I (38f) started the year aiming to get out and meet more people and actually go on dates, and after a love-bombing second date experience during which I watched someone obliterate my boundaries for what I wanted from the date (I endured unwanted physical touch and innuendos, fishing for compliments, him excessively making fun of me and dismissing my feelings when I lost my credit card…some of it was on the 15 minute walk back to my car, where I couldn’t get away from him) I realized I still struggle majorly with boundaries, because I didn’t see it coming. When I pushed back against the behavior, it went unnoticed and I felt like I was being uptight. I even felt guilty cutting it off, but later I felt angry I hadn’t sooner.
My only long term relationship was very emotionally abusive. I am in therapy. I am also most likely demisexual and I just can’t move quickly in relationships.
I always feel overwhelmed from the very beginning of dating so I already have to go past my comfort zone no matter what, which can make it difficult to know when other boundaries are being crossed. Do I need to be clearer in my profile? I’m honestly not sure I can go back on the apps.
How do you know when to cut it off, like before it’s too late and you have a nasty memory you have to live with now that you’re frustrated about? I’m so tired of men not caring whether there is actual chemistry nor reading their date’s body language…
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I don’t have anything helpful to add but…
> Do I need to be clearer in my profile?
I doubt that would help. The type of people you’re describing won’t care what a profile says, if they read it at all.
> When I pushed back against the behavior, it went unnoticed and I felt like I was being uptight. I even felt guilty cutting it off, but later I felt angry I hadn’t sooner.
Honestly? Take the bad dates as a way to learn to enforce boundaries.
A boundary isn’t something you say, it’s something you do when it’s broken. In case of the pushy guy, you need to stand up and leave. You need to forbid him to follow you to the car (if you are in public and can safely do so) and make a scene if need be.
Basic therapy says “you need to understand and communicate your boundaries”. That’s a nice exercise but it’s not a boundary: boundary is what you do. You can communicate and give people a warning, but that’s not the boundary.
> I already have to go past my comfort zone no matter what,
Maybe your comfort zone is tiny AF because you can’t negotiate what you want and handle boundaries in the larger zone? Once you trust yourself, it will be easier to be more open.