I am 36, I have been single my entire life. I want a partner, however. I want to get very specific about what it takes to meet a legitimate partner. I know that there are some life elements involved, like chance, fate, just luck of the draw etc. However, are there things you can do to increase the probability like say-have a healed heart, be active in your community etc?
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Avoidance. The hard truth I’ve had to face myself
You haven’t met the right person for you or you have unresolved trauma/poor coping skills impeding on ability to form healthy attachment. Usually it’s a combination of those things, in my case it is. That’s why I’m really diving into therapy and taking some personal responsibility to work on myself wholeheartedly. I want to attract healthy love in my life and that starts with becoming the partner I am seeking.
Never leaving the house.
Also not everyone has to be partnered up.
I know 3 people in their 50s that are single, and have been single for decades. The trait they all have in common is shyness. They don’t like to put themselves out there. Extroverting is uncomfortable for them and they choose not to. They’re okay around family, but they are very much in their shells still.
I cannot speak to the idea that they have a fear of rejection, or they’re actually asexual or something. I just don’t know. They all happen to appear shy though.
I was single up until 29. Lots of flings / things that went nowhere… I always was told to ‘enjoy being single/ work on my self’.
Looking back on it (now in a very happy relationship) . It was genuinely bad luck. Not meeting people at the right time, trying to connect with people that weren’t right.
I thought it was me. But it wasn’t. It was everyone else not clicking with me.
In case this is unwanted:
In case this is wanted:
Unresolved trauma or neurodivergence. Or both.
Neurodivergent people tend to do well pairing off with other neurodivergent people, but if they don’t realize that’s the issue they might bang their head against a wall for decades trying and failing to succeed with neurotypicals.
They don’t want a relationship
They want a relationship but they don’t want to put the work in to find one
They live in a very car dependent place and can’t drive
They’re otherwise isolated
They die young
I have been single my entire life too. I will be 40 this year, a virgin, no first kiss, no flowers. I’ve shot my shot each time I liked or saw a possible connection. I’ve been rejected 100% of the time. Men claim women like me don’t exist. Women assume I must be some swamp monster trying to bat above my level. I’m just a person. Sometimes, there’s just no one for some people. I wish I’d never been taught that having a romantic relationship was normal and a goal in life. That being said, I’ve found a lot of joy and gratitude in my life. I don’t think I will ever know why I never deserved a partner. Honestly, I think it’s just chance and there’s beauty and magic in the rarity of it. I didn’t mean to make your post about me, I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone and you probably aren’t the cause.
Being jealous of one’s time, space, energy, autonomy.
I never knew how much I needed those things until I’d lived with someone for multiple years.
I will never cohabitate again. Sex has no draw whatsoever for me any more, and I’m actively repulsed by the prospect of internet dating.
I guess I’m officially a crazy cat lazy.
Bad luck and never mutual. Guys I liked didn’t like me back and I never felt much for guys who like me.
One of my friends is in her mid-forties and has never been in a relationship. Her father sexually abused her when she was a child and adolescent. She has been in therapy for many years and has come to terms with what happened to her, but the trauma has kept her from ever wanting any sort of romantic/sexual relationship at all.
As someone who has dated and had a fair amount of relationships, and in one now — I truly believe it’s like, 80% luck. Probably about 5-10% attractiveness (but it varies so widely what people find attractive, and that’s why I don’t think it’s a huge amount). Probably last 10% is broad mental health-related issues, like being very introverted, shy, having trouble connecting with people and things of that nature.
But overall I think it’s all pretty serendipitous. That you meet someone you are attracted to, that you enjoy, that you are compatible with (and they feel all that about you too). Someone that is open and willing and genuinely wants to be in a relationship and has the skills to. Someone who had some similar life experiences and sees the world similarly. That you are in the same place in life (figuratively and literally) where it’s fairly convenient to navigate a relationship. A lot has to fall into place. I think this reality is not especially comforting and extremely annoying when you are in search of a relationship. But I think anyone who really wants to find someone should take as many opportunities as possible to meet people (dating apps, socials, events, groups), be themselves, be honest and clear about intentions and work as hard as possible to stay optimistic and hopeful… (perhaps improving mental health, self-care, spirituality or etc to make that more of a success.)
I really don’t think it’s about you personally. Honestly, I don’t. Some of the oddest, most unattractive, unpleasant, mentally unhealthy, morally corrupt… etc etc, people have relationships! So if nothing else, I think that’s more than enough proof that it’s all pretty lucky at the end of the day… finding someone who happens to appreciate you (or is cool to put up with you, for whatever many reasons they could have!)
A lot of people have covered a lot of reasons. But I will call out wrong place or wrong time can definitely work against you.
Where I live I rarely get hit on (besides very unsuitable folks – like yesterday it was someone basically my dad’s age trying to hit on me. It was awkward). I am the wrong type for the area.
I go somewhere else, and it is many somewhere else’s it is a whole new world. I am no longer invisible. I would have more dates in a different metro area for sure. And to follow that up most of the people I have ever dated or been on dates with are not from here at all.
I don’t plan on moving for dating reasons. But it is a very valid choice.
I’m 32, I’m in a relationship now of 2 years but before him I had only lost my virginity to a ONS at 29 and could count the number of times I’d been kissed on my fingers.
For me it was mainly shyness and avoidance, I was teased quite heavily by boys at school and it’s kind of affected my view of men. I was never the pretty one in my group, boys weren’t very interested in me and wanted my friends. The attention I did get I just couldn’t handle because of awkwardness so would ignore it.
Also I just really liked my life. I’ve always been a Lone Ranger – I enjoy solo travelling, eating out etc, i had lots of good female friends. I was too full for someone else to potentially ruin it. Also my parents relationships, siblings and friends were in very toxic things and I just didn’t understand why some women just bent themselves backwards for some awful guys, I didn’t really understand why they craved relationships and affection so much.
It took me years and years of becoming friends with guys to get over the above. Met my partner by chance on a blind date. If it ended between us I’d go back to being avoidant
My best friend has been single her whole life. She’s beautiful, has a good career, good finances, is a sweet and caring person, basically the whole package. She wants a partner and kids but the years are ticking by and it’s not happening. The reasons why, to me, seem quite straightforward:
She is not really putting herself out there. If all you do is work, go home, eat, sleep, and your social interaction is limited to your friends, that leaves very little opportunity to meet new people. And so she doesn’t.
High standards. Obviously, standards are good. You need to have some attraction, and the person needs to have values that match/compliment yours. But my friend is only attracted to dudes that could be models. Now she’s no slouch in the looks department, but still, only wanting hyper attractive men narrows the dating pool a lot.