What are the things that your father have done or said to you when you were a kid that you will not do or say to your children when you become a father someday?
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My father left my family when I was 3 months old and was in and out of my life. When I was 8 I remember telling him that my mom was telling me how strong I was. And he looked at me and said “you will never be as tall, strong or handsome as me. You are going to be short and frumpy just like your mom” I didn’t know what frumpy meant so I asked and he told me. I didn’t quite understand at the time but as I got older the more it stuck with me.
I have a child now and I couldn’t ever imagine saying something close to what he told me that day to them.
I’ll never be abusive to my daughters, physically, emotionally, mentally.
My daughters will know how much I love them because I will tell it to them every day. And not just saying it in words, I will show it to them by my actions!
Love and support no matter what, especially in their youth and into adulthood!!
I think in general I’m going to be more open minded with my kids than my dad. I just don’t think he considered the possibility of having a gay son. It hasn’t been the same since I came out and I really hope to make an environment where my kids can talk to me about anything.
My dad was and is great to me directly, but he is very passive / a people pleaser, and my mom is not so great. I wouldn’t say she is quite psychologically abusive to him but it gets close to the line from time to time. When I started dating I kept ending up in psychologically abusive relationships, to the point that I ended up talking with a psychologist about it when I was about 25. I had to unlearn a lot of bad patterns I had learned unconsciously from my parents’ example. So for me, I’ve learned it’s not enough to treat my children well, I also need to show them that I stand up for myself.
Never bully them, no corporal punishment, listen to them, believe in their feelings, make them feel loved not just tell them their loved, get involved in the things they like, apologize when you make mistakes because you definitely will as a parent, understand you brought these children into the world and as teenagers it’s their job to challenge you, finally be humble. I’m sure there’s so much more that I needed as a child, but I definitely provided this to my children
Nothing to be honest. My dad is a smooth simpleton. Talks a good game but he doesn’t back it up. I quiet him up with a wave. He knows I know his bullshit. You shit, or get off the pot.
One thing I’m driving into my daughter is that hard work and resilience is key. Good habits consistently practiced over the decades is key. And to choose your vices wisely.
I mean, she’s 4. But the above is something she’ll be hearing about a lot through the years 😄
Always talking down to me and positioning our relationship as some sort of competition.
As I got older, I always thought that I’d look back and appreciate the things he said to me when I was a kid. At age 40, I still don’t.
Now, I try and give him the benefit of the doubt – he wasn’t a bad dad, but him forcing his religion on me and uncomfortably violating my privacy on a regular basis is something that I will never do with my kids. Even in to my 20s I used to catch him snooping around my room.
He once randomly busted open my bedroom door to yell at me about literally nothing – he said he was tired of me thinking that “everything he said was a bad idea.” There was no altercation before this, no negative lead up, and to this day I still have no idea what I did. Weird instances like this of him having an outburst and taking his rage out on me became tiring.
And the thing was, I was a great kid! I did extremely well in school, never got in trouble with authority, didn’t drink or do drugs, worked a ton of hours to put myself through college, and continue to be quite successful.
Nowadays, he still acts like he knows everything and never fails to give me unsolicited advice. And it’s usually either incredibly obvious advice or just straight up bad advice – like lecturing me to buy the cheapest stuff I can or encouraging me to take lazy shortcuts. And that’s just not me – I like to do my research, buy the best products that will last, and do things the right way to the best of my ability.
But, he is who he is, and I do my best to not let it get to me. I still have what I consider a good relationship with him, even if he still talks down to me. He means well, but it feels like he was never able to acknowledge or respect my success.
My father is a self absorbed abuse survivor who did the best he could. He still thought fear was more useful to a parent than love. He practiced what could be called benign neglect. I got no help, support, etc. with school, finding jobs, getting into college, etc.
Mind you I was required to have a job from age 15 on, required to be on the honor roll at school, and required to go to college. Just don’t expect him to do anything for any of it.
So I did none of that. I learned how to support my kids while still letting them fight their own battles. We provide enough help that they can do things on their own and learn in the process.
I never heard “I love you” from my dad, ever.
One day when he was under ten, my middle kid asked me why I always said “I love you.” I told him that I will never know if my dad ever liked me, or loved me.
Since then, he and the other kids say it to me every day, at the end of every call, every time I leave the house, every time I come home. And of course I say it to them just as often. It’s practically the house motto.
💕
“Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack “Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack “Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack “Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack. Pro tip: smacking 4yo’s in the face does not make them stop crying
My dad always made jokes at our (his children’s) expense. Hey Judas, I got your new my little pony underwear like you asked! In front of people.
It didn’t scar me, but I always felt it was in such poor taste.
He also told blonde jokes (mybsosters were blonde) he told racist jokes (we are white) he constantly mentioned when women were fat.
I honestly still have a lot of work undoing the racist and sexist thoughts that pop up into my head. I can always hear him in my head saying “wow she’s fat!” In a derogatory way and I suppose in a way I’m glad that I will never ever say anything like that in front of my children.
Over criticism. Nothing is good enough, everything I do is wrong, I could have done more. I could tell him something and he will ignore it and someone else tells him the same thing and it’s the best idea ever and I have to hear how stupid I am for not knowing that. Constantly comparing to others, always expecting more and never being proud of what I’ve accomplished. Its useless to have a discussion about anything because it gets thrown in your face provided the anger doesn’t go through the roof in .01 seconds.
I’m gonna celebrate my kids accomplishment. If he messes up I’ll teach how to do better. Failure is ok. Try again. Spend actual time with them and take some interest or understanding the things they like to bond.
My dad was a great dad except he was a womanizing misogynist.
I will never repeat “Screw as many women as you can. They’re all the same. Fat ones, skinny ones, ugly ones, it doesn’t matter. They all have the same hole.” While he made a vagina hole by sticking the palms of his hands together. I knew as a 15 year old that shit was wrong.
It’s more about what I will say. I’ve already failed at not saying/doing a bunch of stuff my dad did. But I do say sorry, I make sure to tell my son that it was my fault that I lost my cool and yelled, not his, even if he was doing the wrong thing. I feel like I need to say sorry too much sometimes, and that makes me a bad father, but I knew my father was close to death when he apologized to my mother 3 times in 1 conversation. Talking to her later I said I didn’t think I’d heard him say the word sorry 3 times before in my whole life (he would never even talk about apologies in the abstract or even to do with other people, they were just avoided at all times). She replied that she couldn’t think of another time he had ever apologised to her in their marriage. He died within 24 hours.
This is easy, considering father left me when I was two.
He and my mom had split, and she was pregnant with her then boyfriend’s child.
According to my mom (no prize herself in the parenting department, but that’s another issue), he was there to see me and was hanging out with my aunt and uncle while my mom was cleaning.
My mom had made some comment about how it would be nice he helped, and that started an argument.
He left that day and never came back, and while we have spoken by phone a couple of times, I haven’t seen him since.
according to her, he said he hoped she and that baby would die.
People say hurtful things, so on it’s own, that’s whatever. He’s a dick and that’s a horrible thing to say, but shit happens.
Thing is, my mom gave birth to my baby sister in February, and my sister died of SIDS in June of that same year.
When I was 14 I learned that he married and had three other kids, which fucked me up. Later I learned he was an abusive psychopath to his new family and none of them want anything to do with him. Considering how much happened to me and my other siblings (I’m the oldest of 11) it’s a coin toss whether I wound up better off without him.
When I told my old man over dinner one night that I thought about being a newsreporter, he told me, in not so many words, that I had a face for radio. Maybe dont do that.
I won’t ever tell my son that Im too overwhelmed eith my own mental challenges and stress to be around him, nor will I chase him away for hours at a time or even a full day just to compose myself.
Struggling to cut my meat during dinner, he told me if I keep « playing » that would be the last thing I’d have the opportunity to do. My fork felt on the floor after because I wasn’t able to cut my meat in my plate on my own; he broke my ribs to the point I wasn’t able to go to school for a little more than 2 weeks. I was 7
My father was pretty verbally/emotionally abusive. If I got a B on a test ever – “way to go idiot” or “good job dumb ass” or some variation of those. Even in achievement, top honors – big promotion – etc etc etc; I was stupid or dipshit and so on. While growing up this way has made me slow down and try and make choices after putting some real thought into them. By taking more time for decisions, it has allowed me to sort out the following things and don’t allow them to affect or persuade my decision:
I have no chance of changing or
don’t directly influence me, my path, or any of my friends or colleagues paths (within reason, this doesn’t mean I won’t face conflict or listen to suggestions)
By doing this, my days have become much more organized and logical, and I make less mistakes in life in general. But obviously for my children I’d like to just teach them efficient and organization while also boosting them up, not tearing them down.
My father told me he’d be very unhappy and disappointed if I turned out to be gay. Also, he once beat me for eating too much of a cake (2-3 slices instead of 1).
Black nail polish: “Do you want people to think you’re gay?”
My hair is long and I don’t want a haircut: “You don’t want people thinking you’re a “f****t.”
Dating a bi girl: “Why do you like damaged people?”
As a 4.0 GPA high schooler taking college courses and APs wanting to stay out a bit later than my 10 PM curfew, “Are you on drugs?”
When I was 8 and put my hands on my hips winded from running, “That’s how girls stand, men put their hands on their knees if they’re tired. Don’t look like a girl.”
Also, all the religious trauma, and the refusal to discuss theology when I had serious theological questions. But his religion affirms that he is a good person who will go to a Heaven because he earned it, because… tithing and attendance/singing.
“Jesus said to sell all your belongings and give them to the poor, why do we have all this when you say there are starving children in Africa?”
Well – Jesus doesn’t want us to suffer…
No, He literally said we should suffer on Earth, because we’ll have our eternal reward in Heaven. Why do we have a house when others don’t? He said to invite strangers in, why do only only we live here?
Well he didn’t mean it quite literally..
Ultimately, his dad sucked more and we all can only try our best. There are worse dads out there and I’ll give him grace as he’s getting toward end of life.
he’d always call me irresponsible for every small mistake
he always said i was good for nothing
he criticized every single thing i do (present tense)
he would always tell me i can’t do anything right
he beat me up more than once
he never apologized for his mistakes or for hurting me; he’d instead fixate on what i did wrong
he never participated in any of my interests + he called them dumb and useless
literally saw him throw away a gift i gave him
he went to a play i was in; not even a “congratulations,” he criticized everything
he missed explicitly said he was not interested in attending the premiere night of my college film
he was late to my graduation… they said they made it in time, but now that i think of it, they never showed me pictures of me on stage from any of their phones…
.
I’ll end with college, but the list goes on and on and on…
My son loves me though. I’m very intentional with everything I say to and around him, and the same with everything I do to and around him. I want to make sure that he’ll grow up with happy childhood memories and that he’ll grow up to be a happy and kind person.
Comparing me to other people. It was worse when I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression disorder. I’d have a particularly bad few days and my dad would say stupid shit like “oh you’re having a rough time? Terry Fox ran across Canada with one leg but you can’t do (X)”. Or when he was yelling at me because I was having a depressive episode and I finally snapped and said “well what do you want me to do just fake being happy around you” and he told me to snap out of it and “wake up and smell the coffee”.
He would also call my teacher if I brought home a mark that was anything less than a 70 (50 was a passing grade). Even when I started high school and was struggling with the math the teacher said “Vulcan has a 68 in this class which is one of the highest. The average is about 60 which is common every year because the way math is taught in high school is different. Plus he tries his absolute best every day”. Didn’t matter to him that I was top of the class or that I was putting in extra time to get better.
I would never compare my child to anyone or talk down to them for doing their best.
Honestly – one of the reasons I won’t ever have kids of my own is because of how fucked up my parents are/were.
My father used to beat the living shit out of my mom and when he was done with her he’d come after me. And I’d always get up and take more so that he wouldn’t hurt my sister or younger brother.
By the time my mother finally got us all out of there she was so mentally damaged that she could barely function anymore she was just mentally broken. So I did the majority of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child minding of my younger brother and sister. I’ve already raised two kids…don’t need to do it again.
But yeah – I would never hit a child. And certainly never say anything like “this hurts me more than it hurts you”. Ha! The fuck it does!
My wife and I have been trying for years and have all but totally given up… but if by some miracle I was to become a dad:
I would never ever make my kid feel like they owed me anything just for being their dad and providing for them. My dad always made me feel like I owed him for that, but not in the sense of “pay me back the money.” In the sense that because he raised me and provided for me, he felt he could control every aspect of my life as I grew older.
This ended in a literal fight, I think I was 20, where punches were thrown (I threw the first punch) and there was pushing and shoving.
But that started my dad and I’s healing our relationship, and today in my 40s I can honestly say he’s one of my best friends, we talk a couple of times a week at least and get along fine now.
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My dad told me he shot his dad.
I hope I dont have to tell my son that.
Meth…
Pretty much everything he ever said
My father left my family when I was 3 months old and was in and out of my life. When I was 8 I remember telling him that my mom was telling me how strong I was. And he looked at me and said “you will never be as tall, strong or handsome as me. You are going to be short and frumpy just like your mom” I didn’t know what frumpy meant so I asked and he told me. I didn’t quite understand at the time but as I got older the more it stuck with me.
I have a child now and I couldn’t ever imagine saying something close to what he told me that day to them.
“If you wanna keep crying I’ll give you something to cry about!”
Yeah, I didn’t pass that shit on
My parents picked my hobbies for me and controlled my weekend schedules instead of asking me what I wanted to do. I won’t be repeating that mistake.
That was them wanting to show off and it leads to exhaustion and wasted time.
I think in general I’m going to be more open minded with my kids than my dad. I just don’t think he considered the possibility of having a gay son. It hasn’t been the same since I came out and I really hope to make an environment where my kids can talk to me about anything.
My dad called me a “little sombitch” one time, and I was confused as to why he was insulting my mom.
‘You cannot this’
Heck, let me even try. Why discourage me even before I try?
punching me
My dad was and is great to me directly, but he is very passive / a people pleaser, and my mom is not so great. I wouldn’t say she is quite psychologically abusive to him but it gets close to the line from time to time. When I started dating I kept ending up in psychologically abusive relationships, to the point that I ended up talking with a psychologist about it when I was about 25. I had to unlearn a lot of bad patterns I had learned unconsciously from my parents’ example. So for me, I’ve learned it’s not enough to treat my children well, I also need to show them that I stand up for myself.
Never bully them, no corporal punishment, listen to them, believe in their feelings, make them feel loved not just tell them their loved, get involved in the things they like, apologize when you make mistakes because you definitely will as a parent, understand you brought these children into the world and as teenagers it’s their job to challenge you, finally be humble. I’m sure there’s so much more that I needed as a child, but I definitely provided this to my children
Nothing to be honest. My dad is a smooth simpleton. Talks a good game but he doesn’t back it up. I quiet him up with a wave. He knows I know his bullshit. You shit, or get off the pot.
One thing I’m driving into my daughter is that hard work and resilience is key. Good habits consistently practiced over the decades is key. And to choose your vices wisely.
I mean, she’s 4. But the above is something she’ll be hearing about a lot through the years 😄
Always talking down to me and positioning our relationship as some sort of competition.
As I got older, I always thought that I’d look back and appreciate the things he said to me when I was a kid. At age 40, I still don’t.
Now, I try and give him the benefit of the doubt – he wasn’t a bad dad, but him forcing his religion on me and uncomfortably violating my privacy on a regular basis is something that I will never do with my kids. Even in to my 20s I used to catch him snooping around my room.
He once randomly busted open my bedroom door to yell at me about literally nothing – he said he was tired of me thinking that “everything he said was a bad idea.” There was no altercation before this, no negative lead up, and to this day I still have no idea what I did. Weird instances like this of him having an outburst and taking his rage out on me became tiring.
And the thing was, I was a great kid! I did extremely well in school, never got in trouble with authority, didn’t drink or do drugs, worked a ton of hours to put myself through college, and continue to be quite successful.
Nowadays, he still acts like he knows everything and never fails to give me unsolicited advice. And it’s usually either incredibly obvious advice or just straight up bad advice – like lecturing me to buy the cheapest stuff I can or encouraging me to take lazy shortcuts. And that’s just not me – I like to do my research, buy the best products that will last, and do things the right way to the best of my ability.
But, he is who he is, and I do my best to not let it get to me. I still have what I consider a good relationship with him, even if he still talks down to me. He means well, but it feels like he was never able to acknowledge or respect my success.
My father is a self absorbed abuse survivor who did the best he could. He still thought fear was more useful to a parent than love. He practiced what could be called benign neglect. I got no help, support, etc. with school, finding jobs, getting into college, etc.
Mind you I was required to have a job from age 15 on, required to be on the honor roll at school, and required to go to college. Just don’t expect him to do anything for any of it.
So I did none of that. I learned how to support my kids while still letting them fight their own battles. We provide enough help that they can do things on their own and learn in the process.
“You’re not a man if you don’t go to war”.
Thanks dad, now I have a ptsd brain from war that I hide from my physician wife and my police coworkers.
I never heard “I love you” from my dad, ever.
One day when he was under ten, my middle kid asked me why I always said “I love you.” I told him that I will never know if my dad ever liked me, or loved me.
Since then, he and the other kids say it to me every day, at the end of every call, every time I leave the house, every time I come home. And of course I say it to them just as often. It’s practically the house motto.
💕
My Father was an Abusive controlling monster.
I never had kids because of the amount of anger/trauma I’ve been through. I would never put them through that.
“Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack “Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack “Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack “Stop crying” smack “stop crying” smack. Pro tip: smacking 4yo’s in the face does not make them stop crying
Left when I was 3 and I never saw him again
Mother’s quote, not father quote, “Life sucks, then you die. ” I will never say that to my children.
My dad always made jokes at our (his children’s) expense. Hey Judas, I got your new my little pony underwear like you asked! In front of people.
It didn’t scar me, but I always felt it was in such poor taste.
He also told blonde jokes (mybsosters were blonde) he told racist jokes (we are white) he constantly mentioned when women were fat.
I honestly still have a lot of work undoing the racist and sexist thoughts that pop up into my head. I can always hear him in my head saying “wow she’s fat!” In a derogatory way and I suppose in a way I’m glad that I will never ever say anything like that in front of my children.
Over criticism. Nothing is good enough, everything I do is wrong, I could have done more. I could tell him something and he will ignore it and someone else tells him the same thing and it’s the best idea ever and I have to hear how stupid I am for not knowing that. Constantly comparing to others, always expecting more and never being proud of what I’ve accomplished. Its useless to have a discussion about anything because it gets thrown in your face provided the anger doesn’t go through the roof in .01 seconds.
I’m gonna celebrate my kids accomplishment. If he messes up I’ll teach how to do better. Failure is ok. Try again. Spend actual time with them and take some interest or understanding the things they like to bond.
This
I will not scream at the top of my lungs in my childs face just because theyre asking me a legitimate question thats making me frustrated.
My dad was a great dad except he was a womanizing misogynist.
I will never repeat “Screw as many women as you can. They’re all the same. Fat ones, skinny ones, ugly ones, it doesn’t matter. They all have the same hole.” While he made a vagina hole by sticking the palms of his hands together. I knew as a 15 year old that shit was wrong.
It’s more about what I will say. I’ve already failed at not saying/doing a bunch of stuff my dad did. But I do say sorry, I make sure to tell my son that it was my fault that I lost my cool and yelled, not his, even if he was doing the wrong thing. I feel like I need to say sorry too much sometimes, and that makes me a bad father, but I knew my father was close to death when he apologized to my mother 3 times in 1 conversation. Talking to her later I said I didn’t think I’d heard him say the word sorry 3 times before in my whole life (he would never even talk about apologies in the abstract or even to do with other people, they were just avoided at all times). She replied that she couldn’t think of another time he had ever apologised to her in their marriage. He died within 24 hours.
This is easy, considering father left me when I was two.
He and my mom had split, and she was pregnant with her then boyfriend’s child.
According to my mom (no prize herself in the parenting department, but that’s another issue), he was there to see me and was hanging out with my aunt and uncle while my mom was cleaning.
My mom had made some comment about how it would be nice he helped, and that started an argument.
He left that day and never came back, and while we have spoken by phone a couple of times, I haven’t seen him since.
according to her, he said he hoped she and that baby would die.
People say hurtful things, so on it’s own, that’s whatever. He’s a dick and that’s a horrible thing to say, but shit happens.
Thing is, my mom gave birth to my baby sister in February, and my sister died of SIDS in June of that same year.
When I was 14 I learned that he married and had three other kids, which fucked me up. Later I learned he was an abusive psychopath to his new family and none of them want anything to do with him. Considering how much happened to me and my other siblings (I’m the oldest of 11) it’s a coin toss whether I wound up better off without him.
So, yeah, I never did any of things.
“I never picked you. I picked your mother.”
I’d never say that shit to my kids.
When I told my old man over dinner one night that I thought about being a newsreporter, he told me, in not so many words, that I had a face for radio. Maybe dont do that.
Not my dad, but my mom.
When I was a kid if I upset my mom she would yell at me that she didn’t ask to be born and then threaten to jump off of a bridge. It’s an Asian thing…
I won’t ever tell my son that Im too overwhelmed eith my own mental challenges and stress to be around him, nor will I chase him away for hours at a time or even a full day just to compose myself.
I’ll try not to die in front of them, but no promises.
More the opposite. No hugs, words of affirmation or letting us know he loved us. I mean, I think he does, but he just doesn’t know how to express it.
With my sons I’m happy to hug and encourage them. I want to be an open book.
Struggling to cut my meat during dinner, he told me if I keep « playing » that would be the last thing I’d have the opportunity to do. My fork felt on the floor after because I wasn’t able to cut my meat in my plate on my own; he broke my ribs to the point I wasn’t able to go to school for a little more than 2 weeks. I was 7
My father was pretty verbally/emotionally abusive. If I got a B on a test ever – “way to go idiot” or “good job dumb ass” or some variation of those. Even in achievement, top honors – big promotion – etc etc etc; I was stupid or dipshit and so on. While growing up this way has made me slow down and try and make choices after putting some real thought into them. By taking more time for decisions, it has allowed me to sort out the following things and don’t allow them to affect or persuade my decision:
By doing this, my days have become much more organized and logical, and I make less mistakes in life in general. But obviously for my children I’d like to just teach them efficient and organization while also boosting them up, not tearing them down.
He casually said gay people should be burned; I was 12 and realising that I was gay.
My father told me he’d be very unhappy and disappointed if I turned out to be gay. Also, he once beat me for eating too much of a cake (2-3 slices instead of 1).
Require them to go to a specific college.
Not scream at them or lose my temper over small meaningless things
lol.
If I post I will be banned.
One of my life goals is to be different from him.
Black nail polish: “Do you want people to think you’re gay?”
My hair is long and I don’t want a haircut: “You don’t want people thinking you’re a “f****t.”
Dating a bi girl: “Why do you like damaged people?”
As a 4.0 GPA high schooler taking college courses and APs wanting to stay out a bit later than my 10 PM curfew, “Are you on drugs?”
When I was 8 and put my hands on my hips winded from running, “That’s how girls stand, men put their hands on their knees if they’re tired. Don’t look like a girl.”
Also, all the religious trauma, and the refusal to discuss theology when I had serious theological questions. But his religion affirms that he is a good person who will go to a Heaven because he earned it, because… tithing and attendance/singing.
“Jesus said to sell all your belongings and give them to the poor, why do we have all this when you say there are starving children in Africa?”
Well – Jesus doesn’t want us to suffer…
No, He literally said we should suffer on Earth, because we’ll have our eternal reward in Heaven. Why do we have a house when others don’t? He said to invite strangers in, why do only only we live here?
Well he didn’t mean it quite literally..
Ultimately, his dad sucked more and we all can only try our best. There are worse dads out there and I’ll give him grace as he’s getting toward end of life.
Laugh at their hobbies, no matter how ‘childish’.
he’d always call me irresponsible for every small mistake
he always said i was good for nothing
he criticized every single thing i do (present tense)
he would always tell me i can’t do anything right
he beat me up more than once
he never apologized for his mistakes or for hurting me; he’d instead fixate on what i did wrong
he never participated in any of my interests + he called them dumb and useless
literally saw him throw away a gift i gave him
he went to a play i was in; not even a “congratulations,” he criticized everything
he
missedexplicitly said he was not interested in attending the premiere night of my college filmhe was late to my graduation… they said they made it in time, but now that i think of it, they never showed me pictures of me on stage from any of their phones…
.
I’ll end with college, but the list goes on and on and on…
My son loves me though. I’m very intentional with everything I say to and around him, and the same with everything I do to and around him. I want to make sure that he’ll grow up with happy childhood memories and that he’ll grow up to be a happy and kind person.
Comparing me to other people. It was worse when I was diagnosed with anxiety/depression disorder. I’d have a particularly bad few days and my dad would say stupid shit like “oh you’re having a rough time? Terry Fox ran across Canada with one leg but you can’t do (X)”. Or when he was yelling at me because I was having a depressive episode and I finally snapped and said “well what do you want me to do just fake being happy around you” and he told me to snap out of it and “wake up and smell the coffee”.
He would also call my teacher if I brought home a mark that was anything less than a 70 (50 was a passing grade). Even when I started high school and was struggling with the math the teacher said “Vulcan has a 68 in this class which is one of the highest. The average is about 60 which is common every year because the way math is taught in high school is different. Plus he tries his absolute best every day”. Didn’t matter to him that I was top of the class or that I was putting in extra time to get better.
I would never compare my child to anyone or talk down to them for doing their best.
Honestly – one of the reasons I won’t ever have kids of my own is because of how fucked up my parents are/were.
My father used to beat the living shit out of my mom and when he was done with her he’d come after me. And I’d always get up and take more so that he wouldn’t hurt my sister or younger brother.
By the time my mother finally got us all out of there she was so mentally damaged that she could barely function anymore she was just mentally broken. So I did the majority of cooking, cleaning, laundry, and child minding of my younger brother and sister. I’ve already raised two kids…don’t need to do it again.
But yeah – I would never hit a child. And certainly never say anything like “this hurts me more than it hurts you”. Ha! The fuck it does!
My wife and I have been trying for years and have all but totally given up… but if by some miracle I was to become a dad:
I would never ever make my kid feel like they owed me anything just for being their dad and providing for them. My dad always made me feel like I owed him for that, but not in the sense of “pay me back the money.” In the sense that because he raised me and provided for me, he felt he could control every aspect of my life as I grew older.
This ended in a literal fight, I think I was 20, where punches were thrown (I threw the first punch) and there was pushing and shoving.
But that started my dad and I’s healing our relationship, and today in my 40s I can honestly say he’s one of my best friends, we talk a couple of times a week at least and get along fine now.
Never smile unless you have good reason to, it makes you look simple. 😐
“The thing about racism is, it is what it is.”
Not the sort of lesson I want to teach my kids.
You’re nothing but a disappointment to this family
Step-father, never met my real father.