips, tie knots, change a tire, go snowboarding, take out the trash, go skydiving, wear sunscreen, get sunburned, catch a fish, catch an STD, pick up the bill, crash your car, do push ups, have a strong handshake and look them in the eyes, save your money but don’t be afraid to spend it. Barbecue a steak. Change your oil. Listen to loud music. Do burn outs. Buy a dog. Build a house, Paint a house, demolish a house. Swing a hammer. Swing an ax. Punch a punching bag. Plow your driveway. Mow your lawn and buy her flowers and watch out for angels. Don’t let the bridges you build deteriorate, because when you need them, your brothers will show up for you. So show up for them. My mother always told me. “Do not throw the first punch.” I say…FUCK. THAT. SHIT. This isn’t advice. Just my experience. If someone gains knowledge from it, use it. Or at least be entertained by it. Learn and grow. That’s all we can do. This book is dedicated to two people, my father, Gavin Cullen, who taught me to be the man I am today. Work hard, love your wife, and always set a good example for your children. The second, my friend Chris, without him and my fathers help, I would never have achieved the level of success I have today, for which I hope to repay him somehow, someday. He was always better than me at everything, skateboarding, snowboarding, girls, social life, but he always let me be his sidekick. I hope that everyone finds a friend that lifts them up to be more than who they think they are.
Robin isn’t shit without Batman.
For Gavin and Chris.
Do yourself a favor and limit their access to video games. If you’ve paid any attention to society today, most of the younger people often lack basic social skills. Video games with virtual friends have replaced real human friends. Teach the children that video games might be worth entertainment but they should not become an aspect of their entire life or existence. If you look at many of the post here on this community there are often men asking for advice on how to approach women or There are posts regarding people that get lonely because they’re friends are graduating college and can no longer spend tons of time together as they are moving on in life. Many of these people have grown up with smart phones which you’ll never get rid of but those video game consoles have really stripped all social skills. Teach the children about respecting people. Teach them that people will have different perspectives and different opinions but everyone has the right to have those viewpoints
I’m going to go against the grain and say don’t be afraid to let them be “stereotypical men” I was raised by a single mom, she was great, but she kinda raised me like her. As a result I’m a more thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and vulnerable man than most my age. That is not a boon, I’m told it will be later, but at 24, it will cause them to struggle in weird ways that are otherwise unexplainable. Sometimes u gotta be a dick.
It’s hard to stand up to bullies but harder to stand up to friends.
Congrats, boy Mom! Teach them basic household chores that are age appropriate: dishwasher loading, laundry skills, how to make basic meals like scrambled eggs.
One good thing you can do is find out which boy likes to tinker and get him used appliances from thrift stores or garage sales to take apart and put back together.
Oops! Don’t forget manners! Good luck making good men for our future!
Also your actions will speak louder than words. Don’t tell your boys, show them.
PLEASE TEACH THEM HOW TO:
•Sew
•Repair clothes
•Cook at a basic/adept level
•Ask out women
•Iron Clothes
•Shave
•Think First: Talk Second
•Manage a check registry/ledger to regulate their’ finances
•Thrifting
•Networking/Befriending local businesses so they can get free stuff/materials from businesses such as but not limited to: Pallets. They’re a Godsend for storage purposes.
I have couple of suggestions from growing up with a single mother and as someone who is strongly considering limiting my contact with her in the future (my father was around, but she got custody outside of Wednesday nights and every other weekend)
Do not make your sons feel as though they need to pursue money/material things for your sake instead of things that make them happy. My mother made it very clear to my brothers and I that we were her ‘retirement plan’ so we needed lots of money so she can freeload off of us. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t resent her for this attitude, it made pursuing hobbies and passions difficult.
Do not make your sons feel bad for having and feeling pain, both physically and mentally. We essentially weren’t allowed to complain about pain because our mother would do the classic ‘My neck/back/foot/etc hurts so stop complaining’. This just made us never want to talk to her about potentially serious issues. (And also don’t say things like ‘I can’t wait until your older and hurt like I do’ that’s just fucked up).
Make them feel comfortable and safe at home, it may be the only place they can decompress and be themselves. In my experience, I would recommend not yelling unless something is truly wrong and being aware of your emotions and actions and how they can affect your Youngs sons as they develop. Your sons should never be afraid of you or your reactions.
Ultimately, teach them to be respectful towards everyone and to be their own person with passions, desires, and lives because they need to be happy with selves before they can pursue outward sources of happiness (e.i. relationships)
I’m sure there’s more I could say that I can’t think of, and there’s probably somethings I listed that could use some suggestions and input from the other gentlemen here to serve better as advice.
Good luck with your sons. Seeking advice on raising them right is a good step in the right direction
I don’t have advice. But I want to say thank you for being there for your boys.
The world will demand that they sacrifice themselves for others. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Teach them that it’s ok to be selfish sometimes. That everything in life is a give and take. If all you are doing is giving, then no matter what it is, it’s unhealthy.
Teach them to have deep friendships with other boys. Too many guys struggle with this as they get into their teens and definitely in adulthood. If I could give you just one piece of advice it would be that.
Also Teach them that their masculinity isn’t toxic, but beautiful if it is channeled right. Let them play rough, etc.
Another thing would be to teach them grit. Teach them to do things that they don’t want to do. That skill is utterly priceless.
Last but definitely not least teach them to have a mindset where they constantly ask themselves how they can sacrifice for others. Because at the end of the day, that is what separates a man from a child.
Sending you all the best. I’m 20 years old and I had zero father in my life growing up. I’ll be honest, it was really really hard. But I feel like those lessons have served me so well. I hope you can take something I said and that they can serve your sons well as well!
As someone raised by a single mom, who did the best she could, I’ll say this. You, as the mom, can’t prepare them for what it means to be a man. It’s not an experience that you’ve ever had or will. And that’s not a knock on you. My mom and I had this exact conversation a few years ago. Do you have a brother? Your dad alive? Any quality men in your life? If so, the boys will need so much from them on what it means to be a man. My dad died when I was 10. My mom’s brothers were all crooks. It wasn’t until I became a man, and had formed some bad habits and thoughts that a good man showed up in my life.
That it’s OK to have feelings.
The meaning of ‘no’. Consent works both ways
Men get pressured to be aggressive. Aggressiveness starts to come easy. Forebearance, kindness, and a cool head are difficult.
Involve positive male role models, in addition to being a consistent predictable good female role model yourself. Make sure you explain yourself, and don’t go down the “Because I said so” path.
You have to somehow get them to understand they should not fuck crazy.
There is tons of great advice here, and ultimately there are just too many important lessons every man should learn but won’t or can’t.
I think one of the most important and valuable to instill in the early to late teenage years is how to avoid negative peer pressure. Especially without strong, positive male role models in their lives. Often boys will look up to an older boy or man they respect, and sometimes that respect is based on flawed and naive notions of what makes a respectable man.
Ultimately, I would guide them towards discovering the kind of man they want to become, and to look for those traits in their peers and mentors.
Living life to the fullest and without regrets is an incredible thing, and making mistakes is part and parcel to that. Just make sure their hearts are in the right place, despite the world and people not always working out the way we all hope. People recognize drive, passion, work ethic, and a good heart. Even the most cynical amongst us.
Boys are taught how to treat women but not what to expect from them.
Girls are taught what to expect from men, but not how to treat them.
Teach your boys what to expect from a girlfriend and courage to dump them if they are not good girlfriends. Date a good girlfriend and dump the others. If she has masculine energy, or is disrespectful or rude, he must dump her and move on.
Teach them not to marry a woman who does not want to be a good wife.
Teach them to work hard, and be kind. Almost everything in life is a variation of those two rules.
Firstly, I just want to tell you that you are enough. You are not inadequate in any way. A motherly parenting instinct will do a great job without the help of a father.
Always allow them to express their feelings, so that they become in tune with them. Then they can begin controlling their emotions once they understand for themselves what they are ever feeling instead of shoving them down trying to be “tough”. Shoving feelings down for any gender is terrible and creates a disconnection between the person and their inner selves. Testosterone mixed with poor self control/ self understanding can make violent men. Men who don’t have male role models suffer from toxic masculinity and false sense of “manliness”. Show them, tell them, teach them and be an example of someone who is in control of their emotions and not the other way around.
Treat them like mature men! Let them make decisions for themselves, ask for their opinions, let them take ownership of chores around the house, let them know that they are an integral part of the family. Let them know they are important to you, the world and their siblings.
Boost their self confidence early. Compliment them on things, show appreciation for the things they do correctly. They will start to understand how good/hard work leads to great things. Let them know that they are handsome so they can believe it before someone at school makes them feel differently.
Encourage them being around other boys/good male figures. They don’t need a stepdad, but being around men just a few times a month is soo important too.
The list can go on and on, however I think you’re going to do just fine. Goodluck and thank you for sticking in there and trying to raise the best part of the next generation. A lot of parents create societal issues that last generations, we need more competent parents like you.
You should be far more concerned about how the world is going to treat them rather than raising them into “thoughtful , respectfully , emotionally intelligent …”
Like I’m sorry, but this is an enormous red flag.
Don’t take it from me, read “The Boy Crisis “ by Warren Farrell.
He documents a lot of the mistreatment boys go through that leads the disparate outcomes they face in life. Everything from physical abuse, academic discrimination, and now employment discrimination.
That you’re even asking shows strong parenting! Teaching them life skills does not have to be a lecture—modeling is powerful. Teachable moments also are powerful, so take advantage of them—ask leading questions, rather than preaching. Independence is freeing and attractive. Financial wisdom. Civics. Interpersonal skills. That failure is just another step toward success. Examine information and verify. That being alone usually is better than being with someone who does not make you happy.
The one concept that is hard to fully grasp for many women – honor. That a handshake is sacred. That a man is worth only as much as his word. That integrity is doing what is right when no one is looking, and that you do it because it is honorable and it is right. That true strength is in service. That real success is not having a million dollars in the bank but making the difference in the lives of those around you, a little bit every day. That life is not fair but even the shittiest hand has some good cards to play. That you need to know which battles are worth fighting and which are not.
Thank you for asking this, also a mom of 3 boys just wanting to raise good men.
Honestly, just interrogate yourself. When you’re about to do something or to tell them something, really think about it. Are you doing or saying it just because they’re boys? If so, that’s probably something you shouldn’t say.
Teach them to be a good person, to be kind, introspective, expressive, and self-assured, guide them in search of what lights their individual fires, and they’ll make their own positive manhoods. Parents and teachers aren’t moulds or sculptors, they’re guides and helpers.
At least, that’s my two cents as a young guy who had the luck of having some pretty top-tier parents, all things considered.
I have three sons, 18+, and, like you, I tried to raise thoughtful, respectful, emotionally intelligent young men; I think I have succeeded. What you need to internalize as your sons get older is that *they are not girls and will not behave or respond like girls*. You’re probably going to read that and think, ” yeah I already understand that”. But, no, you most likely don’t. Just be aware of your own biases and always ask yourself “am I reacting based on how I think they *should* be behaving/responding/etc or am I reacting based on who they are and what’s best for them (and not for you)”. Let them be boys in all their rough and tumble glory; men are capable of being physical and rough while also being thoughtful, respectful, etc.
Related to this, Moms tend to raise kids based on how they think the world should be, and try to protect their children from how the world-actually-is. In my experience, Dads are much better at teaching their sons on how to deal with the world-as-it-is, in all its ugliness. You need to find a balance between protecting them and allowing them to take risks – because that’s how young men are wired (the risk-taking can express itself in many ways/flavors, not just the basic physical).
For example, if my sons expressed a desire to do something that was risky in some way, my ex-wife would say “no you can’t do that, for reasons x, y, z”, I would say, “Well I see the appeal of doing that, but here are three things you need to think about before you do that in order to be safe”. Embrace the risk and guide them through it, not away from it. Most girls, and women, tend to be rule followers and do not understand the desire, the need to take risks. Boys/men are different.
Always be sure that the words coming out of your mouth are your own.
Like is a battle of attrition. The failures and tragedies will wear them down. Above all, endure. Persevere.
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!” ~ Rocky Balboa
Don’t teach them to treat women like the men you ignored to be with men like their father.
I think the biggest thing is how to fail at something correctly. They are going to fuck up and fail, it happens to all of us, but it’s creating the mindset of getting back up and trying again that will pay dividends in their lives. It helps foster a sense of resiliency that can otherwise be lacking when life throws challenges at them.
Respect your surroundings. ( Not littering, not being irritating in public, let older people take your spot on the bus ) This shit was pounded in my head when I was a kid and I’m glad it was cause some people are really terrible
Before I went into teaching I read a wonderful book called Teaching as a Subversive Activity. The goal of this kind of teaching is to give all the students a built in and indestructible crap detector. This principle guided my teaching. I hope you can apply this to your sons. They are fortunate to have such a thoughtful mother.
To not look at failure as “I failed”, but as “what do I need to fix?”
And by extension, to look at success not as “I did it”, but as “how can I do it better”
It’s still okay to celebrate wins and mourn losses, but you can’t let yourself become complacent , because once you do, you stop working to improve
And on an unrelated note, read to your kids. Every night. For as old as they’ll let you. Not just the “until they’re old enough to read on their own” books. I’m talking about everything up to YA fiction level (or whatever genre they like). I cannot stress enough how important this is. It’s not gender specific either
We aren’t a different species, and I’d guess a lot of the hassles they might face in life will come from people who think we are, people basing all their expectations around that. So maybe teach them not to fall for it and make sure you don’t either.
The reality is 90% of what men and women think, feel, expect, work towards, and do, is all overlapping. You can just round it down to “human nature”.
The last 10% is mostly just due to growing up with different body types when you get down to it. Not much more than that. I get that you won’t have experience in being male. It won’t hurt for them to have a male role model, but it also won’t hurt for you to read a book or at least check out /r/badmensanatomy to figure out what kind of mistakes to avoid if they come to you with any questions.
When you subtract all that there’s maybe a few times that men and women have a different line of thinking or come at something from a different angle, but probably they can figure that out for themselves. It should not be overblown. People are people, honest.
Man or women it’s always good to learn to be handy, and many boys and young men are already interested in more hands on hobbies. Learning how to do maintenance and repairs on your own vehicle, home, yard equipment, etc is always a good skill to have, and can save you a lot of aggravation and money over the years.
Whether or not this is something you can teach them, boys and men often learn well by doing and working with other men, and develope great bonds by working together. If you know someone who is handy and is someone you wouldn’t mind your boys looking to as a role model, I would recommend you lending your boys to him to help with various projects. Something like sending them to work on the neighbors farm for a month in the summer or over spring break.
I learned much of my work ethics working on projects with my dad, grandpa, and my best friend, and his dad in their farm. While also learning the basics of a myriad of skills, and making great memories. I have used many of those skills over the years to save money, help friends and family, and further my career.
The two biggest aspects I judge men on:
The ability to “own their shit.” When you mess up, you fess up and own it. It was your fault. And you accept the consequences, whatever they are. This is a tough one for moms because they want to go argue their sons’ case because they don’t want to see them hurt. Don’t. Let them face the music and then you can help them move on.
Second, often doing the right thing doesn’t get noticed and has no benefit to them. It doesn’t matter. Do it anyway. Integrity is how you behave when nobody else is watching.
Bonus content: Let them fail. You learn more by failing and picking up the pieces than you ever learn by succeeding.
Bonus content #2: Life isn’t fair. They need to know that. You can do everything right and still lose. How you react to that will define the type of man you can become.
Prepare them for the world to be against them at every turn. Notions of fairness and equality don’t exist for men, not when it comes to how they will be treated nor when it comes to the law. They need to be steeled to be ready for that.
Teach them not to tolerate those who are intolerant of them. Teach them not to put up with bs. Teach them not to waste their time on partners who are not worthy of them. And most importantly, teach them to stand up for themselves. No one else is going to. Do that, and they will be set.
For the sake of all that is holy, please teach them to respect women! And any time toxic masculinity rears its head (and it will), shut that shit down!
Thank you!
Part of respecting women is respecting themselves. A reverence for women will get you into trouble. They need to know women are neither above or below them, just people & some of them are shitty. Never try to control your partner, but if she starts hitting & screaming at you, it isn’t because you didn’t treat her right. It means you need to leave.
It’s alright to cry.
When I was growing up in the 70s, my parents bought me the album Free to Be…You and Me, by Marlo Thomas. I listened over and over. One of the songs that stuck with me was “It’s All Right to Cry,” sung by a deep-voiced, huge football player named Rosey Grier. Having it be sung by a football player really made the point that it was ok not only for girls to cry, but for boys too—and men. That we don’t have to suppress our feelings.
Teach them that being told no is not the end of the world. I know a lot of people in here will hate to hear this but little white boys and men have no clue how to handle being told no or not getting their way.
My brother in law is a basketball ref for middle school and high school games. We are close so many times I’ve tagged along and he pointed out to me that white kids and their parents are the ones that really lose their shit when they don’t get their way. You’ll see it with all groups but it’s exponentially worse with white boys and their parents.
Let them fail often. No helicoptering
How to look after themselves with basic life skills, like how to cook at least 5 meals, do their own laundry, clean their rooms and any messes they make, put things away they’ve take out, wash their bodies properly, etc.
I think all people need to know this, but often it’s considered a bonus in men when it should be just standard knowledge in all people.
Also- their needs to be good men around them to model after. Could be blood relative or teacher, coach, member of the community…
But someone they can see who’s a good example of what it is to be a good man. A mother can tell them all day…but eventually they need to be shown.
A boy needs a good masculine role model, shows em what a man could/should be, im not talking about that fake tough guy crap, im talking about positive masculinity, real good men. If he doesn’t have one in the home, he will find one, could be a real person of fictional, speaking form personal experience. Do you know who your boys look up to? If they pick the wrong person it will have drastic effects on what they think a man is.
Teach them how to be self reliant.
Just opinions from a random guy on the Internet, so take with a pinch of salt.
Surround your boys with positive male role models – I’d offer the same with fathers of girls. On a lot of occasions, young boys will go through experiences that women and girls won’t understand. Or they’ll look for influences in the elder generation of men, even emulate behaviour learned from them. Who would you rather your boys turn too. The strong male figures there who’ll guide them well, or go on the Internet and find the Andrew tates of the world? A wolfpack mentality, so to speak.
Teach resilience – life can be wonderful and beautiful, but it can it can be equal amounts cruel and unforgiving. Determination and resilience can and often become good friends to men. Teaching them that when things don’t go their way, learn from it. Pick themselves up and come back better and stronger. Just because you have an equal shake in the race doesn’t guarantee you first place. That has to be earned, and the victory is so much sweeter because of it.
Teaching healthy good habits regarding mental health- whether it’s encouraging them to talk to the positive males, yourself or finding healthy outlets for emotions, this is needed. Encourage them to be open with their emotions in a healthy way, no matter the route. A lot of people don’t grasp men and women process emotions differently. That’s OK, but create multiple ways and means for your boys to open up safely and healthily.
I’ll give an example, many men I’ve worked with or known. Couldn’t think anything worse than sitting around with somebody talking about feelings. Many men find outlets and spaces to open up. Whether it’s the barber shop for the older generation, at the gym or whilst working on the car with Uncle Bob. Is men not opening up a learned behaviour, yes to an extent. But many men are not wired to open up how girls will open up. But if they do open up to you directly, be there and be understanding.
That’s just my 50 cents into it, obviously you can take it or leave it.
HOW TO CLEAN PROPERLY
A good mother will serve as a guideline for what a quality woman should look like when your sons are ready to find a partner.
A good mother represents the inner lioness and protector that strong women have.
A good mother represents wisdom and patience. Slow to anger and quick to forgive. Never to forget.
A good mother is fair more often than not. She’s not perfect as no person is, but she is even keeled. You’re not going to get a different treatment for doing something that a sibling did. You’re either blessed or punished accordingly across the board.
A good mother is nurturing and encourages emotional intelligence. Empathy. As boys sometimes we are taught so much to be tough and brave. Stoic and strong. A good mother is far beyond the strength of her sons. She is one of the authors of their existence. She is that warm safe space to take the armor off and cry. To be vulnerable. It’s ok to be honest about how you feel, even when it’s not the feeling of strength and power. Weakness and vulnerability are common momentary things that should be felt.
A good mother is the personification of accountability and moral integrity. At 31 years old I can still hear my moms words in my mind. Always before I am about to do something. As a teenager she’d always say “keep your nose clean. Keep your pants up. You are a good boy. You are my son. Don’t dishonor us.” She was also the one who would arrive in a fiery manner that shook the heavens when I acted out in school (I had ADHD and anger issues as a small boy).
A good mother encourages experimentation and adventure. Bold dreams and ambitions. She’s also not afraid to pour cold water on misguided ideas. When thinking of a new plan or project, my mind instantly does the things we’d do together growing up. The army of what ifs and have you thought about this. Dad was a hype man and was a bit uneasy about introducing doubts when I was extremely excited about an idea. Still is. He gently pushes back whereas mom would rip the entire bandaid off.
A good mother is emotionally understandable and stable. This is where my mom had a weak spot. Her mood could change on a whim. My sisters were the same way. The slightest inconvenience could send her into a moment of impressive rage. It was not until I reached middle school and beyond that she noticeably settled. This has set an extremely high bar for the type of emotional volatility I will tolerate in any relationship. I will never allow myself to endure that kind of stress and discomfort. Yes, a t shirt shouldn’t be on the floor, but it’s not worth yelling about. Etc. There were moments when she could break into tears mid sentence when discussing something saddening and immediately return to smiles and laughter. It made the moment confusing and uneasy. Growing up, it always hurt me to see her cry, but the frequency and trivial nature of it twisted my brain. Now when I see someone crying I don’t necessarily have that immediate reaction of trying to soothe/comfort that I used to. I tend to observe and then try to find the reasoning. This hasn’t necessarily been the best thing when it comes to relationships.
A good mother isn’t petty. She is aware that her place is not on the same level as the girlfriends, friends, and the in laws. She is in a class of her own and therefore doesn’t need to trade jabs, insults, judgments and other things that put undue pressure on her sons. You are irreplaceable as a mother, but you can become irrelevant if you are a source of unnecessary stress and drama. My mother also suffers in this regard. I don’t call her anymore because each call becomes an earful of everyone else’s business, her opinions on their business, her opinions on what I’m doing, her political views, her religious views, the latest squabbles, etc etc. A simple conversation goes a long way. I don’t know half the people you speak of and I have no idea why you would enthusiastically get into such petty things.
A good mother has unshakable boundaries that are to be respected and aren’t negotiable. There are a lot of people who are learning boundaries way too late.
A good mother’s communication leaves no room for doubt. Clear and concise. No means no. Not maybe. Not haha possibly. NO. Yes means yes. Not yes but now I’ve changed my mind.
A good mother is always learning. Curious. A sense of wonder is everything. Lots of closed minded people and unfortunately this is another area my mother has been struggling with as of late. Her opinions are superior to factual rebuttals. Her mind is made. This rigid narrative melts as your sons grow and explore. You can find yourself becoming irrelevant if you are completely incompatible with objective truths they find.
The most important thing is the dynamics you have with your husband/boyfriend/acquaintances around them.
You might not like my answer, but your best bet is to find a man, your father, a brother, uncle, cousin or brother in law that you trust, who is willing to be a father figure for those kids. If it sounds like a lot of work, you can split it between two or three guys. But what is important is that your boys get the attention of men and spend time with them under your supervision. Even if it is only once per week.
Women cannot reverse engineer being a man. And men cannot reverse engineer being a woman. We are equally valuable to society, but we are not made the same.
Teach them to respect you and model being empathetic. Teach them to take care of themselves. Your children are old enough to learn how to do their own laundry, help with cooking and cleaning. It’s your job to make sure they are functioning adults. That means letting them learn how to problem solve and rely on themselves. Don’t rush in to help them solve problems. Ask them their plans and then let them be. Failure is part of growth. I went to Europe on my own. Parents dropped me at the airport. They had an itinerary and picked me up when I got home. I was responsible for my school work, getting signed up for the SAT and applying to colleges. If I wanted something my modest allowance did not cover – I had to save and do extra chores or babysit to get the cash.
Teach them self love.
Stand back and let them try things and fail. Let them mess up and get hurt. Don’t rush in to stop them, be there to help them pick themselves back up and learn. Teach them how to set boundaries and to never start a fight, but if someone lays hands on/bullies them, then they should defend themselves physically if need be.
I was a smaller kid and a ‘good kid’. I was abused by peers and always tried to turn the other cheek. I have had PTSD since then.
My parents are fantastic, but they made one big mistake- They enabled me by doing the things I didn’t feel comfortable doing. I am still trying to learn resiliency and self confidence.
Don’t try to sleep with your friends just because they have vaginas
Mom taught my brother and I the three most important things a mother can teach her sons. How to cook, how to do laundry, and how to dance.
There is nothing you lack as a single mom to raise a good man. I can’t say it was ever specifically given to me as a lesson, but the foundational thing to being a good man to me is to be self secure. If you teach them good values, then a self secure man will stand for what he believes in the face of any force. No one can peer pressure them, bully them, or intimidate them into abandoning principle. There are some principles I have that it wouldn’t matter to me if the whole world thought differently.
There are plenty of men who still ascribe to sexism, toxic masculinity, etc. that they will be set apart from. A self secure man can handle being different and set apart from others. And a self secure man knows their strengths and weaknesses, works on the latter, and doesn’t self-deprecate.
They will have to find their own roles in society, but in general I think the role for men is to support and stand behind those who can’t for themselves. Not to do things for people, not to be used or to be a provider, but to facilitate those people’s own growth.
One of the most powerful lessons my mom taught me, without even meaning to, was that strength and tenderness can coexist.
Don’t teach them to exist in a state of permanent apology. They didn’t ask to be born boys, so don’t make them feel guilty about it. There’s a lot of that coming from the world right now, they don’t need to hear it from their mother or father.
The author Hannah Rosin (The End of Men) recently mentioned in an interview that her son is pissed off with her because she’s been teaching him how useless, inherently violent and prone to aggression against women men are and I’m just not sure that’s the greatest parenting technique. Rosin seemed weirdly proud of it.
I’m a fan of her writing, especially the article Murder by Craigslist, which is about a serial killer who killed a bunch of men by luring a succession of them to a remote spot by offering them a non-existent job that appealed specifically to lonely older single men – a job on a rural acreage that would let them fulfil their cowboy rancher fantasies: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/09/advertisement-for-murder/309435/
But it’s not a good idea to tell young boys that they oppress people just by existing and that wanting to have sex with girls when they get older means dehumanizing and objectifying them.
I don’t think you’ll do any of that because you sound very thoughtful.
Teach them that finding a partner is not magic, that they can work on themselves to improve, that there exists theory that can help, and that practice (and failure) is still necessary.
This goes for mental health too, but my experience has been that the partner side is the most insidious – there’s a lot of push for this to be “magic”.
keeping your word is important, and honesty is good to a point. there are times to lie or simply not volunteer. the thing, though, that i have heard and seen is that women will sometimes enforce discipline via size and power. works ok at 7, but you have until maybe 12 to establish something better – do as i say because i’ve been there, not because i can make you. after 12, they’re going to be stronger than you and outbursts are more than you can handle. men run into that too, just later.
> But I know there may be blind spots in my parenting simply because I’ve never lived life as a man.
right, you aren’t a man and have never been one. men are different, so one of the things that really helps is a male role model. someone who’s willing to offer some guidance and confidance.
> what are the lessons you believe boys must learn before becoming men?
boys are sometimes self destructive madmen. they do boy things like throwing rocks in the water, swinging sticks around, and lighting farts. it’s fine, just time and place.
That some things, like democracy, are worth dying for.
All of us in the west are at risk of losing life as we know it.
Just teach them to be law abiding citizens. Basically tell them not to commit crimes 😆
My wife doesn’t agree with me. But my son is 4 and I have already started teaching him accountability and how to feel about making mistakes, what to take away from them and how to clean them up. My wife will hug and kiss him through a tough or painful situation but I push him to succeed through it on his own. If he needs me I am there, but as a man I have met too many men who don’t know how to pull themselves through life, they have only ever had someone hold through hand through it. I don’t want him to be that way.
This goes for every time he is in a teachable situation. When he falls, I will wait for him to get back up on his own. If it’s serious, I will pick him up.
With all of this as well, I am teaching him how to be sensitive and caring, by example and gentle correction. I also tell him that his feelings are okay but because of the way he is growing he will be a pretty big guy one day, I teach him that he has to be mindful of others and gentle. He doesn’t have to act “masculine” to be a man. He just has to be able to handle his own shit and know how to navigate a world that can flatten him without hurting others.
I just want to create a man who is well balanced. My parents were just angry all the time and just used anger and pain to deal with us instead of teaching us. (Us being me and my siblings) but growing up I envied friends who had parents who never yelled. They just spoke and were involved. That’s the type of parent that I wanna be. Firm and straightforward, never angry and always teaching my son how to fall and get back on his own feet without beating himself up or falling on others.
I dunno. Hard to know how life will treat him. But I just want him to be ready for it. Like the movie “Soldier” where Kurt Russel throws the kid a boot and teaches him how to kill the poisonous snake instead of killing it for him. The parents kick him out for putting the kid in danger, but later on the kid saves them by killing a snake with a boot.
Life is not the wiggles. Ya know? Specially for a man who is expected to be a million different conflicting things.
People say “he isn’t ready for that yet” or whatever. But my example is this… When he was a baby I let him be cold. My mother would bundle me up to the point where I couldn’t move when I was little. To keep me warm. And now I am chronically cold. Now my son, at 4 is always warm. He can go outside in the winter time with a sweater on and he doesn’t even care. He is fine. I love that. That was my doing. We live in Canada. 🇨🇦
Teach them that it’s a great thing to appreciate others, and it’s important to receive that in return.
It’s okay to tell a friend/spouse/family member that they’re great. Express love when you feel it. Expect love in return. Don’t close yourselves off from something beautiful, and don’t surround yourself with people who can’t appreciate back.
Don’t teach them to say ‘thank you’ when receiving something. Teach and allow them to experience feeling thankful. It makes that feeling all the more genuine.
Electrician is a good field
Teach your boys to be good men, but also teach them to fear the feminazis (aka women who identify as feminists), because feminism hasn’t been about true gender equality since the 1970s. If equality was the goal, women would’ve backed the fuck down when they got the right to open bank accounts, own assets, earn their own salaries etc. – all the same rights as men.
Recently, this Netflix show Adolescence went viral because it was about a boy >!ending a girl !<- who it turns out was >!bullying him after rejecting his advances.!< So no, teach boys that not all women are saints and necessarily need their help. They’re not all in need of a man’s help, nor are many of them good people to be around. If women/feminazis are being taught to fear and disrespect men, take away power from them, why shouldn’t we teach boys to stand their ground and fight back against women?
You are never too old to do something.
It’s nice to teach a boy about kindness, honesty, and empathy… just like it’s essential to teach kids how to work smart, focus on goals, and set their sights for better things. They should value those traits and I hope you are a role model to embody them for your kids. But it’s essential that you teach those boys to be honest and open with their emotions, to let them know that they can trust you without repercussion when they’re troubled (or in trouble), and allow themselves the dignity to defend themselves should someone attempt to harm them either verbally or physically. Other people are not the only people worthy of respect and dignity. Those boys deserve it just as much, and they should never ever allow anyone to step over them to get to where they want to go. Oh, and while you should teach them to be respectful of women, you should also teach them that respect is only on loan at first until it is earned and that it is reciprocal at all times.
Mothers make the mistake of hoping that the world will be as kind to their boys as the nest they’ve made for them. And then those kids hit the real world, and because they’ve not been used to all the sights and the sounds and the slights and the insults, it’s sensory overload. The fact of the matter is that the world at large doesn’t give a shit about us. So the sooner that you can introduce those boys to how the world actually is, the better off they’ll be when they’re adults. They don’t have to lie, cheat, or steal, but they should be well aware that there are people in the world who do that, and they won’t present themselves as the villains we find in film. Morality and personalities rarely present themselves as black and white.
Teach them how to save and manage money. Enroll them in a martial art so they can learn patience, respect, discipline, and self-defense. Find ways for all of you to volunteer your time to help out the community. Expose them to different interests and allow them to pursue the ones that they enjoy. When the time is right, encourage them to browse different avenues so they can make a better life choice about what they want to do when they graduate. Maybe they go to college, but also maybe they go to trade school. I know millionaires with high school diplomas, trade diplomas, and college degrees. There are plenty of ways to make it in this world. And you should always be a place for them to call home, but you should also push them a bit further out of the nest every now and then.
Ex: If they like chess maybe learn chess. Someone being a little interested in things you like and supporting you can feel really nice.
Ex: A brother, uncle, close friend, grandfather, someone in the community, neighbor (etc).
Teach that eye contact and staring into someone’s eyes when talking to them and a good strong handshake can change people’s perception of them. People will take them more seriously both in business but also when they first meet them.
Respect usually is earned and not given as a man. This isn’t just true for personal relationships or professional relationships but also for one’s self. Teach them to respect themselves and be the man they want to become.
Being scared and having fear is ok. We all have dragons we need to slay and boogeyman that scare us. The strongest men I know face these things head on with a smile on their face or grit their teeth and just push forward.
A man trades on his reputation as well as his word. Teach giving his word to someone as very important.
Be the giant whose shoulders other people can stand on when you have the ability to do so.
The biggest one honestly was something I (25) just learned pretty brutally.
Relationships/Friendships are a two way street. If you are the only one putting effort, always being the one to initiate conversation/reach out or do extra things even if at one point in time you and this person were quite close and have some of your best memories together at a certain point you just need to stop reaching out.
If they put no effort in then it is what it is. Don’t let someone siphon your emotional energy because you have fond memories with them. It’s going to hurt. But it’s better for them to know this than find out the hard way like I did.
Best of luck with your sons. I really hope they do well.
The best way to do this is to have their father in their life, even if you don’t like him using porn. You can’t just replace him with some Reddit comments and expect there to be no consequences.
lesson 1:
when people talk about women conforming to harmful gender norms
(like a person who thinks she needs to stay home to do the cleaning because she is a woman)
society frames it as “internalized misogyny”
lesson 2:
when people talk about men conforming to harmful gender norms
(like a person who thinks he needs to be a good provider because he is a man)
society calls it “toxic masculinity”
you need to teach your sons that it’s misandry when someone tells them they have to be good providers, and internalized misandry if they believe it.
substitute “repress you feelings” for “be a good provider” if you can’t accept that women promote toxic masculinity at least as much as men do.
Put a raincoat on that thing is what I told my boys. You get a girl pregnant it is a huge amount of money out the door till the kid gets all the way through school. Learn how to drive defensively. Get them into sports and the outdoors instead of on the computer all the time. Teach them about money. That is my job in a nutshell. So teach them basically to not make big mistakes.
The importance of empathy and doing the right thing as components of masculinity.
Some things any kid should know:
4, Everything in moderation, but sometimes, for some people that’s not possible with certain things, so when they figure that out they should avoid them (TV, smart phones, drugs, alcohol, whatever).
Dont share your emotions to your romantic partner not even your wife as this could be used against you in your weak moment
Its better to suffer in silence
To do sports regularly, team sports preferably. It’s a pretty simple thing but when you’re young it’s a major boost in life. It’ll help them feel more confident both because physically they’ll look and feel better and because they’ll get used to challenging situations. It’ll also teach them to be social early on which is something that a lot of boys don’t get unfortunately a d makes things hard in the long run.
A mother loves unconditionally. Other women won’t.
This is probably the last place I would ask tbh. There are far better men’s subs.
first lesson is always going to be how to treat those who are smaller than you – i even start as small as ants to really make it obvious
second is that nothing you accomplish in life matters if you don’t start out being kind – you could be the richest man in the world and yet a net negative
That women are just people. Women can be amazing, strong, powerful, inspiring. Women can also be shitty, selfish, and manipulative.
That he might make women uncomfortable sometimes. He’s very likely going to be expected to be the initiator in dating, and there’s no control over how people will react. Some women will interpret being asked out for a drink as completely harmless. Others may view it as sexual harassment. Try and prepare him for that.
Sometimes violence is unavoidable. It’s always best to do everything in your power to de-escalate a situation. Sometimes that doesn’t happen, though. It’s better for everybody to have an understanding of what outcomes street violence can have.
Teach him to ignore the haters. The “man box” seems to be getting smaller with each year. My life was hell because I liked to read, but I kept at it anyway. Teach him to stand up for what he believes in.
I think reading these comments have made me realize why most men in today’s American society are holed up in their homes either playing video games or watching porn. A ‘good man’ is one who knows what masculinity is about. Let them make mistakes and learn who they are, don’t think you have to be perfect or can make them perfect. Teach them that they need to realize they aren’t women, and that their natural tendency is not always wrong they just need to mature and not make the same mistakes over abd over. Self confidence and security is much more important than than being perfect. They also need mature male mentors they can just be men around. Good luck raising you sons, just love them and they will be ok.
dont get a hooker as a wife.
To be a man of good character. Be honest, don’t lie, cheat, steal. All that stuff really matters. Especially amongst men’s relationships with other men. Your word is very important when it comes to everything in life as a man. Stick to your word. So, if you say that you are going to do something, or be somewhere, or create a verbal contract with another person, no matter if it’s casual or a formal handshake….stand true to your word, be a man of integrity, and follow through with it. No matter what.
This carries a LOT of weight with other men, throughout your entire life. It can make or break how men view your worth as another man. It can effect your friendships, even your image in your career path. I’m not sure if women experience this in their lives or not. But, for men, it’s extremely important in order to gain and maintain respect, friendships, and relationships with other men.
You sound like a great mom for thinking like this
Here is a great wholesome blog I think would be helpful. It’s got loads of stuff.
http://www.artofmanliness.com
Kindness, honesty, and empathy are human endeavors as far as I am concerned and as you point out as “universal”- I want to add something that is not universal and many grown men lack entirely.
Humility. You are not better than your brother (other men) and you should work to uplift him and your community. Competition is healthy, envy and pride are not. These moral lessons have been taught across all people for millenia.
Though do take care as you teach kindness though. My mother raised me as a pacifist and I was a very kind child, but I could not defend myself or others. Make certain that your boys are kind, but ensure that they can maintain and hold their own boundaries. I am a gentle person, but I understand now as a man that this world is a dangerous, unkind place- Violent people only understand violence. Help them keep themselves safe as well.
Once they are adults, they need to understand that no one is coming to save them, no one cares about their plight, and they will only be valued by women and society in general for what they can do, not who they are.
Teach them to stand by their moral character no matter what. That’s what they’ll end up being remembered as. My parents led different lives during the week when I was growing up as my dad worked in another town as my mom so they lived in separate houses. Another thing you can do to help them is to have a strong male role model in their lives (id recommend having a strong female role model in the daughters lives if you were a male). This helps a lot of you look up to that guy too cause I know a lot of guys who have good relationships with their moms don’t want to disappoint their moms.
As a father of a college-aged son who I feel that I let watch way too much YouTube. Please pay attention to what attitudes and perspectives they pick up about women and people in general from YouTube.
Without “prying” pay attention to what themes of content they’re watching and ask them what opinions they are developing. Teach them to challenge the falsehoods they may be exposed to.
I love my son dearly but he has become very right leaning and appears to have developed very right-leaning attitudes about women and people of color. I somehow feel like I might have failed to guide him correctly.
Love is true and truth can be found in love. God and his son, Jesus, are the only perfect ones. Sin and unfairness are the devils tools. We have been given some otherwise useless emotions such as uncontrollable anger and jealousy. The devil shared these emotions with us and God can teach us to control them if we genuinely ask.
If you don’t know how to respond or act to a situation then don’t overreact but instead respond with love, no matter how difficult it may be.
Find a mate that loves and truly believes in God and His Son. That mate will realize that you are not perfect but that you both try as a team to be Godly.
Give thanks, even for pain because it too can teach and end up being a blessing. Understand that the bad times make the good times so much better.
Enjoy and love life
Teach them to volunteer, to give back to those less fortunate than they are. It’s important to recognize that not everyone is as lucky as we are and even though we may struggle there are always people in need of our kindness and empathy.
I’ll keep it simple.
Compassion and empathy. My mother taught me both of those.
I was raised by a wonderful mother (and not so wonderful father).
To love, honor and cherish. To treat others as you would like to be treated. To forgive if you can, those who have wronged you.
That cooking is a joy. That helping others is a virtue.
These are some of the things that my mother instilled into me.
That even if you do all these things you cannot expect others to do the same is something that I learned on my own
I love that you are thoughtful enough to consider this, so please know that what I am about to say is not an attack or condemnation of your or your parenting.
They are going to need positive male role models in their lives. Not athletes or celebrities, but men who are active and engaging with them regularly. Whether these are male family members, a current or future partner of yours, sports coach etc. There is only so much a mother can teach a son but without the lived in experience of being a man in the world there will be many gaps left.
Other than that, let them be little boys. The world is going to be hard enough on them as is. School is going to be harder for them, society is going to be harsher on them. Let them wrestle, let them get dirty. Let them learn traditional masculine skills like fishing, camping etc. It will give them a sense of purpose and open up potential avenues for positive male role models.
Plus its fun!
One of hardest lessons all men will learn at some point in their lives is that no woman they come across will ever love them as much as their mother did. They will never get truly unconditional love from any other woman. They will will be loved, based on how well they provide or their status.
If they ever have children, the mother will always love the children more than them. That’s how women are hard wired.
Unfortunately, this is a lesson only life can teach
You should be working on yourself and modeling that for them. We are all humans we have our deficiencies but if we work on them we can hopefully overcome them or at least accept them. Teach them to build their own path and stay true to themselves and I think life will generally fall in place eventually. Be a safe place for them to express their emotions and encourage them if they feel something to learn how to verbalize and understand those emotions.
Instill Good hygiene habits early, learn and know how to use basic tools, get outside and do things you like VS VIDEO GAMES.
Thank you to everyone who chimed in—I’ve been reading through all your thoughtful, honest, and sometimes gut-punching advice (in the best way). Lots to reflect on, and I truly appreciate every you.
I agree with those who said that while I may not be able to teach everything myself, I can help ensure my boys have strong connections with positive male role models who can help fill the gaps. Thankfully, they’re lucky to have a present father, a loving stepfather, grandfathers, uncles, coaches, and even friends’ dads to look up to and learn from. I do my best to nurture those healthy relationships so my sons always have someone they trust to turn to for advice and guidance.
I know I can’t do it all, and I definitely can’t bubble-wrap them forever—but I can make sure they’ve got a village of solid men (and one persistent mama) helping them become their best selves.
Get them to understand why others do things and how to observe and learn from observing