What are some things that your dad did that helped make the you the independent woman you are today?
What are some things that your dad did that helped make the you the independent woman you are today?
r/AskWomen
What are some things that your dad did that helped make the you the independent woman you are today?
Comments
Left when I was 3
He didn’t raise me and my brother any different. We both worked on cars, watched sports, played poker, he basically taught me how to hustle like a man and get them to respect me. Being a single father, I don’t think he knew how to raise a girl but he did a damn good job
I never saw my father fight with my mom (or anyone for that matter). If ever in a disagreement, he was logical, considerate, and respectful. So I feel that’s contributed to my outlook, how I interact with others, and my expectation of others. It’s a disappointment when I see people that don’t operate like that out in the world. And I value that standard he provided me.
Continuously told me how smart I am and that I took after my mom 😃
Couldn’t and wouldn’t hold down a job to support our family
Uh gave me extreme trust issues that I don’t want any one to get close to me so I am constantly isolating myself and being “independent”
Abandon me when I was a child.
He continuously let me down when I relied on him for anything. Now I only rely on myself
definitely didn’t protect me from my emotionally abusive mother
Abused me and my mom and now I can’t depend on anyone even friends because my trust is torn to pieces and if and when I do trust a man it’s usually a terrible man because I am attracted to men I can rewrite history with bc of my dad but I never rewrite the history I just go back on the demented trauma carousel
But at least I am a GIRL BOSS
Beat me. But mom taught me how to drywall, lay carpet, fix all kinds of things. She’s the man.
He left and got a new family.
Didn’t break but one promise my entire life. He earned it, damnit.
He repeatedly let me down and wasn’t there for me in any meaningful way.
Funny. Virtually nothing.
I’ve saved myself from drowning, shed off a pedophile or two, and ditched a kidnapping (lost puppy story) and in later years drove us home from the bar.
So when you have nothing. You have a choice: learn or choose a level of ignorance. I learned.
Then he died.
Now I’m pretty capable
He encouraged me to figure out how to find answers on my own. Instead of telling me the answers, he showed me where to look. Sometimes he’d be curious too, so we looked together.
He also pushed me to do things on my own. I ordered my own snow cones when I was a kid, changed faulty fuses in my car as a young adult, and few months ago, I hardwired and installed a new oven.
So yeah, I have confidence that I can find answers and do complicated tasks and that probably makes me the annoyingly optimistic, independent woman I am today lol
Taught me almost everything I know about living. Took me hunting, fishing, had me out there when he worked on cars. Gave me a good understanding of finances. The works.
He was insensitive, judgmental, impatient, emotionally immature, and for most of my childhood was also physically unavailable. In retrospect that last one might have actually saved me, but it took them all to make me never want to depend on a man for anything ever again. 👍
He never tried to force me to be someone I wasn’t, he was always supportive of whatever I wanted to do and made me a lot more comfortable with myself and what I want to do with my life.
He taught me how to change a tire, read a map, basic car repairs. He encouraged all of my siblings to try new things. He took us to different places, restaurants, and events so that we would never feel out of place. He took me to do “boy things” like going fishing and watching pro boxing, and never complained about me not being girly enough. He also gave me the great advice to always carry enough money for a cab ride home if a date isn’t going well, and not ordering messy foods like ribs or corn on the cob on a first date. He frequently told me how proud he was of me. He was a gem.
Always told me I could do anything I put my mind to. We hunted small game, rode dirt bikes, planted gardens, worked on equipment. I learned a lot.
And he treated my mom with love and respect. He pitched in with all household chores. He was slow to anger, and showed the entire family how a man should treat his wife. He didn’t preach it, he simply sis it. Every day.
molested then left me
Went to prison
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My mom was trying to micromanage a situation and I was eavesdropping. I heard my father say “let her be. She knows what she’s doing”. It flipped a switch inside me. My dad believes in me and I had to live up to that. Whatever “that” was.
He taught my brother and I to follow water down hill if we were lost in the woods. Then he left us to make our way back to the camp. (He circled around and followed us down) I don’t know what we were supposed to do if there wasn’t any water around…
Well he demonstrated that other people could not necessarily be relied upon
He’s a construction worker and I grew up while we were building our family cabin and was around for a bunch of other projects so you learn a thing or two along the way. All my life I’ve been watching my dad create or fix things, so I typically try to fix something before just replacing it. Last year my electric dryer went out and I ordered a heating unit replacement kit from Amazon and took the back off the dryer, replaced all the parts, and had a working dryer again. I felt so cool and my dad literally sent me flowers that said, “you did it!” on the card lol
Showed me how to do everything- run the chainsaw, change the oil, change a tire, work on my own vehicle/4-wheeler/lawn mower etc. He took me fishing, ice fishing and hunting. Taught me proper firearm safety and respect. My dad spent time with me teaching me how to swim, snorkel and scuba dive. Camping, backpacking, canoeing, kayaking.
Truly, my dad showed me how to do all of it and I am forever grateful. He passed last fall after 49 years of marriage to my mother and it has been a rough ride without him so far. His energy for life was contagious and I know how lucky I was to have him as long as I did.
Some parents suck and should never have kids. My dad wasn’t one of those. He was a gawd damn legend.
LEFT.
He didn’t try to crush my spirit to fit into his mold, he set me free after teaching me how to fly.
I was the only girl out of 8 children. My dad wanted to coddle me and treat me like a girly girl, but when I was about 8, I said he had to stop pretending I was going to be some kind of living doll. I liked dirt and dirty things. Climbing trees, saving bugs, crawling under the house to find worms for the baby birds. He listened, and he made a very conscious effort to not turn me into his dream daughter, but to just accept me as I was. That made a world of difference to my self-esteem, and he learned to nourish my love for animal rescue and bringing home neighborhood kids that needed bandaged up. He would openly and quite often brag about how proud he was of his tough little girl, who always stood up for the underdog and nursed the sick or abandoned creatures of this world.
Most importantly, when I suddenly announced 26 years ago that I was getting married and moving to England, I know as a father he was terrified. But he also knew that I would never make such a monumental decision without thinking through every possible scenario. And although he hadn’t even met my fiancé yet, he dug deep and let me go. I knew he would always be a soft spot to land if things didn’t work out, and that gave me a sense of confidence and security that I believe every young girl needs from her father.
Thank you, daddy 💗
My first year of college, I lived in a dorm at a school 15 minutes from home. The night before, my dad helped me pack my car and made sure it was tuned up. The next day, my parents went to work and I drove myself to college, got myself registered, unpacked, and I was off! The last 3 years, I attended a college 12 hours away, and my father did the same thing. In the morning, there was a note on the table: “Let us know when you’re settled at school.” When I got to college, 3 states away, I was gobsmacked to find roommates my age with moms who were there making their beds and decorating their rooms for them… I was proud of my independence and capability. Felt like I’d landed with a bunch of overprotected children.
I was raised in the 1970’s-80’s. My parents gave me the tools and expected me to get on with figuring the rest out. So I did.
I dont think you expected this many bummer answers, OP, lol.
But yeah my dead held things he gave to me over my head and took them away whenever he was mad at me even if it was irrational. Now I refuse to let men give me things because I feel like they’re just using them to manipulate me
I’m the youngest out of 4 (sister, brother, brother, me) and I was the only one treated differently. I was treated like a China doll. My dad says it was bc I was severely asthmatic as a kid and he was afraid of triggering an attack. I think he was afraid that my mom wouldn’t let him see us any more if I had an attack. Bc of that I grew up knowing I was resented by my siblings.
Told me I didn’t have the guts to backpack Central America when I told him I wanted to go. That part of the world is where I figured out what kinda person I wanted to be, thanks for all the wonderful humans I met. I’ve been back 4 times now, and feel immense gratitude that I was more than what I was given credit for.
Stepdad Told me to never worry about what’s in somebody else’s pocket. Not even ya man! Cause they better not be worried about what’s in mine ! Then during my later years I heard him withholding money for our school uniforms cause my mom broke up with him. Smh, biological dad literally got upset when I tried to hold him to a promise of $50 and he told me I wasn’t his daughter when I was 16 (“found him” when I was 11, he used to pick me up every now and then and drop me off to whatever girlfriend at the time while he worked on cars) he taught me disappointment fs but I’ve never depended on another “man”. Served me right when I married 🙄 cause I couldn’t depend on him even if I wanted to!
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I have the best dad. He told me I could do whatever I out my mind to. That I don’t need a man but could choose a man who will adore me and enhance my life. My dad loved and respected my mother. He loves my brother and I unconditionally but will check me if I’m being an ass. I’m 53 and still so lucky that he is still with us.
Not pursue my mother when she left when I was 1. What an asshole. Found him through a dna test when I was 50. Took about a year to figure out what a horrid person he is. Thank goodness mom left!
He treated me like I was capable from a young age. My mom raised me for most of my childhood, but there were small pockets that I spent with my dad. My mom babied me and didn’t let me do anything for myself … and then failed to do the basics like feed me regularly. That led to some parentification where I was forced to take care of myself while also being limited (for example, by age seven, I had to get myself up and ready for school, but I wasn’t allowed to walk across the street to the bus stop alone).
The few times I did spend with my dad, however, he saw that I was capable, valued my opinions, and trusted my judgment. If I thought I could do something and he thought it was safe to do so, he would let me do it. If he didn’t think it was safe, he would calmly explain why and come up with a safer compromise. Basically, he treated me like an adult without forcing me to be one (as opposed to my mom, who treated me like a child and expected me to act like an adult). I appreciate it to this day.
Oops put
my dad was raised by single moms (i say plural because my aunt, his mom’s sister, stepped in for a few years) and i think for that reason, very deeply respects women. my dad frankly prefers a woman’s judgement on anything, and has never had a crude or objectifying word come out of his mouth. he had a really difficult childhood, and he was very deliberate to share what he learned from it in the hopes that i wouldn’t need to learn the hard way every time. he also very clearly adores my mom close to 30 years into their relationship, and provided a great example of being a thoughtful husband.
i never was his “princess”- he built me a gokart, he was happy to share any “masculine” hobby with me like cars, video games, and snakes, and he always reinforced he’d be there if i needed him, but he’d know he did his job if i didn’t. i used to try really hard to make him proud but i think his greatest pride in me is actually knowing he made a creature very intuned with what makes ME happy, and not for the performance of others anymore.
oh and i attribute my uncanny gifting sense to him. my dad is a great gift giver. everyone likes to ask how i “know” and i blame him. for anyone curious; notes. app. write it down whenever someone mentions something. 😉
Told me not to rely on men and find a job for myself, as well as encouraging me to make investments.
He also warned me about all the lies and tricks guys lean towards to protect me from choosing a bad man. He used to be a playboy back in his day, and broke a lot of hearts, so he wanted to make sure I wouldn’t end up like one of those girls. He especially warned me of red flags of abusive men (he wasn’t one himself, but he’s taught me everything that makes a guy a terrible one).
As a result, I’ve found a very good man.
He didn’t participate in my raising at all. He came home from work, did what he wanted to do, and got drunk every night. He had no interest in me. He never showed up to my band concerts or academic award ceremonies. My mom worked nights half of the time, and he wouldn’t cook dinner for me. He would only make something for himself. I learned to be self-sufficient at a young age, and now I never ask anyone for help, ever.
He taught me I was never lost. There was something specific I could look for to reorient myself.
From early years on my dad said to my sister and I two things so we would be self-sufficient women.
Always make your own money so you can be independent.
Get a university education to be able to get a good job to support yourself.
To me there was never any doubt or question that I would go to university, it was a natural progression of my life. I inherently believed I would have a career and a well paying job. So I worked hard and took risks to achieve what I believed I could achieve.
Your question takes me back so thanks for this.
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Wasn’t around enough to be counted on
He was a neglectful alcoholic, so I learned to be independent.
Absolutely nothing. Well, I guess he showed me what not to do.
Told my mother he didn’t want to have anything to do with her or the baby (me). Before and after I was born, I believe.
He taught me how to do things around the house as my own handyman, and I greatly appreciate having those life skills
On the positive side: he taught me anything I wanted to know. The broad scope of knowledge he gave me has been invaluable, and he did it with absolute patience and willingness.
On the negative: he allowed my mother to shred me to nothing, mentally and emotionally. He never stood up for me. And when the final day came, he threw me under a bus to save himself.
Not only am I independent, I am highly functional and independent. My bar is not low.
Neglect. Though that credit is shared equally with my mom 🤷🏻♀️
He fought for me to try and get me out of my mother’s custody (she’s horrible btw) but he didn’t want to force me to go live with him because thanks to my mother I never really knew him. She took me away when I was 3, and i only got to see him for a weeknd every two months. But with what chance he had with me he took the time to teach me about things I’d need to know in life (from how to defend myself to how to ride a bike and cook food etc) and explain the reasons as to why I was in a bad situation. At 13, I ran away from home and somehow managed to find my dads address and lived with him. If it wasn’t for the things he taught me, i would never have been able to take care of myself or my sister (who is not related to my dad) the whole time I was in my mother’s custody. I have friends who have had parents, with good intentions, in the same situation as my dad get forced out of their bad surroundings by their parents, and now distrust their parent for that betrayal they felt since they were to young to understand. I am glad my dad did it the way he did, so that didn’t happen, though it meant i was in a bad place out of his control. I’ve grown up pretty much being my own adult and that’s damaged me a bit. But dad didn’t hold me back and try and step in and be the bossy parent, and going from no one to suddenly having a teenage child was a challenge for him as well. So we came up with a system where I was essentially just someone living in a room in his house haha. It’s taken a few years of living with eachother to actually build a relationship, and alot of people say we act more like friends than farther and daughter, but that’s okay with me.
He and my mom were equals. He cooked, cleaned, took care of us, etc. And not in a typical dad way…like he actually did a good job of it. (Except for the one time he got creative and tried to make hot dog soup…but I digress.) My mom never had to prepare the house or us whenever she went away with friends for the weekend. My dad was just as involved as she was. This was the 80s-90s.
He had all daughters. Not once did he ever treat us like we were fragile or delicate or anything like that. He taught us to fish, play softball, and pick a crab but he also played baby dolls and Barbie’s with us without making us feel any type of way about it. He’d go ALL in lol.
He never told us we weren’t allowed to date or made vague threats to boyfriends. He’d tell us if he thought they were dumb, but he’d also say, “I raised you well enough to decide on your own.” My first boyfriend asked him if he could propose when we were 18 (LOL) and my dad said, “I’m not the one you want to marry – why are you asking me?” (No…we did not get married, thank god.)
He treated us like people with individual interests and hobbies and personalities, not like objects that he owned.
I think it helped that even though my dad is a young boomer, his mother always worked. My grandfather had a great job and she did not have to work, but she did because she was independent. They raised 4 boys together. They also treated each other as equals, ESPECIALLY considering they were part of the Greatest/Silent Generation.
Came out as gay
Not keep his promises
Nothing lol. Left and was cheating on my mom while married to her the entire time, I was the last born out of 3 and I couldn’t remember what he looked like. He’s “trying” now but he just gives guilt money when I ask for it. I’m now a nearly 30 year old but everyone thinks I’m younger due to cptsd and age regression that’s not even intentional.
lol be an angry POS
Nothing
In a joint effort with my mom- Had a nasty, years-long divorce with my mom and cultivated my tendency to debate by making me into their divorce mediator as a preteen. I’ve learned to see disagreements from all sides and break them down into bite-sized pieces from each perspective for the people involved, and maintain neutrality long enough to get each of them to see the other’s viewpoint before passing my own judgement on the situation.
It takes a lot of mental/emotional labor, though.
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Ditched me completely when I was a kid
Never expected me to fulfill gender roles like doing housework lol
Never ever commented on or tried to restrict my movements (e.g. going out) or clothing or anything like that
Idk he just treated me like a person and not a gender
Ah, he also taught me to think for myself and question authority. E.g. just because a teacher says something doesn’t mean they’re automatically right, and things like that.
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taught me how to use tools. wilderness survival skills. urban survival skills. most importantly, he taught me to put myself first, that i am my own most important person. he taught me that no one gets to treat me like shit or talk to me like an asshole.
He’s abusive, so I got out early. I’m no contact, I can’t ask for advice or help. I figure things out myself.
He always believed in me and still does ❤️
Tried to gaslight me by saying I was lying about SA he was informed about years ago.
Dad?
He died. He had cancer most of my life. I feel like I had less of a childhood than other kids cause there was always this dark cloud. He was a really good dad at times. I remember he taught me how to punch, what initiative meant, and that men and women were equal. He had his faults, but he kept trying to do better. After he died, I had to grow up faster. I stopped letting people use me and grew a spine. I wish it hadn’t made me so bitter, though. I love you, Dad.
Both parents were always unavailable when I needed to talk out a problem , and I couldn’t confide in them, so I learned early on to solve my problems myself,
My dad is a renaissance man and can do it all. He taught me how to maintain my car, do my taxes, electrical work, plumbing, roofing, cabinetry, flooring, tile work, masonry, you name it. I have replaced toilets, rewired stoves and washers, built PCs, reupholstered recliners and car seats, completely remodeled my house from design/blueprints to demolition to finish work (though admittedly I’m better at demo than finishing). I could drive harvesters (tractors) unassisted by 12, farm trucks by 14, and front end loaders by 16. My birthday gifts from him were power tools and tool sets that I still use today.
I don’t have to depend on anyone to do a damn thing. (Except anything to do with gas appliances or HVAC, I ain’t touching that mess.)
The most important thing he ever taught me though, was how to troubleshoot. Being able to figure out the source of a problem and then how to fix it has been the keystone to the success of my IT career. I owe him everything. ❤️
he trusted me to make my own decisions in life even though he knew those were sometimes the wrong decisions.
nevertheless he encouraged me to experience life fully but more importantly he stood by me and comforted me when the consequences of my own actions came knocking at the door.
it helped me understand that fundamentally, life is hard but if you can trust in your decisions, in your own beliefs and in your ability to get back up when life beats you down, you will be able to stand on your own two feet bravely.
sometimes it’s scary to be wholly responsible for myself but i know my dad is always looking out for me if i do need support.
thank you papa for everything. you are the best dad a girl could ever ask for. i love and cherish you so much.
Was a really good dad to me and made sure i learned the importance of effort, being humble and creative problem solving
He At least didn’t get in my way
Was rarely present because work mattered most.
He didnt help. I had to do everything myself.
My father has always believed in my abilities. He taught me to do things myself. He said I can choose any profession I like, and he took me to visit a tech university. He always listen to my problems and encouraged me to think how I could overcome or solve them.
He coached me, in sports and life. He worked like nobody else I know, he had a third shift factory job, slept while I was at school, then took me along afterschool when he would referee football & basketball games. He started a side business building ponds and habitats for fish, frogs & turtles. I love rocks because he would smash rocks to get the right colors and pieces for his walls.
He taught me compassion. He loves animals. We had dogs and cats and birds and lizards and turtles and ducks. He nursed a pregnant koi fish back to life with a sling he made himself and a little mouth-to-gill.
And he’s here for me now, at 37, while I’m having a really hard time with life. He is and was always there when I need him. I know when I’m scared or in trouble that I can call my dad and he’s going to answer and drop everything to help me.
I’ve been thru a lot of shitty stuff in life, but my Dad always makes reassures me that it’s gonna be okay. After a lot of loss, I can’t think of anything more valuable than the security and stability. He makes me feel safe.
This year we did the women’s march together and it really made me realize that he’s a different breed. He’s a 60-something working class white guy, and it was his idea for us to get out there and protest Trump.
My car wouldn’t start today and he took me to work and just dropped me off home after my shift. I’m really really lucky to have my dad and I hope he outlives me because I can’t imagine being able to get thru anything in life without him.
He lets me help him fix things in the house whenever I show interest- he’s a retired plumber/worked in construction and is a very handy man, he built so many things in our home, and it’s inspired me to DIY things myself for my future home 🙂 if we lose heat or an outlet short-circuits, I know how to fix it thanks to him 🫡
He was the very best role model that a father could be.
One very specific moment that changed my mindset: he was teaching me how to drive stick in the empty high school parking lot and I kept stalling. I broke down and said I wouldn’t drive us home (it was maybe a five minute drive with two or three stop signs). I was too upset and scared people behind me would get annoyed if I stalled when it was my turn to go. He let me cry it out but calmly repeated he would not be the one driving us home. After a bit of time I finally did it.
I learned that when something seems impossible, it’s okay to have a little mental moment but then you have to pick yourself up and do that thing you’re scared of.
He was pretty wrapped up in being depressed and anxious all the time and wouldn’t do anything to change it. So at a certain point, I finally realized he only seemed most annoyed at me when I still lived at home or talked to him.
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Go out drinking with his friends quite often to leave me with my depressed and barely functioning mother :’)
He criticized me so much that I went to therapy to try to fix my broken brain – liked it so much and found it so helpful that I became a therapist 👍🏼 thanks for the career dad
Divorced my mom when I was 11, left for another state with another woman and started a new family. Cut off most contact by high school. Made me determined to prove I could handle being an adult despite a lack of decent parental support (mom wasn’t great either). Went to college, met my husband, he stays home and I work because we can.
Apparently he really insisted that we don’t watch princess movies as kids because he thought they were too complacent. which is kinda cool. He was also my stay at home parent. My mom’s always been the breadwinner, tho his amount of okay with it varies, he has some hang ups about work. He seems to generally mistrust teenage boys, which I also think is fair.
He’s an immigrant from a pretty conservative country, so I gotta give him kudos for being somehow both reserved and pretty open minded.
Bought me pads and tampons with zero shame, taught me to put things together and take them apart, apologized when he messed up, and shared his favorite books.
Make me do things even if I felt like I can’t do it. Apply for loans, pay electric bills, pay taxes, find out apartments for rent, figure out stuff. He always says “why don’t you give it a shot? No one knows how to do things magically, they all try and figure it out. If you can’t do it then I’ll sit with you and figure out”
I was raised by a very egotistical father and brother. Our home was generally sexist as I did most of the cooking and cleaning help while my brother slacked off. I was also expected to have better grades, a busy extracurricular schedule and be college-ready. All the while my brother was out late, skipping class, and being a loser.
Growing up this way made me incredibly independent and confident that any success I created was my own. I now own a successful six figure company and my husband is a SAHD, of which I’m very proud of. If you ask my father, he will take most credit for success stating that he raised me this way. I agree, but not in the way that he would take credit for. 😉
My father respected me and treated me so well, that I couldn’t expect anything less from my husband.
He told me I could get my driver’s license only after I learned to change a tire and change my own oil. He taught me himself and it came in handy for sure. Mind you, this is the same man who wouldn’t let me mow the lawn because that was “a man’s job” and taught my kid brother to do it instead lol. Whatever.
drank a couple fifths of whisky each night
My dad showed me what love looks like by how he loved my mom. He was a gentle, hard working man and he made sure that I knew how to take care of things myself…how to change a tire, how to assemble furniture, how to change out a light fixture and a multitude of other things. He was the measure to which any man had to live up to be with me. I miss him with all my heart and loved him deeply.
Bully/Verbally abuse me
He was absent, negligent, self absorbed, alcoholic, apathetic, immature, selfish, dishonest, and fairly disinterested in making any effort towards being a father. I had to raise myself in most ways, which made me strong and independent in spite of him.
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Abused me and then abandoned
He put me in all kinds of ‘uncomfortable’ situations. Signing me up for shit, forcing me to speak in public etc. This man believed so hard in me I was just forced to meet his expectations. A lot of them still cause me issues (spoiler alert, I am not the smartest person on the entire planet, neither the bravest nor the most athletic), BUT, I am self reliant, I fare well in stressful situations, I’m resourceful, I keep on moving despite setbacks. Overall 6/10 experience.
Made sure to never help my mom with the house even though they worked the same hours at the same job. She would cook a great dinner and he wouldn’t put his plate in the dishwasher. Also emotionally stunted. I pick terrible partners so it way more enjoyable to live solo, but not lonely, at all.
Lower my expectations so I wouldn’t be disappointed.
Died.
Insisted upon a paternity test because there was no chance in hell I was his
I was.
Abusive behaviour and letting me down again and again.
Trust nobody except yourself.
Didn’t buy me much. Made me earn my own money as a teen. Praised me. Called me out when I needed it.
Not be a dad. He was there physically (sometimes), otherwise I had to figure everything out for myself
Neglected me.
He saw that i loved making things so he got me in the workshop using tools, taught me tool safety and what results I could get using which tools. To the point he actually asked my advice on a project he’s working on the other day, the man who I thought knew everything! He gave me my first hand saw and last year he gave me a drill press he wasn’t using anymore.
He also taught me about drugs, and how they might feel good in the moment but can have devastating effects.
He taught me to have my own opinions… we would sit at the dinner table when I was a kid and we would pick a subject and argue about it until it got personal (that’s how you know someone has lost). He taught me that if I was going to have an opinion about things, I needed to research and understand what I was arguing.
My parents relationship taught me that your partner should be your best friend and you support each other, you should lean on each other and pick up the slack when the other needs you too. You can fight, but not hold grudges.
I got so damn lucky
Ah yes, the duality of my dad. He always reminded me that I have the core characteristics: smart, athletic, and as a bonus, cute, but he told me I didn’t need that part. But he also told me things like I should just get over my sexual trauma because it happened in the past or that I was faking my depression. That one was an eye opener, I realized that although I already couldn’t trust most men with providing emotional support, I definitely couldn’t trust most men that were the closest with me.
Left me to be raised by my mother, another independent woman. He’s in my life again now, though, and has a lot of dad jobs that he’s been catching up on. 😅
Would drop in and out of our lives for years. Not paying child support, leaving my mom to raise myself and my three brothers on a waitress salary.
This caused my Mom to become independent, resourceful, and my biggest hero. This caused me to become independent and resourceful.
Thanks, Dad!
My dad was not a nurturing parent, he was very disciplinary, so in the effort to avoid any kind of punishment for even simple questions I learned to seek out the information myself. I spent a lot of time outside of the house, and communicating with every person I came across. It actually made me very self sufficient.
Encouraged and empowered me to make my own decisions and my own mistakes (where he knew there was learning involved) and then treated me as an adult when it was time to do so!
He raised me and my other siblings by himself when my mom left us in the middle of the night and took all the money for herself, put our family in 6 months of debt, and ran away with a man she met online in the late 90s (aka when meeting someone was shady af lol)
Learned how to grow up really quickly after that. Cooking, cleaning, working to help my dad as much as possible. He was working a lot of overtime to make ends meet. I was 11.
Died suddenly in an accident when i was young. My mum was left a widow with young kids. We all had to step up. And all of the kids are educated and always work: this way whatever life dishes out, we always have the ability to work and make money. Thankfully none of us has had it as hard as my mum – but that’s the thing about tragedies – they are unexpected.
Everything. My dad was my everything
He was the only person that ever understood me, he understood my suicidal feelings when I was young when everyone else just called me selfish and pathetic. He understood everything about me and loved me unconditionally.
He was the most emotional, loving, open person and everyone loved him – people came from Australia (to England) to cry at his funeral.
The only bad thing about him was he made me completely unafraid of men – bitten a few times and still love men, I see them as emotional taps that haven’t been opened yet.
He is the only reason I am alive and I don’t believe in any religions but if there’s one thing I can wish for after death it’s to be with him, the only man that ever loved me.
Spent time in the woods with me
Always gave me the choice – I was never pushed into those afterschool activities, it was what I wanted to do (which incidentally turned out to be nothing after being encouraged to try everything).
He taught me, and is still teaching me, how to be more positive in life. He’s generally a very optimistic person, whereas I deal with depression. So he does his best to be encouraging about my future and help raise my confidence as an independent young woman.
That, and teach me how to drive. He was a former truck driver…so learning that was something else lol. But I did learn from him on how to be independent more in that sense too.
He was emotionally absent so I sought love from older men. I lost my virginity at 14 to a 19 year old because I was just so happy to get his attention. I’m 35 and don’t want any attention from anyone. I wanted my father’s love and attention so bad for so long. I got a little of it when I had a health issue 10 years ago. Now that I’m fine I haven’t heard from him in 9 years.
My older sister is a successful nurse happily living with her boyfriend, who is an amazing man that I adore. At 18 I entered into a relationship with a man who was 26 and abusive. When I told my father, he acted like he gave a shit. If he gave a shit he wouldn’t have left us. I can’t trust men to be safe because of him. I know that there are good ones out there, but I’m tired of getting hurt. The only male who has never hurt me? My chihuahua.
Died when I was 4
Treated my sister better than me, so I learned to be self-reliant.
He trusted me enough to make my own decisions, especially when it came to dating as a teenager. His confidence in me always made me consider my actions on a deeper level.
He’s a psychiatric nurse. The boyfriend advice he gave me was clinical and “Dump him”.
was a raging alcoholic and left
I grew up watching him disrespect every woman in his life. My sister and I are now feminists 🥰
Told me when I was 5 and starting primary school that as a black woman I would need to work and do not twice but four times better than my schoolmates. Pushed me to study. Encouraged me in every choice I made in my life, especially study and career choices. Taught me not tolerate bullshit from anyone. Taught me to be nice and polite, but not a doormat. Not to be aggressive, but assertive. To always work hard, but also find ways to get what I want or need from people. That if I behave rightly and think smart, I would easily get (almost) everything I want. Taught me not to depend on a man for everything, which is funny since he is a traditional man himself.
He used to offer me gifts and things I wanted when I was younger when I worked well at school, but also other random gifts, so I would not feel impressed by men giving me crumbs when I would grow up. That’s why now that I am 30, I am not impressed by men doing the bare minimum, but also not impressed by men taking me in nice restaurants or paying for our activities/dates. I still appreciate when they do this and I express my thankfulness, but I am not impressed and make them clear I am not the woman they will hold by the money. They can gift me expensive things, if they are disrespectful to me or do things I don’t like, I leave. They can’t buy my sympathy or love.
When my dad talks about me to other people, he has stars in his eyes. He trusts my judgment in a lot of subjects and always asks my opinion on things or decisions regarding the family, his personal life sometimes.
When I got my second Master’s degree, he was thrilled. I was burned out, mentally exhausted. I was not happy. He told me I should take time to rest and look at my accomplishments. That I did very well since I am a child, and I should celebrate myself more. He still comes sometimes in my room to tell me he is proud of me and I should not forget my accomplishments.
He is now fully supporting me as I am preparing myself to relocate in another country for another PhD (I quit the current one i was doing due to my mother’s death).
Taught me basic handyman skills. While my mom taught me cooking and sewing, my dad taught me how to change a light fixture, fix a leaky faucet, paint, patch holes in walls, build or repair furniture, change the oil in my car,… stuff like that. Came in handy when I met my hubs cause he never learned any of that. I’m the one to tends to things around our house and keeps it functional.
He always supported my education and explicitly told me many times not to be beholden to any man, to make my own money and take care of myself. He never pressured me to marry or have children.
leave me when I wasnt even born
he moved to a different continent when I was born and we never heard from him again
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He always said I could do it on my own and never did anything for me that I could do myself, even if I was scared or lazy.
My Dad is a genuinely good man and father. He’s not perfect,but he always encouraged and supported all of us. His big thing was always- I won’t be mad if you fail,so long as you try your best.
He’s always been proud of my career achievements, offered help and to teach me DIY stuff. Encouraged me not to settle for anything less than a partner who enhances my life.
Emotionally abandoned me when I was 12.
Taught me that I could depend on nobody. Totally impacted my choice in men. Trying to unlearn all of these lessons so I don’t ruin my marriage.
I played softball and sometimes in any sport, you just have an “off” day where nothing seems to be falling together. You’ll strike out, miss easy plays, trip over your own feet.
Instead if scolding or being harsh, my dad would say something patient and silly like “Well, you didn’t have to save all your mistakes up for one game but I guess if this is how you get them out of the way then we don’t have to worry about any more for a while.”
It taught me to really have patience with myself and other people. And to work through those days with as much grace as I could muster. Sometimes you’re just going to have a bad day-that’s life. But the rest of it can be great.
He left us
Always encouraged me in my education. Helped by watching my kids when I was a single mom in nursing school and as a working nurse. Taught me how to manage money. Taught me basic car maintenance and home improvement. never made me feel like I couldn’t do something because of my gender. I miss him 😓
Leave
Made it clear you can’t rely on anyone but yourself
My dad never had boys, just two girls. And i remember him telling us that he wanted to teach us everything he would teach a son, cause we don’t need to depend on guys to do this for us. He taught me how to change a tire, how to check my oil, how to change spark plugs, how to change the air filter, etc etc.
I also remember when i had my first big heartbreak at 16 (after i told them my bf at the time wasn’t texting back and my dad went investigative mode and found a mugshot of him after he was arrested for DUI), i literally cried on my dad’s shoulder and he told me I was too good to be crying over a guy like that. I always heard his voice whenever I would cry over a relationship and it always made me feel better cause he was right.
Had very high expectations of me but provided absolutely no support (even emotional) while punishing me for any failure to meet his standards that were uniquely for me. By making my unique experience within the family so toxic, both he and my mother made it possible for me to entirely cut them out of my life when I was eighteen (and well experienced in the responsibilities of being an adult since they both neglected but parentalized me).
Walked away, paid for my own education, and have very limited contact with my family. I am happier having dealt with the aftermath of my upbringing with the help of an excellent therapist while also using the skills of an adult that I was forced to learn as a child to avoid the common financial and emotional pitfalls many young adults encounter when on their own for the first time.
He taught me not to depend on him for anything. When I told the truth, I was beat. When I showed emotion, I was mocked. When I played sports, he never saw a game. When I was 15 he called the cops on me and told them to come get me or he was gonna kill me. When I got my drivers license and asked when I could get a car (after watching him give 2 of my step-brothers cars), I was told to get a job. When I was a senior in HS and wanted to go to college, he told me he wasn’t paying for it and my college money was gone (money from my dead mother). When I turned 18, I had to pay him rent. When I got pregnant, he told me he wasn’t “raisin’ no grand babies”. And he didn’t. Never would even babysit for me. When I was broke and damn near homeless, he never offered me a dime to help me, and by this time I had learned not to ask or I’d get quilt trips about how this was money for his new garage or new 5th wheel or new what-the-fuck-ever. So so so many more examples.
And now…I am 57. Good job. Decent place to live. Can afford to pay my bills. On my own. With years of therapy behind me. He is 80 and has dementia and lives in an assisted living apartment. Paid for by his pension and VA disability. And he wonders why I don’t call or visit. He is 3 hrs away from me and I see no reason to spend 150$ of my own money on gas to go see him. My siblings call him regularly. I do not. (They do not live nearby) They think I should call him. I tell them to piss off. They think I should go visit him. I tell them to piss off. I do help my siblings with taking care of his affairs, but I am very much in the background.
He is now an angry old boomer yelling at his current lot in life. I could not care less. I’m not even sure I will cry at his funeral.
He taught me how to maintain my car, had me help him build stuff, and taught me lots of other various little things.
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Neglected my emotional needs. He was also a single dad while me and my bro were growing up, so yeah. Being emotionally neglected as a tween and teen made me the traumatized hyperindepent STUBBORN woman I am today. So basically my dad turned his daughter in a man 😂😭💪🏽 It’s been kinda hard to be in a healthy relationship when I think I can do everything better myself.
My dad purposely raised me to be competent, know how things work (systems, procedures, just life stuff), independent, a problem-solver. When my husband and I got engaged, he apologized to my husband for raising me to be independent and sure enough, it’s sometimes an issue in our marriage.
Was basically not involved or emotionally available/relatable
Taught me that he’d be there for all his friends and their kids, but never for me.
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My dad was and is a functional part of his household. I’m 46, and my sibling is 49, so this isn’t exactly recent, but my dad changed diapers, fed, cuddled, and carried us as babies. He cooked meals, did housework (there is, and was division to what housework because mom didn’t like how he did laundry or cleaned bathrooms so she won’t let him do those), washed dishes, did bed time, and just simply parented us. Mom did all of this as well, so it wasn’t like dad “had to because she didn’t.” We are a family, and dad is a part of it. This carried through to his grandkids, too. He wasn’t just the old guy asleep in his chair. He was the reader of stories, the creator of activities, the organizer of clean up and snacks. And now that his grandkids are in their late teens, he’s their biggest cheerleader, a teacher of skills and someone they can call for life advice as well.
I joke with my husband that I have “reverse daddy issues.” I had to find and marry a stellar human so that he would be equal to the role my dad played. Luckily, I did, and he and my parents have gotten along well from the start. My kids have grown up with strong and loving male role models and the knowledge that everyone works towards creating a happy life.
Passed away
My bio parents died in a car accident when I was 13. But I do have a really special memory of my dad from before then.
I would have been about 6, and we were taking a road trip through the (US) Midwest, for some reason I’ve forgotten. Because of where we were, I had farms on my little-girl brain. So I told my parents that I wanted to be a farmer’s wife when I grew up, so that I could take care of animals.
My dad answered me, “why be a farmer’s wife? Why not be a farmer?”
Emotional abuse and alcoholism 💕✨