My husband (29M) and I (27F) got married almost a year ago. Everyone enjoyed the wedding except for me.
I was so nervous before the ceremony that I hyperventilated twice before walking down the aisle. I looked mortified all the way through the ceremony and messed up my vows.
The ceremony took longer than planned, because the priest kept talking about his own life instead of what we agreed upon. That shortened the time we had for our photoshoot. During the photoshoot I felt very uncomfortable as I am a very insecure person.
When we arrived at the reception we barely had time for family pictures as the chef rushed us inside to sit down and start dinner (otherwise he wouldn’t cook anymore – guess he had a bedtime curfew). I didn’t even get the chance to take a photo with my grandparents who practically raised me.
I was really looking forward to dance after dinner. I stood on the dance floor for about 5 minutes that entire evening/night. Why? People kept taking my husband and I aside to drunkenly say the same things over and over. They separated my husband and I throughout the entire evening. My main activity – aside from having to hear the same drunken bullshit a hundred times? Trying to find my husband as he was also taken away from the celebrations and his new wife by drunk family members. This was also very clearly shown in the wedding pictures we received after the wedding.
What also made me scared to go back on the dance floor was my father. My father and I don’t have the best relationship to say the least. When he drunkenly kept telling me that he would’ve married me if he were 20 younger and then continued to sexually eyeing me up and down the entire time (mostly during my 5 minutes on the dance floor) I felt sick to my stomach and didn’t dare to approach the dance floor or him again.
When everyone had left I felt so heartbroken. My wedding was over and I hadn’t been able to actually be mentally present and enjoy it.
I’ve cried about this a lot since you only get married once (hopefully). It should be one of the most beautiful days in your life and I feel like it was taken from me.
I hoped the honeymoon would make it better, but that was a disaster as well.
I also absolutely hated all our wedding photos. I look horrible in all of them. I haven’t shown them to anyone up to this day.
It’s been almost a year and I still cry about it a lot. A lot of my friends will be getting engaged soon and I just start to cry when they talk about their wedding because mine was a complete shit show. I really just wish I could go back in time and redo it all knowing what I know now, but unfortunately that’s not possible.
My husband and mother tell me to “just move on and get over myself” but – as much as I want to – I can’t.
My question now is: is there anything I can do about my wedding depression?
Comments
Here’s some advice… go renew your vows in a place of your choosing with your closest circle. Make it a vacation. Make it memorable.
I’m really very sorry that your wedding didn’t turn out the way you had hoped. And to say your father‘s actions were disturbing would be seriously understating that.
All that being said, you gotta get past this. And if you can’t, you need to go get help. Yes it’s a big day but it’s one day in your life. What matters is that you’ve had a whole year of marriage to your husband and I’m assuming a happy year? I mean, people get so focused on that actual day that I think they forget the whole point of it which is you joined yourself to someone you presumably love? Don’t get me wrong, we all want it to turn out wonderful, sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.
But you sitting here a year later saying you’re depressed, and obsessing over it is really unhealthy. And really unfair to your partner because it seems like you’re so focused on what went wrong at the wedding that you’re forgetting the whole point of the wedding.
You don’t say why the honeymoon was a disaster, but presumably that was for reasons that aren’t relevant to this conversation .
Go seek out a therapist and try and work through this for your sake, and for your partner sake, because while it’s normal to have regrets obsessing over it this much isn’t healthy for anyone.
You gotta let it go man. Your wedding was a fiasco, so what? It doesn’t matter. Are you happy with your husband? Do you like the life you are living now, regardless? Then what difference does it make? I would suggest talking to a counselor or therapist or some other kind of mental health professional. Sounds like you have general anxiety or something going on and are just focusing it on your wedding.
Girl you need a therapist. Looking back on something that is quite literally a single day in your life instead of focusing on the marriage and moving forward is tres unhealthy. It’s an obsession at this stage. Find a professional to talk it through and Let. It. Go.
Yesterdays history, tomorrows a mystery. Don’t dwell too much on the past because you may be missing out on quality moments right now. Accept it for what it was and how it played out. Nothing will ever feel perfect. The most important thing for you was accomplished, marrying your soulmate.
Gross
That was really gross. That turned my stomach.
It sounds like just about everyone had a hand in ruining your very special day that you paid so much for. And then to top it all off your mother gaslit you and told you to stop complaining.
I think that you and your husband should plan a special trip together where maybe it’s just you and him and you can do the things that you want to do without these people who ruin everything. I think if anything we have discovered this formula: wherever your mother and father are involved, things get awful. So that means that no matter what, if your father and mother are not there, everything will be worlds better. So this means there is no way to mess up your vacation together!!!! Nothing could possibly be as bad as that day.
You know what else this means? Now that the absolute worst has happened? There is nothing worse that can happen. What happened was the worst thing that could possibly happen. And it has already happened. That means that nothing worse can happen. That means that you have nothing to be afraid of. Now you do not have to be anxious anymore. 😀
I know that you have had enough of people talking about themselves but if I could just share a really short story – years ago I knew this would be my life and I did not want to spend the money on a miserable experience because I knew this would be how it went. So I didn’t spend the money and me and my spouse went someplace else by ourselves and had a wonderful time without those people. That is what I recommend for you. I think that you will have a wonderful time and that you will have lots of great pictures.
And if I could make one more suggestion, I have no idea what is happening here or how things came to this place but if you need some therapy? Go ahead and take that therapy. It will help you.
Your wedding was a single day. The rest of your marriage is the rest of your life. You’ll be faced with so many challenges in the future, that it’ll make a bad wedding look like a piece of wedding cake. I wish you well.
My wife and I resolved to do vow renewals every 5-10 years for exactly this reason.
It removed a lot of the stress from the day because we know we’ll get a do-over.
For godsakes take a yoga class, relax and learn to roll with the punches. Just reading your post gave me anxiety
I say this with kindness, please get some medical help. If you are feeling so down, perhaps there’s more at play here… even if it’s just to build a safety boundary between you and your father. Good luck.
Definitely do a small vow renewal. Maybe even just the two of you and a photographer would feel really good? You get to decide how you want it. Wear your dress again or get something new. Plan other vacations to make special memories.
If you haven’t yet, the people from your life who made this such a traumatic day for you, especially your dad. He’s an absolute creep. Continuing to interact with them will keep this wound from healing. You deserve to feel peace with the past, more in control of your life and to make new memories.
You can search on Psychology Today site for a therapist and it makes it easy to reach out. I’ve also found online platforms like Better Help or Octave to work will finding therapists who meet with you virtually.
Time to stop ruminating about the wedding day and move forward with an amazing. IMO you can’t see all the amazing things ahead of you if you keep looking back. If you can’t put this to bed, please get help.
Thank you for your answer! I appreciate it a lot!
I will take your advice to heart! Thanks a lot!
Your anxiety and insecurities got in your way here. You said you were never present. If you had been present you wouldn’t have let it just happen to you. You would have participated and you wouldn’t have allowed events to get away from you. You didn’t have to let your husband go off without you. You needed the confidence to steer events instead of letting them run over you. And now you’re doing the same thing. Are you going to ruin your relationship by spending the whole time wishing for a do over?
If you do not get your anxiety and insecurities tended to you will never be in the present and get to the end of your life never having lived. So your wedding was a disaster. Many people get married again . You could do it. But it would still be a disaster unless you determine that you are going to live your life not just let things happen to you.
You may need medication at least to get you on the right track so you can make these realizations. You definitely need to speak to someone about these issues. Get an evaluation so you can straighten out your life.